what age for dad sleeping in bed with daughter

[rainbowprincesschapell]

i am a single parent to a 5 year old -the dad was removed from the home at birth but she's always had contact. she sleeps two nights a month at his house . her and i bed share and with the warmer weather she wears a nightdress so she gets fresh air to her bits 😬
she has told me that this happens at her dads too and she bed shares with him and when i say they're here private parts she said he dad said well mum didn't send any bottoms! i don't know what to think at all. i think at 5 years old he shouldn't be sleeping next to her bare private parts and i bring too protective? i can't broach the subject at all as he's reactive

Co sleeping at that age is fine, my 5 year old sometimes comes in to bed with DH and I. I wouldn’t have anyone look after my DC alone though who was removed from the home for beating up and putting someone in hospital, even if it is her dad. Too big a risk.

i used the word bits ...i do use the words 'private parts'
i think the issue for me is the lack of control on my part as i know what he did to me. thank you everyone i will leave the thread.

like you would have a choice. people can be very naive.

Just teach her to say vulva ffs

You need to use words like vulva and vagina.

for what its worth i did send pyjamas i have a huge bag of everything for her which is ridiculous but yes she sleeps in her nightdress. i just hate the thought of him cuddled up to her like that. but hey im wrong and crazy ... thank you for the perspective x

and heaven forbid an abused single parent bed shares.

There’s nothing wrong with bed sharing, but what she’s used to at home she’ll want to do at her dads too as it’s all she knows.

Your ex sounds absolutely terrifying and I am so sorry. I can see how that must make you feel really destabilised.

I do think, though, it's a hugely mixed message to send her, to say that with you she needs fresh air to her bits (which makes no sense, frankly - either she's too hot and she needs a lighter cover/to sleep naked, or she's fine and she can wear knickers or whatever), but with him she needs to be 'covered'. It sends a rather creepy message that her dad has some kind of different attitude towards her genitals than her mother does.

If it were me I'd encourage her to wear knickers in both houses. But I wouldn't keep implying it's normal for her dad to require her to be more 'covered up' than her mother. That's starting a chain of thought that's not healthy.

I wouldn’t like it but you have set the tone with it as that’s what you do.

And yes, none of this ‘bits’ or ‘private’s’ nonsense. Vulva and vagina is a good start.

it is better to get fresh air to the vulva but this might be something you don’t worry about that much. Bigger fish to fry and all that.

you can teach your children correct words for anatomy but equally use colloquial terms in a family environment. that's normal.

that's really unfair given that he was removed from the home by police and social services.

Statistically, no she wouldn't be equally likely to abuse...

Especially, since the dad is already a domestic abuser.

If you’re concerned enough that you don’t want her in a nightdress then she shouldn’t be going at all. Wearing pyjamas is neither here nor there.

It’s not unfair. That had nothing to do with his relationship with his child

I think for both houses start to wear a loos pj short. If she has her own bed at both and you want her to learn to sleep alone, you can start teaching that at her house and talking to her about how she’s getting bigger and soon she’ll be so excited to sleep on her own.

Your ex shouldn’t have custody but unfortunately that’s the way courts go.

My 13 yr old DD will sometimes climb in my bed or my DH’s bed (we have separate rooms).

I don’t see anything wrong with it in general but your ex sounds awful

Statistics are correct.

we are not talking about that. We are talking about a dad who only sees his kid 2 nights a month. No questions that he could abuse his child.

I know it’s shit what happened but abusing wife/partner is a bit different from sexually abusing your child

OP I hope you’re ok. It’s ok to ask these questions. Just be aware that even the issue of knickers with pajamas is divisive on here. I also use pet names for genitals in the family and I’m a trained Child protection officer. It’s ok. It’s such a tedious thing to pull somebody up on. Is there someone that can mediate with ex and find out what the long term sleeping arrangements are going to be?

"I know it's shit what happened" God, what a way to describe a man beating his pregnant partner to the point of hospitalisation.

Personally, I don't think a man like that should have unsupervised access to his child.

Would you ask the same question to the mum regarding sleeping arrangements? Why just ask the dad?

I’d stop the nonsense on sleeping exposed both at yours and at his. Buy pajamas shorts to go under the nighties. Do you have a spare room for her? I think she is getting to the age that it might be more appropriate for her to sleep in her own room at both houses.

I think you need to separate your relationship with him and her relationship with him. I know it's really hard. He was a danger to you and to her when you were pregnant. Is he a danger to her now? Do you have a court order for contact? Do you think he's a genuine safeguarding risk to her now?

I think at 5 cosleeping with a parent is pretty normal. I think you need to instill the same boundaries in both houses. Really what is and isn't acceptable starts with you. Kids find it hard to understand that there are different rules for different people so I'd make blanket rules for everyone.