I don't want to be a parent to my child anymore

[helpmepleasea]

I don't know what to do with my 6 year old and I need some help

She's 6, about to turn 7. It's fairly obvious to anyone who meets her she's either autistic or has ADHD.

So the issues.
She's aggressive with me. She's trashed the house more times than I care to admit. She hits me, spits at me, pulls my hair, bites me. She speaks to me like I'm the most stupid person on the planet
No consequences work. She isn't motivated by anything.
She won't get rid of anything. We have baby toys from when she was 1 because she screams for hours if I consider getting rid of them. My house is full of shit for lack of a better word
She has no friends. The couple of friends she has have all drifted away because she's bossy, it's very much her way or no way. She also lashes out at them when she gets overwhelmed
She is never wrong. I can watch her smash a cup and she will tell me it wasn't me and she genuinely believes it

I'm chasing a diagnosis but it's a 6 year wait list and no I can't afford private
I'm broken. This is just the main couple of issues but any questions please ask and any advice please help

I'm a single mum. It's just us two. But I don't want to. I'm covered in bruises and bite marks and I honestly just give up

This shows you have absolutely no understanding of ASD with PDA. Why not try to educate yourself a little?

She's just thrown a lamp at my head. Because I asked her to let me up the stairs so I could go for a wee. She's screaming again. I quit.

Couldn't agree more. Though you'll be ripped apart for pointing out the obvious. It's pretty transparent.

I think you would really benefit from support from the social services, OP.

Are either you or her father, or any grandparents, diagnosed as neuro divergent? I ask because that might at least give you a clue. In the meantime, video everything and contact social services for help. Ask school for a meeting with their Parent Support person if they have one - the County may have one if the school doesn't.

I’m sorry to be this person, but the people in your life should really be helping you out here.

Our ASD son can have destructive and violent behaviours, so absolutely no judgment here.

You need a way to keep you both safe, a room that either she can be put in where she won’t come to harm, or that you can retreat to when needed. Either way - I would strongly recommend removing yourself from the situation when she’s escalating to physical violence.

We do things like hold his arms by his side when he’s hitting, moving his hands away when he goes to hair pull and physical restraint when it’s absolutely necessary.

There is support out there. There are some fantastic charities who have shared experiences. Carrie and David Grant discuss child on parent violence in podcast/ YouTube videos. I’m sure I’ve heard they do a course.

There is one on YouTube: Behind Closed Doors: Child-on-Parent Violence with Carrie & David Grant

I would just say gently that there are a few red flags in what you’ve posted. You say she won’t get rid of anything and screams etc and the place is trashed? She’s six. It’s up to you as a parent to get rid of stuff and keep the place tidy.

I saw a girl like this at my daughter’s school. Dad wasn’t around and the mum was ineffective and couldn’t be bothered.

Yeah some kids are on the spectrum, genuinely. Others just have a complete lack of discipline and structure at home.

If I were you, I’d take a day off work when she’s at school if you work. Clear out her room so she has the minimum amount of toys and clothes she needs. Then you have a nice clear space.

As somebody else suggested have a very clear structure to your day and some very clear consequences if she doesn’t behave. Be consistent.

Also I would remove screen time completely. Remove sugar. Make sure she eats healthily. Make sure you read every day, even just for five minutes and get some fresh air.

Start with those things before diagnosing her with mental health issues. It won’t change overnight but I bet you will see a difference.

Im so sorry you are having to cope with with this OP. My friend is a single mum to a boy who is 10 with ADHD and she has gone though years of awful behaviour with no family support and no father to be seen. I genuinely have no idea how she survived, I really don’t. I think she’s come close to just walking out many times. Thankfully he’s just got his official diagnosis and medication prescribed and I pray to God it gives her some respite.

I admire you so much for the strength you must have inside of you to keep going each day.

Other than it's my son, this is exactly how he was. The only 'help' was referral by GP to child mental health people after he had caused me significant injury (requiring medical intervention) by biting me. Initial referral when he was 8. Seen when he was 11. Diagnosed (officially). 2 more 'meetings' in which we were blamed for being parents with expectations of behaviour. Dropped like a hot potato when he reached 18. No treatment, advice, intervention. Total waste of time and resources. He is still my son (30's now) but I still don't like him particularly. Unemployed, but refuses to claim any sort of benefit.

I think that's a great idea!

OP go to GP and ask for Right to Choose. This speeds up diagnosis route. look up info on PDA. I’m really sorry this is so tough.

