Father not being given access to children - where do I stand?

[al3555]

Hi,

Bit of background, I (father) had a period of ill mental health a few years ago, married with 3 young children I struggled to balance work and family pressures and had 3 spells in hospital due to this and other family issues.
Fast forward 5 years I'm now stable, in a good job and finalising divorce from the kids mother. She has blocked me seeing the children for the past 3 years and I miss them terribly. I realise the only way I'll get access is through the C100 court process but am worried that my psychological background will stop me from seeing them even though I have been free of any treatment for 3 years and am coping well with life in general.
Have spoken to a couple of other fathers in similar situations and one of the things which comes up is that I'll need a full psychological assessment at a cost of £5000 or more (I don't qualify for legal aid) which I can barely afford. I'm going to be representing myself, I was just wondering if anyone had any thoughts/advice for me, all I want to do is see my children.

Thanks

This is spades.

Their mother has parented through the hard bit, raised them for years alone. OP's wants and needs don't really feature. Theirs do.

I'd hate to be a man with serious MH problems. I can understand why suicide is now the main cause of death for men.

This is not an entirely correct statement.

Suicide is the leading cause of death for the younger age groups, not for all men and is not the leading cause of death for men as a whole group.

However, for example, where suicide is the leading cause of death for young men, such as in the 20-34 year old age group, its is also the leading cause of death for women.

I am not trying to downplay the real risk of suicide and suicide attempts for both men and women, but I do think that comment was a bit misleading, and deliberately so in an attempt to shut women up which I find distasteful.

Well, they're terrible tragedies too but the number of women murdered in a whole year is only slightly more than the number of men that commit suicide every week.

However, for example, where suicide is the leading cause of death for young men, such as in the 20-34 year old age group, its is also the leading cause of death for women.

It's all men below 50yo, not just young men.

Well, they're terrible tragedies too but the number of women murdered in a whole year is only slightly more than the number of men that commit suicide every week.

Did you mean to sound quite so dismissive of women being murdered? Because you did BTW.

I wouldn't waste your time - MRAs gotta MRA. Especially when it comes to selective statistics.

True @C8H10N4O2

What's that quote about playing chess with pigeons?

Not dismissive. Male suicide is just a bigger societal issue.

Yes which is why I said however and then specified the age group I was about to discuss. It was entirely more accurate than your comment that suicide is the main cause of death for men.

Additionally women who have been abused by their partners are at a higher risk of commuting suicide. Given the OPs non molestation order and therefore high likelihood of domestic abuse the person who could be at risk of suicide is also his ex

But concerns about suicide only seem to come out for men for some people even though more women try to commit suicide.

Well in which case heart disease is the biggest average cause of death for all ages and sexes together

So if we are only allowed to work through things in order of priority maybe we should just talk about heart disease going forward

What abusive behaviour did you display to get the NMO?

I'm sorry you're in this position OP, but I think if I were your ex wife I'd be doing the same thing. I can't see how having any contact with your children can be beneficial for them now, the only benefits are for you.

Well, yeah, heart disease rightly gets loads of attention. Male suicide hardly gets any attention compared to women being murdered despite killing 40x more individuals a year. It doesn't sense.

Obviously it's not a zero sum game but it's interesting to compare the two.

I'm not so sure. The OP could be in their lives for decades yet and this could be a distant memory at some point.

This could also be a way to continue harassing his ex if he thinks she uses mumsnet.

I've seen male suicide get a lot of attention. Quite often on MN when women are talking about issues that affect women and someone trots long to tell us we should be talking about men's problems to

I've already responded to this subject on the other thread but to be clear on one thread you are diminishing talking about violence against women because we should be talking about male suicide. On another thread you are claiming that the women talking about male patterns of behaviour are wrong because they are not also talking about homophobia and racism (and you can't possibly even know if they have talked about it in other threads)

I've seen posters come and go over the years trying to talk over women talking about women's issues and trying call them out for not talking about men.

We see through it.

It is deeply problematic to use the concept of suicide to prevent people from questioning a man with a history of abuse (NMO!!) and a great deal of flexibility with the facts (does he pay CMS calculator rates or 60% of his salary?; who was paying the mortgage while he was too unwell to work?; did he have 3 hospitalisations, at least one of which was 7 months long or did he recover fully ‘within a couple of months’?) about his victim tale?

