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Original poster

Prostitutes and the past

279 replies

cringe · 20/01/2005 17:54

Did any of your husbands/partners/ sleep with a prostitute before they met you? How do you feel about it? Does it put you off them? Or is it rare? Its making me wonder if he is a sweaty old desperate pervert. Help.

OP posts:
charleypops · 20/01/2005 19:30

Yes SD, from a male perspective, I think on holiday it's "a bit of naughty fun" but at home it's a bit sad and seedy.

Jimjams · 20/01/2005 19:35

dh has never done this- not his scene at all.

However a very good friend has- in this country- he said he did it because he was part of a group that kind of came up with the idea amongst themselves- peer pressure seems to play a big part judging by this thread. this particular friend is a bit of a dog though- and always very wise after the event (and disgusted with himself) but can't seem to help himself at the time. i could go on at great length about other doggish things he has done.

I personally would be digusted with dh if he had done this-and would find it very hard to accept- it would repulse me- but I don't feel digusted or repulsed by my friend. I guess its just a reflection of my different relationships with dh/my friend. cringe I guess you have to goo wwith howwever you feel about it- everyone's reactions will be different/

Caligula · 20/01/2005 19:35

I agree with HMB and Hercules. I would feel physically nauseous all the time if I knew the man I was with had done something like that.

For me, it's a question of values and integrity, and I would hate to be with a man so easily corrupted by peer-pressure, the beer, the sunshine, etc. It's all a question of what you find liveable with, and I personally don't think I could live with it. (Maybe that's why I'm single! - but I hope not, even taking into account your point SD.)

happymerryberries · 20/01/2005 19:36

Agree that men don't want to see the big picture. And the girls will make damn sure that they don't look pressured, that would put the clients off, and they can't afford for that to happen.

Bottom line is, how many guys who have used a prostitute would be happy to see their dd in that line of work? Damn few I bet, and that is because heart of hearts they know that it is exploitative and dangerous, they just don't want to admit that because it would spoil their fun

spacedonkey · 20/01/2005 19:38

Good points HMB, and a very interesting discussion

Original poster
cringe · 20/01/2005 19:45

I have known for some while as he was a friend. Someone pointed out it feels different as a friend. Well it did. I know everything about this mans life and none of it repulsed me. I now with all this information at hand have started a relationship with him and it has changed my opinion. I bet half of you know who i am now but sod it. I think he also has a lot to contend with about my past if im honest and i know he doesn't obsess about that.

OP posts:
weightwatchingwaterwitch · 20/01/2005 19:45

I'm with hmb, hercules and Caligula on this one. I don't buy this 'men must have sex when they need it line' either and I think prostitution, like rape, is about power rather than sex. Imo it's acceptable to have a one night stand but it's not acceptable to use prostitutes. And use is the right word here I think.

Original poster
cringe · 20/01/2005 19:48

Nothing like rape, he shouldn't even be linked in a discussion with that word in

OP posts:
weightwatchingwaterwitch · 20/01/2005 19:48

Having said that, I might conceivably forgive a past transgression if it was a long way in the past so in cringe's position I think I'd have to take all the other aspects of this man into consideration and see if I thought all the good stuff + his attitude towards women merited his being given a chance.

Original poster
cringe · 20/01/2005 19:50
Grin
OP posts:
weightwatchingwaterwitch · 20/01/2005 19:50

cringe, I wasn't linking him to rape, not at all, I was saying that I don't think use of prostitutes is necessarily just about sex.

Original poster
cringe · 20/01/2005 19:52

ok sorry x

OP posts:
essbee · 20/01/2005 19:52

Message withdrawn

essbee · 20/01/2005 19:53

Message withdrawn

SenoraPostrophe · 20/01/2005 19:56

I don't think that all prostitute-client relationships are about abuse of power. Many, probably most are but the fact that women who enjoy being prostitutes exist is enough, I think, for any man to delude himself that what he is doing is acceptable.

I certainly don't think that a man who has slept with one necessarily looks on most women as commodities.

DH hasn't slept with a prostitute as far as I know, but I think that would be down to his indignance about being asked to pay rather than anything to do with his morals (good though they are ). If he had I don't think I'd be bothered: I certainly wouldn't be bothered if it was something he used to do but stopped, don't know if it was something that he only wasn't doing because he was with me, IYSWIM.

