I misread the situation between my son and my boyfriend's daughter

[SpunkyMentor]

I have a 16-year-old daughter, a 13-year-old son and an 8-year old daughter. My boyfriend has a 12 year-old daughter. More often my boyfriend and his daughter would come to my house for the times for everyone to hang out. My boyfriend's daughter spends the most time with my 8-year-old daughter. My son and my boyfriend's daughter don't really talk to each other, and they talk less when the other is around. They also tend to avoid being in the same room if they can. At times, I've seen my boyfriend's daughter literally run away from my son.

My son spends a lot of time in his room, either on using his tv, video games, laptop, phone, or weights. Sometimes he wears earphones. My 16-year-old daughter told me about something I didn't know. My 16-year-old daughter said that my boyfriend's daughter would sneak into my son's room. That BF's daughter will throw something at him and run away. If my son is wearing earphones, she might try to walk up to him, poke him on the shoulder then run away.

I asked my son about it and he confirmed it's true. I asked if it's part of a game and he said no. He said she's really weird. I asked him if she's bulling him. I told him boys can be bullied by girls. He said "yeah kinda." I told him I love him and that everything will be okay.

I talked to my boyfriend. To use a less harsh word that bullying, I said bothering. I asked my boyfriend to make his daughter stop bothering my son. And he said he will.

2 weeks later, things seemed better as my boyfriend's daughter has been spending even more time with my 8-year-old daughter. My son asked what's wrong with my boyfriend's daughter. I asked what does he mean. He said she's not acting like herself. I asked if she's still bullying him. He asked what do I mean. I said I told her father to make her stop bullying you.

He looked really upset. He asked why did I make her dad stop her and that things were perfect the way they were. I reminded him that he said she was bulling him. I asked if he's scared of her, he said no. I asked if she said something to him. He said no and that's the problem.

I asked if she's hurting him in anyway and he said no. He told me to stop asking questions as if she's a bad kid. I asked if he and her were friends. He said it's complicated. I said that maybe she can go back to doing whatever she was doing before. My son told me I don't get it and then he told me to stop meddling. He told me I ruined everything.

Obviously, I'm really confused.

You’ve introduced two hormonal teenagers of the opposite sex, just 4 months ago, after only knowing this man for 2 months prior, and you expected him to be your children’s dad and it’s a complete shock to you, even when it was glaringly obvious from the first line of your op, that the two teenagers might flirt or more instead of being siblings

I honestly think you need to take a step back from all of this so that you’re able to keep your children safe.

you have no idea that your children are safe with this man
you have no idea that all the children are safe with each other.
the fact that this didn’t even occur to you is surprising to the point I’m wondering if this is a troll post

Bloody hell, that was fast!

Are you not actually interested In spending time with your dates and getting to know them yourself? Is it ALL about the ‘big happy family’ fantasy?

How many pseudo-dads and random offspring do your DC have to spend time with before you settle down? And then for how long?

Genuinely, OP, with kids these ages I wouldn't even be calling someone my boyfriend after five months, let alone talking of blended families and father figures. I am adding my voice to those saying get some counselling.

Calm down. Blimey. What's he done wrong?

He hasn't done anything wrong, but I'm guessing that poster was alluding to the fact that there are different categories of offences for sexual activity with a child under 13?

This is why I hate this idea of - 'I'll deal with my children and you deal with yours'...
If everyone is a family, you deal with things like a family and resolve issues together. This just sounds like everyone is having separate playdates with their individual mates.
Now there's an issue, you've probed your son and come up with bullying, reported her to her father who then has a separate conversation with her, and all while you have it all wrong.
If you were having conversations as a family, this could've been resolved much better.

In any case, this is probably the best outcome as you can now go back to your own homes and separate the relationship from the children, before they start forming a nice, cosy relationship under your roof.

This is was my conclusion too

Honestly, I don't feel like I've been a good mom this year. I'm usually more responsible than this.

Right now, I'm calm. I know I overreact to the crush. I don't need the fantasy of a big family. I'll make to talk to my boyfriend and we can we can do to make sure our respective kids are happy.

I've dropped the ball over these past few months but I will be a better mom for kids.

You've known your bf since NOVEMBER are you insane

If I were you I'd take your relationship out of your family. If you've only been together 5 months then you should be dating this man to discover whether you and he have something between the two of you you want to pursue, not trying to slot him into the vacant dad role in your household.
See him without the children around or at the very least restrict anything involving the children to activities or days out. There really shouldn't be the opportunity for 12 and 13 years olds who barely know each other to be sharing space so intimately having had it thrust upon them.
Respect your children's rights to privacy in their home and manage your relationship without them being dragged in.

I think you’re getting a huge amount of stick here, and you’ve not failed or been a bad parent, you’re just human - a naive one as you’ve recognised yourself.

there is no shame in two 12 year olds having crushes on each other.

I don’t see anything weird either if your son and his daughter at an appropriate age had a relationship.

yes there are potential complications if it got messy, but why not cross that bridge when it comes to it, rather than anticipating the worst?

the best remedy to a teenage crush is distracting them with other potential crushes, can they go to clubs etc to diffuse some of that tension between eachother by meeting other people?

perhaps just let it run its course.

ETA just seen the post where you say when you met your BF. Perhaps let things cool a little and try not to force all these things together so early? You’ll need a stronger foundation to handle any issues as they come up between your families, best you figure that out just the two of you, rather than with the whole clan involved!

Are you American, OP?

This may have been mentioned but there is a great fiction book on this subject by Francesca Segal called ‘The Awkward Age’
It lays out this exact scenario but they are older

I can't edit, but see you barely even know each other after your whirlwind meeting blending exercise.

Just pull yourself together, establish some boundaries around protecting your children, and find a man who also has boundaries for himself and his children.

The whole thing just sounds like a monumental mess ☹️.

Maybe I'm just having a bad night or a bad week.

I feel like I've been painfully naive. I also feel like I've been forcing everyone to be a family.

I have to figure out what is ths best outcome for my son.

Not everybody had crushes aged 12.

This can’t be real. Surely.

You have one job and that is to keep your children safe. I’ve had cheese in my fridge longer than your ‘relationship’. These poor poor kids.

Hope so, given the username.

The best interests of your son is to calm down. Set house rules about how they interact and keep to them.

I apologize to everyone here for my anxiety.

I'm calm now and I will talk to my boyfriend tomorrow. Try to figure out something that works.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Hopefully this girl feels the opposite to you as she sent him Valentine's chocolates and goes into his room to tease him.

But this isn’t what’s happening - all that’s going on is that the 12 year old is babysitting your 8 year old and your other DCs are separated off just so you and your BF can spend couple time together.

He is also not a man who is parenting his DD correctly because he’s happy to drag her along when this is his contact time - he should be spending that time one on one with her - not dragging her round to his GF house to babysit / keep the 8 year old engaged and be cold shouldered by the older teens - poor girl - and her ‘great Dad’ - thinks this is good enough?

I feel really sad for all the DCs in this - your deprioritised and off loaded 8 year old, your ignored 16 year old and the emotionally intruded upon 13 year old and the neglected and exploited 12 year old - all so the adults can make googly eyes at each other.

I do not understand the obsession with being a big happy family. Basically you have forced something with absolutely no thought to your kids and what is happening. It absolutely boggles my mind the number of women who put their relationship before their kids. It’s time to grow up and realise this isn’t the Brady bunch!