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Original poster

Was he, is he having an affair?

166 replies

Bugsy · 11/02/2003 12:16

For some inexplicable reason, still not sure why I did this, I looked at dh's text messages on his 'phone. I have never, ever snooped on him before (been together for 11 years) and I cannot explain why I suddenly decided to do it now.
Anyhow, I found lots of texts on his 'phone from another woman. Not explicit or obviously suggesting that he has had an affair but most definitely intimating a close friendship. The texts span four months and the last one was mid-December.
I am slightly at a loss for what to do now. One of dh's close friends was caught just before Christmas with his trousers down and has subsequently left his wife and 2 children. He has been widely condemned by our circle of friends and will be taken to the cleaners by his wife's solicitors. I am wondering whether DH was up to no good and was frightened by our friend's situation.
It would be very easy for DH to have an affair as he works abroad a great deal.
Does anyone have any advice or experience of such a situation?

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 22/02/2003 21:08

Bugsy- I'm sorry. This must be dreadful. You sound so strong but also, naturally, completely devastated. You really don't deserve this one little bit- agree completely with WWW that it is not your fault and you shouldn't feel guilty or responsible just because your h has felt unhappy. Having an affair is no way for him to express his depression. Hope that things work out for you whatever you decide to do re having your husband stay or go. All my love. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Original poster
Bugsy · 25/02/2003 10:48

Thank you Tamz & Indie for your experiences and to everyone for all your support. DH is away now for 11 days and the relief of him not being in the house is immense. I have the counselling all set up for the evening after he gets back and hopefully that will give us the opportunity to talk that we haven't really managed so far.
As time goes by, I can see that if I want to make a go of it then things have got to change radically in our house. I have been far too low maintenance and I think that has been part of the problem. I have been ploughing away loyally, putting 110% into our relationship, running the house, organising his life, absorbing all his work and emotional baggage and getting little back other than a roof over my head. So, IMO he has taken me completely for granted and abused my trust too.
Its strange but I feel that whatever I decide will possibly one of the most important decisions I ever make. Deciding to get married was nothing on this.

OP posts:
mum2toby · 25/02/2003 11:01

Good luck with the counselling Bugsy. I must say you seem to be WAY more understanding than I'd be!

breeze · 25/02/2003 11:01

Good luck bugsy with whatever you decide.

prufrock · 25/02/2003 12:11

Good luck with your decision Bugsy. But please don't fall into the trap of believing you have to change. Yes, it probably would be good for you to become a little more selfish and less giving to him, but that is not the reason he had an affair. He had an affair because he was a scumbag. Not because of anything you did.

tigermoth · 25/02/2003 12:41

good luck bugsy. Agree with the others who say that you must not think you are not to blame for this.

If you are phoning your dh during his time away, I hope things are going OK.

Marina · 25/02/2003 13:32

Good luck Bugsy. I am a great believer in the helpfulness of counselling, but you may find the first session very difficult and painful. Stick with it, because with the right counsellor it does become so much easier and better.
We'd love to see you at one of the meet-ups sometime. Mumsnetters can make you feel welcome and relaxed even when you have gone public on an extremely hard time in your life, so please don't feel anxious on that score.

NQWWW · 25/02/2003 14:39

Bugsy - have just read this thread for the first time, and am very sorry to hear about what has happened.

A friend of ours was unfaithful with a colleague at work (his group secretary - now we're talking unimaginative) and his wife had her suspicions confirmed by finding things around the house which showed he'd been having sex with her there, confronted him with it and he confessed that the affair had been going on for a number of months. He claimed to have been trying to end it for a few weeks, but as they were about to leave Australia to return to the UK, he had thought that the affair would shortly be coming to an end enyway and she'd never need to know. They didn't have kids, but had been married for a number of years and were thinking of starting a family.

She was immensely hurt, and for a long time no-one was sure which way things would go. She returned to her family for a while, and they both took separate holidays to have a complete break (they had been planning an extended holiday together, and they both still went, but she changed the time of her trip so they weren't together). He knew how much he'd hurt her, and looking back said he couldn't quite believe what he'd done, and made us believe how much he regretted it and how determined he was that if he won her back he'd never make the same mistake again.

It took a lot of work, but they are now happily back together and have 2 kids. I did pluck up courage a couple of years ago to ask her whether she trusts him, and she said not implicitly as she used to, but that she felt he was now less likely to have an affair than someone who had never had one and who therefore hadn't been through the repercussions.

