Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. I hope this thread can continue the good work of the original. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here.

open.spotify.com/episode/4he7xWJwOxFdnyX3oWZt5w

I’m not sure if this link will work, but worth a try. ----

And she’s on YouTube too, I’ve since discovered. Thank you.

I’d be interested what you thought of it? So many things Sherrie mentioned definitely sounded familiar. Her comment about the other parent being narc by proxy struck a massive chord. I loved my father dearly, but all he wanted was a quiet life and because of this, he definitely enabled my mother. He used to ask me so sweetly to try not to ‘upset’ her because ‘you know what your mother’s like’ I was a child - I never intentionally upset her! The person he should have been speaking to was her, not me. His way of dealing with her irrational behaviour was to walk out for a few hours leaving me with her. Of course, she would turn on me and tell me that it was my fault he had left.

The discussion about confrontations was very familiar. If I argued with her as an adult, she was the master bamboozler. She’d twist and turn the theme and throw in all sorts of side issues until I was so confused about what we were actually fighting about. Then she would say, “I’m sorry I’m such an embarrassment to you” and “You just don’t like me because I’m from (her country of birth)” As if any of these points were even relevant or had even been raised in the disagreement.

I haven’t had time to watch them today but am hoping to do so later this week.

And yes to the other parent being narc by proxy. My father said similar to me.

Do your DMs always need to have all eyes on them? I suppose that’s what narcissism is, in a nutshell. I’m a bit exhausted by seeing mine yesterday.

We were visiting our wedding venue because mine and DP’s parents wanted to see it. I was waiting with DP’s parents and the venue owner, my car was a few feet away with my dog sitting happily in the back while we had a chat and waited for my parents. My parents and DP’s parents have met a few times but not a huge amount, and I’m conscious of wanting everyone to get on and make a good impression, etc. DM arrives and starts basically winding the dog up through the window. Then she marches towards us shouting ‘THE DOG’S SO EXCITED IT PEED IN YOUR CAR.’

I was 😮 and asked ‘oh no, are you serious?’ And she wasn’t, she’d said it as a joke (for attention?) I was so embarrassed.

She doesn’t seem to think of how these things come across at all, or of anyone else’s feelings. Then for the rest of the afternoon she kept talking about the apprentice at her work, and how DM talks to/about her is awful and excruciatingly embarrassing. Everything is SO LOUD and exaggerated.

Sorry for the huge long post. Can anyone else relate?

Sadly, yes. At any family or social gathering, she has to be centre of attention and will engineer the situation to make sure that she is. Another family member now thinks that she’s faking ill health to do this (although I doubt it). All I can offer is solidarity.

Thank you, @WaggledMyAerialAndWolfedMyCustardCreams, solidarity to you too, and everyone else on this thread.

It’s actually making me slightly apprehensive about the wedding. It’s not that I want everyone looking at me (centre of attention is not my natural habitat), but I would love to have a drama-free day where we can all enjoy ourselves and where I’m not absolutely cringing at DM’s every interaction. My DP says I shouldn’t worry because nobody thinks it reflects badly on me, but I can’t help but feel my ILs must be quite bemused by her. 😕

She’s also discussed with MIL other weddings she’s been to. MIL was saying about a very flash one she’d been to which cost about £40k, to which DM immediately replied that her godson’s wedding cost £45k (even though she’d told me previously it was 40…)

That saying ‘if you’ve been to Tenerife, she’s been to Elevenerife’ is very apt. It’s quite wearing.

All best to all of you dealing with similar behaviour. 💐

Oh my. I’m reluctant to share too many anecdotes online, for fear of where they’ll end up, but mine told me shortly before my wedding that people might have told me that I’d be the centre of attention, but such people were mistaken because the centre of attention at any wedding is the mother of the bride. I tried to find words to reply, but realised it would be pointless.

It’s taken me a while, but I’ve just watched a YouTube thing with Dr Sherrie. It was quite helpful.

My DM always had to be the centre of attention even at funerals. I just used to ignore her (when I was speaking to her). Having her do the wailing widow at my DF's funeral (they had been divorced for nearly 20 years) nearly did me in.

With my DM though no matter how much attention she had it was never enough. I really do not know what she wanted.

My mother had be the centre of attention too. Any event that wasn't about her was sabotaged or included some performance to bring the attention to her.
For example on my 21st birthday she threw me a party but only invited her friends and spent the entire time complaining about how ungrateful I was while expecting me to cater to her and her friends every whim.
When my sister got married she decided she was ill, she wasn't ill, and wasn't coming to the wedding and had to be persuaded to show up so that my sisters day wasn't spoiled

Oh god yes, the coaxing and the sabotage.
Had that for years and her grandkids still fall for it. I just say oh right you can't come because of X? never mind, but the grandkids are on the phone, "oh please nana come, we will pick you up and drop you off and save a seat for you and blah blah blah". They are just starting to see it now as adults and hopefully they will stop coaxing her to join, because she always ruins it.

Funnily enough, when it's an event about her (ie significant birthday) there is never any reason she can't come.

