Was he, is he having an affair?

[Bugsy]

For some inexplicable reason, still not sure why I did this, I looked at dh's text messages on his 'phone. I have never, ever snooped on him before (been together for 11 years) and I cannot explain why I suddenly decided to do it now.
Anyhow, I found lots of texts on his 'phone from another woman. Not explicit or obviously suggesting that he has had an affair but most definitely intimating a close friendship. The texts span four months and the last one was mid-December.
I am slightly at a loss for what to do now. One of dh's close friends was caught just before Christmas with his trousers down and has subsequently left his wife and 2 children. He has been widely condemned by our circle of friends and will be taken to the cleaners by his wife's solicitors. I am wondering whether DH was up to no good and was frightened by our friend's situation.
It would be very easy for DH to have an affair as he works abroad a great deal.
Does anyone have any advice or experience of such a situation?

Could you not pretend that he mentioned her name in his sleep and jokingly wind him up about it and ask him who she is? At least you wouldn't have to admit to reading his text messages and you could closely watch his reaction.

Bugsy, how about finding out this woman's name (if you can) and then ringing work when your husband is away to see if she is also away? I would probably get a friend to do it so no-one recognises your voice. Also as someone said, checking his phone bills to see if he is calling her at odd hours (ie outside work time) may show you have something to worry about or, hopefully, nothing to worry about.
I hope it turns out to be nothing, some people just get bloody carried away by texting and seem to spend their whole lives texting everyone they know.

Bugsy, I don't believe in seting traps and stuff.
Why not ask him outright? If he has not been having an affair he will say so and be concerned you thought otherwise.

Would you mind if he had been?

Bugsy- have no advice or wise words, though do think Jasper has a good point re: setting traps, but wanted to say how sorry I am you're going through this. It sounds horrible. I really hope your fears are unfounded.

You are all so kind & helpful, thank you. I cannot tell you what a relief it has been to air my feelings, without having to involve friends who inevitably know both of us.
It is so difficult to track him through his office. He is based in the UK so rarely, he has no landline at work and his mobile phone is fully paid for by his office, so I never see any bills. He doesn't have a specific secretary, he uses "support" staff in whichever office he is working from. He always tells me what hotel he is staying in and gives me a number. He goes out alot when he is abroad and I often speak to him when he is in bars, so I can't take anything from that.
I am going to send him two Valentine's cards - he is actually in the office this Friday - and see what he owns up to.
My gut feeling is that something is going on, not necessarily a physical relationship with someone but a relationship that he is not telling me about.
I feel depressed by the whole thing. I hate myself for being suspicious and snooping and I feel really sad that he is seeking companionship/friendship/sex/whatever outside of our relationship.

Bugsy,I'm really sorry to hear how you feel about all this.More or less everything that you write could have been written by me.My husband also travels a lot and is often in bars etc when I phone-that is his work-drinks buisness.
I personally don't think that traps etc do much good because IF something is going on and he is lying/not telling the whole truth there is nothing to stop him continuing doing so. You will have to talk at some stage and if one good thing has come out of my situation it is the fact that we have sat and talked about our marriage more in the last 4 months than we had for years.As I said before I don't know the whole truth and I doubt if I ever will.He has realised though how devastated I felt and I'm sure it is over now.To be honest I was surprised at quite how strongly I reacted - I always thought I'd be fairly open minded about these things.I still feel that I could have forgiven a one night stand more easily than this more long term relationship which he still insists was not a sexual relationship. Forgiving and forgetting is a different matter though.
If you wanted to contact me I am quite happy for you to get my e-mail from tech.Thinking of you. GRMUM

Sorry to read your message Bugsy. Please don't hate yourself for being suspicious, it seems only natural to feel hurt, excluded and wary in these circumstances. After all with two small childrem, you bear an enormous burden due to his frequent travel. I feel hardly done by enough due to the fact that I have to do all our domestic chores as well as work let alone if I so much as suspected my husband was somehow 'involved' with someone else!.

