Father not being given access to children - where do I stand?

[al3555]

Hi,

Bit of background, I (father) had a period of ill mental health a few years ago, married with 3 young children I struggled to balance work and family pressures and had 3 spells in hospital due to this and other family issues.
Fast forward 5 years I'm now stable, in a good job and finalising divorce from the kids mother. She has blocked me seeing the children for the past 3 years and I miss them terribly. I realise the only way I'll get access is through the C100 court process but am worried that my psychological background will stop me from seeing them even though I have been free of any treatment for 3 years and am coping well with life in general.
Have spoken to a couple of other fathers in similar situations and one of the things which comes up is that I'll need a full psychological assessment at a cost of £5000 or more (I don't qualify for legal aid) which I can barely afford. I'm going to be representing myself, I was just wondering if anyone had any thoughts/advice for me, all I want to do is see my children.

Thanks

Yeah, neither is a great situation to be in. However, I would see this as an unfortunate tragedy if anything. Victim blaming people for their own mental health problems isn't really something I'm onboard with.

Can we just be clear the a non molestation order is always an indicator of abuse. Clear, provable in court abuse. If there is no abuse, a NMO won’t be granted.

I think when the OP says there was no abuse, he means ‘I didn’t hit her’. Or possibly even ‘I did hit her, but I didn’t know what I was doing so it can’t be abuse’. Regardless, there are plenty of ways to horribly abuse your wife without using your fists.

What about the women and children dying at the hands of such men?

OP I think you need to really think about who you're doing this for. You won't get to see your older children if they don't want to see you, and just imagine being in the position of the 9-year old. Having lived with your absence, and with the fallout of your behaviour when you were unwell, to have you suddenly writing to them or to hear your voice on the phone... That would be very difficult.

I know it's better for children to have contact with both parents generally, but not when it's sudden like this, not when there's so much history of trauma. It sounds like you've been through hell, and I'm sorry for that- but the non mol order is proof that your family really suffered terribly as a result of your behaviour, and your posts do seem to sound as if you're quite dismissive of that. It must be horrible and really hard, but it may be time for you to face the fact that contact with you isn't in the children's best interests until they're older and initiate contact with you.

The term victim blaming isn’t helpful here.

MH conditions can seriously impact behaviour such that other people are seriously harmed. Someone can be dangerous and vulnerable at the same time - and that’s why the OP has found himself in this situation.

He’s not being entirely honest on this thread - about the NMO or the finances (his claims simply don’t add up). But still people see MH and have put him in the victim who must be sympathised with category. That won’t help him to repair and build relationships with his children - who may well have good reason to fear him.

OP I wanted to comment on the payment of maintenance. I can see that you've made payments and that is absolutely as it should be. However, it is unfair of posters to suggest that any right to see your children is directly linked to whether you've paid maintenance.

It certainly is morally right that maintenance is paid but not paying it doesn't simply remove any legal right for a parent to have contact with their child.

I split up with my son's father 11 years ago. DS is now 15. His dad owed me a lot of money when our relationship ended which I will never see.

He and hasn't paid any maintenance or anything else for 8 years. Before that he paid £78 maintenance per month.

I cannot chase this via a legal route as he is self employed and doesn't earn much and / or manages to hide his earnings.

Is this fair? No

Is this ok? No

Does this mean my son shouldn't have contact with his dad? No. His dad has many faults but DS loves him and wants him in his life. I can't deny him that.

I realise that this is different to your situation and that there are other more important considerations- but the implication that seeing your kids depends on you doing the decent thing financially seems wrong to me- certainly in a legal sense if not a moral one.

Can I just say, I haven't read the whole thread (only to page 3)? I can't help with access advice etc but I just wanted to offer some support to the OP. DS's Dad was an alcoholic, he had/still has mental health issues and does occasionally require support, as he has bad times. It has been tough, and whilst he has made choices that negatively impacted on DS, he has turned his life around and now is a loving, wonderful father who has a brilliant relationship with DS. (He was never not a loving father BTW, I never doubted that).