Any family event she isn't the centre of attention, she will act like a stroppy sulky teen and make things as difficult as possible.

It was three months before my mum found out daddy had died. Everyone was sworn to secrecy. She went nuclear.

My eldest understood finally what my DM had put me through when he married someone whose own mother is a complete drama queen. He shut her down fast

user1471538283 My heart reaches out to you. I so relate to the wailing widow thing.
Every situation has to revolve around my mother. No matter the circumstance.
I had surgery in my 20s, my DM was so upset for me that she took to bed and demanded a full meal service on a tray from me for weeks.
My father became seriously ill when I was 12, was the start of a terminal illness- again it was all about "her husband", and she would sit weeping at home, no compassion for me as a child having my father in a bad state having to phone emergency services or sit with my father in intensive care.
How much do we forgive or hold compassion for parent who have damaged our self esteem?
I find that idea quite hard to navigate.
Broken people themselves, but but willing or able to change.
Quite sad really.

My late mothers little gem was “ I rue the day you were born” I grew up with that.
She also loved to compare me to my brother and her friends daughters “ why can’t you be like them”

She lied about me, damaged my relationships, told me that people didn’t like me.

At 36 I had cancer and 3 children, the youngest was 5, she came to help when I got out of hospital, she sat looking at my huge wound and drain……..then to my amazement asked me for some concealer, she had been to have a mole removed for cosmetic purposes and thought people had been staring and pointing at her, she then proceeded to weep because she didn’t want a scar.

My husband didn’t believe me, probably because she always took people to one side and told them I was a liar.

She died 30 months ago , I am now in my late 50’s and cherish every day I am alive and she is dead.

Oh wow Sago1. You have been through such difficult times, and your feelings including now are totally valid.
I am glad that you are your experience with cancer is behind you.
Often harsh words from our mothers land the deepest.

The centre of attention thing definitely - even if it’s negative attention, all attention is good in the narc’s eyes. The need to create drama and conflict and then stand back to either survey the damage or make themselves the victims.

My mother used to love winding up my children by teasing them - not fun gentle stuff, really quite cruel things, especially when they were little and then I had to pick up the pieces of a distressed youngster before an event or going out. Things like, “Your mum is going to get rid of you and get another baby” or “I think it’s time I put your teddy/favourite toy in the bin” Well loved cuddlies would also mysteriously disappear when she was visiting and then turn up in very bizarre places - again she would ‘pretend’ she knew nothing about it and say the children must have done it themselves.

She would then deny strenuously that she’d ever said or done such a thing and how could the children even think she would, followed by tears and more drama.

My DS when he was about 4 actually said to her, “Why are you always telling lies?” which I thought was incredible that he could even then see that there was some kind of manipulation going on.

@speakout - I cannot forgive her. Maybe it would make me feel better I dont know. It is hard to navigate everything even though she is dead.

Love to you all x

@user1471538283 Do you have a feeling - like I do - like there’s almost unfinished business and so many unresolved issues? Even though she is dead and I don’t miss her, I still want to make her answer to me for all the cruelty and manipulation. I know it’s something I need to come to terms with, and if she was still alive she would never admit it or apologise so it’s a bit of a pointless need, but if I could have had just one more chance to stand up to her face to face, I might be able to move on more successfully.

I think it is possible to find closure from abuse and manipulation.
And you still have opportunities even though your mother has passed.
My mother is alive, but elderly- I learned a long time ago that she was not willing to discuss things from my childhood. She will mention the time she bought me a dress and was ungrateful etc, but if I veer into areas I am trying to come to closure with she will shut down communication.
She also lies so much in general, including my childhood, like the ridicule, the smacking, makies me wonder if I have imagined a lot of stuff- I know I haven't, my sister has the same stories.
There is zero chance that I will ever have that meaningful discussion with my mother.
And I am ok with that. My healing journey moves on anyway, whether or not she is a part of that.
Part of coming to terms with my codependancy is not needing her validation.

That really resonates with me, speakout. I need to read more about codependency, but I suspect that’s why I was stuck for so long.

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas - there is unfinished business. But even when she was alive and I mentioned things quite reasonably she would either scream or be unrepentant. It didnt and doesnt help that her family do not get why I'm bitter.

She never once said sorry for anything including the vile things that were witnessed.

I think sometimes I want to scream things to her, list all the damage and consequences I've had from her actions and inaction.

Its the hate I feel that gets me. I hate so few people.

You’re entitled and justified to hate someone who’s so mean to you even when (especially when) that’s your mother so do t feel bad and try and find a way to release the feelings when they come - walking or other exercise is good for processing strong feelings if you’re physically able

@Caughtupinsomething the dm and df thing is exactly what I get from mine.
I only realised recently that df is narcissistic. For years I thought he was an 'innocent' bystander to my mothers selfishness.
On one occasion that he phoned and didn't check if it was a good time I was mid bath with the kids (maybe 4/5 years old)
After a couple of normal interruptions 'dd1 rinse the bubbles off' etc he angrily said 'I'll ring you back when you are less busy should I? When you won't be interrupted by then?'
I replied 'yep, about ten years should do it'
He didn't call for months!!