MN Little Italy 21

[BananaGio]

Ciao tutte!!

When we lived in england and the kids were younger, their bedtime was at 8 and it was deemed late for english standards. But to be honest, 7 for be is dinner time.

we loved talking about bedtime on LI

mine is seasonal. dds are aged 4 and 2 and during the winter (esp this long, dark, bitterly cold one!) bedtime is between 7 and 7.30. this is chiefly due to the fact that since dropping her nap dd1 is exhausted by then and really needs it! now that the clocks have changed and the weather is getting lovely i try to keep them up a bit longer, and would ideally love to have a family dinner at 7pm then bedtime at 8/8.30; but it doesn't alwayds work as sometimes they are just too tired/grumpy. even so, they now go to bed more towards 7.30/8.

in summer when we are in southern italy bedtime is 9/9.30 which is considered insanely early by local standards! i would have nothing against a later bedtime provided they napped until much later- my cousins' dc sometimes nap from 2-5.30, but mine simply won't do it, and they need their sleep.

But i do make exceptions for parties etc without too many qualms

SInce the clocks moved we have tried to delay dinner and thus bed so when its nice we can go out. However minirosa is normally out by 7.30 and dd1 by 8.00 ( so not doing that well) they are tired- especially minirosa if she sleeps less in the afternoon. AT the beach it is generally later but in the Uk earlier so I can have a quiet meal onlt time of the year I do !

SOmebody needs help ......mil TROUBLE

Hi I'm I'm joining this as although I'm in UK I'm married to an Italian and I need advice from the more clued up on you as I'm making no headway in the last 16 years with my dh or his family.

Was pointed in this direction by a thread on AIBU re a lady living in Roma.

hei giveitago, we met on a smoking thread I believe.

What's been going on? Where is your dh from?

Hey - think we did - dh from southern italy - mountains about 2 hours from Naples.

I have issues - think I always did, but I stupidly put it down to cultural differences but now I just reckon his family are bonkers generally.LOL. OK don't mind them being bonkers but it does impact on our lives.

How bonkers? I'm sorry to hear that. Mind you, I have issues with at least 60% of the Italian population

Yep, I'm ashamed to say I've been with dh for 16 years (married early 8 years ago) so I should have kind of got the gist of any issues well before then. LOL.

He was fine when I met him - but now a bloody nightmare and I seem to have allow myself to morph into mil but without the respect or the adoration - not normal given mil is a proper country girl and I'm the complete opposite and my home town.

Gawd - so just to give you the jist is it normal:

Mil chose the rings and organise the wedding and not take into account my family's religious dietary requirements
I had NO say in the wedding at all
have to get involved in a fake wedding which involved weddings both in UK and Italy and money was involved (not joking)
mil staying in our flat 2.5 months at a time - single tickets but we have to go out an get her on her terms when it's convenient for her.
her and dh to be the couple and for me to be left to look after her so she OKish when with me but as soon as dh get home she gives him the low down of what I've done all day, how many phone calls I made, for how long etc and encourage him to be a complete shit with me
for sil to refer to me as the english mother at all times and for them to sigh at the though that ds is being bought up by me.
for dh to have last taken ds to the park in 2008
for ds never to speak to ds in italian so ds doesn't get the benefit of it.
for mil and dh to decide between them that it's great that I've found a job so am busy and to bring ds at 15months over to italy without me (it didn't happen but I was told that was what was arranged and I stopped it and marriage has been shite ever since)
at our wedding sil took one look at the money we made and her and mil just told sil's dp that they were getting married (with this money) and he's since become an alcholic
future fil's first question to me was 'how much do you weigh'.

And that's just for starters.

I do not think this is normal - how would you tackle all this. I thought - oh they'll get better once they feel secure but it's got worse.

Oh and I suppose what says it all is that I speak far more Italian than my dh speaks English yet I've never had one lesson or lived in Italy.

I think my dh hates it here and it's time for him to go home - alone.

Your dh' family sounds like a nightmare giveitago. A real, proper nightmare .
I've no idea how I'd tackle this.

Knew it franca!

I liked going to italy prior to being with dh as I went on my terms and it was lovely. I feel so sad that my only experience in the last 16 years is with this.

Mil came over when ds born and it was hell on earth truthfully as I had to prise ds off her to feed and the ONLY thing I said to dh is that I would breastfeed in my room alone (I'm an old woman who huge old woman breasts) even if I shut the door she would barge in saying what are you doing to make that child cry. Breastmilk dried up within a week. DH would tackle this but actually encouraged her and really it was a bad bad time - and my love for dh died at that point (the point when I had a c-section - could barely walk - was illegal to drive after c-section) and I was constantly having to walk to shops for mil etc (feeding more people) and she said to me 'my son is tired as he works hard' and I managed to do the ironing - put his shirts on hangars and asked him to put them in his cupboard and he sneered 'no love, I'm tired and I work hard'. Not nice.

