what age for dad sleeping in bed with daughter

[rainbowprincesschapell]

i am a single parent to a 5 year old -the dad was removed from the home at birth but she's always had contact. she sleeps two nights a month at his house . her and i bed share and with the warmer weather she wears a nightdress so she gets fresh air to her bits 😬
she has told me that this happens at her dads too and she bed shares with him and when i say they're here private parts she said he dad said well mum didn't send any bottoms! i don't know what to think at all. i think at 5 years old he shouldn't be sleeping next to her bare private parts and i bring too protective? i can't broach the subject at all as he's reactive

7 year old Dd still bed shares with us, why not just put her in pjs with no knickers? That’s what I grew up wearing and still do now, you can still air your bits with pjs on. Mine has never worn a nightie, there’s lots of lovely pjs-long for winter or shorts for summer.

she Has left him

hence why dd stays at his a couple of nights a month

Given forum activity over recent times, I would counsel against sharing details of children sharing beds/what they wear/mentioning body parts in that context etc.

Just a thought.

OP I am so sorry. He beat you when pregnant, he should not have unsupervised access to a child.

The issue of pajamas and sleeping etc aside, this man sounds unsafe to be around.

The contact is court-ordered.

Oh I am so sorry, that is unfathomable to me. But apologies OP if I missed that.

Can you start her sleeping in her own bed and with pj's at home.

Then tell her dad to buy a small put up bed as she needs to sleep independently now.
If he wont buy it say you will go half with him or buy it if you can afford it.
You can get some cheaper ones seeing as she is still small.

Because you’re the one that started this thread, and you’re the one who’s concerned!

It's not uncommon for parents to continue to co-sleep at 5 or 6 and beyond. That REALLY wasn't the point, anyway. Why deflect and try to twist things to make them sound like @rainbowprincesschapell is behaving in an abnormal way? You don't have to approve, but stop throwing the OP under the bus.

Are you really MsAmerica ? Because your comment is very unhelpful and sounds a bit misogynistic.

Do you want her to have her bare bottom covered or do you not?

If the answer is yes, then send her with pajamas ffs.

Also, she will learn boundaries and develop the expectationnof night time privacy if she has her own bed at your place.

She should not be sleeping in the same bed with either of you at five.

Agree.

I feel I've entered a parallel universe.

It is absolutely not the norm in western society for children to share a bed with parents. This includes the UK.

You need to read a post twice before you quote it. @rainbowprincesschapell was absolutely NOT saying the father would or wouldn't abuse the child.

What she said was "there isn't even a tiny corner in my brain that could comprehend abusing my daughter" meaning she herself could never do so. And why she was justly angry at the insinuation.

Why have you been stirring so much on this thread? Her concern was not about all men (including you) but was about one specific abusive ex.

Stop Projecting.

Not at all misogynistic. I would have said the same about a father.

Clearly, there's a cultural difference I wasn't aware of.

Whew, thanks.

In the U.S., the mother would have been steered toward a therapist or government Child Protection Services.

Hmm....I'm not sure you need to use the exact anatomical words for their "bits". We used a word when my girls were growing up (not bits) but it was clearly understood what was meant by it. I personally think it's clinical to call it a vagina, plus vagina refers to the hole itself (which - at 5 - you usually don't even know you possess)....and the rest is the vulva. ... neither of which I liked.

This! Paedophiles aren’t fussy about whether a child is naked and available!

If he is abusive then you shouldn’t be sending her at all. Also send her with pyjamas if it freaks you out.

Could you link to this please.

As a child abuse investigator (and in agreement with the other child protection officer on this thread) it is not my experience that children need to know anatomically correct terms to make or explain a disclosure and it wouldn’t hinder a prosecution. Specialist officers, practitioners and intermediaries using props (eg dolls) can establish what the child is talking about ( and if a 5 year old used the word vulva, that would be fine but their understanding of that would likely be confirmed anyway).

Absolutely not a clue how a child would be less likely to be abused by knowing the word vulva over privates but it would be interesting reading.

We posted at the same time. Your post appeared as i posted mine.

Maybe you should RTFT before posting on what are obviously sensitive threads.

10-20% in UK are still regularly bed sharing aged 5. And approx 6-13% in US, where it is likely unreported because of the heavy interference of the state. Sure, its a minority but it is absolutely within the realms of normality for children to bed share with a parent.

Sharing this, because so many on this thread are being so awful to a mother who is clearly struggling because they want to make themselves feel superior. This is Parenting, not AIBU.

Thank you, and actually, the numbers are even higher in the US. "Prevalence: Despite guidelines, roughly half of U.S. parents say they sometimes, often, or always co-sleep with a child under 18, and 26% always bed-share with infants 1, 2]."

Although it's more accepted in Black or Hispanic families, almost a quarter of White families co-sleep at some point. I know several families who co-slept past age 2, with one continuing past age 6 before slowly stopping. It's not something I would have done when my dc were small; my anxiety and OCD have me catastrophizing the idea even now, but this trend is increasingly common for today's parents.

well i was going to ask for the thread to be removed as it has gone a bit 🥵in places but i do want to clear up that my daughter has a lovely bedroom and goes to bed but chooses to get in bed with me. One day she won't.

i completely agree now on reflection that she should be covered up at both houses. And the thread has actually helped me see this.

Regarding the naming of the anatomy. i would never say 'make sure you've wiped your anus properly' i would say Bum. it's not an issue for me.

If a Mother is reaching out for advice on a sensitive issue I would expect a different reaction. People usually have instincts and it's sad some of the comments but i guess that doesn't reflect on me i was just airing something that was stressing me out.

I apologize. I quoted some statistics in a post just now, which show how common this practice is in the US among all cultures. It's not a red flag for CPS or Social Services either.

@rainbowprincesschapell if you don't have any concerns about his behaviour towards her (which it sounds like you don't), I would say let her carry on.

Where I live now it's pretty normal for kids to be completely naked at night, and for sleeping situations to be a lot more communal. It's not something people would raise an eye at particularly. But I am from the UK so I get what you mean, but it's only a problem because we make it one.

Definitely have lots of ongoing, natural conversations around body autonomy though. The more it's second nature the safer out kids will be. But making it weird between her and her dad when there's no reason to be I think is not the way to go.

Also, you are right, some of the comments on here are just odious. I don't think it's a true reflection of the real world, but anonymous forums bring out the worst in people, and they love a pile on