Although it's not behaviour I've ever indulged in, where I work this sort of flirtation is absolutely endemic. In a number of cases, while I know for a fact that there is no affair going on, it's almost impossible to believe otherwise given how close the relationship is and the incessant socialising etc etc. I'm sure you know yourself how close people can become to each other, particularly if working abroad and particularly if the girl is relatively young.

Thanks GRMUM, if things deteriorate I may well take you up on your offer. If you don't mind me asking, how do you feel about your dh now?
Interesting Bells about the close relationships you see in your office. I keep wondering whether it (they) are just that, sort of heavy work flirtations. I think it is probably the scent of omissions and dishonesty that really bugs me. IF he said to me, "I'm going out with x tonight for a few drinks, she's a good mate - do you mind?" I would say off you go. I would be vaguely peeved that on one of the few nights he is in the UK he was going out, rather than coming home to help me with the kids but that would be the same if he were going out for drinks with a bloke.

bugsy, hope valentine's day goes well for you.

Just to pick up on this femalis friends thing: my dh has made female friends from time to time and has several long standing one (one, now in another country, had a definite crush on him as well). He is a sociable and, I think, loyal being. I tell myself he will make friends with anyone if he wants company. I have at times resented the hours he spends in female company (and I hate myself for resenting this). In my dh's case he sees female friends almost always as part of a mixed group not one to one, so this is more OK by me. I feel fine as long as I have been introduced to the said friends (even if it's a hello and a quick conversation on the phone - I don't have to meet them necessarily) and sometimes join in the socialising, but I really don't like it if I am left on the outside all the time, and my dh knows this (and this feeling applies to his male friends as well).

To me secret friendships smack of lack of respect and are a type of disloyalty, even if the friendship is platonic. So I think you have every right to feel upset at the secrecy alone.

It must be so difficult living with someone who spends half their time on business conferences abroad. For your part it's not fair as you have no-one to share the burden of childcare with, or housework, you get no break at all from the chores and drudgery, and you must miss that close companionship. For his part, he doesn't get to see his kids as often as he would like, so misses a large part of them growing up, he spends nights in impersonal hotel rooms and he must miss that companionship too. The only difference is that he has more opportunity to be tempted, and less likely to ever be found out.

Would your situation ever change Bugsy? Or will he always need to go abroad so much? If he does admit to an affair or relationship of some sort, how would you change things? Also, don't jump to conclusions yet, he might just be missing some female companionship, but it may not be sexual at all. Flirty does not mean he is having sex, just reliving the boredom and loneliness of hotel rooms.

Bugsy - your comment about you not liking him spending time with others whilst in the UK is important - have you told him this?

It sounds as if family is the centre of your life but work is the centre of his - obviously he's missing out too, maybe you could turn your energies to sorting out that problem rather than concentrating on the 'worst' that is an affair?

Don't hate yourself - this is not your fault. Your dh is lying to you (eg 'a quick drink' is a couple of hours with a woman on his own) so no wonder you are suspicious. Frankly, if my dh was hardly ever in the country but when he was, went out AT ALL from work, let alone with lone women I don't know, I would go ballistic. You don't know me,but I promise my ballistic is worse than most people's. An ex-boyfriend told me he wouldn't be unfaithful to me because he'd be far too terrified to do so! I just wouldn't have it. Have you ever said how much you don't want him going out with other people when he could be at home with you & the kids? Why not book a 'surprise' dinner for two, and see what happens. Do you love your husband? Do you really think he loves you? Can you live with his behaviour? I don't mean a possible affair, I just mean his being away all the time both for work and by choice? You already sound like a single mum to me! Would it be so terrible to split up? What do you have to lose by confronting him?

Can't really add too much except that I'm a huge believer in (women's) intuition. When ever I've had a strong compulsion to think something which seems out of the blue, I've inevitably been proved right. This includes the same sort of thing as you've brought up, in one of my previous relationships.

