School head ordered my daughter to sit on her own

[coclala]

My 3 year old daughter woke up and asked for milk. Then she told me something and I am stunned.
She has a very close friend at school. She almost only play with her. In the parents meeting last week, her class teacher mentioned nothing more than she and that girl had a great relationship. In the meeting there was also head of pre school. The following is from my daughter : Today, the head came into her class and ask her to move to another table to separate her and her best friend. My daughter said no. Then she was asked to sit on her own. My daughter was scared to tell me that the head asked her to move the table. I was getting very emotional.

If you were me, how would you react?

I want to have a chat with the head tomorrow morning and ask her why she wanted to separate my daughter and her best friend before I send my daughter in. I guess we may have to change school if the chat was unsuccessful.

Firstly, i would not presume a 3 year old is a reliable narrator in any way.
I would probably not do anything, because it wont be the entire story.

If you need to, then ask the head but keep it low key and just ask for clarification.

Find out what went on.
Use some common sense.

That could be a dream, if she woke up in the middle of the night and said it!

Aside from that, I've recently learned the hard way that 3 year olds and the truth do not always have a fully reliable relationship, especially when it comes to reporting what happens at nursery... It's not that they 'lie'; it's just that their perception is different.

And aside from that, Today, the head came into her class and ask her to move to another table to separate her and her best friend. My daughter said no. Then she was asked to sit on her own. My daughter was scared to tell me that the head asked her to move the table. This could have been entirely innocuous. Maybe they were going to be doing different activities or something like that.

Try not to make a mountain out of a molehill before you've had a calm chat with the staff about it.

So maybe they feel the girls are too co dependent on each other and want to try and give them a chance to socialise with other kids. Maybe one girl has a stronger personality and the other is being given a chance to spend time with other kids. Your daughter refused to move, and there was a temporary consequence- I'd encourage her that the move to another table is a good thing, and that it gives her a chance to expand her circle of friends

I'm also not sure why you were so emotional? That's not meant to sound harsh. Kids move tables all the time- this won't be the last time, and it's not a decision they run past parents as it's not necessary to- usually parents wouldn't involve themselves.

I was getting very emotional.

In the nicest way, you are in for one hell of a ride over the next 15 years! I'd dial the emotional bit right back.

If you feel this is some mammoth incident (which it's not), then just have a quite chat to the relevant person saying your DD seemed confused about it and you'd like to be able to explain. Maybe the other child was sick of your DD or she was annoying them and the staff picked up on those signs and moved your DD. Who knows, this is a common thing with kids, happens all the time. rather than encouraging your DD to be upset, encourage her to expand her friendships.

. If I accepted everything my almost 3 year old DS told me about what happened at nursery, I'd not only have pulled him out but I'd also have called the police and social services by now.

Yesterday the bath, for instance, he told me that his lovely key worker had "hurt" him. Turns out that she caught her zip on his chin when turning round suddenly and he had a slight scratch. DS admitted it was an "axdent" when I asked him. I've been told that he doesn't like particular staff members, he "can't" play with his friends or that he was sad because he didn't get any food... usually means he's been told off for not listening, put in a different group or didn't like the lunch being offered.

Why are you getting emotional? It's nice that your DD is friends with the other child, but she should also be encouraged to make other friends as well.

I think you’re overthinking the situation without knowing the specifics or if this even happened. You’re talking as though this is a permanent change when they may well have been temporarily split up eg to do a specific activity, where the children needed more space.

I agree with others, you’re in for a bumpy ride if you get this emotionally involved in everything. It’s your job to reassure your child, help her through the difficult bits and advocate for her. Part of that is not running away and black and white thinking. All of this needs you to be an adult and not ride the roller coaster to the degree that you cannot help your child.

Bloody hell, stop getting emotional.

Just say to the class teacher that your DD has expressed confusion about why she has been moved and ask them calmly and quietly what prompted it, if anything at all. Don't take the word of a three year old as complete gospel. They can have wild imaginations. You need to check it out yourself first.

Take a big step back. If you are emotional and stunned over this, which is very likely to be a non-incident, then you will find the primary school years a very rocky road indeed. Friendships wax and wane all the time with young children.

My 8 year old told me he was put into isolation a few weeks ago, I mentioned it to the teacher, and its where a group of the quieter kids get put in together to have a bit of one on one time with a teacher.

I am still not sure why he called it isolation. And he is 8, so don't go in all guns blazing, just asked what happened.

Maybe talk with the teacher before going to the head? Could it be the other child's parents asked that they be separated? Maybe the other child is too dependent on your DD? And, as everyone has said, Do not believe everything that your child says. They get confused.
My DS at the age of 5 told me that they had a lion in the classroom to visit and everyone got to shake it's hand if they sat very still. He was insistent that it was a REAL lion, not a person in a costume.
Actually it was an author of a book about a real lion. They got to shake the author's hand if they sat still and listened. Guess who didn't get to shake hands?

I used to work in nurseries, this kind of thing happens alot - their strange need to make children 'socialise' at 3, and punishing them (isolation). It is one of the reasons I left, and one of the reasons none of my children went to nursery, just straight to school. Anyhow, I'll assume your daughter goes to a private nursery (rather than one which is part of an infant school). I say this because private nuseries are profit driven, so tend not to have an emphasis on childcare (apologies, just my opinion).
This is unacceptable OP, and you should pull them up. Don't let them sit your daughter on her own for any reason, don't let them put your daughter in isolation while she cries (they'll call this 'quiet mat'). She is 3 and should not be beibg told off by them for any reason, not in a 'learn by play' environment. Good luck OP.

