Was he, is he having an affair?

[Bugsy]

For some inexplicable reason, still not sure why I did this, I looked at dh's text messages on his 'phone. I have never, ever snooped on him before (been together for 11 years) and I cannot explain why I suddenly decided to do it now.
Anyhow, I found lots of texts on his 'phone from another woman. Not explicit or obviously suggesting that he has had an affair but most definitely intimating a close friendship. The texts span four months and the last one was mid-December.
I am slightly at a loss for what to do now. One of dh's close friends was caught just before Christmas with his trousers down and has subsequently left his wife and 2 children. He has been widely condemned by our circle of friends and will be taken to the cleaners by his wife's solicitors. I am wondering whether DH was up to no good and was frightened by our friend's situation.
It would be very easy for DH to have an affair as he works abroad a great deal.
Does anyone have any advice or experience of such a situation?

Bugsy, it is weird that you suddenly looked at his phone, womens intuition (sp?). I wouldn't jump to too many conclusions if this is the only evidence you have. What nature where the texts, could they be from someone from work perhaps.

Around that time did you notice any other behaviour, change in appearance, buying new clothes, going out more often.

Can you not make up some reason why you were on his phone and say you can across these message, can you explain.

You will have to mention this to him if you are the sort of person who will let this eat away at you, questioning everything.

Let us know how you get on.

Good Luck

yuk Bugsy, I know how frustrating it is when your husband works away all week, especially when you've got a baby. You're pretty well grounded aren't you. You just don't know whether you are being naive in trusting in him when he is away! Maybe he showed some subtle signs of an affair recently, or maybe you just get to a point when your just needed to check on him. Either way now you've found something that is upsetting you, you've got to do something, else you'll drive yourself mad!

Have you heard of this woman before? does he mention her at all?

No, I've never heard him mention this woman's name and he does talk about women, it's not like I'm some mad, jealous type. She is definitely a work colleague as one of the texts refer to the division of the company he works in by its initials.
I've been trying to think about different behaviours etc but its so difficult when I tend to see him rather infrequently. He has definitely got more moody and short-tempered but to be honest that is since we've had children really. Things were a bit tense before Christmas but then our friends split up and I sensed he was making an effort and saying how lucky we were not to be in that situation. However, the novelty of that does seem to have worn off now and things are pretty much back to normal.
I know that somehow I will have to do something but I like to be in a position of strength and I certainly don't want to start hurling around accusations on a hunch. He's off abroad again in 10 days time for work and then a divisional conference, so I may just wait until after he gets back and see what appears on his text messages then.

It must be really upseting for you Bugsy, but you have find out what is going on or it will drive you mad.

Keep checking his text mssg and other stuff, like his laundery (tell tale signs of perfume, lipstick etc.)

Ask him outright and look him in the eyes to see what type of reaction you are going to get (twitching or looking down at the floor).

If you are still not satisfied, then get a private investigator to spy on him, but this has to be the last resort. You may lose all of his trust and it may be impossible to get it back, if you still want to work on your marriage.

Best of luck

Sadly Bugsy you are not alone in this situation.If you look under Relationships for a thread called "to confront or not confront" you will see that there are several of us who have had similar problems.Unfortunately I am one of them.Not a lot of advice really.I have all along come straight out and asked him whats going on-mainly cos I can't keep quiet about things.We have had many arguments over the past few months, but recently it has all been settling down a bit.I still don't know just how far it all went-guess I'll never know for sure.He says one thing and I believe another.Whatever happened I'm pretty sure its stopped now.Our relationship will never be the same again though and I have at last pulled my finger out and am making contingency plans so that if in the future (when my children are older) I want to leave I'll be in a position to do so.
I can only advise you at this stage to have it out with him and then take it from there.Do post whenever you need support I found just the fact that people care enough to suggest things a great help - especially as at first I didn't talk to anyone else about it.Thinking of you grmum

Bugsy, if I'd discovered those messages on my dh's phone, I know it would niggle away at me so much, however many times tried to explain it away to myself. I would have to take things further in some way.

You can, of course, ask him outright, but as you say, and I agree with you, you don't want to hurl around accusations unless you are in a position of strength. Right now, he has the moral upper hand - he can accuse you of snooping on him.

But, I think you need to find out more to see if your fears are well founded.

FWIW, I think you need to surprise him, see what his reaction is when you catch him off guard. Suggest something totally unexpected. I know you have a baby and so that means you are less mobile and spontinaiety will be hard, but would any of the following suggestions work practically? ( remember you are not necessarily indending to carry them through, they just have to sound plausible)

How about suggesting you visit him for one of his work trips abroad? or say some good friends of yours will be in the same foreign area as him and how about meeting up with them after work? Or suggest holding a party for some of his colleagues? Or, when he is back in England, turn up by surprise at his work as he is leaving one evening with a restaurant booked for a meal? Or say that one of your friend's older children wants to get a work placement in a department like his - could he set the ball rolling? etc etc

Anything really that links his work life with you. And make the suggestion when you are face to face with him. If he seems really uneasy or evasive then you will be able to note it.

