I don't want to be a parent to my child anymore

[helpmepleasea]

I don't know what to do with my 6 year old and I need some help

She's 6, about to turn 7. It's fairly obvious to anyone who meets her she's either autistic or has ADHD.

So the issues.
She's aggressive with me. She's trashed the house more times than I care to admit. She hits me, spits at me, pulls my hair, bites me. She speaks to me like I'm the most stupid person on the planet
No consequences work. She isn't motivated by anything.
She won't get rid of anything. We have baby toys from when she was 1 because she screams for hours if I consider getting rid of them. My house is full of shit for lack of a better word
She has no friends. The couple of friends she has have all drifted away because she's bossy, it's very much her way or no way. She also lashes out at them when she gets overwhelmed
She is never wrong. I can watch her smash a cup and she will tell me it wasn't me and she genuinely believes it

I'm chasing a diagnosis but it's a 6 year wait list and no I can't afford private
I'm broken. This is just the main couple of issues but any questions please ask and any advice please help

I'm a single mum. It's just us two. But I don't want to. I'm covered in bruises and bite marks and I honestly just give up

@Roosch no, that’s not how that works, ffs. Social services don’t take children into foster care at parental request. Contacting Social Services might be helpful as they may be able to offer some support to the OP but they are going to do everything they can to avoid removing a child from their home.

Not helpful , not kind and not in the spirit of mumsnet

She sounds like DS2 before he was on medication for his ADHD, although he didn't mask at school, in fact over the last 3 months they've had the brunt of it. I sometimes think that in many ways that is no bad thing, as it's made it totally obvious to everyone that there was a problem for him.

They can basically be in a state of dysregulation almost all of the time. It creates a really vicious cycle where anything you try to either impose order or soothe the issue and create calm gets interpreted as a threat and they fight it or simply appear to be on a totally different plane of consciousness so it doesn't get through to them. The way that I got any kind of calm at home was to be aware of the fact he was dysregulated and not in his rational brain, but rather more of an instinctive survival state. This is why they say they don't remember things, or say things which don't make sense. DS2 used to point at the window/glass door and absolutely scream at me "Why are you making it rain?!?! Make it stop right now!" He wasn't a toddler who might have thought that I genuinely had that power, I think he was about 5, it's just how upset he was. Or on one occasion he started to pull his own hair (it was long at the time) and screamed at me that I was pulling his hair and I had to stop because it was hurting him. It was incredibly distressing to witness, it wasn't all self-directed though, a lot of the time it would be directed at others. And in some ways he was lucky as I already knew what was going on as I was familiar with the issue from my older DS, who wasn't as extreme, and who grew out of it. (With him I used to have the dark thoughts about not liking him and felt guilty about it.) I only understood the concept of dysregulation in hindsight with DS1 but he absolutely was experiencing that too.

Mona Delahooke is incredibly good at explaining the whole thing, but I don't know if her books will be practical enough for you at the stage you're in. Robyn Gobbel's Big Baffling Behaviours was more of a practical one for us, and helped reduce a lot of the dysregulation.

This is also coming up and may be useful. I have not done it before so not sure whether it's practical advice or just sympathy, but the speaker tends to understand this issue well and she is based in the UK (which I am not) and speaks to the UK system. www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/my-child-isnt-fine-at-school-tickets-1980544344449

I'm currently on long term sick. I'm waiting for an eye operation as I can't see very well and I need a full corneal graft. I'm also understandably very anxious and very stressed.
I need her in school. I'm sorry. She cannot be with me 24 7. I'm sure it might help but right now I can't.
I'm going to make a meeting with the SENCO Monday morning and look into the right to choose

If school tell you they can't do anything as they don't see the behaviour, I'd ask them what they expect of parents when a child has problems at school but the parents don't see the behaviour at home?
Do they still expect the parents to work with them to solve the issues?

No advice, OP, just to say that it sounds incredibly tough for you both and the way you are feeling is totally understandable. I hope you can get some help and support as it’s no life for either of you.

