Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. I hope this thread can continue the good work of the original. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here.

Cherry on the top with my mother today.
My - very lovely MIL- has had a lot of bad health in the past couple of years, a couple of surgeries, mobility issues, onset of dementia, she is in her 70s and quite frail.
Today she became ill with a heart issue and is having emergency surgery this evening.
I told my mother ( who does not like my MIL one bit)- MIL is unwell and in hospital.
My mother raised her eyes and said " Always something with that woman! Look at me I am far older, and doing so much better- you never catch me complaining! She is a good 10 years younger than me, I don't understand the fuss. I had surgery 20 years ago and it was a piece of cake."
Quite honestly I am speechless at my mother's hard attitude.

I remember mine turning round and asking me ‘when’s your birthday?’
im the eldest,and only dd
I mean she gave birth to me-she was there!
but claims she can never remember the date,doesn’t know my birth weight,the day of the week it fell on or the time I was born
She can remember telling my father to ‘fuck off!’ (So he did)

its almost like she’s hiding something for some reason

my lot know the stories of their births,weight,times,days and any funny stories-I get ‘dunno’ or ‘can’t remember’

Yes. My mother keeps asking me how old my DD is.

Mine ‘forgot’ how many grandchildren she had

funny how she never forgot about my nephew (golden child of the golden child)

she also ‘forgot’ my sons 1st birthday and went on holiday

that doesn’t sound too bad-but they share a birthday

(much to her horror-she went mental when I went into labour and has had to force a smile every year and again if anyone says how lovely that is)

My mother forgot my DSs surname! She had one grandchild! She remembered the names of her great nephew and niece. And she didn't get why I was so upset or apologised for it. But of course it meant brownie points whereas everyone just expects you to remember your only grandchild's name.

My mother will fawn over distant relatives and people she hardly sees, but is quite disinterested in her own grandchildren and children by comparison. She will gush about distant cousins four times removed as though they are joined at the hip.

My mother said ‘yeh but baby boys are more special aren’t they’ - to me (her dd).

Eek, WetLettuce. It’s obvious from her behaviour that mine thinks similarly, but she’s never said so quite so plainly.

The similarities in this thread jump out at me! It is so very sad that so many have had to endure this behaviour from our mothers.

The purpose of being a mother is to love, protect, care for, and support. A mother's love is unconditional.

I couldn't cope with my mother's behaviour, so told her I'd be going no contact for a while. I definitely over stepped the mark. She wrote saying she was disowning me. She wrote pages of toxic rubbish going back years, she included cut up greeting cards I'd sent over the years, along with cut up pictures of me. She even accused me of abusing her, when in fact she was the abuser. That was back in January and in the months that followed I have received photos (some framed) that include me, and gifts I'd given her recently.
I have since learned I wasn't supposed to receive her letter until after her death, she is elderly. The friend who posted the letter misunderstood my mother's instructions, and instead of holding on to the letter, She posted it.

She just cannot let things be, instead every couple of months I receive another parcel making sure I don't forget what she thinks of me. I know she wants a reaction but I will not give her one.

@IclimbedSnowdon I’m truly sorry, and very sad on your behalf to read your post. I thought my mother was pretty bad, but yours is on another scale and her behaviour to you is horrific and inexcusable.

I have spent many years trying to unpick and wonder why these parents do these things to their own children? Is there something in their past that has damaged them so badly they are unable to give unconditional love or are they maybe just ‘wired’ differently? Do they ever have a conscience in their quiet moments where they reflect on their conduct or are they so confident that they are so right and justified that nothing troubles them? They have this need to be admired and adored but perversely make themselves quite unlovable by their actions.

I wonder why they even become parents because having a child means putting their needs before your own. I suspect my mother had me partly because of a generational societal expectation and partly because she wanted a ‘mini me’ She wanted a human doll that she could mould and dress exactly into her own image but struggled to cope when, as all children do, I developed my own personality, independence, thoughts and opinions.

I guess I just want the impossible and to be able to rationalise NPD.

I hope your mother in law’s surgery went well & she is feeling better soon.

JohnPrescottsPyjamas - I’d written a long reply but lost it. What I was trying to say is that your questions about what causes such behaviour are valid and important, but I feel now that I’ve spent too much time trying to understand her behaviour - time which I should have devoted to my own well-being. Understanding her behaviour won’t change it.

Forced myself to phone my mother this evening. She says she’s lonely, spends a lot of time alone . She misses her job that she gave up thirty years ago because she wants to feel ‘useful’. Fair enough. Except she’s never lifted a finger to help me when sometimes I desperately needed it/ Has never cared if I felt lonely . She dismisses any feelings I have of sadness or loss. Yet there I am listening sympathetically and feeling guilty that I’m such an awful daughter.

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas I honestly don't think my mother has a conscience. She regularly falls out with other family members, and it's always the other person's fault. I've never known her to apologise to anyone ever.

The point you made about your mother maybe wanting a 'mini me' when she had you could have been written about my mother.
She was a dressmaker and our dresses were always made using the same material. I was frightened of her as a child, she could be very volatile. The problems between us only started as I grew older. She is exactly the same with my two grown dc. She was especially close to my ds (she favours boys) until he reached adulthood and called her out for the way she spoke to him. He still sees her, but not often.

My mother was a young child during WW2. She was evacuated from the east end of London to several households around the country, leaving her mother and younger brother at home. She never forgave her mother for sending her away and keeping her brother, and hasn't seen her brother since she married in 1955. I think this has a lot to do with the way she behaves. She has a very domineering personality and only seems to get along with people who don't question her behaviour.

