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Original poster

Father not being given access to children - where do I stand?

212 replies

al3555 · 26/01/2023 15:36

Hi,

Bit of background, I (father) had a period of ill mental health a few years ago, married with 3 young children I struggled to balance work and family pressures and had 3 spells in hospital due to this and other family issues.
Fast forward 5 years I'm now stable, in a good job and finalising divorce from the kids mother. She has blocked me seeing the children for the past 3 years and I miss them terribly. I realise the only way I'll get access is through the C100 court process but am worried that my psychological background will stop me from seeing them even though I have been free of any treatment for 3 years and am coping well with life in general.
Have spoken to a couple of other fathers in similar situations and one of the things which comes up is that I'll need a full psychological assessment at a cost of £5000 or more (I don't qualify for legal aid) which I can barely afford. I'm going to be representing myself, I was just wondering if anyone had any thoughts/advice for me, all I want to do is see my children.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
al3555 · 26/01/2023 16:59

Stressfordays · 26/01/2023 16:53

You can still get access to your children even with a NMO in place by using the court system.

Show quote history

Yes you are correct. I felt that I wanted the NMO to expire before I approached contact as I wanted to do it amicably with the mother.

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 26/01/2023 16:59

The Nmo was not given lightly.

At 13.. i would be very concerned my ex contacting. It is such a tricky age. They are full of hormones.

Honestly. This age concerned me more than 9. Reason. Dad had been absent- needs to make amends. Teens need stability and boundaries. There world been shot apart.

The 9 year old will remember very little. The teens a lot more. The teens have possibly spoken to 9 year old.you would be starting from a very negative place.

Original poster
al3555 · 26/01/2023 17:01

Starlightstarbright1 · 26/01/2023 16:59

The Nmo was not given lightly.

At 13.. i would be very concerned my ex contacting. It is such a tricky age. They are full of hormones.

Honestly. This age concerned me more than 9. Reason. Dad had been absent- needs to make amends. Teens need stability and boundaries. There world been shot apart.

The 9 year old will remember very little. The teens a lot more. The teens have possibly spoken to 9 year old.you would be starting from a very negative place.

I don't doubt that it's a challenge to get anywhere from here but I can't just walk away, I love my children and miss them terribly every day.
All I ask for is for some kind of remote contact initially and hopefully more can build up from there. I am aware of how much instability I have caused them but there must be a way to heal it from here?

OP posts:

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Stressfordays · 26/01/2023 17:02

al3555 · 26/01/2023 16:59

Yes you are correct. I felt that I wanted the NMO to expire before I approached contact as I wanted to do it amicably with the mother.

Show quote history

You mean you didn't want to pay the court costs. No mother worth her salt would allow someone around their child theyve had to get a NMO on without it being court ordered. I think you are really minamalising the effect your mental health had on your ex and the children. You can't just walk back in and make amends, life doesn't work like that.

GoodChat · 26/01/2023 17:03

Have you written a letter to your children?

Have you tried to instigate contact via a solicitor?

BillyBobsFringe · 26/01/2023 17:13

GoodChat · 26/01/2023 17:03

Have you written a letter to your children?

Have you tried to instigate contact via a solicitor?

What was the impact of your MH issues on the children?

Were they witness to anything traumatic/violent/scary?

Aphrathestorm · 26/01/2023 17:16

What was the NMO for?

They are incredibly difficult to get!

I think posters should be wary of what they post on this thread.

Pixiedust1234 · 26/01/2023 17:20

I have contacted solicitors who have told me the only way to get child access is a C100.

Then that is what you have to do, there cant be any short cuts. Your ex wife doesn't have to do anything until a court decides she has to. If you can't afford the court route right now then you save up, get a second job, get a loan, or wait and hope your children decide to contact you once they are adults.

Reugny · 26/01/2023 17:24

OP why are you posting here?

You have legal advice from a qualified person.

You have had other men's experiences.

To get at least letterbox and telephone contact with your 9 year old then you need to go to Court.

Knoblauch · 26/01/2023 17:24

Your 9 years olds choice will absolutely be taken into account by the way OP. I was 7 when I was the child in this situation and I was fully listened to. This was almost 30 years ago.

CheeseandGherkins · 26/01/2023 17:29

What was the NMO for?

Original poster
al3555 · 26/01/2023 17:48

Stressfordays · 26/01/2023 17:02

You mean you didn't want to pay the court costs. No mother worth her salt would allow someone around their child theyve had to get a NMO on without it being court ordered. I think you are really minamalising the effect your mental health had on your ex and the children. You can't just walk back in and make amends, life doesn't work like that.

Show quote history

It was nothing to do with costs, £200 is not a big deal to me.

I'm not looking to get back into their lives, just to have some basic contact. I appreciate the pain and grief I have caused and want to start repairing it

OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 26/01/2023 17:49

OP, what did you actually do to your family? What was their experience of you while you were 'suffering from poor mental health'?

