MIL says I molly coddle my DC

[Stephanieava]

I think I just need a rant more than anything

The in-laws live abroad in Spain. Make little effort, a facetime call every 2-3 weeks or so

But on the last call my MIL had the cheek to say she thinks we molly coddle our DC (turned 2 in July). They started to have a tantrum on the call (edited by MNHQ) & i took a minute to correct them ‘I know you want some crisps right now darling, you can absolutely have some after dinner not a problem. Would you like them in a bowl or on a plate?!’ - you know that sort of redirection. Works an absolute charm everytime

Well MIL was just like ‘oh my god just say NO!!’

And then text my husband after the call to say we need to be firmer. She makes these kinds of comments on almost every call & it annoys me when I think… they abandoned my husband at 16 to move away to a council house hours away. Left him sofa surfing for 11 months. Now they’ve gone to live in spain cause it’s cheaper. Which of course they’re entitled to do

The thing is, our son wouldn’t know her if she passed him in the street. She has absolutely no idea what he is like

He is the kindest, sweetest, clever little boy. Who of course has the occasional melt down but we deal with it in the way we see fit

My mum also comments sometimes on the way we parent, thinks we’re a bit namby pamby so she says, but he is honestly an absolute dream. Knows he’s loved & feels safe. Something me & my husband both said we felt lacked from our own upbringings

Actually don’t know what the point of this is tbh haha but just felt like i needed a rant!

i’m a millennial (born 89) and just feel the older generations (not all, some are absolutely amazing) really judge us on the way we’re trying to do things now

generational parent changes are real and I think because ‘we’ are changes behaviours in parenting it seems gentle but in face we are raising a generation that won’t be as damaged as us 🤷🏻‍♀️

Are you seriously trying to equate a child knowing the word NO as damaging? Because that isn't a fact and is seriously concerning for anyone protecting a child.

Child protection teaching would be a nightmare. Consent wouldn't be able to be taught either as the word NO wouldn't be there.

I give none of th monkeys what people do with their children, until it can have unforeseen consequences.

You may be tone deaf or unable to read the full thread. But can you please check your language . Plenty of us Irish are tired of educating your ignorance. Do better.

I think she definitely had a point with your ds - a 2 yo shouldn’t get crisps or sweets / chocolates at all and certainly not after dinner. You don’t even have to be a good parent to know this. But, having said that, if DH doesn’t get on with her it shouldn’t be on you to faciliate contact with your dc. Keep calls short, have them on your terms (so no calls after dinner/during the bedtime routine).

As an Irish person I’m not offended by your use of Language.
I would be offended if you called me a stupid Paddy, but not by the language you used.
i feel that people are being overly harsh to you on this thread.
Your MIL sounds annoying 😂 and your child sounds like a perfectly emotionally healthy 2 year old. Crisps rule!!

I agree. Very interesting that all your anger is directed at the MIL but not your own mum. Also the use of the word paddy and "turd" to describe your son.

Re-direction is a great way to take kids attention off things they can't have. Means you're using the word no a bit less so it has more meaning when it actually counts. Also, I don't understand how using the word "paddy" is racist??

And as an Irish person, I find it offensive given its racist origins.

However, the op has taken on board that many Irish people found the language offensive and is planning on using other terminology in future, so all good.

Paddy is racist as it uses a pejorative term for an Irish man to describe a negative behaviour. "And then he threw a paddy" means "and then he started behaving all Irish".

My jaw literally dropped when I first read it on here many years ago. I understand many people don't realise the offensiveness of the term but it does continually surprise me how many people don't accept it once it's pointed out.

I genuinely didn't know that. It's always been used as an alternative word for tantrum and I assumed it meant the same. I don't think anyone in my whole town knows that either!

Sorry but I'm Irish and the word paddy really doesn't bother me.
And none of my Irish friends and family find it offensive either 🤷‍♀️
In fact we all use it and only through reading this thread have I found out that a minority of Irish people think it's offensive.

I've never heard an Irish person use paddy for tantrum. For an Irish person yes, but not for a behaviour.