It must be so hard to detect any changes in your dh if he is not at home for long periods of time. I really feel for you here.

And as you say, if the text messages stopped in December it looks like whatever happenend or didn't happen could be at an end. And also, the woman who sent the messages might have had a crush on your dh, and he managed to extricate himself from a potentially awkward situation and that was that.

I do hope you get to the truth, and hope it doesn't take too long. That waiting feeling is not pleasant.

Bugsy - you MUST have it out with him, otherwise it will eat you up. It MAY be nothing at all - my DH (also away on business a lot) seems to have an incredibly jokey, over familiar relatioship with his female colleagues - yesterday I spent most of the day in the car with him & couldn't believe how pathetic & immature some of the calls he received were - young female staff ringing him to bleat on about what they did at the weekend, who they shed etc etc - I was quite horrified but he said it's all part of office banter & maintaining good relationships (!!).

However, the only way you will know is if you face up to your DH, good luck, I know it won't be easy.

Bugsy, where is he going for those 10 days? Could you not arrange a babysitter so that you can surprise him for one night by turning up? As it's nearly Valentine's Day you have the perfect excuse.
To get to the bottom of this you have to either be upfront or very, very devious. I would be devious until I had all my facts. If you cannot get a babysitter I would call him in the evening on his mobile phone, but as your number would come up, I would use someone else's phone, so he doesn't know it's you calling. You can tell a lot by a person's voice and background noise! Also I would send a gift to his hotel, but leave it anonymous. After all, why would you need to sign it? Who else would be sending him gifts? Then see if he mentions it to you when you phone him later that day (before he has a chance to speak to possible other admirer about it).

If you want to confront him about the text messages, I would ask to borrow his phone on some pretext, to send a text to a friend. Then you have the opportunity to stumble on them by accident! See whether or not he is reluctant to lend you his phone. Is this person listed as one of his personal numbers? Again, you could phone the number by 'accident' trying to phone one of your own friends, see how she reacts when she answers the call.

I hope you are proved wrong. But remember, if he is innocent then he shouldn't feel as though he has to defend himself too vigorously should you decide to confront him. He also shouldn't be annoyed at you for peeping at his text messages, not if he has nothing to hide that is, I am forever using dh's phone and reading his messages, as some of them relate to me anyway. Good luck, hope all is resolved soon.

Bugsy, sorry to hear this. If it was me I'd be completely incapable of keeping quiet but then, I am a blabbermouth of immense proportions! Some good suggestions here but only you know what will be likely to get an honest response from your DH. 3 things strike me - 1, you looked at his messages when you never have before which suggests to me that something was subconciously worrying you, 2, he's still got them in his phone. Maybe it's just me, but I delete messages after a while to make space for new ones and I only used to keep dp's lovey dovey ones when we were first together. Does he normally delete messages? (maybe you wouldn't know) Are there others from other people in his inbox from around this time or earlier? If not, then I think I'd be worried and 3, you've never heard mention of this woman but she sends him texts. Hmmm. Only you can know though whether this adds up to anything or not. Good luck, I hope it's all innocent.

Bugsy - I know that I have many text/email conversations with men at my work and the majority I don't tell dp about as I just don't put any importance on telling him. They are sometimes very flirty conversations, but there never has been and NEVER will be anything in it. I just wanted to tell you this to maybe out your mind at rest a bit.....

BUT

I think you should ask him about her. If it is just flirty office banter then he should be open about it. You'll know by his reaction I'm sure. But you NEED to know and before he goes away or it'll eat you up inside!

Good luck.

Thanks GRUM, went and read the "to confront" thread. It was spine stiffening stuff. I know that I will have to say something but I need to get my head around the hows and whens a bit first.
The text messages, while not sexually explicit were flirtatious and nearly always a response to something of his, so I can't pretend that it is someone with a wild unreciprocated crush.
He also went out with a mate yesterday evening and this morning I checked his texts and there were 5 messages from a different woman arranging to meet up for drinks beforehand. This was a different woman from his office, who I have never heard him mention. I subtly said to him "Poor you, did you have to hang around at the office until 8pm last night, waiting for X" and he said "well, it wasn't too bad - I did find someone to have a quick drink with me." Hmmm, she texted him at 6pm to say she was just on her way. That's two hours of a quick drink!
He definitely wouldn't have mentioned this unless I had pushed him as to exactly what he had done with his time.
Tigermoth, good suggestion about trying to involve myself more closely with his work. However, it is so difficult when the majority of it is abroad, alot of it long-haul stuff. I would love to join him in some of the wonderful places he goes but with my own work commitments and two very small children it is incredibly difficult. Some part of me feels that I shouldn't have to either in a sense of trying to remind him of our relationship. I work hard at being a good partner and I'm just not sure I have it in me to stretch myself any further.

Bugsy, are you the sort of person who things like this do eat away at? And what situation would you want in the end if he WERE having an affair? What's more important to you, honesty, or fidelity?

I feel a bit differently to most of the others on this thread. But I certainly wouldn't start snooping and getting private investigators. I'd either ask him straight out or I'd forget about it. And I'd work hard on making ours a better relationship. Oh my God, I'm Jennifer Aldridge...

