I don't want to be a parent to my child anymore

[helpmepleasea]

I don't know what to do with my 6 year old and I need some help

She's 6, about to turn 7. It's fairly obvious to anyone who meets her she's either autistic or has ADHD.

So the issues.
She's aggressive with me. She's trashed the house more times than I care to admit. She hits me, spits at me, pulls my hair, bites me. She speaks to me like I'm the most stupid person on the planet
No consequences work. She isn't motivated by anything.
She won't get rid of anything. We have baby toys from when she was 1 because she screams for hours if I consider getting rid of them. My house is full of shit for lack of a better word
She has no friends. The couple of friends she has have all drifted away because she's bossy, it's very much her way or no way. She also lashes out at them when she gets overwhelmed
She is never wrong. I can watch her smash a cup and she will tell me it wasn't me and she genuinely believes it

I'm chasing a diagnosis but it's a 6 year wait list and no I can't afford private
I'm broken. This is just the main couple of issues but any questions please ask and any advice please help

I'm a single mum. It's just us two. But I don't want to. I'm covered in bruises and bite marks and I honestly just give up

If there is a branch of the national autistic society near you then they run parent support groups. No diagnosis needed as they know how long it takes.

i found them very helpful.

Do you have any respite? Does she ever stay at her dad's, your parents, could anyone look after her for a couple of nights?

My parents refuse to have her. She has completely trashed there house and broke plates and cups. She speaks to people like they are perhaps the most stupid person to ever live.
My parents have tried taking her out for a walk to the park etc but she runs and it's not safe
Her dad is nowhere to be seen. He sends maintenance monthly and promptly but he hasn't seen her since she was 7 weeks old.
No respite available

I'm so sorry, it must be incredibly difficult, especially with so little support.

This might be worth a read. A needs assessment can be done without a formal diagnosis.

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/social-care/social-care-england-children/support-available

@helpmepleasea this does sound like PDA. It's very tough to manage and miserable for both of you.
If you Google PDA infographic it will take you to the PDA society which has a lot of useful info and advice. The infographic gives a summary of the PANDA approach which could help regardless of any potential diagnosis. You may have to involve social services via Early Help if things don't improve to support you both.

If the normal behavioural approaches don't work try therapeutic parenting. It's all about building connections, staying calm, time in instead of time out and natural consequences. If she is ADHD/Autism/PDA the normal approaches won't work, people without knowledge or experience will tell you that you need to be firmer, harsher consequences etc but it just escalates the situation.
Try and manage sensory needs, have a look online at sensory circuits, she may need more sensory input, she may also need less sensory input in some areas. I'm guessing she is verbal so she may be able to tell you herself what she needs, does she say anything is too loud or too bright? Does she constantly want to climb or have things in her mouth? Does she hang upside down? Monitoring her behaviors and what's going in when things escalate can help you make the changes needed to manage the behaviour.

I try so hard to see the good in her. But there just doesn't seem to be any.
And I am very aware of how horrid that sounds.
Nothing seems to bring her joy.
She did swimming and rainbows and she was asked to leave.
She's very sensory. No tags in any of her clothes, lights have to be low, food can't be touching and eats the same meals on rotation. If things are out of the ordinary she meltdowns. Usually hitting and punching me

She never sits still. She's always climbing. And she won't go anywhere alone.

Im so tired. She's still screaming that nobody will play with her and every part of me wants to say because you hurt them but I'm ignoring her. If I say something she will probably hurt me

You need to refer yourself to social services. Not because you are doing anything wrong, but because you need support. They are not there to swoop in and take kids away. They can also be a huge support.

You need a TAF meeting
Request the school set one up
Contact social services,and ask for a carers aessment
Go to your doctor's,show the bruises and ask for urgent help from CAMHS
Get a meeting with the school ,go in with everything written down in bullet points ,that is happening at home ..tell school you need their support and understanding,take any video evidence you have .
Keep a diary of her behaviour..write down what sets her off ,what you think was the trigger ,and what she had eaten or drank prior..just in the slim case food or lack of is contributing to this issue.by keeping a behaviour diary ,it's something to show CAMHS,and it helps you discover a pattern if there is one .
Keep demands to an absolute minimum,read up on PDA .

She doesn't understand her emotions,or why they are so big .she's most likely masking all day at school ,and exploding when she sees you /gets home because your her safe space ..it's really hard for both of you x

^^ this sort of strategy is one I’ve seen work a lot more in households with children who are ND.

also CAMHS isn’t always the best option because although there is a higher chance of co-occurring mental health conditions such as Anxiety and Depression, being ND in its own right isn’t a mental health condition and doesn’t automatically mean you’ll struggle with mh conditions. Best support is usually environmental and at home changes

She's also obsessed with everything being fair and doesn't like change. So she wants to be carried still. She's 7 in a week. I cannot carry her. She's heavy but she literally won't move. The other day we were walking home with the neighbours and her little boy fell over so I picked him up and gave him a cuddle and put him back down. His mum was further behind so I got there first. She had a meltdown. Screaming that she needs a carry and she threw herself on the floor and screamed.
She wants baby stuff. Potties, nappies, bottles. If she sees them in the shop she screams she needs them. She's practically 7.