Same.

We all use it to mean tantrum.

@Millenialmumoftwo

children are not damaged from hearing the word no though. It’s an essential part of parenting.

Whereabouts in Ireland?

Honestly, if I hear you say the whole “ crisps later, on a plate /bowl” thing to a 2 yo I would certainly be thinking “just say no”. I might be tempted to voice my thoughts on how I think you need to be firmer if I often see you behave like that… and if you were my daughter I probably would say you need to be firmer. So I’m with your mum and MIL on this one. But I think the main issue here for you is that you don’t approve of MIL’s choices in the past and as a result don’t any to hear her opinions (maybe lack some respect for her??) and that’s why her remarks are getting at you. Because your mum says the same but that doesn’t seem to irritate you in the same way, you just let that slide off you.

Well I am Irish in Ireland and nobody uses it here because it is offensive.

So please stop using an offensive word or are you that ignorant? Do you really have to be continually told. I am sure your Irish friends are just not wishing to show up your ignorance. Because literally noone in my life has used that word in Ireland. So please don't be ignorant.

All those people who are saying FFS just say no are missing what a lovely bit of parenting this was. This is what OP son could learn from this interaction

1. Mum keeps her promises (she said I could have crisps and she hasn’t taken that back)
2. Delayed gratification (A small child who can calm down and wait for a later treat is learning a useful skill)
3. Boundaries (I want the crisps now but I can’t have them because mum says not. Making a fuss didn’t get me the crisps now.)
4. A sense of agency and having a choice (giving small people choices within what is acceptable for you Is good management and kind. Small children have very little power in their lives)

So, OP, just remind yourself of all that when your MIL is being annoying 😀

UPDATE

I’m not feeling as sensitive today, so feel I can address some of the comments made from a less emotional and more logical state

The whole ‘plate vs bowl’ comment was to divert his mind and attention away from his demand and to get him thinking about something else. It worked and works 99% of the time in similar situations. As a result I have a very well rounded, amazing child who has never in his whole 2.5 years of being on this planet, had a melt down that we have not been able to calm him down from in less than a couple of minutes max

I’m extremely proud of my parenting, and him as a child. He is truly amazing. He feels heard whilst we, as parents, get the results we want whilst avoiding a massive melt down the majority of the time

Crisps as a snack after dinner or tea, if you’re having a go about that…. seriously? He eats like a trooper at meal times. Which includes (mostly) homemade well rounded meals with fruit and veg at every sitting. If he wants a bag of child specific crisps (ellas kitchen) every now and again as a snack after his meal, he can have some. No this isn’t after every meal, but on that particular day he had asked earlier and I said yes after dinner. No skin off my nose. Show me an adult that doesn’t occasionally like another snack after their meal, I know I certainly do!

No my annoyance isn’t solely at my MIL. I just don’t feel it is my place to start a back and forth with my MIL about inappropriate comments she makes. That is my DH role. Hence why I came to mumsnet on a whim to have a bit of a moan, as I also don’t like to complain or speak badly about my PILs to my DH, that’s not fair

Similarly it is my role with my parents. I tell my own Mum outright if she makes comments that they are hurtful and not asked for. She sometimes thinks the same as MIL about how we parent, but my childhood is something I don’t want to emulate so if she thinks I’m too soft sometimes, then so be it. She also looks after DC once a week so does see how our approach is working in real time and has also acknowledged this, MIL however hasn’t.

To the person who made a comment about me calling my child a ‘turd’ - get a grip. As if I’d ever say it to him. Show me an emotionally on edge parent who hasn’t thought their child is sometimes a bit of a ‘turd’ every now and again

@NavyBee this this and this!!! THANK YOU! I was far too drained to even reply to people bashing me the past couple of days but my god you have hit the nail on the head. Thank you! X

I have never heard an Irish person use paddy for tantrum in 60 years in Ireland.

You are doing a great job OP

Stopped reading as soon as it became racist. Typical English being derogatory of the Irish.