DS is 17, he wishes his dad hadn't suffered, but he fully understands that life isn't always how you expect it to be, you hit bumps in the road. He admires his dad for getting help and overcoming his alcoholism, and appreciates their relationship even more for it. You can only live in the present, and I hope you get the chance with your children. As much as I love DS, and have always been there, he needs and deserves his dad too.

@MademoiselleTrunchbull you should be ashamed of some of your comments. The OP is NOT the victim here! NMO aren't just given out Willy nilly.

NMO was granted whilst I was having mental health issues for a 2 year period.
As it transpired I recovered from mental health issues after a couple of months but I stuck to the NMO

NMOs are not given for mental health issues. They are given for abusive behaviour. Now you may feel that the mental health issue cause you to show abusive behaviour, but it actually comes across on here that you are trying to avoid/deny the fact that the abusive behaviour happened.

You also say your children weren't affected. But your eldest who would have been about 11 saw his dad with mental health issues end up under care for several months. Obviously that will have affected him.

I really think you need to get some kind of counselling that is focused around helping you understand the impact of your behaviour on others.

If you want to write your children letters that explain your side of the story they are far more likely to read them and pay attention to them if you are not minimising the impact of what happened on them.

Are you using your MH as an excuse for behaving inappropriately to justify the NMO?

Until you take ownership of your past it’s impossible to move forward.

My Ex threatened to kill himself and said he would do anything to hurt me if I didn’t give him 24/7 access to my then 6mth and 2yr old children. He said he would be as well driving off the viaduct. My children were so young they will never know. They have no relationship with him because of his other behaviour.

It would take me at least about 5 years to save that if I went without any luxuries and without many necessities.

If he’s had significant MH issues it may be fair to assume his career had been stalled and he has some money issues already.

Then you would have written the OP differently. You wouldn’t have said you could ‘barely afford’ it, you would have said you couldn’t afford it. The OP also said ‘It was nothing to do with costs, £200 is not a big deal to me.’ And ‘Fortunately I was not unemployed for a long period of time.’

I’m going by things the OP is saying. If they don’t have the money they don’t have the money but by the way they’re writing my assumption isn’t that they don’t have the money at all, but that it would be difficult to have to find and pay that amount. Which… of course it would.

You and I are just making different assumptions of course, only the OP knows their true financial situation.

Yep. There are posters saying he should step away and accept not being in his kids life as it’s not good for them, and others questioning why he stepped away while it wasn’t good for them.

op, you will not get much constructive help, or support on here as a man.

I have mixed feelings. I understand the many posters saying nmo’s are serious. I think you need to acknowledge that and (even if you don’t want to say on here) reflect on why one was granted. Genuinely think about what’s best for your kids here.

however, severe mental illness was not your fault. If you have fully recovered, then I think you being a part of your kids lives is in their interests. The eldest is 16, you can build a relationship that will last for decades.

but take it slow. It may well take years. You’ve said the right things about slow, letters etc.

all the best

Actually young women attempt suicide at a greater rate than young men. More young men are successful.

The reason more young men are successful is because they are more likely to use violent and extreme methods - drive into a tree, jump off a building etc rather than "quiet" less violent methods such as overdoses which are slower and more likely to be found and intervened.

So ironically your example is actually another consequence of violent behaviour patterns.

Yep. There are posters saying he should step away and accept not being in his kids life as it’s not good for them, and others questioning why he stepped away while it wasn’t good for them

Nope - there are posters saying there is a process and he should follow it. He doesn't want to follow that process.

In fact frankly I don't know what the OP wanted from a female centred forum in terms of advice to someone with history of an NMO and zero contact who now wants contact but who doesn't want to follow the usual processes to reestablish contact.

Did your son's father behave in such an abusive way that a non molestation order was needed to keep him away from you and your son for two years? As many posters have said - even severe mental health break downs which can be very difficult to live with do not attract NMOs. NMOs are given after prolonged abusive behaviour and even then only reluctantly. Two years is a very long order.

There is a lot more to this than the OP is describing.