MIL says I molly coddle my DC

[Stephanieava]

I think I just need a rant more than anything

The in-laws live abroad in Spain. Make little effort, a facetime call every 2-3 weeks or so

But on the last call my MIL had the cheek to say she thinks we molly coddle our DC (turned 2 in July). They started to have a tantrum on the call (edited by MNHQ) & i took a minute to correct them ‘I know you want some crisps right now darling, you can absolutely have some after dinner not a problem. Would you like them in a bowl or on a plate?!’ - you know that sort of redirection. Works an absolute charm everytime

Well MIL was just like ‘oh my god just say NO!!’

And then text my husband after the call to say we need to be firmer. She makes these kinds of comments on almost every call & it annoys me when I think… they abandoned my husband at 16 to move away to a council house hours away. Left him sofa surfing for 11 months. Now they’ve gone to live in spain cause it’s cheaper. Which of course they’re entitled to do

The thing is, our son wouldn’t know her if she passed him in the street. She has absolutely no idea what he is like

He is the kindest, sweetest, clever little boy. Who of course has the occasional melt down but we deal with it in the way we see fit

My mum also comments sometimes on the way we parent, thinks we’re a bit namby pamby so she says, but he is honestly an absolute dream. Knows he’s loved & feels safe. Something me & my husband both said we felt lacked from our own upbringings

Actually don’t know what the point of this is tbh haha but just felt like i needed a rant!

i’m a millennial (born 89) and just feel the older generations (not all, some are absolutely amazing) really judge us on the way we’re trying to do things now

Boys do need to hear NO from women.

So when they're teens and men, they recognise it and understand it has meaning and weight.

Taking the mickey wouldn't be considered offensive. I think it comes from a different root so it's not based on the slur of referring to an Irish person as a mick.

Feeling a bit sorry for the pile-on you're getting here OP.

Sounds like you are an overwhelmed (and pregnant) parent with a toddler, who has a critical mother and in-laws, and is trying to find new approaches to parenting that don't follow what you and your partner experienced as kids. It's hard. As your child gets older you'll get more practice with using boundaries, which is not at all the same as being unloving, it's really important for healthy development. It sounds like you are being thoughtful about how you want to parent. People can be really harsh on Mumsnet.

I'm Irish, it's good people are questioning the word. But I know it's widely used by people who don't connect it with any racist usage, and I wouldn't be getting my knickers in a twist of someone used it around me.

And the vast majority of those on here who have been using the term have accepted that the phrase is racist and will try not to use it in the future. That's perfectly reasonable.

It's the individual who is still insisting that it's fine who has the problematic attitude.

"i’m a millennial (born 89) and just feel the older generations (not all, some are absolutely amazing) really judge us on the way we’re trying to do things now."

Older generations have always looked at younger generations this way. You'll do the same yourself when your time comes. It's nothing new and nothing to do with being a millennial.

" Stephanieava
@OchonAgusOchonOh Here I am being educated again! You’ve mentioned ‘Mick’ being offensive

I hear this used as an almost daily occurrence. Example ‘Oh I’m just taking the mick / mickey’ or ‘stop taking the mick / mickey out of me’
Is that offensive in that context?

Sorry for any offence caused by asking this, I’m genuinely curious

Taking the mickey wouldn't be considered offensive. I think it comes from a different root so it's not based on the slur of referring to an Irish person as a mick."

Taking the Mick/Micky is also considered a slur word/ that and Paddy should be avoided

@Macaroni46 i didn’t say there’s anything wrong with saying no sometimes, there are some situations where I do and sometimes kids can be argumentative and I have lost my temper sometimes and shouted no but those aren’t the norm.

When I grew up I had a really negative, shouty, smacking mum so I was determined to do the opposite with my kids. They’re teens now but at some point when they were toddlers I must’ve read an article about how it’s better to be positive than to say no. I can’t remember the exact reasons but I suppose it suited me more. I tend to find other ways to say no like giving them choices or explaining why they can’t have an ice cream just before dinner (although I did think op went too far and I would’ve been firmer on a call with someone else because dc need to learn to not interrupt)

I’ll sound judgy here but I have seen friends saying no constantly and wonder if the kids will really trust them when they’re older or the pattern of being shouted down with no (like I was as a child) will just stop them trying to engage with their parents when they’re older . It turned out my kids had autism, adhd and pda and can be relentless in asking for stuff they don’t really want or need and no could lead to a meltdown. As part of these conditions they sometimes struggle with knowing what their emotions were and I have had to become good at helping them to unpick their feelings and what they really want. In that sense saying no immediately loses me the opportunity to coregulate with them as it won’t turn into a conversation.

