School head ordered my daughter to sit on her own

[coclala]

My 3 year old daughter woke up and asked for milk. Then she told me something and I am stunned.
She has a very close friend at school. She almost only play with her. In the parents meeting last week, her class teacher mentioned nothing more than she and that girl had a great relationship. In the meeting there was also head of pre school. The following is from my daughter : Today, the head came into her class and ask her to move to another table to separate her and her best friend. My daughter said no. Then she was asked to sit on her own. My daughter was scared to tell me that the head asked her to move the table. I was getting very emotional.

If you were me, how would you react?

I want to have a chat with the head tomorrow morning and ask her why she wanted to separate my daughter and her best friend before I send my daughter in. I guess we may have to change school if the chat was unsuccessful.

Change schools?? Over one incident about moving tables? In the nicest way possible, you really need to get a grip.
You have 15 years of schooling ahead. If you get 'very emotional' and want to take your child out of school, over every perceived slight against her, you are indeed in for a rough time.
Calm down. Is she your first/only child, by any chance?

Do you have a good understanding of what goes on in preschool? Your description of it as “school” with children sitting around tables in fixed spots for what sounds like most of the day doesn’t seem right to me. It is more likely to be free flow play with short periods at tables for food, certain activities etc. My son would not know who the “head” of his preschool was, or have any sense of hierarchy- it’s all first names and cuddles there (though the teachers do enforce rules and behaviour as necessary, in a gentle way). Maybe your DD was talking about a seating arrangement over lunch?
You won’t be able to go in at the moment due to Covid but, in addition to clarifying what happened here, I suggest that you talk to the staff a bit more about how the children spend their day so you have a better sense of the classroom dynamics. We get videos via an app called Tapestry, does your do anything similar.

Oh and to the poster @ClaireP20 who suggested that private nurseries don’t care about childcare, I know you said that was your opinion but you absolutely can’t make a sweeping statement like that. If anything, private nurseries/preschools are more gentle and less school-like because often they are standalone and don’t sit within a school hierarchy, and the parents are very keen to make sure that the environment is exactly as they would want for the money they are paying. That is usually fun, caring, nurturing and gentle. You only have to look at the online recommendations local to me for private nurseries (endless threads in local Facebook groups; we have a lot of choice locally) and they are full of parents using those words to describe them.

You have a middle of the night chat with your daughter so far - what you need to do is calmly mention it to her teacher that she was upset and does she know what has happened because there are many options here and not many involve going nuclear at the school

A 3 year old giving a reliable narrative? 🤣🤣🤣

Chat with the head and a potential option of changing schools?
Why not just email the teacher in the mor ing. OMG OP, you’re going to be a fun parent when your daughter starts falling out with her friends once older 😬

If your daughter and her friend are being disruptive, not doing what they’re meant to do and missing out as well as ruining the session for everyone else, what do you expect them to do?
Separating them seems like a good plan?

At a nursery class (whether it’s in a school setting or a nursery), as with school, they need to balance the needs of the individual with the whole class.
This sort of thing will happen through their school career. They will get passed over for the advent calendar by mistake or have to do their presentation at the end, to just half the class. These things happen. They will have to partner the teacher for PE because all their friends are already taken. This is all part of growing up.

How would your 3yo know that the head was specifically asking her to move tables to split her from her best friend?
You're implying that the head came in especially to tell her "you must not sit with X".
Think about that. How likely is that?

I would suggest one of two possibilities:
Head came in, saw she'd finished the activity and asked her to move on because other children were waiting to do the activity so she was blocking a space.
Secondly your dd and her bf were being silly, and they were told they had to move to separate them because they were being silly.

It would be possible that at the parents' evening last week the other parent said that she was worried about the relationship, and asked them to encourage her dd to make more friends. But then you wouldn't get the head dealing with it, nor would they have told your dd.

I've had 3yos. They tell what they see, which is the truth as they see it, but not necessarily the correct picture.

OP, I really wouldn't worry about this. I work in preschool and I seperate children all the time. Mainly because they are messing about when I am asking them to focus or they are kicking each other under the table. This would be during a game or specific activity at snack time for example. Or maybe they need more space for painting, they do like to squash up.

It's all done in a nice "let's make some space" way or "come and sit with me so you can hear" but they do need correcting sometimes "you need to listen" or "gentle hands please".

This could have happened for so many innocent reasons. Sometimes there are misunderstandings as well. Children can get quite upset if they need to wait for a turn with an activity for example. One child of mine burst into tears because I insisted she wear a hi vis jacket for a walk to the post box non negotiable I'm afraid.

Your description of it as “school” with children sitting around tables in fixed spots for what sounds like most of the day doesn’t seem right to me.

