School head ordered my daughter to sit on her own

[coclala]

My 3 year old daughter woke up and asked for milk. Then she told me something and I am stunned.
She has a very close friend at school. She almost only play with her. In the parents meeting last week, her class teacher mentioned nothing more than she and that girl had a great relationship. In the meeting there was also head of pre school. The following is from my daughter : Today, the head came into her class and ask her to move to another table to separate her and her best friend. My daughter said no. Then she was asked to sit on her own. My daughter was scared to tell me that the head asked her to move the table. I was getting very emotional.

If you were me, how would you react?

I want to have a chat with the head tomorrow morning and ask her why she wanted to separate my daughter and her best friend before I send my daughter in. I guess we may have to change school if the chat was unsuccessful.

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I've just had a quick look at OP's previous posts. She has talked about her DD being very strong willed and definitely just aged 3. She also talks about looking at sending her DD to a private school having enrolled her at a Montessori school early this year. I am passing no judgement, just wondering if maybe these things help make sense of OP's post?

I am always so amazed by how many people on mumsnet never seem to believe anything their children said happened at school? I don't know anyone in real life that wouldn't listen to their child and try to find out what happened. If you feel concerned have a quick chat with her teacher, I know I would.

If it's a Montessori then surely that's less likely being sat at tables?

I am always so amazed by how many people on mumsnet never seem to believe anything their children said happened at school? I don't know anyone in real life that wouldn't listen to their child and try to find out what happened.

We're not saying don't listen. We're saying, from our own experience of our own 3-4yos to listen cautiously, not to go steaming in assuming someone has done something wrong.

@earthyfire

I am always so amazed by how many people on mumsnet never seem to believe anything their children said happened at school? I don't know anyone in real life that wouldn't listen to their child and try to find out what happened. If you feel concerned have a quick chat with her teacher, I know I would.

Of course you listen to your child. You then have a calm word with the class teacher or key worker to ascertain what, if anything, actually happened. There may have been some sort of an issue (usually too minor to even bother discussing), or there may have been nothing at all and the move was for an entirely different reason.

I am always so amazed by how many people on mumsnet never seem to believe anything their children said happened at school? I don't know anyone in real life that wouldn't listen to their child and try to find out what happened.

If you believed what your child said you wouldn't need to "try to find out what happened" would you? You are saying what everyone else is - that you should go and find out what actually happened.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Also confused about her having a class teacher at 3?

Why? I was a teacher in a school nursery (2 different schools) for 20 years followed by 12 in Reception. I'm retired now but there is still a fully qualified teacher in the nursery class. My daughter is also a teacher in a nursery class at present but has taught all ages up to year 6. If it's a school nursery class people will often refer to it as 'school' because it is part of the school.

@earthyfire

I am always so amazed by how many people on mumsnet never seem to believe anything their children said happened at school? I don't know anyone in real life that wouldn't listen to their child and try to find out what happened. If you feel concerned have a quick chat with her teacher, I know I would.

I don't think anyone has said that but a child's perception of what happened and why it happened may differ from what actually happened.

It isn't about not believing, it's about understanding that their comprehension levels of a 3 year old might not be perfect. Or that a 5 year old might be so caught up emotionally that th the missed something. Or than a 7 year old might not be able to see all around a situation etc.
It isn't about saying o don't believe you, it's about asking school to clarify

@earthyfire

I am always so amazed by how many people on mumsnet never seem to believe anything their children said happened at school? I don't know anyone in real life that wouldn't listen to their child and try to find out what happened. If you feel concerned have a quick chat with her teacher, I know I would.

I dont think anyone has said there should not be a quiet chat to start with that is entirely the right decision but with an open mind as to how the child interpreted it may well be very different from the truth.

Truth is very subjective and doesnt necessarily mean it is factually correct. Donald Trump geniunely I think believes he was robbed of the US election - that is his perception of the truth/reality whereas factually it is very different.

There are many sensible educationally driven reasons why this might have happened from the mundane to the fact they were talking and being split.

Finding out why is important so as the parent you can explain and reinforce the decision.

Being stunned/emotional and thinking about withdrawing from the school is not the place most would go to for what is actually pretty minor

Thanks for over 130 replies so far. Very helpful to me.

To clarify, my daughter is 3 years old not year 3. My daughter goes to a private school has pre school starts from 3 years old and she is the youngest in her class. They sit at the table to do crafts, learn phonics and numbers.... I am never allowed to go inside because of covid but I saw a video of the set ups.

