MIL says I molly coddle my DC

[Stephanieava]

I think I just need a rant more than anything

The in-laws live abroad in Spain. Make little effort, a facetime call every 2-3 weeks or so

But on the last call my MIL had the cheek to say she thinks we molly coddle our DC (turned 2 in July). They started to have a tantrum on the call (edited by MNHQ) & i took a minute to correct them ‘I know you want some crisps right now darling, you can absolutely have some after dinner not a problem. Would you like them in a bowl or on a plate?!’ - you know that sort of redirection. Works an absolute charm everytime

Well MIL was just like ‘oh my god just say NO!!’

And then text my husband after the call to say we need to be firmer. She makes these kinds of comments on almost every call & it annoys me when I think… they abandoned my husband at 16 to move away to a council house hours away. Left him sofa surfing for 11 months. Now they’ve gone to live in spain cause it’s cheaper. Which of course they’re entitled to do

The thing is, our son wouldn’t know her if she passed him in the street. She has absolutely no idea what he is like

He is the kindest, sweetest, clever little boy. Who of course has the occasional melt down but we deal with it in the way we see fit

My mum also comments sometimes on the way we parent, thinks we’re a bit namby pamby so she says, but he is honestly an absolute dream. Knows he’s loved & feels safe. Something me & my husband both said we felt lacked from our own upbringings

Actually don’t know what the point of this is tbh haha but just felt like i needed a rant!

i’m a millennial (born 89) and just feel the older generations (not all, some are absolutely amazing) really judge us on the way we’re trying to do things now

Another one who has no idea the word paddy was racist. Thought it meant tantrum, which it was clearly used to mean in the OP.

Surely one is a noun and one and adjective…

Seriously?

It’s more the pandering to putting them in a bowl or a plate and over the top darling I think sounds irritating, if it was ‘yes if you eat your dinner you can have a snack later’ I wouldn’t find it so grating and cringey.

Look it up

Good on you. That's the mark of a decent person - learning from your mistakes.

I'm also from Yorkshire and I honestly didn't twig that's what it meant. It's really common - it's the way of saying tantrum. Like a daily used word by parents of young children collectively.

I honestly don't think anyone has thought about what it means. I don't think any of us have connected paddy to an Irish person. Like I said, I thought it was the action of paddling.....

I had to Google it...but now I've read what it means......yikes.

Please do remember that people in parts of Yorkshire greet each other by saying hey'up cock'er and we don't mean anything sexual by it.

Deary me - how bad is that, we didn't know! It's awful. I'm so embarrassed 😳

Deary me - how bad is that, we didn't know! It's awful. I'm so embarrassed 😳

Alright. Jesus Christ, you've grovelled enough.

Most people don't give a damn.

And why do you think they're the same word?

There's such a difference in the way OP has reacted to the way you've reacted. One of you is coming across much better than the other.

This reminds me of the time when a relative with minimal experience of animals told us we needed to be better at setting boundaries for our cat...

😂

hahahahaha

Some people on here could do with reading up on why it's good to say yes when you can to children.

https://www.parent.com/blogs/conversations/2023-5-reasons-you-should-be-saying-yes-to-your-children

You can say yes without all the unnecessary pandering waffle.

Classic Mumsnet pile on the OP over nothing. OP I have 3 children and work with children and offering a bowl or plate is actually good practice as it helps make them feel heard and that they have autonomy over some decisions. It also diffuses a tantrum as it gets them thinking about what they want. Same as red cup or blue cup, walk or scoot to the park etc.
Saying no to something that you had said yes to earlier in the day is not “good parenting" it's just mean.
I wouldn't be worried about what MIL has to say, she's not exactly the mother of the year and things have (thankfully) changed since the children should be seen and not heard years.

Op is ranting in Parenting. If you can relate and support, great. This is not AIBU, no need to attack her.

And actually there's so much thought in the way she reacted to a tired, hungry toddler in the evening, during a video call with others. OP judged the situation perfectly. She got the result she wanted after one sentence. Calmed down the child without giving in to what he was asking.

If she had said 'no', it's very unlikely that the child at this age would obediently just stop his demands. The situation would've escalated in no time - child getting more upset, parent getting embarrassed in front of in laws, and getting frustrated, etc.

She's the parent, and she's in control of whether and when to give in the crisps. But she doesn't need to be authoritarian about it. She is the calm authority, with empathy and validation.

Op, let your mil call it what she wants. Let your mum judge. Your parenting sounds very considered and respectful. It is common sense parenting.

@Stephanieava if your MIL is rude to you on these calls then let your husband do them alone. Be busy putting your kids to bed / in the shower/ working / visiting a sick friend in hospital .

I know someone who didn’t go to one single family event for her husbands family for 20 years because either she has a migraine or “ the cat was sick and she didn’t want to leave her “. BTW that included weddings, Christenings and first communions for her step children and grandchildren.

Try opening a history book or two?

@snugasbuginarug thank you so much, I really needed to hear / read this. Currently sat here crying at feeling heard.

Third trimester pregnant & struggling mentally & physically to then be told by MIL that I’m also parenting wrong in her opinion, it just got a bit much in the moment when I’m trying my absolute best

I don’t deal very well with comments that seem to serve no other real purpose than to upset / annoy / poke at the recipient. I’ve dealt with those my entire life by my side of the family, just plain mean sometimes. Maybe that’s me being pathetic, who knows

Just because you think something & have the ability to say it, doesn’t mean you should - my husband actually said this to his Mum. Hopefully she takes it on board

Thank you again x

I was more incredulous that you thought that made it acceptable. Where do you think the term came from?

I'd probably mentally roll my eyes a bit too, @Stephanieava , and it's interesting that your own mum has suggested you're a bit "namby pamby" (I have consulted Google and seems that this 1762 expression from is still safe).

But you'd think your MIL, a woman who abandoned her own child to the wolves at age 16, would have the good grace to keep her mouth firmly zipped about anyone else's parenting.

On occasions like this I like to say 'the best advice I ever got was to be very careful who I take advice from' (wink and walk away).

Especially when it is unsolicited.

You could elaborate and say well DH is not unscathed by his upbringing from you two. And he can't stand up to authority at all.

And then say something about too much sun and age spots and has she heard of dermaplaning? Or that mole looks much bigger than last week. Or Joey and Tiger been playing games again. Did you really just say that, loud sigh, do fuck off.

Your ignorance of grammar doesn't make it any less racist. Both are nouns.

I don’t think anyone’s suggesting she should’ve said no, I certainly wasn’t!

I could just completely relate to why her MIL would think it was a bit of an overly simpering way to respond to a simple request that could’ve been replied to in a similarly simple way.

Yeah. The only people who care are those who don't agree with casual racism.