I don't want to be a parent to my child anymore

[helpmepleasea]

I don't know what to do with my 6 year old and I need some help

She's 6, about to turn 7. It's fairly obvious to anyone who meets her she's either autistic or has ADHD.

So the issues.
She's aggressive with me. She's trashed the house more times than I care to admit. She hits me, spits at me, pulls my hair, bites me. She speaks to me like I'm the most stupid person on the planet
No consequences work. She isn't motivated by anything.
She won't get rid of anything. We have baby toys from when she was 1 because she screams for hours if I consider getting rid of them. My house is full of shit for lack of a better word
She has no friends. The couple of friends she has have all drifted away because she's bossy, it's very much her way or no way. She also lashes out at them when she gets overwhelmed
She is never wrong. I can watch her smash a cup and she will tell me it wasn't me and she genuinely believes it

I'm chasing a diagnosis but it's a 6 year wait list and no I can't afford private
I'm broken. This is just the main couple of issues but any questions please ask and any advice please help

I'm a single mum. It's just us two. But I don't want to. I'm covered in bruises and bite marks and I honestly just give up

^^ this

we found the forest very good. Quiet and lots of sensory stuff climbing trees

I hear you. Its awful. Its hard.

But what do you want to achieve?

I know you are using this thread as an emotional release but there have been literally a zillion really proactive suggestions of things you can do.

I’m saying this with absolute love, but this is on you. Yes, you got dealt a rough hand. But you have to parent the child you have, not the one you wanted. And you are really focussing on all the things you can’t do rather than the things you can, and for things to get better you will need to get in the right headspace. Things are hard but you are not a victim. You’re the adult and your girl needs you to steel yourself and get through this next bit.

I am saying to you what my social worker said to me. I have been where you are and it got better. It will be the hardest thing you ever do but for whatever reason destiny chose you for this job and you don’t get to turn it down x

Even when I speak to school tomorrow there's no magic fix. I'm very grateful for the advice and the suggestions. And I'm not discarding any of them. But the problem is I'm at the bottom of a very long hill and I know that I have to fight to get even marginally up said hill.

I need an operation in my left eye, an operation to save my remaining sight which isn't much but I've cancelled it twice because where does she go? I need to be in hospital for a week but nobody will have her.
Yes I am worn down. The idea of taking her out makes me want to scream. The idea of staying in makes me want to scream.

Again not to sound flippant again but great destiny chose me but I don't want this. I want to make a cup of tea and not be worried that she's going to kick me because the rules have changed and suddenly the kitchen is off limits

Someone suggested writing a list of what triggers her and to see if there's a pattern. And currently my list says everything.

I called 101 and 999 last night. Nobody came.
I've called the off duty social worker. Nobody came or cared.
Maybe I do seem done or like I don't care. I'm just done and if I could walk out and disappear you can guarantee I'd take it.

Get your operation sorted, social services will have to put your daughter into foster care temporarily. Let others see how she behaves? Look at it as a week of respite. And while you're in hospital, you ask for help because you can't cope.

Take a deep breath, go for a long walk to tire her out and while she's at school tomorrow, tackle one black bin liner of stuff a day so she won't even notice it going and you can phone the NSPCC.

But you aren’t going to walk away and disappear so you might as well crack on with the suggestions that many pp have made across this thread.
i say this with love - I know how hard it is! But you CAN do it, and you need to fight for your lovely girl and your relationship with her.

Duty social workers won't visit. A regular social worker won't visit same day. But I would say that the difficulty of your operation is actually a reasonable basis to request support for your DD to be accommodated by the local authority temporarily. That does happen. I would suggest you contact children's services first thing on Monday morning and refer yourself. You won't get any kind of immediate response but they should consider carrying out an assessment.

Kindly, I understand it comes from a place of worry that she’ll escalate, but regardless of whether our son has made the “rule” that the kitchen is off limits - I’m not following his rules.

I do wonder if the reason she feels able to lay down all these rules, is because they’re being followed.

Our son is autistic, and lacks capacity and understanding. Why would he be in charge? He had the rule that the sun needed switching off a few months back. I love him, but he talks actual nonsense.

We try and keep demands low when we can - he’s been awake most of the night so he’s currently in his pants watching TV, on his iPad. But if he started telling me I’m not allowed in the bathroom, he’d be getting ignored.

Its so hard isnt it. Everyday is a battle. Have you talked to your GP about prescribing medication for yourself to take the edge off to help you cope!

Well considering the OP gets things thrown at her, as well as bitten, punched, scratched and spat at when she doesn’t follow the rules it is pretty obvious why she does follow them.

What is your solution to that?

OP is terrified and I think compassion rather than judgement of her parenting is a more appropriate response.

Please read my posts on this thread, I have given practical advice.

I know first hand that it worsens the behaviour when you allow kids like ours full control. If our son could rule the roost, he absolutely would - and him controlling every situation would involve aggression. We have to manage what he can control, and have non-negotiables for what he can’t.

