Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. I hope this thread can continue the good work of the original. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here.

There’s often a sense of entitlement that comes with this type of parent - entitled to your time, your attention, mine feel entitled to see their grandchildren even when they’re being absolutely rotten to me.

A strange contradiction, but my mother was always using the word ‘sorry’ but not in any meaningful or apologetic way - it was always used sarcastically:

Sorry I’m such a burden to you.
Sorry you don’t consider me that important.
Sorry that I’m clearly not on your list of priorities.
Sorry your friends/family are more deserving of your time than me.
Sorry that I’m clearly such an embarrassment to you (after either being an absolute bitch to me or kicking off unnecessarily and obnoxiously at an innocent third party in public)

When I was a child:

Sorry I gave birth to you.
Sorry I wasn’t stricter with you (!)
Sorry I spoilt you (!)

JohnPrescottsPyjamas I can relate to that.
My mother will often repeat " I'm sorry! I'msorry! I'm sorry I'm sorry!" Multiple times- often in response to an innocuous question.
My mother is a covert narcissist. Always a victim. With a searing disdain and hatred towards others.

Have you considered moving her into a care home and getting therapy @JohnPrescottsPyjamas

@Nicola101177 She died 2 1/2 years ago in a care home. She had Alzheimer’s towards the last few months of her life - ironic because she was very mocking and patronising when a friend of hers was diagnosed.

I have wondered about therapy. She’s left me with a legacy of anxiety, people pleasing, a tendency to overthink others responses and a terror of confrontation.

I’m wondering too about therapy, johnprescottspyjamas, for very similar reasons. Do you have any thoughts about which type of therapy might be most helpful/relevant/appropriate?

Just to say I have had therapy, 2 or 3 different types over the years- which helped to some degree.

My most recent therapy was Gestalt- and that has been a game changer for me.
It was very challenging, and at times painful, but the therapy was rigorous, allowed me a huge insight into the maladaptive thinking patterns which were not serving me well.
It has been a springboard into a deep healing journey, of awareness, self love, releasing my codependant tendencies and allowing me to find a deep peaceful place that I can carry and nurture.

I think many types therapies can help in this type of situation, some of us are more suited to one style than another.
I also think that the relationship you have with your therapist is hugely important, so be prepared to try a couple until you find one you connect with.

That’s really helpful, speakout, thank you. It’s finding the right match with a therapy and therapist that I find daunting.

I can understand that- some of it comes down to luck I think.

Don't be afraid to try out a couple of counsellors, trust your feelings to figure out whether is is a good match or not.
The type of counselling may be determined by what is availiable in your area, or price bracket.
It wasn't my choice to use a Gestalt therapist- I was given free counselling by a local carer's charity, it was just a fortunate fit for me.

I am sorry @JohnPrescottsPyjamas that was really thoughtless of me to assume she was still with you. I hope you get the help you need

No worries at all - please don’t apologise. It’s not as though I lost a loving and loved parent. My conscience is clear inasmuch as I ensured I regularly visited her and she received appropriate care whilst she was still in her own home and when the time came, got her a place in an excellent facility - despite me probably being justified in walking away years ago.

I have to admit to not shedding a tear at her death, only a sense of relief at the end of her ‘rule’
I just hope that doesn’t make me as bad as her.

Can I join in with a monster of a MIL who definitely fits this bill? MIL has successfully alienated DH's early 20's daughter against him.

It started with years of undermining his parenting. When DH and his ex divorced he moved a few miles away from the kids for cheaper housing but MiL remained in the same street as the kids so used to have regular contact.

Now over a decade later she's been witnessed to say "don't listen to your dad, you know why he's like " "another fib from your father" "well maybe his new wife needs to have a word with herself"

She openly gushes on SD's social media accounts which have been a source of regular disagreement since an early age "my beautiful little girl" "my best friend" "my adorable granddaughter" she also gazumped DH's 21st birthday present to SD. He can't win.

The best was when DH wasn't invited to SD's 21st party (at his exes house so naturally he wouldn't) and MIL spent all day sending texts on the family WhatsApp telling everyone how proud she was and that she's had "the best day of her life" with SD.

I later called her out on it and asked her to read the room and she had a sudden lapse of memory.

SD now has grown to understand that manipulation is the path to getting what you want. If DH ever said no to SD, MIL delivered whatever she wanted. The saddest part of this is that SS has very clearly different treatment to his sister and MIL is blinkered to this.