Even if this OP is telling the truth, the single best advice anyone can give him is to face up to the reality of his behaviour and the ongoing impact on his children and their mother. And work with appropriate professionals - a therapist, a solicitor - to gradually work towards building relationships and healing the broken ones.

Mental illness can be enormously destructive - for those affected and the people around them. Once you’ve recovered, there can often be a need to rebuild and reassure. And that can take a very long time, even where someone is able to recognise how their illness has affected their family and friends.

when someone is still claiming there was no abuse - despite the 2 year non molestation order against him - and playing the victim, it’s not a good sign. Clearly his behaviour has caused enormous harm - whatever the cause of that behaviour was. Properly acknowledging that is the absolute minimum for trying to rebuilt trust for those who’ve suffered because of it.

His teenage children will remember what happened, and will know he’s not been in their lives for 5 years as a result. If he can’t properly admit the abusive behaviour and the detrimental effects on them, then he should probably stay away and seek counselling until he can take responsibility for this. They were and are still children. They need their father to recognise the harm he’s caused them and make amends.

@ConfusedNT

I've already responded to this subject on the other thread but to be clear on one thread you are diminishing talking about violence against women because we should be talking about male suicide. On another thread you are claiming that the women talking about male patterns of behaviour are wrong because they are not also talking about homophobia and racism (and you can't possibly even know if they have talked about it in other threads)

LOOK OVER HERE, DON'T LOOK THERE.

@MademoiselleTrunchbull Male suicide is an issue, I should know having spent many years working with trauma impacted men. However, it's men choosing to kill themselves. It's not illegal. I mean FFS many countries also physician assisted suicide. Men murdering women is women being killed with no choice at all.

They are not comparable and suggesting they are is frankly repulsive.

I've already responded to this subject on the other thread but to be clear on one thread you are diminishing talking about violence against women because we should be talking about male suicide. On another thread you are claiming that the women talking about male patterns of behaviour are wrong because they are not also talking about homophobia and racism (and you can't possibly even know if they have talked about it in other threads)

Wrong on both counts. I actually explained pretty clearly what I was saying in regard to your second point the first time you tried to put words into my mouth, so I can only assume that you're wilfully misrepresenting my point - usually what people do when they want to avoid answering the real question.

Your second point isn't even remotely close to what I was saying.

@al3555 not read the whole thread but wow some of these posts are aggressive!

It’s a shame it’s been a few years without contact and that may have to be dealt with sensitively with the children. Equally I can see your ex may want to be sure you’re stable enough now to be in their lives.

i am your ex in this situation, expect my ex never stepped up aside from financially. I would have done anything for him to have had a sudden realisation that he needed to do right by his children. The fact you’re trying to do that now is what matters, in my opinion. And whilst I don’t know the full background with your ex, I always think it is horrific to only communicate via solicitors. Unless you’ve physically attacked her there’s no need for such hostility where children are involved. I would remain calm and communicate by the solicitor to try and resolve it as you will only come off badly if you make a fuss about it…but for what it’s worth i think she sounds incredibly difficult and I’m sorry she can’t bring herself to communicate with you sensibly for the sake of her children.

but for what it’s worth i think she sounds incredibly difficult and I’m sorry she can’t bring herself to communicate with you sensibly for the sake of her children.

It's entirely possible she won't communicate for the sake of her children. It's incredibly rare, even with programs, that abusive men stop their abuse. She may simply be protecting them.

This man had a two year non molestation order against him! As pps have said, they don't do that for no reason.

I am sure he probably misses his children, but my sympathy for him is low.

@MrsTerryPratchett whilst I'm not condoning what has been said by other posters comparing suicide to murder, I think your choice of words (considering you state you've spent years working with trauma impacted men) is quite concerning. To simply just state it's a choice and it's not illegal completely dismisses the sheer trauma and mental distress someone can experience, and also dismisses mental capacity (regardless of gender).

I do understand what you're saying, and I advocate for better MH provision, housing, addiction treatment and all the things which would help to prevent those suicides which are preventable. Including being trained in and carrying naloxone everywhere with me. I've personally prevented overdose deaths. And also lived through the aftermath with bereaved family members when the person hasn't been saved.

However, it's crass to compare what is a health crisis with a violent crime crisis. "Be nicer to violent men in case they self-harm" is the mantra of an abuser. Not you but PP. It isn't OK to conflate self-harm with the harm of others.