I misread the situation between my son and my boyfriend's daughter

[SpunkyMentor]

I have a 16-year-old daughter, a 13-year-old son and an 8-year old daughter. My boyfriend has a 12 year-old daughter. More often my boyfriend and his daughter would come to my house for the times for everyone to hang out. My boyfriend's daughter spends the most time with my 8-year-old daughter. My son and my boyfriend's daughter don't really talk to each other, and they talk less when the other is around. They also tend to avoid being in the same room if they can. At times, I've seen my boyfriend's daughter literally run away from my son.

My son spends a lot of time in his room, either on using his tv, video games, laptop, phone, or weights. Sometimes he wears earphones. My 16-year-old daughter told me about something I didn't know. My 16-year-old daughter said that my boyfriend's daughter would sneak into my son's room. That BF's daughter will throw something at him and run away. If my son is wearing earphones, she might try to walk up to him, poke him on the shoulder then run away.

I asked my son about it and he confirmed it's true. I asked if it's part of a game and he said no. He said she's really weird. I asked him if she's bulling him. I told him boys can be bullied by girls. He said "yeah kinda." I told him I love him and that everything will be okay.

I talked to my boyfriend. To use a less harsh word that bullying, I said bothering. I asked my boyfriend to make his daughter stop bothering my son. And he said he will.

2 weeks later, things seemed better as my boyfriend's daughter has been spending even more time with my 8-year-old daughter. My son asked what's wrong with my boyfriend's daughter. I asked what does he mean. He said she's not acting like herself. I asked if she's still bullying him. He asked what do I mean. I said I told her father to make her stop bullying you.

He looked really upset. He asked why did I make her dad stop her and that things were perfect the way they were. I reminded him that he said she was bulling him. I asked if he's scared of her, he said no. I asked if she said something to him. He said no and that's the problem.

I asked if she's hurting him in anyway and he said no. He told me to stop asking questions as if she's a bad kid. I asked if he and her were friends. He said it's complicated. I said that maybe she can go back to doing whatever she was doing before. My son told me I don't get it and then he told me to stop meddling. He told me I ruined everything.

Obviously, I'm really confused.

op you sound dangerously naive. It just seems weird that you thought the girl running in and throwing something at your son was bullying. It was so obviously playful. I can't see why your mind went to bullying - it doesn't make sense at all. Did you not even think about what it would be like for your hormonal teenage son to have a girl the same age as him coming into the home so much. You seem very focused on the happy family you want without the ability to think about it from your kids' point of view or even to take into account what most teenagers are highly focused on, namely other teenagers of the sex they are attracted to. Then you panic and say you will end things. It really does sound like you would benefit from some counselling to help navigate this situation.

I think this was the fundamental error that you made. You wanted them to be like siblings, but the reality is, they are not siblings and no amount of playing happy families will ever make them so - they have been brought together as unrelated adolescents with raging hormones and they are now spending a lot of time together. It is hardly surprising that crushes may have developed.

The real question is, what are you going to do about it now?

In a nutshell 👌

I think this whole thing unintentionally exposes a big flaw my in dating preferences and my relationship with my boyfriend. My romantic interest in a man can be killed if I can't picture him as a father figure to my children.

Surely you should have asked if it bothered him and if he wanted you to act on the issue? Rather than jumping in feet first as you did.

12 and 13yos are not adults. They can be weird. Being weird and growing out of it is part of growing up.

It sounds like you could do with some counselling, OP. You clearly have some unresolved feelings about being a single parent and the perception that your children need a father figure, but those feelings are not a solid basis for a healthy relationship and you are not doing your kids any favours by thinking in this way.

If you are concerned about a lack of male role models, is there perhaps a male relative or family friend who could potentially play this role for you so that there isn't such a weight of expectation on any romantic relationships?

You need to chill out trying to force your bf/romantic interests to become a father figure for your kids !!!
They're tween/teenagers and presumably have a father already.
Your thinking and priorities need a total overhaul - you should be dating someone who is a good man and father to his own kids and who has compatibility with you, not his whole family.