I think I'd do some "digging" before confronting but perhaps not to the extent of some of the suggestions here and then I'd have to have it out with him. But be prepared to hear something you don't want to hear, maybe. I don't think these hunches we have are often pie in the sky...

Bugsy, you know my husband works away in the week. Well I've had enough of it. Like everyone is saying here, you both miss the companionship and get out of the habit of being with each other. I know I switch into single mum mode in the week and find it hard to switch back to loving wife on the weekend. Do you find the same?

For the sake of our marriage we have spent the last 6 months looking for a way out. We are having to accept that his career will slow right down as he is taking another job offer (in the same company) locally. Maybe you could both have a chat about doing something similar, if that will take away some of the stresses you are both under? I just don't think a loving relationship can survive it. I really wonder if one of us would have an affair eventually, if we carry on like this. Without the threat of an affair, how long do you think you can continue?

Dear Bugsy,I've been thinking about your question -how do I feel about dh -all weekend.Its all very mixed up really at times i forget about it all and everything seems back to normal.Other times I feel that I will never feel as I did before all this happened especially in terms of trust.Things are very volatile in that the smallest happening can start of a verbal attack (from either side)A major upset like this also brings to the surface many minor irritations that you have lived with for years(!)
He is definitely going through some sort of mid-life crisis - he admits this.It has made me question myself too - I was such an independant woman in my teens and twenties and feel now that I have let myself down because I have become such a boring housewife.Where did the original me go???

Well, that didn't take long did it! Checked his texts on Friday evening and there were 3 sexually explicit texts. Waited until the children were tucked up in bed and then asked him what was going on. He lied and lied and lied and lied, it was just like the cross questioning of Bill Clinton (definitions of a relationship etc) until I suggested that we check his mobile.
Obviously then he had to admit that he had at least been bonking someone else. Of course he said it was just the once (I don't believe him) and apparently she's from America and will be going back and she's got a boyfriend - so that's OK then!!!!!
He says that he is really sorry and that he still loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I have allowed him to stay in the house because of the children and have said that when he gets back from his next trip abroad that we will go for counselling. I can barely bring myself to speak to him, let alone look at him. The weekend was torturous.
So now I have to decide what to do. I feel so incredibly out of love with him at the moment that I am finding it hard to imagine ever being "partners" again and I find the thought of physical contact repulsive. The texts were so explicit that every time I imagine us in an intimate scenario, I can only visualise what I read.
I am so disappointed and feel so lost. I haven't told anyone else yet, so as not to spoil any chance we may have of trying to make amends. I have a couple of girlfriends who are specifically my friends and I will be able to talk it through with them when he goes away.

Oh Bugsy, I am so so sorry to read this. You must feel as though the bottom has fallen out of your world. The fact that you have been single handedly looking after two children must make you feel very bitter. I just hope he realises what he has put at risk. Best of luck in resolving this.

Bugsy, I'm so sorry to hear all your suspicions were true. I really hope it works out the way you want it to - either with a better relationship between the two of you or with a better life without him.
Take care and good luck.

So sorry Bugsy, how awful for you. Give yourself time for this to sink in before you make any major decisions. Thinking of you.

Bugsy I'm so sorry to read your message and send you many cyber hugs.My husbands "friend" also left to go abroad around the time I discovered the messages.As one of her messages to him said that she had loved him for a long time I think that it is someone he has worked with in the past and met up with again recently.Will he go to conselling with you? - mine flatly refused.
Not much advice to offer at the moment but you are not alone and I can imagine just how you are feeling at the moment - as I read your message my heart started beating really fast just as it did when I read his messages.Do talk to someone you trust - it does help to share it and have someone to lean on.I eventually talked to a couple of close friends and told my brother and they have all been most supportive. XXXXX

Bugsy, I'm so sorry too. You must be feeling very betrayed at the moment.

Bugsy, Sorry to hear what is happening to you, wishing you all the best.