Was he, is he having an affair?

[Bugsy]

For some inexplicable reason, still not sure why I did this, I looked at dh's text messages on his 'phone. I have never, ever snooped on him before (been together for 11 years) and I cannot explain why I suddenly decided to do it now.
Anyhow, I found lots of texts on his 'phone from another woman. Not explicit or obviously suggesting that he has had an affair but most definitely intimating a close friendship. The texts span four months and the last one was mid-December.
I am slightly at a loss for what to do now. One of dh's close friends was caught just before Christmas with his trousers down and has subsequently left his wife and 2 children. He has been widely condemned by our circle of friends and will be taken to the cleaners by his wife's solicitors. I am wondering whether DH was up to no good and was frightened by our friend's situation.
It would be very easy for DH to have an affair as he works abroad a great deal.
Does anyone have any advice or experience of such a situation?

Oh Bugsy, I'm am so sorry to hear this,I've followed this thread over the last few days but didn't really have anything constructive to add and to be honest I still haven't but just wanted to add my best wishes to you.
Just follow your heart in whatever descision you make.
Good Luck.

Bugsy, like Emma, I have no advice to add but have also been following this thread and am desperately sorry for you and your children. Maybe there's something to be said for womens' intuition after all Lots of love to you and hope you are able to come to a decision about the future soon xxxx

Oh god Bugsy!! How awful for you... what a sh*t he has been!

I am a very spiteful person and I would be tempted to take him to the cleaners at the divorce courts! But, for the sake of the kids I know that isn't the best thing to do.

I know I couldn't work through this, I'd be too paranoid. But whatever you decide to do I'd just like to mirror what everyone has said. Good luck and be strong! Don't let him make excuses... there are none!
Thinking of you and talk to your friends soon. That's what they're there for and I'm sure they will be wonderful support for you.

Thank you all so much for your kind messages and your support.
I am determined to try and do the right thing by myself and my children, so I am not going to rush any decisions.
If it were just me, I would have definitely thrown him out on Friday night without any hesitation. I always vowed that I would never be messed around. It happened to me once and destroyed my self-esteem, so I said never again. However, I have two innocent very small children to think about too.
DH is really sweating buckets. He already found the name of a counselling service and he is being helpful around the house. I'd say in the short-term he is certainly prepared to put in some spade work. However, I am trying to ignore his pathetic pleadings about how much he loves me as I feel that this shouldn't be about him now, it should be about me and the children.
Can I ask, does anyone have experience of or know of people who have made it work after one of them has been discovered having an affair?
GRMUM, have you been able to resume the physical side of your relationship with your husband? (Obviously, you don't have to answer this.)

It happened with my Mum and Dad. My Mum found out my Dad was being uunfaithful when I was 14. My sis was 16, but my 2 bros were 1 and 4. He had been having this affair for years.

My Mum wanted to leave him, but was scared as she was an SAHM and had no financial security. She had full support from my sis and I. We all confronted my father and he ended the realtionship over the phone with us all standing around him.

That was 10 yrs ago and they are still together. I'm afraid to say it, but they are miserable together. And I wish they would break up as I think my brothers would be happier in the long run. Not a happy tale, but that's what happened to my parents.

i'm afraid this isn't a story with a happy ending either. I caught my ex almost in the act after I had been with him for about a year. I (semi) forgave him after he persuaded me to come back. I left for a few days and he literally begged me, weeping and saying he loved me SO much and how he would go for counselling. After a few months of healing I managed to put the whole episode behind me I thought. Three years later, he has left me for another woman. This is only my experience obviously, and all situations are very different. There were obviously deep rooted problems with our relationship anyway. Also our only son died of meningitis, so there were no children to worry about.

All I can say, is good luck to his new woman, who was supposed to be a friend of mine! Apparently she gets very jealous of him even talking to good female friends of theirs. Ho ho ho!

I hope you can sort out the best solution for the whole of your family.

HUGS.

Oh Bugsy, so sorry to read your message, I was thinking of you over the weekend wondering how you were doing, - what a horrible time it must have been.
Take care, and good luck with how you decide to deal with this, love, jemw

Bugsy, just wanted to say thinking of you and your little ones.