OP you can't give up but you do need help. Ring social services and say you want a social care needs assessment. Tell them all the behaviours your daughter is displaying and say that you're no longer feeling like you can keep her safe, you're at breaking point. Don't let them fob you off, tell them you need someone to come out and see you at home. You desperately need some support. Make yourself an appointment with your GP and tell them that you're feeling hopeless and completely overwhelmed. Your GP should support you in asking social services for help. FYI you don't need a diagnosis to get help from SS.

Look into PDA op .

I wonder if the stress of managing at school means all the controlling, hoarding, aggressive behaviour comes out at home. She's super-controlling in an attempt to manage her own anxiety.

There's a psychologist called Dr Naomi Fisher who writes a lot about demand avoidance, autism and school issues https://naomifisher.co.uk/ You might find some of her stuff useful.

Do you work OP? One thing I have read about that seems to work for some children/families, rather than being stricter with more consequences, is to remove as many demands as possible, including the demand of school.

Jesus wept, you really don't have a clue, do you? If you aren't the parent of a child with PDA/autism please don't offer such trite advice. Make sure she eats healthily, gets fresh air and read every day 🤦‍♀️ completely clueless 🙄

You need to ask for an appointment with the senco at school immediately. It's quite alarming that they see no issues with a child that struggles massively to get to school and is years behind. It took us a year to get the school to take ds2's needs seriously as he went into total shutdown at school, so was quiet and not moving. They paid more attention to the disruptive ones instead. Of course he also learnt nothing, didn't eat and exploded the second school finished.

It sounds like the trauma from school is causing home issues. Stop all homework and make home as low demand as possible. What is she interested in? Try to do more of that. The refusing to walk is because she is overwhelmed. Would she go in a disability push chair instead?

Reported.
You don't get to swear at others for having
a different point of view, however much you disagree.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s so hard and I’m in awe of any parent who deals with this.

I hope this is helpful and based on experiences of a few children I know like this. All are Autistic with PDA profile and some also have experienced trauma which further complicates matters.

dont wait for a diagnosis, tell school you want her treated as if she is, they do not need it to make accommodations for her that might improve things at home. You can also research autism, PDA etc and start to parent her as if she has these conditions. Particularly with PDA language and approach matter hugely. After a day of demands at school, any more at home will likely set her off. I’d also look at low demand days. Particularly Friday after school to Sunday night. Take off every single demand you can. It might mean weekends are a bit boring for you, but could help her behaviour at home. Sensory circuits can help to run off some energy but let activities by guided by her.

If she’s struggling academically and you’re struggling to get her to school, and school are doing the whole “she’s fine here” I’d be looking for a new school. From experience these schools often try to do everything they can to not support the child or family. Quite often these schools are part of larger academies (that could just be a local issue). She needs a school that will actually support her with learning and support you.

speak to social services. Chances are all they will do is advise some parenting courses that aren’t designed for neurodiverse kids, but there can be some useful things there.

dont try to tackle issues like getting rid off stuff just yet. Sounds like she’s close to burnout and not going to be able to respond well.

Im a mum to an ASC child and it really takes some adjustment to parent the child we have not the one we imagined.

So sorry things are so hard. There is good advice on this thread (and 2-3 to ignore). My DC was violent to me (not biting) and it took years for the bond to come back, but it did as things gradually improved. Please don’t feel bad for not liking her, it’s probably more common than you think.

As others have said...
Contact school senco, tell them that you're doing a right to choose referral and a parental EHCP request (called an EHCNA)
Tell the school that you want her discussed at their next CARM meeting (this is where they discuss children with the local authority advisors on behaviour etc) you want your daughter observed and a report written. I don't for one minute believe that she's not showing any of these behaviours at school even if she's managing to mask the aggression effectively. As she's behind, ask about her individual education plan and what are they doing about it (they can't just say you need to do more, there will be social groups, literacy groups etc )
If you need support in the home, ring your local authority children's services and ask for a family support worker or early help (sometimes called enabling families or similar) they can help you with strategies whilst you're waiting for the other things to be put in place and can also go to meetings with you so that you feel supported (they are social workers but this isn't Child In Need or Child Protection) there's something called a Single Point of Referral which is now used by professionals and someone else has already mentioned Team Around a Family meetings (TAF)
Are the school following the graduated approach? Do the Assess, Plan, Do, Review?
All questions you can ask

The situation sounds awful. Could you put her up for foster care or adoption?

I am so sorry OP, what you’re going through is incredibly difficult and unfortunately people who haven’t been parents to child with additional needs simply do not understand how difficult it is.

Please contact social services and school senco and insist on getting help for her.

@Roosch sorry, but you don't just 'put children up for fostering or adoption' that's not how the different systems work

What?! What the hell is going on on MN today? This is insane. Newsflash: people generally don’t throw their children away because they’re malfunctioning.