MIL says I molly coddle my DC

[Stephanieava]

I think I just need a rant more than anything

The in-laws live abroad in Spain. Make little effort, a facetime call every 2-3 weeks or so

But on the last call my MIL had the cheek to say she thinks we molly coddle our DC (turned 2 in July). They started to have a tantrum on the call (edited by MNHQ) & i took a minute to correct them ‘I know you want some crisps right now darling, you can absolutely have some after dinner not a problem. Would you like them in a bowl or on a plate?!’ - you know that sort of redirection. Works an absolute charm everytime

Well MIL was just like ‘oh my god just say NO!!’

And then text my husband after the call to say we need to be firmer. She makes these kinds of comments on almost every call & it annoys me when I think… they abandoned my husband at 16 to move away to a council house hours away. Left him sofa surfing for 11 months. Now they’ve gone to live in spain cause it’s cheaper. Which of course they’re entitled to do

The thing is, our son wouldn’t know her if she passed him in the street. She has absolutely no idea what he is like

He is the kindest, sweetest, clever little boy. Who of course has the occasional melt down but we deal with it in the way we see fit

My mum also comments sometimes on the way we parent, thinks we’re a bit namby pamby so she says, but he is honestly an absolute dream. Knows he’s loved & feels safe. Something me & my husband both said we felt lacked from our own upbringings

Actually don’t know what the point of this is tbh haha but just felt like i needed a rant!

i’m a millennial (born 89) and just feel the older generations (not all, some are absolutely amazing) really judge us on the way we’re trying to do things now

The thing is MIL has no idea about your parenting as she's not spent much time with your child. He might be delightful, he might be a terror but how does she know?

Also she doesn't know the context. If you already said he could have some crisps at some point and you are keeping your word that's fine.

Children need to be told no and it means no but you shouldn't just say no to everything for the sake of it. I am a very relaxed parent and I'm sure people judge me a bit for it but when I do say no I mean no. I just pick my battles. That's what OP also said. The crisps had already been agreed. Maybe some people wouldn't give their kids crisps after a meal but really that's up to them. People have all different kinds of rules around food. It doesn't mean her child has no boundaries.

So what? Parenting styles have changed. Nowadays we actually love our children.

They started to mildly paddy

Say what?

It’s more the faffy oh darling yes let me lay out the crisps for you in whatever format you desire that I find quite irritating 🤣

If it was, more ‘yes if you eat your dinner and you’re still hungry can have a snack later’ I’d be less bothered.

I would wonder if both your own mother and your MIL think you are a pushover. If I heard you saying that to the child whilst on the phone to me, I would roll
my eyes too.

Is that much different than having a dessert/biscuit/cake after eating your meal?

What constitute a snack or ‘food’ is a very artificial list. Seeing that crisps are a regular part of many people lunch, I can’t see where your problem is.

Just ignore them if you never see them anyway.

But this:

I know you want some crisps right now darling, you can absolutely have some after dinner not a problem. Would you like them in a bowl or on a plate?

This way of talking to children makes me cringe myself inside out.

Comments like this always make me laugh. Obviously the in-laws parenting couldn't have been that bad if the OP got together with her MILs son.

I would not accept a phone call at that time of day because my kids were just bonkers.

What an absolutely ridiculous comment, I'm embarrassed for you, I presume you're joking. Dear god, do you seriously think that no one ever loved their children in the history of humanity until now!
It's perfectly possible to say a straight no to a child or forbid them from doing things, and still love them.

I have to admit, your reply to your child made me roll my eyes and think you are one of those parents.

Not your MIL’s place to say anything, though, I agree. However, if your own mum also makes similar comments, it might be worth stepping back a second and just having a think about whether your communication style is going to cause problems for your little one when he starts school. Not everything can be a nice negotiation with no ‘no’ words.

I had no idea paddy was a racist term.

I honestly thought throwing a paddy meant paddling - like when you paddle swimming.....omg....I thought 'throwing a paddy' meant a child having a tantrum where they are kicking and hitting but out of the water....like paddling the floor in anger.

Shit.

I say it ALL the time.....

Unlike the op who hasn't addressed their use of that racist term, it sounds like you're willing to learn and avoid using it in the future.

I am highly amused by what you thought it meant though 😀

Im also a millennial and I would have massively rolled my eyes at you and think you’re a bit of a pleb tbh.

Next time dh facilitates calls and you are too busy.. Every time.

Just ignore them. I’m 20 years older than you and people used to say exactly the same to us. My children grew up to be really kind and thoughtful adults who I’m proud of every day.

What’s being a millennial got to do with it? Poor parenting is poor parenting, and that’s the end of it!

Let your husband Facetime his parents while you go off and do your own thing. Then you can live in blissful ignorance of their opinions.

The bowl or plate comment was a bit OTT. You do have to actually show your child that you're their parent not their friend.
Your MIL should keep her beak out

Also FYI using the term paddy to describe anything is actually racist.

Sooo MIL passes comment on your parenting - you are being told to ignore her calls. Just wondering what you plan to do with your own mother, who has also commented on your parenting??? Are you going to ignore her calls too?

Please do excuse my ignorance, I really would like to be educated. In what aspect is paddy offensive? Genuinely have no intent to offend, we use it as another word for a child having a tantrum (I’m in Yorkshire UK)

I get annoyed by my Mum on a regular basis & i have no qualms in voicing to her when she’s said something I don’t like - & vice versa!

The difference is I wouldn’t (& don’t) voice my annoyance with my MIL as 1) i think that’s my Husbands job & 2) it’s not worth it as we don’t see them often & I really don’t want to sour the relationship. I just wanted to have a moan to strangers that’s all

So were you basically saying "Yes, in a bit" but in a really long and drawn out manner? It does sound a bit much, especially if your child was being rude and interrupting. I'd argue that he was doing the redirecting, and quite successfully!

I have to admit, your reply to your child made me roll my eyes and think you are one of those parents

Absolutely this.

The way you speak to your child gives me strong Mrs Dursley and Dudley vibes op.

Thank God this present generation of parents is here to show every other generation who ever lived how it's done. Clearly they were uniformly monsters who hated their children. 🙄

I honestly had absolutely NO idea that paddy is a racist term, i am totally mortified! I’ve only ever heard it used as another word to describe a child having a tantrum

Massive apologies to anybody I offended with that comment & thank you for the information. It shall be immediately scratched from my vocabulary