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Our new baby is left out

403 replies

Baby2023 · 14/07/2023 20:39

Hello

we have a 4 month old boy together and he has twins who are 3 from a past relationship. We are saving to moving in with each other. When he has his kids at the weekends he then at his. However our little boy is left out when they do stuff at the weekend. For example they are going swimming tommrow with nanny and they haven’t invited me and my son to go along with them. He would never think about leaving one of the twins and only taking one of them but is fine about leaving our little boy out. I am really cross and feel this is very unfair to our boy. Am I over reacting about him being left out. Yes I know he is only 4 Months but he hates being away from his dad and as he grows up he will see he is being left out

OP posts:
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LooseInTheCity · 15/07/2023 08:16

It sounds a messy situation.

You have older children from an abusive relationship with no help from their Dad.
He has very young twins with his ex.
You obviously had quite a quick turnaround after he split from his ex to getting together and having a baby.
You don’t live together and aren’t married.

It sounds like you want a proper family set up with a devoted husband and father. But that’s unlikely to happen in the situation outlined above, as there are too many other children involved on both sides l, he is involved with his other kids whereas you don’t have support for your other kids, and you don’t even live together.

I feel for you that you’re basically parenting alone, but what did you realistically think was going to happen?
You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache if you get realistic about the situation you’re in. He’s not going to be the full time Dad and partner you wanted, and that was pretty obvious from the outset.

SnowdaySewday · 15/07/2023 08:19

Are you sure that you’re not the OW and the twins' mum isn’t thinking that he is working nights at the factory?

hot2trotter · 15/07/2023 08:21

I think you've made a big mistake having a baby to a bloke with 3 year old twins from a previous relationship, if I'm honest.
You better get used to doing it alone as that's the way it seems to be headed.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

DarkDarkNight · 15/07/2023 08:22

Baby2023 · 14/07/2023 21:31

He buys the odd pack of nappies and wipes for my son and then gives his ex £209 a month for this kids. Yes I have two other kids however they don’t see their dad so they are just my responsibility. Baby does not have a room at his house

He is only paying £209 a month towards twins?! What made you think he would be contributing a decent amount to your baby?

Honestly it sounds like a mess. He needs to spend time with his twins, which you have known all along. How old are your other children? If they don’t see their own dad did you want them to go swimming too? Lots of people in relationships pass like ships in the night due to work. You chose to bring a baby in to this.

ThroughGraceAlone · 15/07/2023 08:25

Baby2023 · 14/07/2023 21:24

He has a responsibility to my baby as well.

Yeah, he does, but he only has so many hours in the day. From the twins side, they also want to see their daddy without him always holding a baby. Realistically, if he were to take 4 month old with, he'd get the most attention. Babies always do. That's normal. The real issue here is that you are feeling neglect from your partner. Surely you should know a 4 month old swimming is really not all that fun. And from your post you'd probably have pushed dad to hold the baby in the pool etc and basically not holding the twins. You guys will have to come to a conclusion about when and where you guys spend time together as a family, but it's a sad situation. The twins are going to grow up with less of their dad and so are your child. And seems like you would want the split 80-20. From the twins moms perspective he's spending 4 days a week with new baby and then on weekends when he's supposed to have the twins, he takes new baby along. He's probably got pressure from that side as well. I feel sorry for him. (although his choice in partners are questionable and his hurry to impregnate them are entirely his won fault.)

LimePi · 15/07/2023 08:25

contrary13 · 15/07/2023 06:11

With the best will in the world, OP, you sound very young and perhaps with a rose-tinted specs view of how your relationship with your child's father ought to be. You are also probably still quite hormonal from pregnancy, birth and the whole PFB syndrome that sends us all a bit crazy until we learn to play nicely with the wider world...

Having said that, though... my GOD, but you need to get a fucking grip! Your baby is not his father's precious first born. That would be one of those 3 year old twins you resent him spending quality time with. Why? Because they don't miss out, because they have their Mum...? Well, guess what: your baby has you. And at 4 months old, believe me, he couldn't give two hoots about whether his father is with him or being drowned in the hell of a splash pool with his older siblings! All your son wants/needs right now, is a mother who behaves like one, rather than a jealous schoolgirl.