I have so much to write on here but here are some quotes to start with -

1- Other people say you’re (insert horrible & untrue word) but I defend you
2- They’re my friends not yours (about family friends/people in general than I am
also friends with.
3- You never let anyone get near your friends do you (no because you’d claim them for yourself at a later date)
4- Well that’s another friend I’ve lost (when I dare to speak the truth about anyone or anything even in a nice way, or if I don’t attend an event, etc -basically anything)
5- What will they think of me now (about things and people nothing to do with her)
6- I bet they did that because of me/what I said/did (again, about things nothing to do with her, regarding people who haven’t given her a single thought)
7- You’re a lying liar (when I’ve told the complete truth about anything, but also about things that are of no consequence)
8- What about the way you treat me (when I won’t put up with any more of her bs)
9- You’ve turned her against me (about my SEN Dd who is sick of her drama)
10 - Complete silence for weeks on end (and I don’t know why)

Goodness, yes!
I’m continuing to be amazed - having thought my mother was a complete unique one off - how many of you are posting quotes and expressions that are almost verbatim that she would use.

@WetLettuce2 Point 5 is particularly relevant. She was obsessed with other’s perceptions of her and how my or my children’s behaviour/achievements would reflect back on her. If I or my DCs were ever complimented in front of her, it was always because “she/they inherited it from me”
She made up a whole fantasy upbringing of her childhood which was far removed from the actual truth - as told by her siblings - to overstate her academic achievements and regularly denied her nationality because I think in her mind, she was convinced she would be judged further down the social scale.

Oh goodness, there’s a lot here I recognise, too (and not in a good way). Points 5 and 6 are very familiar, as is the rewriting of history and dividing things into “inherited from me” (ie anything perceived as desirable) and ”inherited from the other side of the family” (ie anything perceived as undesirable). It’s another square on our bingo card!

The similarities on this thread are astounding- I am nodding at practically every post.
It is sad that so many of us have had and continue to have these negative experiences.
I am grateful to have my immediate family- OH, DS and DD who can see the truth - my mother's passive agression, her victim mask, the way she milks everyone around her and bad mouths them behind their back.
My mother's wider circle ( while they last) see her as a sweet vulnerable old lady, and I often have to sound things off to my OH because I often feel I am losing my marbles.
This thread is very validating.

Yes, however much one thinks one can see and understand what happened and continues to happen, validation is important.

I’m not at all sure that my mother’s circle do see her as a sweet vulnerable old lady but am unlikely to get the opportunity to broach this with them!

I’ve agreed with every single post on here

my mother is a narc-my father may be too-he definitely enables her

she loved to undermine my parenting-he’d back her up-and it was like they where her kids and I was only there to keep them alive and all the bad bits

i get the ‘oh it’s not your choice which school they go to-your mother wants them to go to x school not y school’ or ‘why don’t you put them in the clothes your mother bought?’ (Because they where fit for the bin,that’s why)

my education was ‘school is free childcare-higher education is a waste for girls’
I wasn’t allowed to go to college due to a lack of money (the money was found for my brothers)

I went back to college off my own back years later-i only got onto the course because I shagged a tutor,only passed exams because I handed out bjs like sweets and only passed the course because I was fucking the top dog boss (the truth is,I didn’t,I worked hard,and all the staff/teachers where female)

she’s claimed I tried my best to break her marriage every time I made a mistake-she wanted the bloody divorce-I remember her telling me she’d asked my father for one-I didn’t give a fuck and told her this-she changed her mind and told everyone it’s because I cried my eyes out-so it’s all my fault she stayed and she’s unhappy

she started a maths course just before she turned 50-we where all really chuffed for her and supported her-she jacked it in after 6 weeks,somehow all my fault

I wasn’t allowed to learn to drive-lack of money (but she forced my father to have driving lessons at that time and bought my brothers lessons,cars and paid the expenses that came with that)

she’s always at the doctors-always something wrong with her (which turn out to be nothing) but when I had pnd,she stopped me from getting the help I so badly needed (she’d have a gossip with the doctor and tell her there was nothing wrong with me-so when I went to get help,I wasn’t believed)