My late night post was a worrying mum asking for advice. I only have 1 child at the moment. I read a few parenting books and those are all where my knowledge comes from. My favourite book is Whole Brain Child. I would like to help her to integrate her emotional and logical brain from a young age and hope her neuron fire and connect in an intelligent way that she will think positively and happily on her own. Sound crazy? Well I am trying to guide my daughter a good start of her life.

I do have my opinion on the teachers and pre school head. I don't think they are passionate about their jobs. They will do the minimum their jobs require. The head never had a smile on her face. The teacher and teaching assistant were not impressed. I visited a few private schools starts from 4+ and their teachers are more qualified in my view.

Now is what the teacher said. My daughter and the girl are best friends. She has 2 best friends and my daughter only loves her but would play with other kids if she had to. They play jealous games too to get each other's attention. They would be asked to settle on different tables if they make too much noise together but their behaviours weren't disruptive. She also said if my daughter wanted to sit on her own then she can. To me, the teacher wasn't interested to find out why she wanted to sit on her own. I know my daughter. She never wants to do anything on her own unless she was angry or upset. Someone might think I seemed over reacted or I am asking too much from the school. Well, all I want to say is that all kids grow up with or without understanding or how much they understand why they have these feelings, I want my daughter be able to manage her feelings from an early age. I wouldn't ignore any learning opportunities for her.

Look at our adult world, some of us are suffering from all sort of problems emotionally. We learn how to go through emotional turbulence at a much later age. I am the same and I am still learning. I wish I was given the chances to explore my feelings when I was little.

Not only one said get a grip? Yes I can but not simply forget the problem then carry on. The neuron fired and connected to the forgot button but the bad feelings still there. It's like a seed. It will grow into a bigger problem if avoid facing it.

Yes but the flip side of that is OP if you give it too much time and attention it becomes a much bigger thing that it needs to be. She does need to learn to be on her own without her friends

While I agree with what you say about bad feelings growing, OP, I think it is also the case that we can make problems much bigger for our children by reacting too strongly or presenting everything as a potential problem that has to be worked through- that can become quite exhausting and make the world a scary place. Sometimes teaching a child to move on is also a helpful thing we can do for them.

The other thing is that children who find that their parents react very strongly can become very wary in what they share at home, and that tends to become more pronounced as they grow older.

They need to feel listened to- but sometimes they also need to be able to rant without repercussions. Or to get things wrong without too many repercussions.

Haven’t RTFT, but if there were parent/teacher meetings last week, could the parents of the other child have asked for them to be separated?
Perhaps they want to expand their DD’s social circle?

Just go and ask the teacher what happened. No need for the drama.

This is I would like to help her to integrate her emotional and logical brain from a young age and hope her neuron fire and connect in an intelligent way that she will think positively and happily on her own.

You mean you'd like to teach her how to cope with situations? Lead by example by not overreacting!

One of the most important things you can teach your child is how to differentiate between an actual problem and a minor upset. How to develop resilience and not fall at the first hurdle. What you are proposing to do is modelling negative response to minor upsets (overreacting) which doesn't do her any favours.

Some people need to be alone to get rid of their feelings about a situation. You walk away and I’ve a few minuets to yourself. That is also a skill.

Conduct doesn’t always need to be resolved there and then.

You daughter being asked to move is a sign the teachers are aware of her anger and moved her accordingly.

That doesn’t make them wrong.

Maybe you should home school.

One of the most important things you can teach your child is how to differentiate between an actual problem and a minor upset.

This is another very wise thing said on this thread. If you treat everything as of the same magnitude it makes it harder for your child to learn the difference.

Just go and ask the teacher what happened. No need for the drama.

I think OP is saying she has now spoken to the teacher, and is recounting in her last post what she was told?

I don’t understand, however, why this is a big deal at all when the girls are only briefly at tables and can play together at various other parts of the day.

a codependent 3 year old? What next.

How the hell can you know she would never sit alone if you are being told she did? You weren't there and children are different at school to how they are at home. She may well have been sulking.

What is a 'jealous game'?

So did your daughter tell her best friends other best friend to move and get told she could move if she didn't want to sit there?
Or did she sit alone to avoid feeling jealous?

None of this makes any sense and it has nothing to do with how miserable you think the teachers look

Put her in the state sector. The teaching is usually better IME.
I'm sorry OP but you're creating a colossal psychodrama out of barely anything. Enough already .