I can see/understand both sides to this. My own son was just a year or so older than those twins when his father left for another woman with their newborn baby. He hasn't seen his father alone in 16 years now (he's 18), because the OW was younger, extremely jealous of my ex's time and insisted that she and the baby had to be included in every activity that was planned during the 18 hours a month that my ex would agree to have our son. Even when they weren't suitable. It didn't make any of them remotely happy, my child has a fractured relationship with his father - which my ex now bitterly regrets, but it's too little, too late - and my son might love his two younger siblings (15 and 12) but he has little to no relationship with them. All he wanted was for his Dad to value him enough to take him swimming without his stepmother, small children who demanded all of my ex's attention and for his father to teach him how to do things. My ex lived with the OW and their kids, so it wasn't like it was two access visits combined. My son has missed out because his father is nothing like your son's Dad. Your boyfriend is actually being a decent parent by valuing all of his children. Maybe you ought to be encouraging that because, sadly, I suspect that in a year or so, your son will be the subject of another Baby Mama's lament about their child being the one "left out". Partly because your jealous insecurity will drive your boyfriend away.

On the other side, my 27 year old daughter's partner has a 4 year old from a previous relationship - and she's having to learn to deal with the fact that he is a decent, involved father who is fighting her over "being allowed" (by her) to spend time with his child in the home that they share. She resents that any child they might have together will not be a shared "precious first" - because her partner's been there; done that already... even though she watched her own little brother endure a neglectful father (so did she, but she was older). I've lost count of the times I've had to point out to her that her stepchild is 4 years old and is worth having a father who loves them enough to want to put them first... even over her jealous insecurities. I applaud my future son-in-law for that, but I also can recognise the wedge that she is starting to drive between them.

My ex isn't happy, my son is very resentful, and my daughter's headed the same way, sadly (except her partner will choose his child over her, because he's an excellent father!). Don't turn that into your future - if only for the sake of your baby and his older siblings. But above all, let go of the jealousy. It's not a good look, not even on an anonymous forum...

I think you need to read a bit more about this man before calling him an excellent father. Swimming aside, he’s not being a father at all to his 4month year old baby, although it is also his child.

ThroughGraceAlone · 15/07/2023 08:28

PollyPut · 15/07/2023 07:01

@Baby2023 thinking about the swimming: has your baby been swimming before? Taking a 4 month old swimming is a challenge - they should have had all their vaccinations (2, 3 and 4 month vaccinations - last time I checked) and they should have healed up. Has your baby had all of those?

Then there is the challenge of making sure baby is awake at the right time for the swim, and fed, and doesn't need their nappy changed - there is a very small time window for this. Add on top of that making sure the twin 3 year olds have eaten as well, so they have enough energy for this.

Then - taking three children age three and under in the pool (and changing them all, making sure none run and slip on the side, none drown and all have clean nappies or can be taken to the toilet as needed) is really hard work.

I wouldn't let three children 3 and under go with only two adults, so if the baby has had all their vaccinations and they've healed then you should really have all three adults with the three children when they are so small.

Don't forget OP has 2 older children as well, who'll also have to come along since their dad is not in their life. No wonder dad didn't want OP to come along too. He needs quality time with his twins too OP!

Totaly · 15/07/2023 08:31

who'll also have to come along since their dad is not in their life

No they are with their dads mother

Scottishgirl85 · 15/07/2023 08:31

This is not a relationship, and not a family, for many reasons. OP you're going to need to accept that this will not last, and you'll be a single mother of 3. At only 25, that is really very sad for all involved. Good luck.

DarkDarkNight · 15/07/2023 08:33

Totaly · 15/07/2023 08:05

you should really have all three adults with the three children when they are so small

Yes that was the plan if you just read the OP posts

Dad, Gran, OP, twins and baby -

And possibly the OPs other 2 children (someone on the thread said they are 3 and 7). Three 3 year olds, a 7 year old and a baby between 3 adults is hard to juggle, it might not even be allowed.

wishingitwasfriday · 15/07/2023 08:35

Baby2023 · 14/07/2023 21:04

No i don’t worry about the twins being left out cause they are with their mum during the week. They have seen this baby three times since he has been born

And your baby will be with you whilst he is swimming with the twins. Same situation.

TiredCatLady · 15/07/2023 08:35

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Helpsos12 · 15/07/2023 08:35

Scottishgirl85 · 15/07/2023 08:31

This is not a relationship, and not a family, for many reasons. OP you're going to need to accept that this will not last, and you'll be a single mother of 3. At only 25, that is really very sad for all involved. Good luck.