She didn't say they sat at tables in fixed spots for most of the day.

If you're worried about it, have a quiet word with the class teacher e.g. x told me she was asked to sit alone yesterday. Just wondered why this was?

Whilst I disagree with it, I understand from a similar experience with my own child, is that school's don't like it when two kids are too dependent on each other. They try to encourage them to play with others, at least part of the time. Although from the sounds of it, the head was a bit too blunt.

@SoupDragon

Your description of it as “school” with children sitting around tables in fixed spots for what sounds like most of the day doesn’t seem right to me.

She didn't say they sat at tables in fixed spots for most of the day.

Not sure why you feel the need to be pedantic on OP’s behalf @SoupDragon. I said “what sounds like most of the day” on the basis am that the DS’s complaint was being separated from her friend so it would follow that this was more than a fleeting separation.

But does it even matter? I was just suggesting OP find out more about what the children are doing all day. Whether or not I am right about her current perception makes no difference at all to my advice.

DD’s complaint.

My son would not know who the “head” of his preschool was, or have any sense of hierarchy indeed, when I used to ask 4 year olds who they thought was in charge of the school they invariably gave the caretaker's name because he came in and fixed things.

I'd recommend a neutral approach 'oh, that sounds a bit odd, I'll have a word, now shall we have a story to help you get back to sleep' until you've found out a bit more.

This seems to me the perfect approach.

My MIL at the age of 90 still cringed at the memory of how she had gone storming into her ds' school 50 years earlier to demand an explanation of WHY they were teaching the 4yos boxing. They weren't. Dh to this day doesn't know why he told his mum they were.

My dd told me it was her brother (c 8 months at the time) who had written the first letters of the alphabet on the dining room carpet in felt tip pen. Ds at a slightly later date told me his sister had come home from school and done a poo in his pants.

But even if what your dd says has some truth in it, there could be a dozen different explanations, most of which have already been mentioned by other posters: it was time to move onto another activity, they were messing about, possibly doing something Covid unsafe or otherwise undesirable, they were arguing, the head or teacher wanted to speak to one of them 1-1 etc etc.

Young children need to be safe to tell stories that they have dreamt, or stories that they have got slightly muddled, or stories where they are deliberately concealing the truth without causing massive upheavals and falling-out between adults.

just calmly ask about it at kindergarten.

But don't give your child the impression that you don't listen to what she says and you don't take her worries and fears seriously.

What Brefugee says also matters.

The trick is not to give your child the impression you don't listen but at the same time not to give her the impression that she has the responsibility to get everything she says right because it will set a chain of events in motion.

That is a very scary thing for such a young child.

Why are you calling it 'school'?

We often have activities at school and in nursery where a set number of people can work at the table at any one time. If another child comes to join - it happens often that some will follow their friends and try to squeeze in. - we will tell them to find something to do elsewhere til their turn, often they will refuse and that will need managed. It might be a play based environment but they do need to learn to follow instruction. That's just one possible scenario. There are loads but a 3 year olds black and white account will very likely have more to it. It is wise for your dd to expand her friendship group as she gets older as it's not great to be reliant on one other child.

Why are you calling it 'school'?

From op's way of writing, English is not her first language. We lived abroad when dd's were small and nursery was always referred to as school as standard. Even if it's not the case it's a bit of a minor thing to pull someone up on.

It's not actually minor to me, school implies a formality and structure, and I just found it very confusing. And misleading.

This is a three year old so I'm finding all of this rather unlikely tbh. As in I don't think three year olds are reliable narrators. So I doubt any of this happened as op says.

My DC nursery class at a private school was DC aged 3. Uniform and sitting at desks and very much school.My DS wakes at night and got distressed that I didnt save him from the fish. He also relayed stories about having another family. If your so worried speak to the nursery but be prepared for a very different version of the truth.

@MiaowMix

Why are you calling it 'school'?

It might be a school. Some private schools start at 3. It’ll be a class like nursery but there’s still a head teacher and it’s technically a school. I don’t think this is the thing to focus on.

I doubt OP will be back anyway. I committed the crime of looking at previous posts and she generally doesn’t.

It's not actually minor to me, school implies a formality and structure, and I just found it very confusing. And misleading
My school had a nursery class attached and it was an integral part of the school. Some parents referred to it as school, some as nursery. The Head never walked in and moved children around, though.

AS also shows that the OP thinks her child is 'strong willed'. I'd say, going on the basis of this post (as well as her other few) that the child is increasingly becoming badly behaved as she's spoilt and expects to get her own way. No doubt the nursery are trying to deal with this, but the child and the OP don't like it.

And as for considering changing schools because of this ...

That's if any of this is true, of course.