Do you not realise the rate of sexual abuse is the highest from an unrelated male in the house - step dad's, step brother? You need to stop forcing everyone to hang out and sleepover and give your head a wobble, kindly.

Date for yourself and don't get the kids involved, they're teens and not likely to be interested beyond maybe becoming loose friends. You're forcing proximity, it's like having playdates where the kids don't even know or like each other just because you want a new mum friend.

This is a tween crush! They are just awkward and weird because they have feelings and emotions that they don't understand.

I cannot even tell you how warped and unusual this way of thinking is.

My romantic interest in a man can be killed if I can't picture him as a father figure to my children.

Honestly if you take nothing else from this thread find a good therapist and get counselling.

Okay - so, this is a life situation that is nobodys fault - but is an inherent problem of blending families with teens

I would IMMEDIATELY stop the families hanging out in this way.

There is nothing wrong with two kids having a crush - or one on the other - absolutely nobody should be shaming them

What is wrong is if this becomes a 'blended' situation.

You need to pull back the mixing of the kids right now - to protect both children.

I understand your point OP that you are looking for a man who may eventually at some point be interested in blending families.

I think that when kids are teens you need to consider keeping your relationship separate and not involving your kids. There is no way that a boy and girl of this age can 'suddenly' become siblings. They aren't related and the relationship is not properly protected by the normal 'taboo' between siblings.

Teens dont want their mum's boyfriend to be a father figure. In fact many of us that had mum's boyfriends foisted on us as teens wished to hell she had kept them far, far away from us.

There's truth in always last to know.
Great that you now do and good luck with managing it all.

OP I think you're being abit OTT on this.
They are 12 and 13 it's perfectly normal for them to have crushes at this age and I am absolutely certain that they are not the first to have a crush on mum or dads new partners kid nor will they be the last. It's very unlikely this will go any further. Chill out!

This feels weird to ask.

Is it even an option for a woman to date a man, while the woman's son date the man's daughter?

Please don't make fun of me if that's a really stupid question.

Not just a crush but a situational crush, that only occurred because they were pushed into prolonged proximity.

Of course she’s not the same as girls you’d expect him to seek out. Because he didn’t seek her out. She’s just there. They’re bored, developing romantic ideas and trying those out on the nearest credible target.

Some teens, not all.
I know step fathers who have been the best thing to happen to families and were a better parent than the biological father.

They are not siblings. You cannot expect teenage strangers to start acting like siblings.
I don’t even see my “fathers” other kids as siblings. They are just his kids.

You have some major self reflection to do. I agree with others, that therapy would definitely help. There is definitely nothing gross about the situation.

I'd be interested to know how long you've been with this boyfriend OP. I see you've ignored the question. Having now posted that you date men based on them having children (so you can be a "big family") and on them being a father figure to your DC, I imagine not very long, and not the first.

Your children, particularly your youngest, are very vulnerable to abuse in this situation- ie you forcing adult males into their lives in a quasi father role.

Date for yourself and leave your kids out of it. They will be so relieved if you do. I speak from bitter experience.

Just calm down and stop interfering OP.

So they have a crush on each other - honestly, so what!?

You're making this out to be a huge issue when I don't see any issue at all.

You describe your 13 son as if he is a 23 year old in a settled relationship, living in a self contained apartment in an annex, with a 22 year old girlfriend that frequently visits, and a "type" of girl that he likes.

He is 13. What in heaven's name is he doing in his bedroom with a 12 year old girlfriend? And how can he have a "type" of girl that he likes?

Rather than imposing a binary safeguarding lens onto family interactions, and giving the health and safety briefing on consent and intimacy, spending more time as a family doing activities together so that these young people can learn to interact with eachother in a healthy way may be a beneficial path to follow.

I've dated him since November 2025.

He met my kids in January 2026.

Why?

Lol it was so obvious from her running in to poke him what it was, very obviously crushes! It’s common at this age when you “blend” families - even though that’s not where you’re at. A few of my friends/peers at school ended up in this situation as young teens and one of them married his official step sister!!