MIL says I molly coddle my DC

[Stephanieava]

I think I just need a rant more than anything

The in-laws live abroad in Spain. Make little effort, a facetime call every 2-3 weeks or so

But on the last call my MIL had the cheek to say she thinks we molly coddle our DC (turned 2 in July). They started to have a tantrum on the call (edited by MNHQ) & i took a minute to correct them ‘I know you want some crisps right now darling, you can absolutely have some after dinner not a problem. Would you like them in a bowl or on a plate?!’ - you know that sort of redirection. Works an absolute charm everytime

Well MIL was just like ‘oh my god just say NO!!’

And then text my husband after the call to say we need to be firmer. She makes these kinds of comments on almost every call & it annoys me when I think… they abandoned my husband at 16 to move away to a council house hours away. Left him sofa surfing for 11 months. Now they’ve gone to live in spain cause it’s cheaper. Which of course they’re entitled to do

The thing is, our son wouldn’t know her if she passed him in the street. She has absolutely no idea what he is like

He is the kindest, sweetest, clever little boy. Who of course has the occasional melt down but we deal with it in the way we see fit

My mum also comments sometimes on the way we parent, thinks we’re a bit namby pamby so she says, but he is honestly an absolute dream. Knows he’s loved & feels safe. Something me & my husband both said we felt lacked from our own upbringings

Actually don’t know what the point of this is tbh haha but just felt like i needed a rant!

i’m a millennial (born 89) and just feel the older generations (not all, some are absolutely amazing) really judge us on the way we’re trying to do things now

Of course i’m not going to ignore my MIL calls, I never said that. I’m just an overwhelmed parent (who is also currently pregnant & emotional in my 3rd trimester) & wanted a bit of a rant

I'm from Yorkshire too and lots of people say 'he's in a right paddy,' meaning he's having a tantrum. No-one I know would call this a racist term. It isn't meant to be anything other than a tantrum.

So use the word tantrum then because the word paddy is racist... simple!

Ask yourself where the word Paddy comes from and who it was used to describe.

Are you there yet?

Oh my, that actually made me laugh 😂’HOW MANY PRESENTS ARE THERE!!’ Haha

Honestly I will say the pressure of social media & the constant ‘how to’ videos of how to parent have definitely influenced how I have parented him over the past 12 months or so

I was told no ALL THE TIME when I was younger & without going into too much detail, the vibe at home wasn’t very warm or friendly shall I say. I always felt on edge & have grown into a very anxious adult

So I suppose I’m just trying to right some wrongs in making sure my son feels heard & loved when the things he’s asking for really aren’t a big deal if you know what I mean

Argh I don’t know

Just because you wouldn't call paddy a racist term doesn't mean it isn't one. Paddy as shorthand for an Irish person is too embedded into British terminology for you to really expect others to believe you don't know it's origins and the implied offence.

I had no idea the wordy paddy was offensive. I hear it all the time where I am.

Wow that’s an opinion no one asked for…..that’s my go to line!

I honestly have never even thought about it - most likely down to my own privelage. It used to get said to me all the time as a child & I still hear it all the time

Thankfully I now know different I can correct myself / others when needed

PADDY definition: 1. a very angry state: 2. an offensive word for an Irish person 3. a very angry state: .
From the Cambridge dictionary.
More than one meaning.

Op I try not to say no as well but I do think asking how they want the crisps presented is a bit molly coddling. I understand that if you’ve promised someone can have something you need to follow through, but I think I would firmly close the conversation with ‘I have said you can have them after dinner’. I probably wouldn’t give them crisps after dinner either so wouldn’t have made that promise.

LOL

I judge your disgusting use of the phrase 'a paddy' . As a so called millennial you may want to drop the outdated slur on Irish people!

In fairness OP has taken it on board.

No but..... the origin of using the word paddy to mean a very angry state came from an insult that was used to describe Irish people. They aren't two separate definitions, they are interlinked, it's racist!

We have a very loving home and say the word no all the time. It's not an unloving word in and of itself. I think it's pretty loving to raise DC who are used to hearing it and accepting it tbh.

With the crisps example, I would've said "Not today love"/"Not til after dinner"/"Maybe later" depending on the plans for that day. Totally hear you on the usefulness of distraction re choosing the plate but I wouldn't bother so far in advance.

If the whining continued, it would've been a stern no, they need to learn to accept the first answer. (That one takes a while!)

Why do you think an offensive word for an Irish person is used to describe an angry state? Do you think that's a coincidence?

You are a good mum, don't lette opinion of your MIL change the ay you parent your child.

You know your child more than they do and you know thier needs.

I also have always used the term 'paddy' and never realised it was racist - I use the term all the time!! I've said it to my kids teachers

I've heard it used to describe Irish people, as in Paddy Power and St Paddy's day, but I would never have thought they would be allowed to use an offensive word. I thought it was just the shortening of the name Patrick.

I actually just assumed there were two meanings of the same word - one being a shortening of the name Patrick and one being angry and sort of padding the floor with hands and fists. Never occurred to me that a) it was racist and b) that they were the same thing!

Separate to mother in law I would address this behaviour and reaction before it worse, it's easy to say you know your child but that does not prevent issues now or in the future

And so you should! I had absolutely no idea the word was considered offensive & racist, I know better moving forward

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy

lol give over!

Good advice thank you.

No of course it’s not, I get that & I absolutely do say it to him of course. I wasn’t just told no, but things were witheld from me - food for example. Perhaps why this particular comment from MIL has been so triggering!

I went several nights a week without tea because my Mum was at work & my Dad couldn’t be bothered. Though we have worked through our past family issues, I still remember always feeling sad & like a burden

So as I said, I suppose I’m trying to right some wrongs but when he needs a firm telling (in my opinion) he gets one. Me & my DH just choose to pick our battles & our household with our son is mostly harmonious because of it

The dictionary doesn’t indicate that to be the case.
Can you provide a source?

Yeah. Back in the 80's nobody thought calling the corner shop the Pk shop was racist either. They were only using it to describe the type of shop.

But guess what, we know better now. Doing a paddy should have gone the same way as it too is an offensive and racist term.