She rewrote history-even if it had just happened

i wasn’t allowed friends as a child-I was badly bullied-she did nothing about it-even making friends with the teachers that bullied me and the parents of the child bullies

my darling grandad brought me up-he did the grunt work with me-she was very open with the fact I was only born to look after him-I have no regrets-we adored each other-she never once went to see him in my childhood-but the second he died,he was the best fil and she was the most upset at his funeral and I didn’t matter-in fact I had to fight just to be able to go and was shoved at the back like I didn’t matter

as soon as it was over-she never mentioned him again-he’s name was forbidden

she conned so much money out of me-when the kids where little,I ended up on benefits which came with milk tokens-she took what little money I had-and the milk tokens-they where used to make things like custard-my golden child brother went through a stage of making it,then dumping it if it wasn’t right

my kids milk that was meant for my kids-she got my son to steal them more than once

i had to buy all my own clothes,san-pro,make up,school,uniform,shampoo,shower gel school books,pens etc from the age of about 12-i worked all hours just to be able to have san-pro and not just bleed everywhere

i got ill aged about 16 and tried to kill myself about 10/15 times-‘just pack it in!what will my friends think of me?’ Was the only support I got

shed steal from me-then lie about it-odd things like food,dishcloths or photos-if I left them lying around,they’d disappear

shed only have my kids if someone (the neighbours) where watching-she wouldn’t babysit if nobody could see her playing the loving granny

she claims she doesn’t have things like my babies first photos,birth certificates or hospital bands

or once when I caught her out,she claimed she ‘couldn’t find them’

she stalks (the flying monkeys definitely do) my sm-any tiny thing she can find out is blown up and spread about like it’s fact-my sm is so locked down it’s unbelievable

shes very overweight-she’s given all 4 of us kids food issues-all my fault

shes rang my work so many times to tell lies about me-I almost lost my job

as soon as I went nc,the smear campaign started-her,my golden child brothers,other family members and her friends all turned on me-narcs and thick people stick together I guess

im a slag,slut,narcissistic dd and will sleep with anything,I belong in boardmoor,I’ll steal anything that’s not pinned down,I lie,I don’t give a fuck about anyone or anything apart from myself,I’m greedy,I’m selfish,I’m evil (my dp,his lovely family and my friends tell me I’m none of these things)

I’ve been with my dp for 7 years-she’s been sending her flying monkeys all that time,telling lies to try to break us up-dp just laughs at her so she ramps it up

ive lost friends,had endless damaging relationships,lost good relationships,lost my home (i ended up moving away-I can’t go back to my hometown,it’s not worth it) and so much money-she won’t stop until she’s destroyed me

I won’t allow her to

My elderly mother ( who lives with me) is prone to choking on food and drink usually because she doesn't slow her talking whilst eating.
An hour ago she sat down with tea and cake, we were not engaged in conversation, I was replying to emails on my lap top.
She started to choke and cough, I fetched some water and a cloth, and 10 minutes later all was well.
Then she turned on me- " Look what you made me do! You made me choke!"
How??? We were not talking.
"I was just about to say something, and my cake went down the wrong way- you shouldn't ask me to talk while I am eating!"
I didn't- I was on my laptop.
Mother " Oh just typical, trying to blame me again- you are so like your auntie Margaret"

Exhausting.

That sounds like dysphagia. Has she been diagnosed?

No- hasn't been diagnosed. she eats, drinks and swallows normally, it's only when she is trying to talk and swallow at the same time that she chokes.
I can't suggest medical investigation for anything, she dislikes me trying to help.

Was it like my mother’s ‘heart condition’ that the doctors’ never diagnosed but used to strike whenever she either wanted preferential treatment from strangers or was in danger of being caught out/confronted about her behaviour?
It was incredible how quickly her ‘acute chest pains, giddiness and struggling to breathe’ evaporated whenever I suggested calling an ambulance.

Argh. Again, I recognise the pattern although mine has contradictory attitudes to her health.

My DM encouraged her bad health so she wouldn't have to work and for the attention. She drank alot of alcohol, ate badly, didn't exercise, smoked. She ended up with diabetes but didn't take the insulin. She must have felt like shit alot of the time but refused to do anything to feel better.

She was at the doctor's alot for real and imagined ailments. Lots of consultants.

When she died I threw out bin bags full of medication.

Mine loves being sick too.,actively sabotages herself by waiting as long as she can before seeking medical help, because she loves having people running around after her, doing her shopping, cleaning her house, etc. Often comments that "she should be sick more often as she gets lots of company".