I don't want to be a parent to my child anymore

[helpmepleasea]

I don't know what to do with my 6 year old and I need some help

She's 6, about to turn 7. It's fairly obvious to anyone who meets her she's either autistic or has ADHD.

So the issues.
She's aggressive with me. She's trashed the house more times than I care to admit. She hits me, spits at me, pulls my hair, bites me. She speaks to me like I'm the most stupid person on the planet
No consequences work. She isn't motivated by anything.
She won't get rid of anything. We have baby toys from when she was 1 because she screams for hours if I consider getting rid of them. My house is full of shit for lack of a better word
She has no friends. The couple of friends she has have all drifted away because she's bossy, it's very much her way or no way. She also lashes out at them when she gets overwhelmed
She is never wrong. I can watch her smash a cup and she will tell me it wasn't me and she genuinely believes it

I'm chasing a diagnosis but it's a 6 year wait list and no I can't afford private
I'm broken. This is just the main couple of issues but any questions please ask and any advice please help

I'm a single mum. It's just us two. But I don't want to. I'm covered in bruises and bite marks and I honestly just give up

No idea. Dump her on the local orphanage steps?

@helpmepleasea what you can ask her school to do is scheduling a referral to Early Help.

I would chase her dad down and leave her with him. You’ve coped with her all on your own for too long. Enough is enough.

Do you think you're being funny?

Would you consider SS and say that you're not coping? Some family friends have got an autistic 5 year old who is a huge danger to their younger sibling and they are getting a lot of help and support. Which surprised me, to be honest, and in a good way. They have attended parenting classes and use a local children's centre for support.

It wasn’t meant to be funny. The OP is at her wits end so why shouldn’t she put her into care?

Her dad isn't involved. I don't know where he is. I don't even have a number. He sends maintenance on the 30th of each month and that's the end of that.
I am so tired. But she also doesn't sleep. We will be awake tonight till 2, 3 am. If I try to sleep she hits and kicks me. She wont sleep in her own bed. She's in mine. Kicking and punching and screaming. I am so done. I have fantasies of just walking out and never looking back. Or refusing to collect her from school. Getting as far away as possible from here as fast as I can

'Dump her on the local orphanage steps' was a serious suggestion then?

Can you call the social services duty line and say that your daughter is in danger because you’re in the edge of walking out?

If you get nowhere with them, call 111.

It was a response to a flippant comment. I don’t know the process for it but there must be a way to put a child into care. The OP has suggested not picking her up from school so that shows her level of desperation.

@Iamgratefulreally there's no such thing as putting a child into care , it's a referral process. Emergency foster care is also a referral process.
OP, you can ring the social work duty line if there's no one else who can help you.

This sounds awfully difficult. I work as an SEN TA in a school and as previously mentioned girls do mask very well. That’s why statistically there seem to be less autistic girls than boys and a now a huge rise in women being diagnosed as autistic as adults, eg Christine McGuinness-she’s done documentaries on her diagnosis. In general if a girl is diagnosed autistic early in primary school, they are very autistic. She saves it all for home because you are her safe person. You are her safe space. I know this doesn’t bring you any ease though. I would agree with a previous comment and go very low demand with her. Im not saying allow her bite and hit and kick. But make it that she isnt triggered by demands. I would video her violent out bursts and take them to the school SENCO and your GP. But do this videoing so she doesn’t know (get a baby camera placed somewhere covertly that has recording ability. Explain to both that you are at your wits end and cannot cope. I know every instinct is to punish and put consequences, and for physical violence I would have consequences , make a space you can bring her and leave her until she’s calm. There is no point in reasoning then. It’s incredibly difficult. I’ve worked with very autistic children and go home every evening exhausted and with sympathy for the parents that can’t just close the door behind them and go home to a normal life. For now, go very low demand. School work is not the priority.

@helpmepleasea you sound as if you’re in crisis. If that is the case, then it’s time to ring your “local council social services emergency duty team”. They are there, out of hours, for vulnerable people in crisis.

Kick someone when they’re down eh?

Yes they do, I have 6 year old twins just like the OPs daughter. I also have a 10 year who does NOT act this way. They were all parented the same way.

you clearly have no idea what it feels like to be terrorised by a small child daily.

I get why everyone is talking about masking. But to be honest I think this sounds more like a case of utterly sh*t school. If she’s been chucked out of swimming and rainbows, will have meltdowns in front of near strangers in the street and in shops and grandparents refuse to have her, she’s clearly not a pro masker. This is especially pertinent if she’s struggling academically.

Because it's incredibly difficult to get a child taken into care. Social services don't want to take children from families, they do everything they can to keep them at home. The threshold for removing a child isn't that low.

Ok, so I don’t know the correct terminology. The important thing is that the OP needs space from the child, however that is achieved.

OP you have my sympathies. I too have a child like this and I am also a single mum. I know everyone is saying contact GP, school, health visitor and social services but I called every single one of these and was ignored repeatedly - I begged for help, everyday i was getting punched in the face really hard, kicked, spat at and so was her younger sibling, no one was interested.

I'm lucky, well not lucky as it's still hard work but I've been able to afford private for diagnosis and pay for private therapy at a huge cost. I'm by no means rich and I've gone without to pay and wracked up credit card debt at one point but our system is so broken that I was told it was a 3 year wait for cahms so don't bother after my child had a knife and tried to stab themselves. Apparently no one cares about that other than me.

I've been told since then that I should present to A&E, call the police and ask for your child to be taken into care and apparently they listen. If you have no means to go private, i would suggest the right to choose pathway and then continue to raise hell with all the services, make a nuisance of yourself if you have to.

I wonder if you could try her on the melatonin gummies you can buy online? I’ve never tried them but my friend recommended them to me when my child was being tricky at bedtime. Maybe if both of you could get some sleep things might not seem so desperate.

I'm just going to walk out. I'm so done. I shouldn't be hiding in my own bathroom and crying from a 6 year old. She told me she's going to hurt me if I go downstairs. I'm going to walk out and to hell with this. I'm done

Oooh my post had been immediately hidden. I wonder what word flagged 🤔

Apparently it’s because I used a term for chewy sweets. Who knew!!!

I think you need to call the police OP. I don’t say that lightly, but I think you are at a point of not being able to keep the two of you safe. I’m so sorry you are in this situation.

Please, you need to phone the out of hours duty social workers. Please don't just leave your home, you need to tell them what is happening. Please do it now.

Yes, I agree. At least tell the police that you are leaving her alone and that you are not getting any support