MIL says I molly coddle my DC

[Stephanieava]

I think I just need a rant more than anything

The in-laws live abroad in Spain. Make little effort, a facetime call every 2-3 weeks or so

But on the last call my MIL had the cheek to say she thinks we molly coddle our DC (turned 2 in July). They started to have a tantrum on the call (edited by MNHQ) & i took a minute to correct them ‘I know you want some crisps right now darling, you can absolutely have some after dinner not a problem. Would you like them in a bowl or on a plate?!’ - you know that sort of redirection. Works an absolute charm everytime

Well MIL was just like ‘oh my god just say NO!!’

And then text my husband after the call to say we need to be firmer. She makes these kinds of comments on almost every call & it annoys me when I think… they abandoned my husband at 16 to move away to a council house hours away. Left him sofa surfing for 11 months. Now they’ve gone to live in spain cause it’s cheaper. Which of course they’re entitled to do

The thing is, our son wouldn’t know her if she passed him in the street. She has absolutely no idea what he is like

He is the kindest, sweetest, clever little boy. Who of course has the occasional melt down but we deal with it in the way we see fit

My mum also comments sometimes on the way we parent, thinks we’re a bit namby pamby so she says, but he is honestly an absolute dream. Knows he’s loved & feels safe. Something me & my husband both said we felt lacked from our own upbringings

Actually don’t know what the point of this is tbh haha but just felt like i needed a rant!

i’m a millennial (born 89) and just feel the older generations (not all, some are absolutely amazing) really judge us on the way we’re trying to do things now

Great username.

In fairness, OP listened and stopped using the term. She's not the problem, I'm sure we all use terms with offensive origins - as long as we are open to learning it's all good in my book.

Are you Irish? I am and I read it on here at least once a week. It’s just pure racist. People don’t learn; that’s the problem. Ignorance is no defence.

I am Irish and I've been fighting this particular fight for about a decade on here. I suspect whenever my email pops up at MNHQ they don't even read it to see what I'm reporting, as nine out of ten times it'll be the awful "throwing a paddy".

But OP has listened to the Irish posters telling her it's not acceptable and resolved to stop using it. Days ago.

Other posters are awful but nothing new there.

Me neither but I've only 59 years in Ireland.

It seems to be a thing in the north of England. I don't like it (am Irish, it's not used there) or the constant use of it on here but as it's called out so often I figure people are getting the message. I reckon the origins of the term are a few generations back so people don't realise how it came to be in common use.

Anyway the child was promised crisps after dinner and was good so should get them. The language used was modern parenting speak but it works for the OP so the MIL should keep her beak out.

Fair play. Keep fighting the good fight mo chara.

OP I would've said something very similar. Why have a battle when you don't need to, especially in the middle of a call with grandparents. If I'd said outright no to my son, it very likely would trigger a tantrum. That's fine, I can handle it, I don't give in because he shouts and screams, he learns the boundary, but it does mean that granny can't actually talk to him because he's writhing on the floor shouting. Would she rather that had happened?!
Your response sounds word perfect for the fabulous book How To Talk So Little Kids Listen. Very much about picking your battles, redirection, giving control where possible, saving no for when you really need it to count, saying no without saying no, creating an atmosphere where child can trust you and respect you. Read it if you haven't (though it doesn't sound like you need tips!)
A comment like your MILs would have totally incensed me. Like you I work very hard to parent well and I think you did a great job.

Did I say that you shouldn't say no? I said that redirecting tantrum ing toddlers is a better way of dealing with them than butting heads, until that phase is over. I spent most weeks parenting alone while DH worked all over the place and came home at the weekend. I had little support when he was away. My children knew that when I did say no, there was no chance I would change my mind. They heard the word, and knew exactly what it meant well before nursery school.

Your comment implied that I obviously hadn't a clue, and had forgotten the delightful toddler years, failing to recognise those of us further down the line can see and share our experience.

The op is implying that it's only now this approach is used. Eh it was used in the 80s by many so called "hippy parenting" my late mother was an advocate but of course it's only now that parents discovered it 🤦‍♀️.

I agree using the word NO is vital. Do people really think we didn't use distraction or choice options 16 years ago? However the fecking degree of complexity to say to a toddler no later by the op was pure performance parenting 😁

You need to teach them all to mind their own business. Your child, your way. Which they obviously did. Stick to your guns or it will only get worse. (Grandma and MIL speaking here btw)

Well I'm a boomer and I've been using the closed choice method to avoid whining since the late 1980s (thanks to Penelope Leach)

Only this morning, before leaving the house with my 4 year old grandchild who will strongly resist having to go to the toilet before going out, I said "we both need to go to the toilet . Do you want to go first or second?"

Sometimes you just want to get on with life, and if you provide a choice that they have to think about, they don't think about arguing. She chose second with no fuss, btw.

Grandchildren listening to grandparents is totally different than listening to mummy and daddy!

You really think you need to tell me that?

As I said, this is the same strategy that I used with my own children back in the late 80s and very early 90s, when it was equally helpful.

I believe that Penelope Leach was the one of the first parenting 'gurus' to suggest it.

You really do sum up the 'teaching a grandmother to suck eggs ' saying.

just so offensive.
hard to believe this is still being casually dropped into the dialogue. 🤦‍♀️

Why is this person using such racist and offensive language without censure?

Exactly Barbara.
maith thú, a chara.

It is a racist term.
It’s a stereotypical descriptor of Irish people as temperamental, easily angered, quick to fight.

Kindly stop using it.