what age for dad sleeping in bed with daughter

[rainbowprincesschapell]

i am a single parent to a 5 year old -the dad was removed from the home at birth but she's always had contact. she sleeps two nights a month at his house . her and i bed share and with the warmer weather she wears a nightdress so she gets fresh air to her bits 😬
she has told me that this happens at her dads too and she bed shares with him and when i say they're here private parts she said he dad said well mum didn't send any bottoms! i don't know what to think at all. i think at 5 years old he shouldn't be sleeping next to her bare private parts and i bring too protective? i can't broach the subject at all as he's reactive

Well my 12 year old still bunks in with her dad if i'm away, but he lives with us and wasn't removed from the house when she was a baby.

Why was he removed from your home when your daughter was born. That’s a very key piece of information.

Is there a bed available for her at his? Can you go to sleep without skeeping with an adult?

pyjamas !

If you want her to wear pyjamas as his house, send pyjamas!

He's doing what he should do which is following your lead, bed sharing and dressing her in what you send.

I'd share a bed with my dad and I'm 40 , I don't want this to sound scaremongering just factual, she's at his house alone, if he was going to abuse her he doesn't need to wait until she's in her night dress in his bed, so you either trust that he wouldn't do that or you don't and if you don't she shouldn't be there at all, a pair of pyjamas shorts wouldn't make any difference

What’s the background? Why was he removed?

My husband occasionally shares a bed with my daughter (his daughter too)although always in pjs. She’s 8 and fairly young for her age. For the first time this weekend I thought maybe she’s getting too old for this.
I was away for the night so my husband had the 2 kids in our bed watching a movie so it’s a lovely thing but I’m hoping she’ll naturally want a bit more privacy and space soon.

in your case I would probably encourage pyjamas but really 5 is still young.

Did you send bottoms?

At face value, there's nothing wrong with a dad cosleeping with his 5 year old daughter, or even the nudity, but you obviously have suspicions that something is off.

She’s only little so it sounds ok unless there was a concerning reason he was removed. I’d encourage pjs though.

i don't think he is going to abuse her. i am more thinking about teaching her boundaries etc.

he was removed as he beat me during pregnancy and put me in hospital the day she was born. which is why i have confusion over boundaries and which is why i am asking!

Send here with bottoms and please teach her the correct words. Not “her bits” fml

Same age as she sleeps with mum….

what’s the difference? Absolutely sod all.

why should i send things to him 😞he is her dad he should have clothes for her !

Send her with underwear and bottoms then? You don’t needs to air her bits

What do you expect him to do if you have got her used to bed sharing and send her with a nightdress (although he should obviously be providing clothes at his, but if you are sending stuff you presumably know he doesn't)? She's not just going to be happy to sleep alone when she's used to bunking in with mummy is she?

This is not only not inappropriate, but it's a situation entirely of your own making.

Then don't send a nightdress and ask him to buy pyjamas!

Shorts and t shire pjs.

why was he removed? Why does he have to bedshare?

I have a 4.5 year old DS and I would feel extremely uncomfortable sleeping next to him wearing no pyjama bottoms. You need to lead this and stop the half naked sleeping arrangements at yours too. Buy her actual pyjamas and look at encouraging her to sleep independently.

If it’s okay for you to do it with her then I don’t know why it’s not okay for him to do it with her- if your argument is about boundaries and her private parts.

Well I take your point but she's only there for 2 nights a month so I think it might be normal for her to take her overnight bag, rather than keep stuff there. Plus it allows you to be in charge of what she's wearing.

So you want him to basically have a wardrobe of clothes for her at his house even though she’s only there two nights a week?
I think if you want her not to bunk in with him then you need to stop doing so as well or you are giving her v confusing messages. Personally I think co sleeping is fine if it suits both parent and child until about age 5/6 and from then on I think own beds is best.
Yabu.

There was very extreme DV and that's why the man was removed at the time of the child's birth (OP has posted before).

@rainbowprincesschapell I agree that your ex should provide pyjamas, but for your own peace of mind, I think you should send some with your little girl.

Please, it's also important to stop referring to her "bits".
Children need to know the right anatomical words for their genitalia.
It keeps them safer because they can much more easily describe exactly what's happened, if there has been sexual abuse.

thank you everyone x