Last time she came over I actually fought with her and told her that since ds birth (he was 3) I'd spent about 6 months with her but only 10 days in three years with ds, dh and I as a family - she didn't want to know and went bonkers - it didn't help as she's now gone underground.

It's got very bad - the thing about taking ds at 15 months - she's not evil but she's ignorant and it ended up with my dh threatening to kill me.

DH is depressed - he has a not very good job (but never could get a job in Italy) - he's stuck with his own community so never learnt the lingo and it's too late to change. He relies on me way too much and if we seperated he couldn't stay here as he's incapable of even making a doctor appointment for himself.

I feel sorry for him as he was emotionally and physically abused by fil - and mil just let it happen as she wanted to remain married to him (she was horribly young having my dh and his sister)- her words are the kids just have to get used to it - but fil also had a lover - very openly- and somehow dh's relationship with his dad was completely dictated to by mil ie if fil was nice to mil dh would go running to make things good (ie get them back together) - if he was being horrible to mil dh wouldn't talk to him - so not great.

But I'm at the end of my teather- I also remember the first thing mil and dh did when I was at work was to teach ds that I was 'difficult' and other things in Italian that are not nice - so shame they didn't teach him the language properly as ds is so behind his peers and I feel it's a wasted opportunity.

I'd prefer that dh goes home as he's not happy here which I can understand - but honestly he's not happy back with his mum either.

It's hard having a dh that prioritises mil over his own son. Particularly when he says that his own mum and sister are screwing him over but takes it out on me (not physically at all by the way).

Not normal eh? even in the deep south in a tiny little community?

giveitago, i am so sorry to hear of your experience. I am from the south, and i want to tell you, with a heavy heart, no, not normal. ignorance is no excuse for being evil or manipulating.

i hate giving judgey relationship advice on MN because you never really know how things are, but i would say, your first and foremost loyalty is to your ds, so you need to ensure he can be happy and safe, what that means in practice, i don't know...

Oh gosh giveitago, I'm so sorry for you.

I'm not sure if such relationships are the norm in little communities of southern Italy, I hope they are not, but I really don't know. I come from Milan, and def it's not the norm here.

I'm really sorry to hear this has ruined your relationship with your dh. Are you really considering a separation?

I'm off to bed now, "see" you tomorrow

Yes, I agree with masseuse.

Giveitago all that sounds truly awful
I agree with MM really.

Oh cheers ladies - I didn't think it was normal at all.

But I think I was in denial - OK - so it's going to be a bit of war now to regain ground ie dh - do not put your fucking ash on the floor - use an ashtray etc. and if I can't free some of my time up babying him then it's seperation.

What's stopped me up until now is that I did wonder how dh would tap into his Italian side without dh but given dh insists on speaking Italian to me but in limited english to ds, ds isn't going to get much from him anyhow.

Plus dh saying we're going to blah blah in july so you can learn italian - mil doesn't speak Italian (dialect only)!

Oh - but I'll go and take my credit card this time as how are you guys coping with double whammy of euro PLUS the price hikes. I went into prenatal in the after christmas sales and was shocked beyond belief. And chicco - forget it - £20 for a pair of pyjamas.

What are you buying for your kids that is not too expensive?And I will go and search it out.

Ciao a tutti! In my italian mil post it was suggested that a check out little italy. I am so glad that there is something like this.

I am living in Rome with my italian husband and we just had our first baby. I speak italian. I have been living on and off in Rome since 2003. We moved back to Rome in 2008 after living in Samoa for 2 years. But this time I have found it extremely difficult to settle down, it is almost as if I am resisting, and I have no idea why!

giveitago I have found cheap baby clothes in Italy in Oviesse or H&M. I don't buy anything in prenatal, that is just daylight robbery!

Hello Samoa, how old is yr baby? I think it must be difficult to settle anywhere after 2 yrs in samoa, is it breathtakingly beautiful?

Plus, I think it can also be difficult to adapt to life post baby... and if you have a small baby in a "new" country it is even more so.
As I said in my post on your MIL's thread (and btw, I'd like to say that again: your mil is very intrusive, even to italian standards!), I struggled a lot when my first child was a baby and we where in the UK, where I had no family and no friends with small children.

Giveitago: I get cheap children clothes from H&M, Du pareil au meme (a bit more expensive) and Oviesse is good for babies/toddlers (less so for older children IMHO). Nice clothes for babies and toddlers in UPIM too.

were not where

Ah and for the Italians abroad: Raimondo Vianello has just died

we need a new thread

Are you getting us one up and running F? I'll wait and post my missive on the new one!

ok, will do

here