So, while it may or may not be right for you, it is possible to get past these things in some cases. I definitely agree with you on the enormity of the decision you're facing and wish you all the luck in the world in whatever you decide to do.

bayleaf · 25/02/2003 21:37

Wow - Bugsy I'm so sorry for the way this has turned out - I last read this thead just a few days ago when it was all a vague suspicion and probably nothing... How quickly our lives can be pulled from under us - and how many of us are reading this thinking''there for the grace of God go I'?
I don't have any personal experience of this - but do via friends - there are plenty of marriages that survive infidelity - and certainly brief flings like this - I think the real killers are the 'going on for years' type which are almost as intimate as the marriage. I'm not at all sure how you get through the bit where you just can't bear to be near him - but if you do want things to work - and you're both prepared to go for counselling - then there's every reason to believe it can work in the long term. Three of my friends have been unfaithful/been the victim ( all pre-chldren so less reason to stay together) and are still together and seemingly happy 8-10 years later.
At the moment though all you need to concentrate on is doing whatever will get you through the next few weeks in one piece. We're all rooting for you...
bayleaf
x

bloss · 26/02/2003 00:10

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Bugsy · 06/03/2003 10:06

Well, he arrived back late last night. Having been up since 5.30am, I was asleep. We are off for our first counselling session this evening and I feel very nervous about it. We haven't spoken at all since the night after I found out about his "momentary lapse of concentration" and now I feel there is so much to say, I'm afraid I may explode.
If anyone has any helpful tips for what to expect from counselling or how to make best use of the sessions, that would be very helpful.

OP posts:
Batters · 06/03/2003 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bumblelion · 06/03/2003 10:32

Bugsy, can't give any helpful tips unfortunately as I didn't go to counselling after my affair and now my marriage is over and I am on own with 3 kids and finding it very hard. I really, really hope that everything works out for you, but only if that is what you really want. Speaking from one who has been there but with the shoe on the other foot, I know that I wish my ex-DH had forced the counselling issue because then we might still be together. Good luck tonight - will be thinking of you.

Original poster
Bugsy · 06/03/2003 11:18

Thank you Bumblelion. Read your post on the other thread and felt very sad for you at the moment. Its funny isn't it, you start out all bright eyed and bushy tailed and somehow or other we get forced into places that we never intended and just don't want to be.
At the moment, I feel as though an enormous switch has been turned off inside me where DH is concerned and at the moment I don't love him at all. I feel that he is not the man I knew, married and loved.
The reason I'm going for counselling is the hope that I can rediscover him and my love for him and that we can make a happy home for our children. I suppose the reason I am nervous about tonight is that I'm afraid I'm just not going to find him or the love I had.
Big sighs and very gloomy face.

OP posts:
tigermoth · 06/03/2003 12:04

bugsy, wishing you all the very best for this evening. Hope it helps to move things on for you - it's awful being in limbo. You sound very clear headed about what you want, though. That's got to be a good start.

oxocube · 06/03/2003 12:31

Big hugs for this evening, Bugsy. xxx

gosh2 · 06/03/2003 12:37

Bugsy I have been reading this from the start and hoped that your gut instinct was wrong. I am sad for you. My DH works away a lot, and I fear this too.

I always hope that people can work out their problems, esp when there are children around. I know, I know that is no reason for someone to stay and be unhappy.

I know I would find it very difficult being intimate with DH again and being able to trust DH again.

I hope tonight will be the first part of the healing process.

xxx

star · 06/03/2003 12:39

Bugsy,good luck for tonight.

Podmog · 06/03/2003 12:58

Message withdrawn

addle · 06/03/2003 13:02

Good luck for tonight. x

mum2toby · 06/03/2003 13:02

Good Luck Bugsy (if that's the right thing to say!). I really hope you get what you are looking for and can move forward.

My thoughts are with you.

breeze · 06/03/2003 13:25

Good luck Bugsy,

Skara · 06/03/2003 14:19

Bugsy, I've been away from Mumsnet for a while and have just read this whole thread with sinking heart having been through pretty much the same thing 18 months ago when pregnant with ds1. I won't outline the whole miserable tale but dh and I went for some counselling with Relate which wasn't a resounding success as the counsellor seemed as disgusted with his behaviour as I was - I'm sure that's highly unprofessional of her but he and I both picked up on it. Text messages and emails have a lot to answer for don't they My dh met his whatever-you-call-them through a chatroom. Anyway, hope your counselling goes well and I can imagine all too well all the feelings you have right now. We're still together but I can't say it's been easy and some days I despise him for what he did which is apparently unhealthy (of course!) but imo perfectly natural. What p*es me off is that they say an affair is the manifestation of a problem in your relationship...like you I was low maintenance, easygoing, etc etc etc and yet it still wasn't enough. Some days I feel like I sold out staying with him - if I'm honest I would have left had it not been for the children - but having seen what a close friend has been through on her own it made me think very hard about my choices. That looks awful in black and white. Lots of hugs and thinking of you tonight.

EmmaTMG · 06/03/2003 15:28

Just to echo what everyone else has said.......Good luck and I hope you get the answers you want or at least start to get them.

sis · 06/03/2003 15:31

Bugsy, we went to relate (for different reasons than your counselling) and I have to say that the first session was the most draining experience I've had. I was totally exhausted - I think, because of the stress of the build up beforehand and the fact that we actually spoke about our problems to a third party (previously, we had only really discussed it between the two of us).

Our experience with Relate was very positive and we were given pointers to other sources of help where the Relate Counsellor did not have the expertise in particular areas. I wish you all the best and hope you find the counselling as constructive as we did.

sis