Actually, to be honest it sounds like he needs to start working hard on your relationship, not you. Any way you can encourage that?

Phillipat, who?

Sorry breeze, that's an Archers reference. Please ignore.

So many helpful tips here. Thank you all very much. Very good point Phillippat about where I want to end up with all of this. I keep asking myself the same thing.
Mum2Toby, completely accept your point about flirty texts/ voicemails etc. Working with a couple of City Boys, I'm well used to all that stuff. However, I have nothing on my e-mail or my texts that I wouldn't be happy for DH to see, although I obviously don't tell him about all of them - not enough time or interest.
The texts on his 'phone I read were more suggestive of an ongoing relationship of some sort, some were matey, some very friendly and some flirty. If I had sent them, I would be extremely uncomfortable with my DH reading them - if that makes sense.
I am very capable of waiting, so I've decided to check his texts as often as possible in the short-term, so try and keep a track of what may be going on. I also think that if he is going to be pursuing any 'outside interests' then his divisional conference will be a key time (sadly abroad, so no chance of me popping along as a surprise!).
I'll keep you all posted and thank you again. I was desperate to talk to someone, without involving a friend in my marital affairs (so to speak).

Nothing to add Bugsy. But good luck and I sincerely hope it amounts to nothing.

I hope so too. You know your own dh Bugsy, and whilst we can say 'Oh, it SOUNDS like he is doing' a/b/c, we are only guessing. Only you know what those messages said. Office banter can often be flirty, but I would have thought that you would know that difference between that and messages that obviously mean something. In his defence, he might be 'harmlessly' flirting, and just enjoying her company, without considering the obvious pain it would cause you if you found out. Men often think that because they have not shagged a woman, that nothing is going on. Whereas, for a woman to keep meeting a man for a drink, it usually means that she likes him. If she fully propositioned him, he would probably run a mile, waving his wedding ring in her general direction!

Anyway, think very hard about whether you really think he is doing something. If you do, then you have to ask him, and unless he is a master of body language, something will give him away if he lies. But, do you really want to know? What would you do if he was doing something, but he said it would never happen again? I think you have to have a plan devised with your responses handy. Good luck. I have often said that if dh did anything, I would rather not know, because ignorance can sometimes be bliss! Just call me an Ostrich!

Just a thought - but do the messages show the number the text was sent from? If so find his phone bills and see just how many calls/texts he's made back in return. Might give you an idea as to whether the attention is unrequited.

You could always ring his office whilst he's away or get a friend to do it just to check he's where he says he is. Good Luck.

If they were really from someone he's having an affair with, wouldn't he just delete them straight away to avoid being caught? Or are men just stupid?
I don't know. I think you'll just have to keep monitoring the situation. FWIW, I was once in a relationship with someone who was cheating on me and there were no outer signs at all. Not a sausage. I didn't find out until the girl involved blew their cover.

Just a thought but have you asked your DH or his secretary for a copy of his itinerary when he travels? My DH's sec automatically emails a copy so I know where he is staying in case i need to contact him. From your point of view though it may also show who he is travelling with and where he is staying. One friend of mine realised DH was having an affair when he called her early one morning from his mobile and when she called back the hotel he was not staying where he had said he was.

I think surprise phone calls are the way to go. Making calls to him in the evenings, on any pretext, just to check that he is a) alone and b) where he says he is. You can also call the hotel pretending to be his secretary and checking up on where he is and what he is doing.

It's all very sneaky granted, but if he is innocent then he never need know, and if he isn't, then he has no room to berate you for being sneaky!

Bugsy, so sorry to find this thread here. Agree very much with Philippat about whether you want to know all if the relationship(?) is over now, being an issue to mull over. Before we had ds I would have definitely placed myself in the "no second chances" category and immediately confronted dh in this kind of situation. But with a family to consider now I can see that I might be able to forgive a previous, undiscovered lapse at a later stage.
Agree also with others that a surprise phone call to the hotel might be in order. I can imagine that arranging to turn up in person would be too difficult to organise and a nightmare emotionally. I couldn't do it, I know.
Glad you find the support of Mumsnet helpful. It can be such a relief to pour out your heart and get such wise and compassionate advice, can't it? I was able to speak more honestly about our situation last year on here than I could to some friends and family, and the kindness and understanding I got back was spot on because I could be frank.
Let us know how you are doing.

Bugsy, Valentine's day looms and this could be the perfect time to surprise your dh in some way.

I agree that surprise phone calls are a good idea (and not just on Valentine's day) also what about that suggestion of a surprise gift with no name of sender? or send two gifts - one from you and one unnamed. It would be interesting to see if your dh owns up to receiving both gifts or just the one he knows is from you.

Or somehow ensure that your dh forgets to take his mobile phone to work on valentines day (invent a last minute crisis of some sort to divert attention)...and see who phones up. Don't know much about texting, but the advice here on finding out who sent what etc could be very useful.

Agree that jetting off to see your dh at this conference is not very practical.

As for making a decision about what you would do if you found out the worst, if I were you I think I'd find out more first, see if there was anything to worry about and then think things through before any confrontation.