I misread the situation between my son and my boyfriend's daughter

[SpunkyMentor]

I have a 16-year-old daughter, a 13-year-old son and an 8-year old daughter. My boyfriend has a 12 year-old daughter. More often my boyfriend and his daughter would come to my house for the times for everyone to hang out. My boyfriend's daughter spends the most time with my 8-year-old daughter. My son and my boyfriend's daughter don't really talk to each other, and they talk less when the other is around. They also tend to avoid being in the same room if they can. At times, I've seen my boyfriend's daughter literally run away from my son.

My son spends a lot of time in his room, either on using his tv, video games, laptop, phone, or weights. Sometimes he wears earphones. My 16-year-old daughter told me about something I didn't know. My 16-year-old daughter said that my boyfriend's daughter would sneak into my son's room. That BF's daughter will throw something at him and run away. If my son is wearing earphones, she might try to walk up to him, poke him on the shoulder then run away.

I asked my son about it and he confirmed it's true. I asked if it's part of a game and he said no. He said she's really weird. I asked him if she's bulling him. I told him boys can be bullied by girls. He said "yeah kinda." I told him I love him and that everything will be okay.

I talked to my boyfriend. To use a less harsh word that bullying, I said bothering. I asked my boyfriend to make his daughter stop bothering my son. And he said he will.

2 weeks later, things seemed better as my boyfriend's daughter has been spending even more time with my 8-year-old daughter. My son asked what's wrong with my boyfriend's daughter. I asked what does he mean. He said she's not acting like herself. I asked if she's still bullying him. He asked what do I mean. I said I told her father to make her stop bullying you.

He looked really upset. He asked why did I make her dad stop her and that things were perfect the way they were. I reminded him that he said she was bulling him. I asked if he's scared of her, he said no. I asked if she said something to him. He said no and that's the problem.

I asked if she's hurting him in anyway and he said no. He told me to stop asking questions as if she's a bad kid. I asked if he and her were friends. He said it's complicated. I said that maybe she can go back to doing whatever she was doing before. My son told me I don't get it and then he told me to stop meddling. He told me I ruined everything.

Obviously, I'm really confused.

You don’t have to break up.

I mean this kindly OP but I would suggest therapy or counselling. I don't know what happened in your previous relationships but you have tried to design a happy family situation, by finding a man with children and forcing everyone to be together in an unnatural way, because that's what you want. You wanted a big family and you have manufactured one. Your children have to spend a lot of time with your boyfriend because that's what you want. The 12 year old comes over and has to spend a lot of time with your 6 year old - I doubt if she actually wants to, what 12 year old would. What about what your children want or need? They definitely don't need to be playing happy families with strangers. And then when teenagers have a crush and this doesn't fall in with the fantasy life that you have created, you're ready to blow it all apart again. You are not acting in the best interests of your children in any of this.

What does your boyfriend think about it all

This maybe controversial. I had different goals. I wanted them to be like siblings. I wanted my boyfriend's daughter to be like my daughter and have my 3 kids be like his kids. Siblings don't have crushes on each other.

I don't know if anyone understand that. I can't even deal with the thought that I have to monitor them in case they hold hands.

This.

I haven't told him yet that my son has a crush on his daughter. He may feel even worse about it than I do.

This isnt realistic.

They are hormonal strangers in close proximity.
Its completely normal behaviour on their part hence why its common.

Your notion they will all love each other at by siblings in honestly a bit deluded. That is very very very unlikely. Most blessed families tolerate each other at best second seeing at therapist for outside perspective

Just make sure that they are never alone together. Put a lock on your DSs door so she cant keep bugging him. Thats all you can do really. Neither of these kids are doing anything wrong. Its natural to have crushes at that age

This is exactly what I thought!

My mum's husbands son used to try and grope me and come into the bathroom if I was bathing and all sorts. It's gross but pretty common. If she feels the same way (I didn't he was repulsive as was his dad) you might end up having an even bigger family on the way Nanna

I'm beyond sorry that happened to you.

Sadly you have really messed up here - this sounds like the 12y had a crush on 13yo and the behaviour was simply a pretty benign effort to get his attention.

That poor girl will now be terrified of trying to flirt/make her affection known in the future and your 13yo has been deprived of the opportunity to learn how to navigate the attention of girls with crushes (by whom he might actually have been quite flattered in equal parts to his irritation).

Jumping to calling her a bully was extreme.

This whole thread shows how naive I am.

I just feel so bad for my son. He was trying so hard to make sure I was happy.

OP, I am very, very sorry for whatever happened to you in the past for you to be so desperate to create a new family like this. You have 3 children - that’s already a big family, anyone else is just a bonus.

Children who meet as adolescents are never going to be like siblings - it’s just not possible. They might be friends or close friends or maybe some sort of cousins, but they won’t have grown up together and you can’t expect it to be like that. Putting two teenagers together for extended periods of time without supervision can lead to either bullying or crushes or something worst altogether.

That's so true.

But things has happened since then.

I would guess bf’s dd has a crush on your son.

Why/how is your son trying so hard to make sure you are happy? wtf? Is that his responsibility now?

But they haven’t grown up together and aren’t related. So attraction was always very possible.

My son and this girl can be "boyfriend and girlfriend" or whatever. That would be okay as long as me and the girl's das are not together.

I feel like I have been forcing a new bigger family. And I have selfish.

You may want to tell your son that he could end up a registered sex offender if he pursues this further. You need to be putting the fear of bijeezus into him. It could all get very messy.

What on earth has the boy done that makes him a sex offender?!?

This is so wildly unrealistic… most step siblings at best tolerate each other at worst detest each other. Your kids haven’t done anything wrong here, it’s not incest.

I think you may have misread something.

I was referring to him not wanting to tell me about his crush. He said he didn't want to ruin things between me and my boyfriend.

It's as he if knew how much this would creep me out.

My thoughts too, the girl is a very young child, safe sex 🫠 christ. If the 12 year old had sex it would be sexual abuse/rape, a child can't consent to sex, why would a parent be encouraging this 🙈 "hey kids fill your boots, just have safe sex". Unbelievable.