Our human functions like eating, drinking and going to the toilet are on the list of things we do not allow rules for.

In the long run, it is good advice to get yourself out of the corner you’re backed into.

I had surgery last year and my parents took my youngest for a week it was heaven. Definitely get your operation booked the local authority will offer temporary foster care

I am going to say this as kindly as i can - getting rid of the baby toys today might make you feel better temporarily but it's unlikely to help in the long run. I know they need to go but hear me out.

It seems like you feel she shouldn't need them anymore so you're going to get rid of them. It might feel like a punishment. I would get her to choose some of the smaller ones to keep. If she needs them around to feel safe, and she's also so dysregulated by even small changes cause her genuine distress, then bagging up a load of stuff and taking it away will cause her to spiral. It'll change her environment quite a lot to see the spaces where that stuff used to be. It's got to be done really carefully. I don't want you have to come back and post later today to say she went absolutely off the charts because of this and you've been hurt. She's not regulated enough to cope with this right now, would be my gut feeling from parenting similar children.

My children have regressed in times of stress - 8 years old going back to watching peppa pig because it's calming, familiar and regulating. We let them get on with it - emotionally and cognitively they are behind other children of their age and trauma (including the everyday trauma of attending a mainstream school without support) can push them back even further.

Could be a compromise to move some of the stuff out of the main living areas? Get rid of it out of the house bit by bit. You're both in crisis - now isn't the time to make any big moves that will make things worse.

As for the birthday party, it's heartbreaking that nobody wants to come. If you can dredge up the energy to get a cake and some balloons can you do a little birthday party her and you?

You are right. The OP might not be able to implement this immediately though given how helpless she feels and how low her daughter’s current tolerance to lack of control/being told no is. You definitely aren’t wrong, and hopefully the OP read it in the spirit in which I believe it was intended - that she CAN and WILL regain control of her home and her parenting.

The stuff she's asked for for her birthday are quite big. She likes to move around and things and she will want to play with them and have them out but I've got no idea where to put them.
There is literally no space. So it's a can't have new stuff with the old stuff. Shes going to be cross either way. She either gets rid of stuff or doesn't get her new stuff out.

As for the party yes she will have a cake and I'll get balloons. She doesn't get invited to parties. She never does since midway thru last year when she grabbed the birthday child by his face because a balloon popped and she didn't like it.
Even now she's telling me that she can't wait for her birthday and her birthday party and all her friends are coming.

School have zero concerns about her behaviour but they have told me she doesn't have any one she plays with or socialises with at school. She's usually alone.

I know you have been supportive in your posts.

But I also noticed that you used the words “we” and “our” so you obviously have a supportive husband and you tackle this situation together.

OP is completely alone - she doesn’t have friends or family to support her or back her up. This is her life 24/7 with no help from anyone. That sounds very different to the situation you are in.

I think it’s important to remember that when telling OP that she’s taking the wrong approach to her daughter’s ‘rules’, no matter how kindly you think you are saying it.

See the fact that she doesn't socialise with anyone at school should be a big red flag to them worthy of investigation. But they're refusing to see it.

Mainstream schools are absolutely useless with ND children. It's just a fact. If they acknowledge needs, that means they have to meet needs and they don't want to. The referral to early help might help to get someone in your corner to fight for your child because currently its you against the entire school - and they'll just keep saying "but we don't see it, there's nothing we can do" - that's absolutely not true. There is things they can and should be doing.

When you go see the senco tomorrow you need to make it abundantly clear you are at your wits end - they have safeguarding responsibilities to your daughter. They cannot just brush this off.

Your upcoming operation is a good deadline for social services to get involved, as they will need to temporarily accommodate her.
I'd call social services again on Monday and tell them you are going in to hospital and have no one to care for her for a week.
Maybe speak to the hospital social worker too and see if they can get on it.

Don't make statements like will offer temporary foster care because it's by no means assured that they will. It's definitely worth pursuing as an option.

What other option has she got?

Do this op.

No, she has none. But let's not assume that social services can or will automatically step in here. It will be a battle to achieve this, but it's a reasonable request to make.

This sounds really tough and extremely draining.

Can you use the fact you need to organise childcare for a week for your operation as an acceleration for other support?

It could be the start of some respite.

Talk to your GP.
Talk to social welfare.
Talk to SENCO.
Record/eposides.

Your daughter clearly has additional needs. Her behaviour and treatment of you isn't personal. She can't help it. I know it's shit but keep fighting and pushing for support with ever avenue available you.

A diagnosis, support and some respite would make a much difference to you.

This sounds extremely sad for both of you. I hope you get some support and therapy for your daughter and hopefully in time things will improve.

Sweetheart I’m not going to even pretend I have any ideas about your daughter but I absolutely and genuinely want to send you All the love in the world …. I am beyond sad for you and what you’re going through , and I’m sad for her too …. X

Excellent recommendation and one I would seize on x