This . I’m a single mum too op and was left when I was pregnant . Lots of single mums out there . Will be such a relief when you ditch this man as a partner and work on making your and your childrens lives better. I was always playing the pick me game with my ex ( he has two other kids ). It’s something I could never ever win .

PrimalOwl10 · 15/07/2023 08:36

DisquietintheRanks 2 days a week out of 7 isn't parenting. Then to go on and have another baby with someone else he doesn't live with and doesn't see regularly says alot about him as a father.

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 15/07/2023 08:36

SnowdaySewday · 15/07/2023 08:19

Are you sure that you’re not the OW and the twins' mum isn’t thinking that he is working nights at the factory?

This was literally my first thought.

Helpsos12 · 15/07/2023 08:38

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Oh do bore off, talk about sanctimonious . I expect you are perfect ?

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 15/07/2023 08:41

The really worrying thing, is that OP doesn't see this utter shit show. She's trying to convince herself she's his partner and her only concern is not going swimming!!

Jesus Christ. That's the last thing you need to be thinking about. Get your head out of the sand and look at this mess.

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 15/07/2023 08:42

Helpsos12 · 15/07/2023 08:38

Oh do bore off, talk about sanctimonious . I expect you are perfect ?

I think that's pretty factual. Not sanctimonious.

Do you need to be "perfect" to be able to observe the absolute mess OP has created for her children?

LovelyIssues · 15/07/2023 08:43

He's 4 months old. Get a grip. Meet them after swimming for lunch.

Helpsos12 · 15/07/2023 08:44

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 15/07/2023 08:41

The really worrying thing, is that OP doesn't see this utter shit show. She's trying to convince herself she's his partner and her only concern is not going swimming!!

Jesus Christ. That's the last thing you need to be thinking about. Get your head out of the sand and look at this mess.

It takes a while to catch on . She’s got a 4 month old . You hope things work out. This will end in tears . It’s best to end now. I was in a similar situation , I have no contact with my ex now . Best for all around . He sees my child the pitiful amount he is ‘able to ‘. I get no support from him.

Focus on you Op and end the relationship . It will be hard but you need to get strong .

Helpsos12 · 15/07/2023 08:46

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 15/07/2023 08:42

I think that's pretty factual. Not sanctimonious.

Do you need to be "perfect" to be able to observe the absolute mess OP has created for her children?

Is it acceptable to call the Op a special kind of stupid ? Sounds pretty sanctimonious to me. People can make mistakes , we don’t have to compound their pain . Not helpful at all . I expect the poster was wagging their finger too .

nobodysdaughternow · 15/07/2023 08:46

That swim ratio wouldn't work because you have other kids.

Take a breather from reproducing op and take a look at your relationship. He doesn't live with you, he already has a family to support and I expect, can't afford another.

Helpsos12 · 15/07/2023 08:48

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 15/07/2023 08:42

I think that's pretty factual. Not sanctimonious.

Do you need to be "perfect" to be able to observe the absolute mess OP has created for her children?

Also there’s women who get left by men and have 3/4 kids . The man cheats etc . Still a shit show but we are able to feel sorry for these women . Their husband may have shown red flags but they still went ahead and married them . Stop the pile on of OP. She needs to move forward now, no more kids , no more arsehole men .

SamPoodle123 · 15/07/2023 08:54

You do realise this is completely normal when having more then one kid right? Parents do not always bring all of their dc to every event for fear of leaving one out. Especially when one is a baby and it involves a pool. Your husband would not be able to safely look after 3 young children in the pool. I would not want my dh to take the baby swimming with two other young children.

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 15/07/2023 09:05

Helpsos12 · 15/07/2023 08:46

Is it acceptable to call the Op a special kind of stupid ? Sounds pretty sanctimonious to me. People can make mistakes , we don’t have to compound their pain . Not helpful at all . I expect the poster was wagging their finger too .

There's mistakes. And then there's mistakes.

I think no one feels sorry for OP because she's jealous of 3yo twins, doesn't seem to care that her other two children aren't present, just wants to force a swimming session with "her man"... Who she can't even see, isn't. She's completely inventing the position she thinks she's in. And there are 3 children she's taking on this damaging ride.

OP needs to grow up, fast. People aren't being sanctimonious. They're telling her the truth. In the hope, for her sake, she might see it.