Bugsy - really can't say anything that hasn't already been said, all of which is eminently sensible advice. I haven't been in the same situation, but we did have a pretty rocky patch and separated for a while pre dd and went to counselling. It was bloody hard work, especially until we found someone we could both talk to, but I would recommend this at least as a first step before you decide one way or the other. If nothing else, it helped me to talk about things to someone else I didn't know - I found it really hard to talk to friends, as you get into the "I never liked him anyway" syndrome which isn't helpful if you then get back together. Lots of cyberhugs. munchbunchxxx

Bugsy, this is truly awful ... no constructive advice I'm afraid, but just want to say that I hope it all works out eventually and that you and your little ones will be happy.
Good luck ... CM

Bugsy, I am really so sorry to be reading this. I've no experience of living through the aftermath of a discovered affair, so can only imagine how hurt and betrayed you feel, for yourself and for your small children. I think you are definitely taking the tougher option by trying to rebuild your marriage and I wish you the best of luck in doing so. Keep posting here - we're all so cross and sad for you.

Two points

Munchbunch> so true about the 'never liked him anyway' comments. I got this from SO many people when we eventually did split after his 2nd infidelity.

Bugsy> I've been for counselling recently, on my own. I was initially very sceptical, but I eventually found it immensely helpful. It made me certain that I was making the right decisions and my counsellor made me look at myself in ways I had not previously considered.

bugsy, this has all happened so quickly. You first posted here just a week ago. You must be reeling from the shock. I am really sorry to hear your news and was thinking of you on valentines day and over the weekend.

I don't know what to advise you - but I do know how ANGRY I would be at the lies you have been told - I would be running through that confrontation on Friday again and again in my head. For me, it would be the lies almost as much as the act itself that would anger me. No wonder you feel that you don't want your dh to touch you. Anger is, ime, a huge anti aphrodisiac.

I have stayed with a boyfriend who was unfaithful to me, and we did resume a physical relationship after I no longer felt so angry with him, but things were never the same for ages. For a good year I acted out of character, made myself as unlovable as I could, tested him, made him do all the running, until I was absolutely sure he would not stray. I knew exactly what I was doing, (couldn't stop myself doing it) so did my boyfriend, and he stuck with it until it was out of my system. He was living with me, we had no children, so I could pop in and out of his social life as I pleased, just to make sure there were no secrets. I did build up trust again in him but it took lots of time. We parted in the end, but not because of his affair. I don't know how I would have managed if I had two children and my partner was working abroad, socially out of reach for long lengths of time.

Someone warned against telling too many friends of this, because of the 'I never liked him anyway' responses - and what happens if you both stay together. I second this advice - I found it hurtful to hear good friends trash my boyfriend, even if they were doing it to shore me up. In some ways it released tension but it also added more negativity to everything and made me feel I was no good at picking a nice man. I felt much better confiding in those friends who could still see some good in my boyfriend amidst the sympathy they gave me, and were positive about our past relationship. Hope you find a good counsellor too. I have no experience of this so can't add more.

I suppose one obvious thing you must have looked at is whether your dh could leave his job or change his work pattern so he travels abroad a lot less. Now the cards are on the table, could you insist your dh finds a way to work in this country? If this is what you want, you have a very good reason for making this a condition of him staying with you. Or indeed any other major change that keeps you all together on your terms.

Sorry it this is way off tangent, since I am speaking from my own experience only, but IMO it is no good your dh thinking that a couple of months of treading on eggshells, and a few counselling sessions and romantic meals out is all that is needed to make things work again. Don't let him believe this and don't believe it yourself.

Hope you get lots of love from your chldren this week and lots of support from the friends you confide in.

Bugsy
I've also been following this thread for a while, but didn't feel I had anything to add. Still nothing very useful I'm afraid but just wanted to say that I am so sorry and I cannot imagine how angry and hurt you must be feeling. Hope your girlfriends can offer you lots of support.

You always say the right things Tigermoth! I am in awe of your posts usually.