This could be my mother (and her childhood experience exactly) She was also evacuated whilst her younger brother stayed with her mother, which she was always bitter about - but she went to family in Ireland whom she knew, so not total strangers.

I recognise the volatility too. I grew up never knowing what sort of mood I was going to be dealing with. She could appear to be very loving, almost suffocatingly so, and then without warning lash out physically and verbally.

Definitely very patriarchal, although that might have been her upbringing too. Men did the ‘real and proper’ work, women were there to look after the home. Women who were ambitious were ‘either lesbians or man haters’! She openly said that if she were an employer, she would actively promote a male over a female. She would accept whatever my DH or DS told her but dismiss my or my DD’s opinions as frivolous and irrelevant.

Likewise like your mother, if she fell out with anyone, she was always the ‘victim’ She could never see the trend or the common denominator. Having said that, distant family thought she was wonderful; witty, fun, hard working and the perfect woman and often told me how lucky I was to have her as a mother!

Both of ours sounded scarily similar!

I'll add that one to my list. I liked 'how did we get here' with dr Tanya Byron

Oh yes. Thank you to whoever recommended Dr Sherrie Campbell a little while ago. I watched a couple of her things on YouTube and found them very helpful.

Once again, there’s so much I recognise. Mine remains very volatile. One can be having what appears to be a calm, pleasant conversation (although always on a safe topic) then suddenly something will set her off and she’ll be snarling insults.

She too is of the wartime generation but, again, that seems only to be a partial explanation because not all their contemporaries are like this. She’s also very embedded in the patriarchal attitudes of the era. She dismisses the MeToo movement, for example, because “everyone knows” men are predatory and always will be, so women have to take care. In her day, she tells me, young women would have felt there was something wrong with them if men on building sites didn’t whistle as they walked past.
.

My view is that the behaviour described is due to repression. Women were taught to keep small, not want too much, not express their needs. Look up to men to tell them what to do, don’t complain, make the best of a bad situation. The result is many many women who lived frustrated lives with unmet needs. When they see women of a different generation with respectful partners who treat women as equals they get triggered. They can’t face up to the fact that maybe they were short changed and lived the wrong sort of life. That, and the fact that questioning their attitudes and beliefs would undermine their whole existence. So instead they make snide comments, put other women down and feel self satisfied about their own superiority.

I think traumatic experiences in childhood can also be a factor. Boarding school, evacuation, abuse etc. I think it causes a split in personality which enables the child to survive. My mother said to me she decided to act happy to keep people around her on side. The truth is that she was a very lonely unhappy confused child . She doesn’t know what her own feelings are most of the time as a result, and so much of her behaviour is governed by a lack of self awareness. I think also such children lack empathy as adults because they are very focused on survival as children. So their own survival trumps consideration of others.

I see it as a shadow side which is constantly kept under wraps, but which is triggered when uncomfortable things happen. I see it in my own mother. She is very much a Jekyll and Hyde , with a nasty, spiteful side which can be breathtaking.

Yes, I think there’s a lot of truth in that. Being so wedded to the patriarchy (for example) was in some ways a survival skill.

Glad I found this thread, makes me feel less alone dealing with a narcissistic mother, but I’m
sorry that so many of us have had to deal with these situations over many years.

Hi, I’m new to this thread.
A little background: my mum is probably on the autistic spectrum and has deep anxiety/low self esteem which is covered by narcissistic traits. She does not explicitly attack me or criticise me, but it’s all implied. She questions everything I do and has to give me advice on everything (because I’m clearly incapable and need her). She has completely neglected my emotional needs my whole life. Her need to present a view to the world of herself has always been prioritised over my needs.
I am currently in therapy (fairly early stages) and doing a lot of reflection on the impact of this on me.
My question (among many!) for now is this… my mum is imminently due a knee replacement and will need care at home. I will need to provide some (not all) of this. How do I prepare and protect myself emotionally in this situation as best I can? I am not ready for and not currently wanting to stop contact, so not looking for perfect options just some ideas as I haven’t ever had a caring role for her physically (although emotionally all my life!)

I get that sometimes trauma can be generational but my DM never had trauma. She was adored by her family. But whatever they did it was never enough. Particularly when she had brothers who were favoured (according to her). But they did need extra support. And if she felt like this why not do everything she could so I didn't have her experiences?

My DM definitely had me to keep my DF and so she wouldn't have to work (outside the home). I was only a means to an end and she was jealous of me from the start.

I never once felt guilty about going NC with her. She used to do it to people all the time. But she was so thick skinned she still thought we were in contact.

@Mummyongin - if you have to provide some care, please take care of yourself as well. You will be vulnerable. If you could set boundaries at the start (in terms of how she is to treat you and how much time you can give) that might help and if she starts or upsets you walk away and take regular breaks.

My DM would think nothing about using mine and others time for her own and piss about so the whole day was gone. But she never, ever gave any time to anyone including me when I desperately needed it.

I’m similarly puzzled, user, by why mine made no effort to replicate the very close relationship she says she had with her mother. Every time she waxes lyrical about how wonderful her mother was, I bite my lip about why she couldn’t or wouldn’t model herself on her.

I agree, mummyongin, about boundaries. Do you have a partner or friend you can offload to at the end of a trying day? I try not to overdo it, but discussing things with my partner helps, because they can give perspective.

@WaggledMyAerialAndWolfedMyCustardCreams yes I have a partner I can offload to and I find it very helpful. He’s already realised that I’m in a vulnerable place with my therapy at the moment so he’s aware of that. He’s got his own limits though. Thanks for the advice.

@user1471538283 yes I think regular breaks are a good idea. I have young children with high needs so I have a reason to get out without offending her too much which helps.