I misread the situation between my son and my boyfriend's daughter

[SpunkyMentor]

I have a 16-year-old daughter, a 13-year-old son and an 8-year old daughter. My boyfriend has a 12 year-old daughter. More often my boyfriend and his daughter would come to my house for the times for everyone to hang out. My boyfriend's daughter spends the most time with my 8-year-old daughter. My son and my boyfriend's daughter don't really talk to each other, and they talk less when the other is around. They also tend to avoid being in the same room if they can. At times, I've seen my boyfriend's daughter literally run away from my son.

My son spends a lot of time in his room, either on using his tv, video games, laptop, phone, or weights. Sometimes he wears earphones. My 16-year-old daughter told me about something I didn't know. My 16-year-old daughter said that my boyfriend's daughter would sneak into my son's room. That BF's daughter will throw something at him and run away. If my son is wearing earphones, she might try to walk up to him, poke him on the shoulder then run away.

I asked my son about it and he confirmed it's true. I asked if it's part of a game and he said no. He said she's really weird. I asked him if she's bulling him. I told him boys can be bullied by girls. He said "yeah kinda." I told him I love him and that everything will be okay.

I talked to my boyfriend. To use a less harsh word that bullying, I said bothering. I asked my boyfriend to make his daughter stop bothering my son. And he said he will.

2 weeks later, things seemed better as my boyfriend's daughter has been spending even more time with my 8-year-old daughter. My son asked what's wrong with my boyfriend's daughter. I asked what does he mean. He said she's not acting like herself. I asked if she's still bullying him. He asked what do I mean. I said I told her father to make her stop bullying you.

He looked really upset. He asked why did I make her dad stop her and that things were perfect the way they were. I reminded him that he said she was bulling him. I asked if he's scared of her, he said no. I asked if she said something to him. He said no and that's the problem.

I asked if she's hurting him in anyway and he said no. He told me to stop asking questions as if she's a bad kid. I asked if he and her were friends. He said it's complicated. I said that maybe she can go back to doing whatever she was doing before. My son told me I don't get it and then he told me to stop meddling. He told me I ruined everything.

Obviously, I'm really confused.

So your BF comes over with his DD and you and he hang out separate from the kids, your DD16 hangs out on her own, your DS13 hangs out on his own and your DD8 and his DD hang out together. And you don't really see a lot of how they all interact together?

Here's what stood out to me - You didn't know what was going on between your DS and BF's DD, and then when you found out you had a really brief conversation with your DS, got the wrong end of the stick and passed a message on to your BF who in turn passed it on to his DD. Now everyone's confused about what's going on. It's like a game of telephone.

Seems like you need to be spending more time together doing something as a whole group so that you all get to know each other better, or a lot less.

But she won't be 12 for long. And clearly has a crush on the boy, and having lots of unsupervised contact at home under the guise of a 'blended family' - but they aren't actually relations. Pretty sure schools teach about sex at this age as well.

Before all this drama, I noticed that my son and boyfriend's daughter don't talk much when the other is around.

When everyone is together, they don't say much.

Things make more sense now after my son admitted to having a crush. And today he told me some stuff she did that gives the impression that it's mutual, like she had left a box of Valentine's chocolate in his room on Valentine's day.

I do admit the kids need better supervision as too many things had happened without my knowledge.

I also now have to figure out the how to navigate this dynamic with this new information.

Teen (and preteen!) years are particularly tricky when blending families, I think, OP. Sounds like this has been a bit of a kick into action for you. Hope you find a good way through it.

It’s quite bloody clear this is what’s happening. And it’s normal for kids this age to have wee crushes

what’s not normal is to try and push two unrelated kids into being a family at that age

Thank you very much

I've seen two single parents marry each other when they have kids of a similar age all the time.

Basically this. Obvious before I'd even finished reading your post OP.

I basically got the confirmation from my son that he likes my boyfriend's daughter literally today.

I don't know why my mind get never considered that even I asked for advice online.

Not only is she my boyfriend's daughter, she doesn't seem like the type of girl my son would like. Even if she was just a classmate, I wouldn't thing he would like her. Not shading her, just basing that off my son's past history.

They're the right age for crushes.

How could you not imagine it? Don't you remember being that age? I do.

I know a couple who met when they were 13 and 14 when his dad and her mum started dating. The mum and dad got married (second marriage for both) when the “kids” were in late teens/early 20s. The couple also got married when they were mid-20s, having been together for 10 years. They are now late 30s and have three children together. The parents are still together too.

‘Past history’??? He’s 12 fgs

why is absolutely no one in this situation acting like a grown up?

Past history/having a type at twelve! That's insane. You say that and yet it's surprise to you that they might of liked each other. Not realising teasing is flirting!

I went to school with a girl who had her step brother's baby at fifteen.

All sounds very awkward to me.

The username plus the topic concerns me about this thread, lots of people get off on this kind of scenario to the extent there is legislation coming in to stop it's depiction on adult sites. Also why has the OP posted about this elsewhere and been told the danger thing then suddenly has the talk with her son, and then drip feeds the valentine's stuff. Add in the time it was posted and it just doesn't sit right. Reported

I just meant that he has had 4 previous crushes and all those 4 girls have a very similar personality that is very unlike my boyfriend's daughter. That's what I meant.

Bless them, it was pretty obvious it was a crush just by what you were describing OP.

However you were a bit dramatic about all of it, I’d maybe dial it down.

“I told him I love him and everything will be okay”
“I told him I love him and nothing will change that”

It’s two 12 year olds having a mild crush on each other, not the end of the world.

It’s screamingly obvious that they have a crush on each other and at their age it’s played out through horseplay.

what an over reaction! The only thing i would do is stop them from being in each others bedrooms alone.

It's a random username the site gave me the option to pick. I asked on another site because I wasn't sure if anyone would respond here. The time I posted is nighttime.

This whole topic started because I thought my son was being bullied and then he defended his bully.

I'm going to do what's in the best interest of my son. My boyfriend and I may have to break up. Honestly, it seems cruel to try to force my son and his daughter to ask like siblings.

I'm struggling to get my head around your approach, OP. I can't believe that you leapt to the conclusion that it was bullying without even considering other possibilities - it was blindingly obvious from your first post that they liked each other. As for finding it unlikely because of your son's "past history", he's 13... he doesn't have "a type".

You have handled this badly, but you can't change what has already happened. I don't think you have to break up with your boyfriend, but I do think you will need to stop playing happy families - just see him on your own without the kids.

Jesus, dramatic much? To break up because your kids have a crush on each other? Even if they ended up going out, they're not blood relatives, so who cares? I'd butt out and stop worrying and micromanaging.

Between this, and the “ bullying” you sound incredibly reactive.

They aren’t siblings. They can have crushes

You could have imagined it quite easily if you’d bothered to try instead of being fixated on your own relationship. It’s not that difficult to imagine that tweets who are forced to be around each other in their own homes might develop crushes on each other.

This is what I thought.

It will get weird if they start having sex or break up or gave kids..