Our new baby is left out

[Baby2023]

Hello

we have a 4 month old boy together and he has twins who are 3 from a past relationship. We are saving to moving in with each other. When he has his kids at the weekends he then at his. However our little boy is left out when they do stuff at the weekend. For example they are going swimming tommrow with nanny and they haven’t invited me and my son to go along with them. He would never think about leaving one of the twins and only taking one of them but is fine about leaving our little boy out. I am really cross and feel this is very unfair to our boy. Am I over reacting about him being left out. Yes I know he is only 4 Months but he hates being away from his dad and as he grows up he will see he is being left out

Oh behave OP he is 4 months old and you are clearly projecting.

You say your baby hates being away from his Dad. Do you think the 3 year old twins might also need some exclusive Dad time? Your baby will have to share Dad's time and resources. Good for him for setting aside time to focus on his elder children.

my older two don’t get time with me on their own. Cause I always have the baby. Don’t see how your comment is very fair

Your older children are not your boyfriend's responsibility.

No but my baby is and he should be having him so I can spend time with them. If he is allowed one to one time with them by leaving me alone to have the baby he should be taking the baby somtimes so I can have time with my two

What this ultimately comes down to is that you chose to have a baby with a man you don’t live with. So that made him a part time parent from the outset. Why don’t you live together?

From his perspective this sounds like a casual relationship, from the twins’ perspective they probably just see you as Daddy’s girlfriend, and as the baby doesn’t live with their dad they have no reason to see him as a sibling.

It’s time to start thinking about where this relationship is heading IMO. If you’re committed to each other then you need to be looking at moving in together, or split up.

The baby is four months old and definitely doesn’t hate being away from his dad because he barely knows him. but it’s obvious that you hate your partner being away from his baby because he clearly has little interest in him.

I'm just really sad he doesn't pay for your son. That means all your money is stretched thin between your 3 children. And your other little one is only 3. I would try and do some long term financial planning, assume he's not involved in anything - and don't give him a penny. Don't feed him, don't let him come round yours at 8pm after work, put on a wash, use the hot water, have dinner. Please sort out your priorities as you and your children need all your resources.

Only one gets pregnant. And only one gets to carry the baby. And only one can make sure it is not them gets pregnant. Particularly when they are bringing up two children alone.

Should a mother with two children, who is a sole parent, who think it wise to have a baby with a man who has two children with another woman. Who he left when those children were two. And whom he blames the first woman fir getting pregnant two months after they met.

This God of a man is paying 24 pounds per week for each of his two children with one woman. And gifting the second mother a packet of nappies. Twice.

He’s paying rent for a place of his own. Is using the OP for a bed, food, utilities, laundry and sex Mon to Thur. with no parenting.

“Sees” the ex one night a week, ummm, and stays away from his second woman at the weekends when he’s actually got no work.

The two to tango is clearly the problem.

@Cailin66 I meant they both had sex. Saying "you got pregnant" gives the impression they are laying most of the blame on her.

i think a lot are being harsh on the op. We all make poor decisions in life, to be fair, she probably after just got out of an abusive relationship was fed a load of shit from this bloke about how he wanted to be a family blah blah and she went with it thinking it would happen. Now she loves him and has a baby with him so it’s complicated.

op, he doesn’t want to be a family with you, he shouldn’t have led you on but you don’t need to put up with this crap. End it with him, and claim cms. He’s a loser.

ive actually been in this situation. Very very similar… so close it’s scary actually this could have been me posting years ago.

my dp did actually eventually move in with me, and made all the effort to be a blended family, he’s now the best partner and best dad to all of our kids, honestly he did step up, but only after he knew he was going to lose me otherwise. It’s been years now and we’re really happy. So maybe worth you trying to give him an ultimatum, but either way don’t continue to live like this you and your kids are worth more.

Yes, @Baby2023, yes, he should be contributing to the care of your baby. A decent man would be. But this is not by any stretch a good man. Which was obvious from the outset.

Obviously

What’s morally right, I wonder? Genuine question. You got pregnant by accident, and he was totally clear that he didn’t want this baby and didn’t plan to help - you posted on here when pregnant that you knew you were going to be a single parent.

So, any man who has sex risks a baby, as he knows it’s not his choice to terminate, even if he’d prefer that. Every man knows contraception can fail, and he turned down his choice to double up. So if you take the risk, you take the consequences. But what morally should his consequences be? Financial, absolutely. But how much time? Is he morally compelled to take the baby he doesn’t want along on his swimming trip - when that baby won’t know they’re left out? Does he have any moral obligation to give you a break to have time with your two? They’re not his, and he didn’t want this one.

Don’t get me wrong - he’s an arsehole. He’s taking boyfriend benefits from you, and giving you less back than I gave women I barely knew, from baby group. Meaning, a bit of baby sitting for free to help out.

But morally, I’m more outraged that he’ll take sex and meals from you without helping you out, than I am that he won’t help with a baby he said he didn’t want.

And that then comes back to your choices… you let him swan in for a shag and a free meal, but expect nothing back from him.

Get rid, get the CMS claim in, and embrace being a single parent.

No but my baby is and he should be having him so I can spend time with them. If he is allowed one to one time with them by leaving me alone to have the baby he should be taking the baby somtimes so I can have time with my two

He should but he is not going to. Would you even trust him to take the baby if he has his two preschoolers to watch as well.

Did you plan this with him? He said he wanted this baby?

What a horrible and pointless comment 🙄

I must be missing info on this thread, but OP said he was with the twins mum till they were 2. Her baby was conceived 13 mths ago. So the twins were 2 when the baby was conceived.

Someone has just put that OP knew him for a year before getting pregnant... Which puts the twins at one, or less, and he was still with the twins mum. So she was an OW for a year.

Twins mum found out about the affair and baby, and booted him then.

There was never any cheating. They broke up beofre they were 2 in may 2021 and then we met in September

He wants one on one time with his biological twins away from his biological young baby - this is because their needs are so different and he doesn’t live with the twins EVER during the week.

He has no obligation to take his biological baby out alone so his part time !!!!!!! girlfriend can look after her children. Come on @Baby2023 You are not a family. He’s a complete and utter arsehole.

Leave him, claim through CMS and go live a much happier life.

I’m not in the UK but surely this can’t be right?

Two adults per child, @Xenia ? So a couple with two children would need to bring two additional adults to the pool?

No meet in 2021 beofre they were two

This. It’s harsh but both posters have it right.

Given the timeline, you would have been either the OW or a rebound, either way he probably wasn’t thrilled about the pregnancy. Two years into a relationship, cautious parents might have only just started to introduce their partners to their children. Even if your older children like their sibling, there is no way this hasn’t affected them, so try and focus on your dc and not the man.

Ultimately with 3 young children to juggle, he’s not making the wrong decision by prioritising his twins while their mother works. He’s not being unreasonable to have time with them separately from you and the baby. I agree with pp who say this man has no intentions to blend families and take on two additional children. I think you’ll find once the baby is older the baby will be included more. Without you. He put himself in this position, but he could well be resentful towards you. Especially if you start to question his time with his eldest.

I don’t see a way in which you get the family you want. Even if we’re wrong, he doesn’t contribute. So if he moves in you’ll be worse off. His salary will impact your student finance.

If they almost 4 do they start school in September. If so that may change access arrangements.

When your eldest was 5 and your youngest was 1.

Did he move in with you?