@INeedNewShoes

That could be a dream, if she woke up in the middle of the night and said it!

Aside from that, I've recently learned the hard way that 3 year olds and the truth do not always have a fully reliable relationship, especially when it comes to reporting what happens at nursery... It's not that they 'lie'; it's just that their perception is different.

And aside from that, Today, the head came into her class and ask her to move to another table to separate her and her best friend. My daughter said no. Then she was asked to sit on her own. My daughter was scared to tell me that the head asked her to move the table. This could have been entirely innocuous. Maybe they were going to be doing different activities or something like that.

Try not to make a mountain out of a molehill before you've had a calm chat with the staff about it.

This is a good point actually.

All these mums on here telling you not to get emotional because the 'early years will be a bumpy ride' are talking rubbish, as far as I am concerned. The difference between now and 3 years time, for example, is that a 3 year old cannot articulate what happened, so you do have to be aware of what they're saying and not brush it under the carpet. That's not to say you shouldn't be calm and low key when asking, of course, but you are perfectly entitled to get emotional about your 3 year old and ask what happened. You sound like a lovely mum, and I'm sure it will be something and nothing, but you are right to ask them. X

Although it could be a dream/get the child pov...

I completely agree with ClaireP. At 3 a child should be playing and having fun. Are the tablespaces a covid thing? My child at 3 went to a preschool where she ran in and played with toys of her choosing.... apart from the cirlce time with a story, or if they were encouraged to have a go at thay days craft etc. Or a trip to the park.

I chose our preschool partly because they didn't do naughty step/quiet mat, but I saw them in action when I stayed the first time talk theough "why is x upset..." after someone had knocked something of theirs.

It was such a gentle caring place and my kids loved it. If they cane home crying at 3 Id be asking what happened (in my case they'd be telling me if she was upset and why, but if not Id want to know. Not in a "have a go at the leader" way but to find out ehat happened. If they were regularly upset or I didnt feel they valued my child's wellbeing I'd move if possible.

Ours was a community preschool run by a very experienced lady with amazing staff. I loved the days I helped out. It didn't have the facilities of the commercial nursery, but it had such caring ladies it was why we chose it.

Id not be a fan of anywhere sitting them at desks at 3 either usually. Playbased learning with freeplay is standard I'd thought.

But first do find out what is going on!

Oh agree again with Claire that at 3 its hard to articulate. It was normal for us to have a chat about how the day had been had preschool or if there's any problems. (Less so as they got older, but definitely at 3!)

I agree with the bumpy ride having done in excess of 21 years with each of mine. And the ride gets a whole lot bumpier the older they get.

Fasten your seatbelt!

I would delve a little deeper before jumping in at the deep end.

On a practical note, how often do the 3 year olds sit around tables anyway? Surely most of the day is spent in free flow provision so they can still play together?

Try not to worry, have a chat and find out what actually happened first, it will all blow over.

How much time are 3 year olds actually spending at tables? Surely barely any??

Saying you would change schools over a 3 year olds report of, presumably briefly, not being allowed to next next to a particular child is melodramatic.

One thing to consider before you get too upset and confront her teacher is to bear in mind that absolutely nothing she is telling you has the remotest shred of truth attached to it. Kids that age do make things up, it’s not unusual for kids to worry about something and then attach their own scenario to it as a method of coping. It doesn’t mean she’s a liar and she probably isn’t at all, kids that age don’t tell untruths in the way that older children and adults do, maybe she’s out of her comfort zone in school and this is a way for her to make sense of it and hopefully get some help from mum. Mine told a similar story when she was 6, and she wasn’t a kid who told untruths and so I totally fell for it but she absolutely wasn’t getting picked on by a group of boys in her class and having her lunch stolen, she was just very shy, scared of the boys as they were loud, and she hated the playground environment at lunch. She certainly needed love and reassurance and help from me and her teacher, but none of the frightening scenarios she was imagining were happening, she just wasn’t really emotionally equipped to deal with it. It’s really hard though when they tell you stuff like that, give her a hug and reassurance but not too much overdone sympathy as that may feed into it, and have a calm chat with her teacher.

What kind of place is it where a 3 year old has teachers, a head and a parents meeting? That sounds very regimented for such a young child

The story does smack of a small child's version of an innocuous incident, being stunned and emotional is a tad extreme imo.

Maybe the other parent wants them to be separated so her daughter has the chance to play with someone else for a change?

Just because your daughter only wants to play with one child, doesn’t mean the other child is happy to only have 1 friend.

You need to get a grip. Just ask teacher what happened. And no, it's never a good idea to only have one friend. What is she's ill or leaves. All children should be encouraged to play with various children at pre school, and to have at least a few friends.

but you are perfectly entitled to get emotional about your 3 year old and ask what happened

This is of course true, but that doesn't make an emotional reaction at this stage either helpful or appropriate. Especially if the DC can discern it.

I'd recommend a neutral approach 'oh, that sounds a bit odd, I'll have a word, now shall we have a story to help you get back to sleep' until you've found out a bit more.

Then check carefully with the setting what actually happened, and why (as far as they can tell you - if it is a request by from the other family they may not be able to say much)