I misread the situation between my son and my boyfriend's daughter

[SpunkyMentor]

I have a 16-year-old daughter, a 13-year-old son and an 8-year old daughter. My boyfriend has a 12 year-old daughter. More often my boyfriend and his daughter would come to my house for the times for everyone to hang out. My boyfriend's daughter spends the most time with my 8-year-old daughter. My son and my boyfriend's daughter don't really talk to each other, and they talk less when the other is around. They also tend to avoid being in the same room if they can. At times, I've seen my boyfriend's daughter literally run away from my son.

My son spends a lot of time in his room, either on using his tv, video games, laptop, phone, or weights. Sometimes he wears earphones. My 16-year-old daughter told me about something I didn't know. My 16-year-old daughter said that my boyfriend's daughter would sneak into my son's room. That BF's daughter will throw something at him and run away. If my son is wearing earphones, she might try to walk up to him, poke him on the shoulder then run away.

I asked my son about it and he confirmed it's true. I asked if it's part of a game and he said no. He said she's really weird. I asked him if she's bulling him. I told him boys can be bullied by girls. He said "yeah kinda." I told him I love him and that everything will be okay.

I talked to my boyfriend. To use a less harsh word that bullying, I said bothering. I asked my boyfriend to make his daughter stop bothering my son. And he said he will.

2 weeks later, things seemed better as my boyfriend's daughter has been spending even more time with my 8-year-old daughter. My son asked what's wrong with my boyfriend's daughter. I asked what does he mean. He said she's not acting like herself. I asked if she's still bullying him. He asked what do I mean. I said I told her father to make her stop bullying you.

He looked really upset. He asked why did I make her dad stop her and that things were perfect the way they were. I reminded him that he said she was bulling him. I asked if he's scared of her, he said no. I asked if she said something to him. He said no and that's the problem.

I asked if she's hurting him in anyway and he said no. He told me to stop asking questions as if she's a bad kid. I asked if he and her were friends. He said it's complicated. I said that maybe she can go back to doing whatever she was doing before. My son told me I don't get it and then he told me to stop meddling. He told me I ruined everything.

Obviously, I'm really confused.

Christ alive, they're CHILDREN! What children age 12 and 13 are having sex???

It's cruel to force any non-siblings to act like siblings just because you are going out with their dad. Crush or no crush.

Just see your boyfriend outside the home and leave the kids out of it. It's your relationship, not their's.

They're too young to have sex if they're 12 and 13 so I'd worry about that a bit later on, if they break up and it's weird for a bit then it's not the end of the world, and if they have kids...that's really far into the future so I wouldnt worry about that either. What I'd worry about is damaging my relationship with my son by being dramatic, micromanaging and meddling.

My son spends a lot of time in his room, either on using his tv, video games, laptop, phone, or weights. Sometimes he wears earphones

I think you’re directing your concern in the wrong place OP. This is such a sad way to let your DS spend his childhood.

😂😂 if course they're too young, but it happens.

To those saying they’re too young to have sex, let me remind you of Romeo and Juliet - “Younger than she are happy mothers made.” Juliet was 13. Proximity and teenage hormones can be a dangerous mix.

Yeah so like, keep an eye on them etc., not "blow it out of proportion and break up with your boyfriend", surely

Things will get really complicated when you become a grandmother.

I don't want a relationship where I just see the man alone without the kids. I want a man who is a father and who is close with his kid(s). It's very important to me that we spend time together.

this

Yep, here. The teens accepted each other, the new family were very settled. It had a slight hiccup when the wife’s son married the husband’s daughter with the rest of the outside family…but the kids had left home and gone their separate ways by then and decided where their relationship actually went.

Of course the crush may fizzle out, which leads to another situation.

I said might. I was clear with him from the beginning that if their was any major problems between our kids, it wouldn't work out.

I have to see if my son and his daughter can comfortable co-exist. If it's too uncomfortable, well. It can't work.

Your son’s past history!? He is 13 😂😂 How long have you been with your boyfriend? It really winds me up when people get their kids involved! Let’s hope you don’t split up and cause trauma and confusion for your children.

This is obviously what going on.
Step siblings shag all the time.

At least you have confirmation / your eyes are opened.
Id be clear and continue to actively 'crush the crush'.

I wouldnt rush to break up but equally you cannot leave them unsupervised

Adults aren't supposed to want to start relationships where their kids are forced to bond with strangers' kids

Romeo and Juliet is not real life.

I'm in my box.

If my boyfriend and I break up, my son will feel at fault.

And I'm not even worried that my son and his daughter will get into trouble with adult business. I doubt that would happen.

But the fact that my son has a crush on my boyfriend's daughter and it also be mutual, just makes me very uncomfortable. I don't 6 of us as a family at the dinner table and they're making googly eyes at each other.
🤢🤢🤢

I want a big family, not whatever freak show that is.

Yep I agree with this.

What’s the bedroom situation OP? Does your boyfriend and his daughter stay over? I have a 13 year old daughter who is very, very young for 13. We have two friends with 12 year old sons who we see a lot and have holidayed with and such. We are going to Spain next year and are actually looking at houses where my daughter would be in her own room - not that anything has happened and I’m fairly certain they’re all young for their ages and think of each other as cousins anyway - but because they just feel a bit too old to share a bedroom as unrelated teenagers. We can’t be totally naive.

If your son and his crush have regular time together out of sight and at odd hours anything might happen.

You surely recognise that bringing young people together of similar age who are unrelated strangers and getting them to spend lots of time together has a real chance of them developing feelings for each other?

Perhaps you shouldn't be seeking to blend families, but live apart and leave the kids out of your relationship as far as possible. Your blended-family fantasy is just that, a fantasy. For most, it doesn't work out that well.

If it's a freak show, Op, it's YOUR freak show.

When my boyfriend and his daughter have stayed over, she gets the guest bedroom. My boyfriend gets to stay in my room.

To have to even think about it creeps me out. My son wouldn't do, what people are fearing.

My son is so smart. I understand why he didn't want to tell.

This whole things creeps me out too much. And it's not their fault, it's my fault. I've been too naive and too eager to grow my family.

And here comes a new extreme /or two. Why shoud the behave like siblings if you are sh...ging the girl's dad? And why do u need breaking up?

OP I’m not sure why you are describing it as a freak show. They are not siblings and don’t live together so obviously these feelings are natural.

I don’t understand why his children are staying over when he does. That’s a step too far and perhaps something you should stop given the situation. You say they won’t have sex now but what about in three years when they are nearer 15?

I would continue with the relationship but slowly move it so the kids don’t come
aroind the house. Perhaps only meet with the kids occasional and out of the house. It will likely fizz out naturally if they don’t see each other.