what age for dad sleeping in bed with daughter

[rainbowprincesschapell]

i am a single parent to a 5 year old -the dad was removed from the home at birth but she's always had contact. she sleeps two nights a month at his house . her and i bed share and with the warmer weather she wears a nightdress so she gets fresh air to her bits 😬
she has told me that this happens at her dads too and she bed shares with him and when i say they're here private parts she said he dad said well mum didn't send any bottoms! i don't know what to think at all. i think at 5 years old he shouldn't be sleeping next to her bare private parts and i bring too protective? i can't broach the subject at all as he's reactive

It sounds like the issue is that your daughter expressed to him that she didn't want to do this and he didn't respect that and gaslit her?

Why would you feel uncomfortable? He’s your son

@rainbowprincesschapell I haven’t seen /read your other threads - but sorry to hear of the violent attack on you

i get he’s her dad but I wouldn’t like her to have contact with the dad alone and without anyone else present and surprised you agreed to it

if you aren’t worried about abuse , then what is the difference from her sleeping with him like that and him ? Both are parents

2 nights a month , surely you can send her with a bag with pjs knickers clothes etc

age is a hard thing. Schools can query opposite sex parent in same bed -

maybe it’s time to try and get dd to sleep in her own bed

Why the rude comments, and your response to the op was very unsympathetic and quite rude to her in my opinion, she is a victim of domestic violence came here with genuine concerns and you were quite dismissive of those concerns. With some of your comments I can see why us men get bad press on mumsnet

The thing with Mumsnet forums is you get posters who only skim through the original post, people who don’t read the updates, and people (dads!) who feel very defensive and start accusing you in return and starting bunfights with other posters instead of backing off/ apologising…
You’ve got to be able to filter out the helpful from the irrelevant on here and not take it personally.
There was some good advice and good charities named for more help - I hope that’s what you focus on.

Im so sorry you’ve been through all this and that your dc has to spend time with a man who is capable of such nastiness.

Its difficult, because tbh if he was so violent with you I wouldnt like him near her at all.

But generally, I think in terms of boundaries if its OK for DC to cosleep with one parent, it should be OK for them to cosleep with the other

If shes bottomless in your bed, she will think its ok to be in his. And 5 is little, I assume he baths her so he will have seen her bits anyway. And if the issue is you feel he could be a danger to her you need to contact the police and/or SS.

Things id consider to help me reflect on if I had something to worry about:

why does she cosleep with him - does she have her own bed? or room there?

How do you know shes bottomless in his bed too - did she tell you? Did she say something concerning?

Has she said anything? Or started having accidents? Behaving in a concerning way?

And if i wanted to reinforce boundaries id treat her in my home the way I expected XP to I.e. if cosleeping is a concern at her age I would get her a bed at my home too.

If theres no real concern I dont think 5 is too old for sleeping with a parent of either sex

Shouldn’t she be sleeping on her own at your house too so she thinks it’s normal? She won’t think it isn’t normal to sleep in her dad’s bed if she does that at yours.

Actually as a foster carer we’re taught that children should be taught correct anatomical names so there can be NO confusion if something is divulged

I know it’s shit what happened but abusing wife/partner is a bit different from sexually abusing your child

Misogyny dripping from every word.

Because you are writing here asking advice! If you don't feel particularly happy about the nightie situation- send her with some pyjamas. It's not a competition, it's teaching your daughter about boundaries as well.

Is it that she doesn't have her own bed at your/his house? I would tackle all problems at one. If possible she should start to sleep in her own bed at your and her dad's. Ditch the nighties for pjs. Do you talk to him (if I was you I absolutely wouldn't want to, he sounds like a really nasty piece of work), if you do, tell him that now she's five she has to sleep in her own bed, it's part of growing up.

I really wish they'd stop with that explanation.

It's really really well documented that children who know and use anatomically correct language are statistically significantly less likely to be abused in the first place.

Yes,.it helps discovery and prosecution, but first and foremost, it prevents the abuse in the first place.

Oh no...beating a child's mother and putting her into hospital very much impacts the child

There’s no way in hell I’d let this man have any contact with my child. I wouldn’t have even put his name on her birth certificate. Absolute scum of the earth, he doesn’t deserve a relationship with his daughter.

Our justice system doesn't work this way. Some PP on here have even suggested the violence is nothing to do with the child.
As OP has said she doesn't have the power

T.W. If you followed any of the decisions of family court you know rapists are permitted to see the off spring of their violence, in my life a friend drugged and raped by her husband (convicted) had a paternal contact arrangement

You really need to up your current awareness

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cz91ng13gqko

New law not yet in place

Excuse me? The 5 year-old sleeps with the mother? Is that considered normal by the rest of the forum? That would be my first question, even before the father issue.

I’m aware it happens. I just wouldn’t facilitate it. I’d do everything in my power to stop the contact.

Completely normal for parents to co sleep or sleep in the same room with their young children.

Until the age of 5? For how long? 8? 12? 17? 24?

Okay, that's a cultural difference I wasn't aware of.

If you did everything in your power to stop contact, you’d risk being accused of parental alienation.!

The airing nonsense is a myth. Make sure she wears underwear and pyjamas so she's securely covered and not basically flashing her private area.

the kid wears no pyjama bottoms, not the dad? Im assuming you read it back to front and thought the dad was naked from the waist down? or are you saying you would really not be able to have your 4.5 year old be naked next to you in bed? (not you naked, them)

"Nothing to do with his relationship to his child?"

I think you should reread @rainbowprincesschapell's posts. She said "he was removed as he beat me during pregnancy and put me in hospital the day she was born"

If that shouldn't affect his relationship with his child, then how bad would it have to be to do so?

Honestly SMH.

he was removed as he beat me during pregnancy and put me in hospital the day she was born.

Went through that.

He's long gone thank fuck.

Please leave him. Your future self will thank you. Your daughter too in her future.