Oh God, OP, it must literally be like living in a nightmare or a horror film. Obviously I've never met your child and don't know what is going on for her, but I'm wondering if she might have a mental illness, rather than being on some ND spectrum. Believing that she has not done something she's just done, and wanting to regress back to infancy... Does her GP have anything helpful to say?

The GP told me that I can be referred on a waiting list for an assesment and that was the gist of it really

My friends girl is very similar to this - no issues at school though so very hard to even persue a diagnosis. Her DH left her last year and took their 2 younger children with him for their own safety! Absolutely heartbreaking. She deregistered her from school as everyone was saying that she was masking and the school environment didn't suit her. Things are far worse than they ever were now and she is locked in her house most days as her daughter will not let them out. She threw her mums phone out the window the other day. Her biggest regret was taking her out if school as she is now a prisinor in own home 24/7 rather than just weekends and evenings. I worry for my friends safety - she is very close to putting her in foster care.

What planet are you on?!?!

I don’t know who suggested you take her out of school, but it’s terrible advice. Breaking her routine right now would cause her behaviour to deteriorate even further and you, understandably, are already at the end of your tether. Keep her in school, push harder for them to cooperate with you and engage with the reality of what you are dealing with (film her if you have to!)

It may be that further down the line, a different school might be more supportive - but you’d be nuts to take her out now.

You need to explore right to choose. Download the ChatGPT app if you don't have it already and ask it to guide you through the process.

I’d take out a zero per cent credit card and pay for a private diagnosis with a PDA aware provider. Also look up the PDA Society website. Even if she doesn’t have it, she has several of the traits and so the parenting techniques should help. My PDA daughter was really difficult around this time and life has got steadily better as she gets more autonomy and understands the anxiety of the unexpected and how to make allowances to control her environment as much as possible, and to always have an escape plan in place to prevent meltdowns. Try doing low demand and meeting all her demands with the understanding that her nervous system is in shreds and she needs to regulate. And you are her safe person. Watch Casey from At Peace Parents as her advice is so accurate and on the case. Lots of people will say read The Explosive Child, but I think you can skip that if you’re pushed for time and just watch At Peace Parents until you get your head round it. Also the courses from the PDA Society are amazing for helping parents understand their kids and appreciate what they’re going through. Wishing you luck in your journey!

OP this has red flags for ASD all over it as far as I'm concerned. 'She's also obsessed with everything being fair and doesn't like change.' Peak ASD in my book. 'She's very sensory. No tags in any of her clothes, lights have to be low, food can't be touching and eats the same meals on rotation. If things are out of the ordinary she meltdowns.' So typical of ASD.

The fact she won't throw out anything even toys that are much too young makes me smile because it reminds me so much of DS. I remember so clearly he had a lego model that was too young for him, he took it apart so he could use the pieces to build something else - and then cried all the next day that he'd taken it apart. We wanted to redecorate his room that had lots of preschool pictures he'd done on the walls and he was devastated by the idea. He was heading towards secondary school age before he was 'nearly' ok with it all being taken down and changed.

It's quite possible she also has ADHD of course, she sounds extremely impulsive but I know less about that so can't say much else.

OP in the car could you give her bread sticks to eat and play a story for her to listen to to distract her? Or songs if there's any she likes. If you find something she likes listening to you might find she's happy to listen to it over and over and over again which might at least make car journeys a little calmer.

Never being wrong can be a sign of very low self esteem - and I'd suggest that on top of possible ASD/ADHD this is a child with extremely low self esteem. She is really struggling at school and she cannot work out how to have friends. She only has one parent and she has no idea how to build a connection with you either. As incredibly difficult as she is OP she so desperately, desperately needs you to be fighting her corner and loving her. She also really, really needs to be in an SEN school and getting a lot of professional help IMO. I would say her school sound absolutely flipping useless tbh.

I would talk to the SENCO - secretly film her if you can, tell them the list of typical ASD traits that you've said and I've listed above. Ask them to get someone in to observe her from SEND/SENDIAS - they're not always brilliant from what I've read but the one that saw DS was amazing and despite him being extremely well behaved at school flagged several subtle things that she thought suggested ASD. I spoke to the lady too so if you can secretly film dd melting down and asking her if you take her babyish toys to the charity shop then do that too.