Really sorry to hear this Bugsy. I always said that I would never stand for an affair and would leave like a shot if my dh ever betrayed me. Yet if it came to that, I really don't know what I would do. Obviously something has to change. The trust has gone now and it is up to him to try to rebuild that and also give you some space to think and calm down. You need to find out why he did this, and would he have ended it if you had not found out. He cannot keep working abroad if it is too tempting for him (and let's face it, if you are alone in a hotel room, miles away from home, with little chance of being found out, most men would be tempted), but can this be sorted?

Take a break yourself, he has a lot of fences to mend so why not suggest that he has the kids for a weekend when he gets back, so that you can go away by yourself to think things through. Then when you get back you can start the counselling. Take it one day at a time, don't expect too much from yourself and don't let yourself get pressurised, he is in the wrong and it will take as long as it takes for you to make a decision.

I hope you can get through this. xxx

Bugsy, nothing constructive to add but just wanted to send a cyberhug to you as you get through a truly awful time in your marriage. Whatever you decide to do in the end, I hope you will be happy again.

Nothing constructive to add either, Bugsy, just to send hugs. xxxxxxxxxx

Bugsy I too am so sorry for you. I agree with Rhubarb, you should take some time out for you. I can't offer any advice really. I think it must be hard to rebuild the trust once you have been betrayed but maybe you can do it and if you can then you're a better person than me

Oh Bugsy, I feel like I've 'known' you for so long on this website, I feel like a real friend has been hurt

I can imagine what you're going through, and I can only put my tick against the counselling box. I know how relationships die when you're apart, I've only just realised this myself. I don't think you are under normal circumstances, really. I think if you saw more of each other and he didn't work away you might be able to 'fix' things. Not that that's a good excuse for what he's done, but maybe more of an explanation.

I hope for the children's sakes you can both give it a go, and he realises what he has put in jeopardy (and what a bloody excellent mother you are, putting your kids before yourself when you just want to kick him out the door!)

Bugsy, you asked if anyone knew of others who'd been through the same thing. A few years ago, one of my best friends confronted her husband and found out that he had been seeing someone else. Although she was devastated, she asked him to move out, and then got her solicitor to serve him with separation papers. Playing hardball certainly paid off, as he immediately focused on what he was about to lose. She didn't take him straight back, and a lot of talking and bridge building went on before they finally reunited. She says that you will never have the old relationship again, so you need space to see if you can build a new one; you can't plaster over the cracks. It also helped her self esteem, which was at an all-time low. I hope this helps a bit, anyway: best of luck.

Bugsy - Men seem to say the 'It was only once' thing, as if that makes it better! Once is still a betrayal. How awful for you, and I am so sorry that this happened to you. Keep your chin up, and remeber that we are all here to talk to if you want.

I hope counselling works for you. But IMO you need to do something about his constant absences. If he really wants to repair the damage he has done I think he has to stay at home with you and be part of his family again. I am very sorry all your suspicions proved to be true, but I'm not surprised, you sound like an intelligent woman.

nothing to add to the excellent comments here already. so sorry it has turned out like this. wishing you strength to achieve the best outcome for you and your family.

Bugsy I'm sooo sorry to hear your news. Its one thing to suspect but its another to discover its true. I think everyone is giving you brilliant advice and I don't have much to add except that from my own perspective I'm not sure I'd be able to forgive. If I couldn't forgive/forget then we wouldn't have much of a relationship and that wouldn't give my dd much of a home. For me there would be no doubt I would leave/ask him to leave etc. I would then be concentrating on trying to find it in me to build a new relationship with him that centred on continuing to raise the children as responsible parents living apart rather than a married couple. I.e. finding it somewhere in me not to soundoff about him infront of my dd etc. First my mother attempted to stay with my father (hell) but then once they split (definitely better) she proceed to always put him down in front of me. Being a young teenager (13) I lept to conclusions and was immedately awful to my father. I'm 33 now and we've not spoken since I was 18. He can't forgive my comments and I can't get over his inability to understand that I was a very confused child.

Basically what I'm saying is that I would only stay with my dh (post affair) if I could find it in myself to forgive/forget and I'm not sure I could. Its about you and how you feel. I wasn't sure how long you husband's trip would be but possibly you need longer with of course the kids to sort out in your own head where you want to go from here. Possibly a holiday (without him of course).

My thoughts are with you and Good luck!