Poor mental health could mean anything from 'sometimes you retired to your room depressed and hid under the duvet for a few days' to being physically and verbally abusive/ and or your family traumatised by dealing with your substance abuse or coming home to find you having tried to commit suicide....

Perhaps acknowledging the actual experience of your family would be good in terms of taking responsibility, And clarifying it here would help people give more on-point reactions?

Original poster
al3555 · 26/01/2023 17:50

BillyBobsFringe · 26/01/2023 17:13

What was the impact of your MH issues on the children?

Were they witness to anything traumatic/violent/scary?

Show quote history

Fortunately they saw/heard very little.
I'd like to, when they are old enough, explain things from my perspective so they understand that I didn't just run away from them

OP posts:
GoodChat · 26/01/2023 17:52

I'd like to, when they are old enough, explain things from my perspective so they understand that I didn't just run away from them

The eldest is 16. They've been old enough for an explanation the whole time you've been well.

EL0ISE · 26/01/2023 17:58

al3555 · 26/01/2023 17:50

Fortunately they saw/heard very little.
I'd like to, when they are old enough, explain things from my perspective so they understand that I didn't just run away from them

Show quote history

So your objective for this contact is to have letter box contract to put your side of the story. You say you don’t expect to get back into their lives.

Have I got that right ?

You’ve not answered what you did to your ex and children to get a NMO.

bellac11 · 26/01/2023 17:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

OP has answered this and its irrelevant to the question anyway

OP, you can go to court, the decisions are unlikely to hold a past history of MH against you and psychological assessments are not always necessary.

I would make your application.

Aphrathestorm · 26/01/2023 17:59

If there's been a non molestation order there must have been domestic abuse towards the ex.

Funny how that's been omitted from the OP.

Funny how abusers never admit abuse.

Funny how abusers deflect from abuse and try to blame (substitute one) mental health, alcohol, drugs, their parents, their friends, their job, stress, their ex, anything except themselves.

Funny how abusers then try to hunt out new women to do the work of 'rehabilitating' them.

I don't come to MN to help abusive men.

<team ex>

Original poster
al3555 · 26/01/2023 18:00

GoodChat · 26/01/2023 17:52

I'd like to, when they are old enough, explain things from my perspective so they understand that I didn't just run away from them

The eldest is 16. They've been old enough for an explanation the whole time you've been well.

Yes but I have no chance to put that across.
I could and have written to them but no idea if they're getting the letters I have written

OP posts:
Magenta82 · 26/01/2023 18:01

I think you need to apply through the court. File the C100 and follow the process, the court may not require a psychological assessment, they may be happy with information from your GP and psychiatrist.

It doesn't look like your ex will agree to contact so a child arrangements order is your best option. The court won't make an order for the 16 year old and will probably agree with what the 13 year old wants but they could potentially put something in place so they can contact you if they wish.

The courts take the view that it is usually in the children's best interests to have a relationship with both parents, but that contact might need to be restricted or supervised.

GoodChat · 26/01/2023 18:01

Are any of your family in contact with them @al3555?

Original poster
al3555 · 26/01/2023 18:02

EL0ISE · 26/01/2023 17:58

So your objective for this contact is to have letter box contract to put your side of the story. You say you don’t expect to get back into their lives.

Have I got that right ?

You’ve not answered what you did to your ex and children to get a NMO.

Show quote history

I would like to be a small part of their lives if they'll let me in whatever that entails.
It could just be a weekly phone call.

OP posts:
Original poster
al3555 · 26/01/2023 18:04

Aphrathestorm · 26/01/2023 17:59

If there's been a non molestation order there must have been domestic abuse towards the ex.

Funny how that's been omitted from the OP.

Funny how abusers never admit abuse.

Funny how abusers deflect from abuse and try to blame (substitute one) mental health, alcohol, drugs, their parents, their friends, their job, stress, their ex, anything except themselves.

Funny how abusers then try to hunt out new women to do the work of 'rehabilitating' them.

I don't come to MN to help abusive men.

<team ex>

No domestic abuse at all. I won't go into detail about what the mental health issues were suffice to say they were severe enough for me to be put into a mental hospital for 7 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
al3555 · 26/01/2023 18:05

Magenta82 · 26/01/2023 18:01

I think you need to apply through the court. File the C100 and follow the process, the court may not require a psychological assessment, they may be happy with information from your GP and psychiatrist.

It doesn't look like your ex will agree to contact so a child arrangements order is your best option. The court won't make an order for the 16 year old and will probably agree with what the 13 year old wants but they could potentially put something in place so they can contact you if they wish.

The courts take the view that it is usually in the children's best interests to have a relationship with both parents, but that contact might need to be restricted or supervised.

I hope you're right Magenta especially as I'm not looking for full access just remote contact

OP posts:
Original poster
al3555 · 26/01/2023 18:06

Unfortunately not

OP posts:
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