I misread the situation between my son and my boyfriend's daughter

[SpunkyMentor]

I have a 16-year-old daughter, a 13-year-old son and an 8-year old daughter. My boyfriend has a 12 year-old daughter. More often my boyfriend and his daughter would come to my house for the times for everyone to hang out. My boyfriend's daughter spends the most time with my 8-year-old daughter. My son and my boyfriend's daughter don't really talk to each other, and they talk less when the other is around. They also tend to avoid being in the same room if they can. At times, I've seen my boyfriend's daughter literally run away from my son.

My son spends a lot of time in his room, either on using his tv, video games, laptop, phone, or weights. Sometimes he wears earphones. My 16-year-old daughter told me about something I didn't know. My 16-year-old daughter said that my boyfriend's daughter would sneak into my son's room. That BF's daughter will throw something at him and run away. If my son is wearing earphones, she might try to walk up to him, poke him on the shoulder then run away.

I asked my son about it and he confirmed it's true. I asked if it's part of a game and he said no. He said she's really weird. I asked him if she's bulling him. I told him boys can be bullied by girls. He said "yeah kinda." I told him I love him and that everything will be okay.

I talked to my boyfriend. To use a less harsh word that bullying, I said bothering. I asked my boyfriend to make his daughter stop bothering my son. And he said he will.

2 weeks later, things seemed better as my boyfriend's daughter has been spending even more time with my 8-year-old daughter. My son asked what's wrong with my boyfriend's daughter. I asked what does he mean. He said she's not acting like herself. I asked if she's still bullying him. He asked what do I mean. I said I told her father to make her stop bullying you.

He looked really upset. He asked why did I make her dad stop her and that things were perfect the way they were. I reminded him that he said she was bulling him. I asked if he's scared of her, he said no. I asked if she said something to him. He said no and that's the problem.

I asked if she's hurting him in anyway and he said no. He told me to stop asking questions as if she's a bad kid. I asked if he and her were friends. He said it's complicated. I said that maybe she can go back to doing whatever she was doing before. My son told me I don't get it and then he told me to stop meddling. He told me I ruined everything.

Obviously, I'm really confused.

This is a great post.

To reiterate: you have been dating this man for five months. The kids should barely know each others' names at this point, because if things don't work out, it's going to be even more disruptive for them.

As a side note I dont get why some PPs dont seem to understand that a 8yo and a 12yo can genuinly enjoy playing together.

This all reads very odd. Half the time OP writes coherently, the other half she writes the opposite.

To those saying 12 and 13 year olds can’t/won’t have sex .. you are VERY naive! It happens often! And possibly even more so in this weird set up. My son went to a classmates 13th birthday party .. one of their classmates brought their baby with them to proudly show it off.

To the poster who said the boy could end up on the sex register, so could the girl, why just mention the boy? But either way, it’s very unlikely given that they’re both underage, consensual, not in the public interest etc.

They can for sure, but surely not all the time. And I'd be concerned about my eight year old spending time unsupervised with an unrelated 12 year old, just for the language they might use, the topics of conversation, etc. Especially a 12 year old who had a crush on her brother!

And they were all blended into this nonsense after only 8 weeks.

Basic rule of thumb OP is not to introduce BF to DC until 1 YEAR - at 8 weeks you had no idea who this person was and if your relationship was sustainable.

Actually my description of ‘blended’ is too generous - there is no blending here just abandonment and isolation of each of the DCs by both of you.

Because the OP doesn’t know this 12 year old from Adam - same as she doesn’t know her father. I think it’s really shitty of both parents to dump these two girls together to play.

And it’s obvious the 13 year old and 16 year old don’t share OPs fantasy as they choose to physically take themselves away and isolate themselves when the ‘blended family’ rock up.

I mean the stats alone on the increase in likelihood of assault in a step family are scary enough. Does not mean every step parent is an abuser - of course not! - but it does mean you should proceed with caution - not bung every one together to play happy families after 2 months

Indeed. The fantasy here isn’t about families.

Of course your son didn’t want you to know he fancies your BF’s DD, he doesn’t want to be teased or it getting back the girl. He would feel humiliated and under scrutiny l!
I would just tell your BF you got it wrong and believe they have crushes on each other.
Do not tell BF or other DC what your son said in confidence to you.
I would tell your BF you obviously got the wrong end of the stick as your son has had a word with you since saying she was not being horrible towards him and that you’ve made it awkward between them now. I would say you think they have a crush on each other. You hadn’t even considered that possibility but going forwards you both need to a closer eye on them.

But they aren’t siblings!!! They are not related to each other. So stop trying to make it happen

theyre not a family though. They’re a poor set of kids pushed together because their immature parents are datinfn

You need to wise up fast. As soon as I read just the OP it was obvious what was happening.

My boyfriend and I talked about this situation. I told him my son has a crush on his daughter.

I also said that our relationship has been moving too fast and it's my fault. That I pushed for too much too soon. We agreed to scale back our relationship. My boyfriend will no longer be sleeping over my house.

As for my son and his daughter, new rules. The previous rules treated them like potential step-kids, the new rules treat them like friends. My boyfriend's daughter wouldn't be sleeping over anymore. They are not to be in a bedroom together without my knowledge. Some other rules but you get the point.

Most of their previous dynamic can continue. I still feel weird about it but I'm not panicking like last night.

Well, she hasn't said she does.

After my incorrect assumptions caused problems before, I don't want to just assume things again.

There will be new rules for my son and my boyfriend's daughter that should make that less likely to happen.

Well, I guess I am just being cautious with what I say about her. I was literally calling her a bully not too long ago.

And now you’re throwing your son under a bus while she gets away all innocent 😵‍💫

we all meet parenting problems for the first time that leave us at a lost. No shame in that.
Sometimes it’s hard to see your babies grow up, my sons are 49 and 45 and I still, have to remind myself that they are not wet behind the ears teenagers. They will always be my children……

There are reasons I don't want to walk around say she has a crush on my son.

1: What if my son then believe she does just to find out she doesn't. He would get hurt.

2: What if her father then believe she does just to find out she doesn't. He might get upset with me.

3: What if she hear that I was going around saying she has a crush on my son, and either it's something she isn't comfortable admitting or it's not true.

I guess I feel foolish because it feels like every other parent seems like they would have handled it better.

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