Taking the mick comes from Cockney rhyming slang doesn't it??

The bowl or the plate darling thing would have me inwardly rolling my eyes a bit.
But that's just me - you sound like a lovely mum!

That's what I thought too.

Taking the mickey is unrelated to the use of Mick for a Catholic/Irish person AFAIK.

Paddy ad a shortened form of Patrick is absolutely fine, as a derogatory term is like frogs for French people, not acceptable. Having a paddy I never knew to be racist until MN, and I'm Irish but would not really hear it and never used it.

Your mother in law probably thinks you used eleventy million too many letters when N and O would have sufficed perfectly well. I read what you wrote and half way through your described conversation I thought " ffs, she sounds like a right feathery stroker, just say no". I get it though, we all have different parenting styles and mine was no nonsense and straight forward. Your MIL needs to respect yours or atleast hold her tongue.

And my parenting might have been straight forward and no nonsense but to my surprise I'm a total feathery strokery wanker of a Nanny. My daughter is always complaining that I never ever cut her sandwiches into hearts or pumpkins or snow men etc. I never ever ever drove to the shops a different route if the sun was in her eyes. Why do her kids get to choose a variety of artisanal cheese for their picnic when she had to make do with cheese slices and my crappy rectangle butties. But she's also very 🤨 that I have offered to take my grand kids on a cruise every year but won't pay for her and her husband to go. ( she had a perfectly lovely childhood with a grand mother that adored her and cut her sandwiches any way she wanted and we took her abroad plenty etc. )

My advice @Stephanieava is to just parent the way you're happy with.

Time people learned then.

Back in the 80‘s? I would consider that, depending on where you were brought up and who brought you up, that slur was being used much later and still being used. Crikey when I think of all the racist phrases in play at home when I was a teenager in the 90‘s, from parents born in the 40‘s I would have had little idea they were offensive. I’ve spent years correcting my mum, she doesn’t say the p word in front of me any more or dar*ie but if I’d not corrected her she’d have carried on and I know she thinks I’m totally unreasonable.

Just wanted to say ignore all the judgmental comments. The point of your post was to have a little rant which you are absolutely entitled to. There was no need for anyone to start judging your parenting- that wasn't anything to do with your post. Sounds like you're doing a great job and are doing your best to raise your son right. Please don't feel like the way you parent is wrong because of the comments on here. You didn't do anything wrong with the way you dealt with your son. All the best with the rest of your pregnancy and hope your mil keeps the judgement at bay going forward 😊

Ahh mumsnet to the rescue again , to degrade and belittle anyone who posts . Seriously ignore any judgment parent how you feel is working well for you , what people are failing to see here is that two year olds often can’t self regulate , when they’re saying just say no later a toddler really has no way of knowing what later looks like , what op did was explain shortly what later looks like gave a time frame easy to understand and then deflected any sort of meltdown by offering a choice of bowl and gave that toddler something else to think about which then changed his mindset , good work I say .

Has everyone here forgotten what parenting a 2 year old is like? Butting heads with them is tiring and unnecessary if you've found a good redirection that works. I suspect that DM and MIL used to smack tantrum ing toddlers. Using the word "No" can wait until children have outgrown the tantrum phase. And BTW, "because I say so" is not a good response to the inevitable "Why?".

Op I think what you said was perfect way of deflecting the toddlers demands. I know that with my daughter at 2 years old saying 'No' or 'yes but later' wouldn't have settled her.. at 2 she had no concept of what later was! In fact even at 6 my daughter struggles with waiting until 'later' as they have no concept of when that may be. I understand why you asked about the bowl or plate as that got them thinking about something else. I think you are doing fine Op. You do need to say no sometimes but I think on a video call isn't the place to practice!

I am from Bristol and in my 40's and I also didn't know that throwing a paddy (for tantrum) was offensive. It's used a fair bit here too. I also just connected it with padding about or padding the ground with fists etc. I will make sure not to use that term again.

Just say "well you've had your turn at parenting, this is my turn!"

I like your answer to the crisps example but remember in the real world they will be told no.
Part of parenting is teaching them sometimes they can't get/do/say something.

I remember well and NO is a very important part of it. They need boundaries for their safety. And by using NO only for that you can literally save their life.

The idea that they will hear no from a childcare professional first is jarring at best.