Good luck OP, I'm so sorry that you're so alone in this situation but please don't give up on DD.

People saying push the school have no idea the way the referral system works. Referrals are no quicker if a school does them or a parent does through a GP. If she's not presenting with these difficulties at school then you're much better pursuing a referral through your GP. If the school did one it would go nowhere as they are not seeing the behaviours that you are describing. School will be asked for their views and they cannot lie and say they see behaviours which they don't see, however if you build a good relationship with them they can mention the difficulties you are having with her at home.

We have this all the time, parents telling us about awful sleep problems or aggressive/anxious behaviour at home which the children are effectively masking at school. The most we can say is 'possibly the child is masking anxiety etc'.

It sounds awful. You need to pursue a diagnosis starting with a referral by your GP. Take video evidence, or perhaps it will be obvious to the GP if you take her with you.

My DSD is audhd and was more or less fine at school until year 2 when she started to struggle and by year 4 she was in school 2 half days per week with one to one support. Once she got a proper school placement she became so much happier and less explosive at home.

You can’t carry on being abused in your own home OP. Why can’t you put her into care as there is no support for you?

This sounds a lot like PDA. I know you’re at the end of your rope right now, but can you look this up and see if you can adopt any of the strategies suggested by at peace parents or Amanda Diekman? I’ve been where you are now, and it can change. Sending strength.

You can't just put your child into care.

How do you think that works? You just go to the council and hand your child over?

@TBC45678 parent can complete a form for a EHCNA, it's on their local authority website. Yes, I agree schools won't list behaviours they don't see but school should be able support appropriately with this child being behind with her learning even if they aren't seeing the other behaviours

How far off are you being able to afford a private assessment? If you have any money left over at the end of the month after food and unavoidable bills I would seek out a private assessment with a provider who understands ASD and PDA in girls and stick it on credit as a priority, While not ideal to go into debt you could literally be facing a life out of work if she completely burns out and school resistance becomes total school avoidance. If you give a rough idea on location I’m sure people can advise providers.

Sadly, as much as EHCPs theoretically aren’t based on diagnosis, if school see nothing you will need evidence she is falling to pieces around school hours to be taken seriously. You’ll get an ed psych assessment as part of the EHCP who hopefully might be able to untangle why she is struggling academically as well.

You need to buckle up for feeling like an absolute nuisance. But you need to be shouting from the rooftop who dysregulated and violent she is. Keep updating the school and the GP even if nothing comes of it so you have a paper trail. Good luck.

I'm cut down to the bone. I don't have anything left over at the end of the month. I don't think a credit card or a loan would take me on. I don't have anything to cut back on. I'm so stressed. She's pulled my hair and she's spat at me. I'm done

Your DD sounds like my friends daughter. She was an absolute angel at school but would kick and bite her at home and have the most horrific meltdown. School didn’t see anything wrong until my friend videoed what the meltdown was like and school finally paid attention. She was ‘coping’ till end of year 1 (similar age to your DD) and then all of a sudden just completely disengaged with school and refused to go. My friend couldn’t physically drag her in and it’s not recommended either. Ultimately school referred her for assessment, she’s doing it privately and she’s autistic with PDA profile. She’s completely changed how she parents. Life is still difficult and she’s basically home schooling most days, but feels like her DD is finally making baby steps….

Possibly have a read of PDA profile and see PDA parenting approach and see if it makes a difference? Sorry it sounds like it’s been so so hard on you, sounds like you are doing everything you can and you sound like a loving but exhausted (and battered) mum. I hope you’ll find some good advice on this thread on how to find real life support for your DD

@Lightuptheroom totally, though an ECHP is very unlikely to be granted with absolutely no diagnosis or professional involvement.
And yes, definitely agree with school needing to be supportive re. being behind with her learning, but again, an EHCP will not be granted because a school says a Year 2 child is still reading phonetically decodable books. That's behind, but not drastically. I definitely agree that school needs to put support and intervention in place, I just think the OP needs to pursue a referral and diagnosis through her own GP.