Capa First Response | Together for safer families - Capa First Response https://share.google/Mf6QqitRKpQIxgQFt

This charity is helpful - get on their waiting list and in the meantime access their free seminars if you can.

I have a similar child and that was the peak awful age. She's calmed down a lot.

It's not you who needs to do more - it's school. Go on the IPSEA website and download their template letter for requesting an ECHNA. Send it to your LA as soon as you can with whatever evidence you have.

If you are anywhere near Keele, they do ASD assessments at Caudwell Children for free, subject to certain criteria. I have also seen the charity Parents in Need recommended a lot on here.

Your DD is experiencing classic restraint collapse after holding it together all day at school. Look up the "Coke bottle effect" and also PANDA strategies on the PDA website.

There's a good website called Sensory Smart that sells alternatives to school uniform items that might work better for her.

I had to get a lock put on my home office so I could keep important items (and sometimes, myself), safe.

It's really hard.

Keep posting if you can.

In terms of seeing the good in her, the book 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Bernstein) has some good strategies.

That sounds incredibly hard and I am so sorry it’s such a struggle. You can still access support without a diagnosis of anything.
Have a look for your local SENDIAS - Special educational Needs Advice and Info service. Just google it. You don’t need a diagnosis as a first step. Call them on Monday and explain all that is happening at home and ask for advice. They can advise on what to ask school to help with,what you may be entitled to and also whether there are groups or services in your area who could help.
Your daughter needs support at school by the sound of it and you need advice and options. Hope you find some help.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/specialeducationalneeds/5309128-ehcp-support-thread-no-5?utmcampaign=thread&utmmedium=app_share this thread may be useful when you're in the EHCP process. It may not seem so, but if DD does have ASD with PDA features, she's doing well to manage school with no support.

Be careful with SENDIAS. They are funded by the local authority and may not be neutral.

It's better to get advice from IPSEA as they are independent.

Poor girl. I wonder what is happening at home. Children don't behave like that for no reason.

How is that helpful? It is literally the mum, a single parent, posting.

It sounds like after-school restraint collapse which is really, really common with autistic girls. They mask all day at school and then spend their time at home exploding all over the place. You’re her safe person, so you’re the one getting sprayed with lava. It’s awful and lonely, I wasn’t even parenting alone and I still ended up in tears frequently with bite marks all over my arms.

The fact that the school not only say they can’t see anything, but also refuse to listen to what you are seeing and engage with you in getting support - this to my (jaded) eyes suggests that they are probably fostering an environment in which your daughter has to mask bloody hard to survive. I agree with everything that’s been posted about low-demand parenting. You will have to lower your expectations (for her and for yourself) and really prioritise peace and minimising conflict. If that means she stays behind in literacy, so be it. She can catch up later. It’s much more important that you stop living in a war zone and recover your bond with her. However much you love a child, it’s impossible to have warm feelings about someone who bites lumps out of you, so don’t beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. Sending a big hug, I hope things do improve for you both.

PS: I also think you should take her to your GP and insist that she is assessed for autism; explain that the school aren’t cooperating. If you can afford to do it privately, that would be much faster (we couldn’t).

Edited to add - sorry, I’ve just read the OP again and seen you’re already pursuing a diagnosis and can’t afford private. I really should read properly in the first place 🤦‍♀️

DD was a shin kicker and spitter. It was definitely hard to love her in those moments.

If she's massively behind at school then the school need to actively do something about it. I was told this about my youngest, they offered no help at all just a statement along those lines. I sent a very strong, stroppy letter to the head teacher, which ended with me saying that I sent my child to school to be educated, if they couldn't do that, I expected them, as professionals to consult with the appropriate person at the l/a to get him educated. It worked.

The child needs seeing by an educational psychologist and the best way to access that would be to request the ECHNA.

This might sound stupid but I use chatgpt to give me in the moment advice on my PDA DC. "How to get a PDA child to do X if they are saying...and hitting..."

JLou08 has it right. You need to consider a less firm approach, which is counterintuitive and contrary to every bit of general parenting advice.

my recommendation is to look for places to take yourself out of the equation entirely. Where do you have stress points?

Let’s consider something like getting ready for school because it’s a common one. First, make it as easy as possible. Let breakfast be simple food. Let her eat breakfast on the sofa curled up in a blanket. Horror to most people, but it is a routine that works for us.

For things like clothing and a school bag, make sure it is all prepped the night before. Everything else, create a visual guide that she can easily check off the steps herself. You no longer move her along. She takes ownership of the routine. You don’t tell her to brush her teeth. She sees a picture that tells her to brush her teeth. Then she checks that off on the chart.

I made a magnetic flip board for my child back in the day, but they sell commercial products now I have seen. I knew she would lose pieces, so I made sure everything was attached. You have to make sure there is no chance this is hard for your child given their weaker skills.

The mum, a single parent, is describing exactly what is happening at home.