Heathcliffscathy · 20/01/2005 19:58

does everyone who is condemning the use of prostitutes here also condemn women that sleep with men for reasons other than love or lust, for example for status reasons or for gifts or money...lets face it that happens a lot and is in my opinion equally suspect...but i don't think this discussion would be happening if that were the issue 'my girlfriend went out with a man for his money in the past...do you think i should forgive her?'...

prostitution is far far more honest a transaction then many many sexual liaisons imo.

besides it's in the past...who can put their hand on heart and say they have never ever done anything that is morally dubious (assuming that using a prostitute is that)...

why is it that time and time again, sexual morality takes total precedence over any other kind of morality: i don't see many discussions on here about 'my husband works for a totally dubious corporation, should i divorce him' and yet in terms of damage to people both here and in the developing world, it is infinitely more morally suspect imo.

is this a british thing?

cringe: did you think you dp was a 'sweaty old desperate pervert' before you found this out? if so, maybe he is, if not, i think you should feel good that he trusts you enough to be honest with you about his past, it would be a shame to reward that with condemnation

Original poster
cringe · 20/01/2005 20:04

sophable, sp your stars, totally true about corporations especially paying for slavery. No i didn't think he was a pervert, a bit of a tart and a nutter, but that was great as a friend. Starting to have sex with him has just changed the balance a little. I now wonder what he thinks of me as i am no longer one of the boys ifykwim.

OP posts:
Ellaroo · 20/01/2005 20:04

Cringe, I think the other thing to bear in mind is that going to a prostitute in Thailand is quite different from going to one here. There is a different attitude to it there - much more acceptable and much more laid on a plate - you wouldn't have to go looking - they come to you. My dh went to Thailand as a 19 year old and said that when he went to the toilet one of them followed him in and was trying to make him let her hold 'it' for him while he peed! (he was terrified). He said the women are quite pushy and will spend hours trying to get you to pay for them even if you spend hours saying you're not interested. I think in this climate and being with a bunch of mates it would have seemed like no big deal at the time to go with it. If he's lovely in every other way why hold his past against him when he's been honest enough to tell you about it?

happymerryberries · 20/01/2005 20:05

It would be more honest if it were a totaly free transaction. But in the majority of cases it is not. And in Thailand it is almost never a free choice. Trafficing of humans is a vast probelm in that part of the world, and many of the sex workers, male and female are below the age of consent.

Tthe majoirity of women do not choose this line of work they do it because of despiration. Once in the trade they are exploited and abused by pimps. What is honest about that? It is an abuse of power. The choice is all the mans

happymerryberries · 20/01/2005 20:07

Ellaroo, those women that you are describing are very ofen nothing more than slaves. Estimates of up to 50% of them are under age. They are pushy because they will risk a beating or worse if they don't give their pimps money. Please don't make the men who use them out to be victims, that is just sickening.

weightwatchingwaterwitch · 20/01/2005 20:08

Sophable I think the difference between men who use prostitutes and women (or men) who sleep with someone for a reason other than just (!) sex is that many prostitutes DON'T have the truly free choice hmb mentioned. A woman sleeping with a man for gifts/job is prostituting herself I think!

weightwatchingwaterwitch · 20/01/2005 20:09

hmb posted while I was typing but I agree with her.

Ellaroo · 20/01/2005 20:13

I'm not making them out to be victims (in my dh's case he did not and never would use a prositute, as he would be ethically and morally opposed to it in every way) - this wasn't what I was trying to say. I was simply saying how I felt that to men on a blokey holiday it could seem acceptable because of the culture of acceptance that prevails in the bars over there. I also think that men can have a fair idea of how old someone is and if there is any doubt at all, then it is not prostition it is child rape. In my initial post I was generally thinking of ones that were obviously over 18/21.

DHhadABJfromAbangkokLADYboy · 20/01/2005 20:14

and didn't realise until afterwards

Caligula · 20/01/2005 20:15

Sophable, yes in some instances I would condemn sleeping with men for some reasons other than love, lust or to get the shelves put up, but not as harshly.

I think the difference with using prostitutes is the power angle, which for me is what makes it so distasteful.

Sleeping with a man for jewellery is pathetic, or shallow, or mindless, or whatever; but paying to sleep with a woman so that she does exactly what you want as you're controlling the transaction, is much nastier imo. The key here is power. I agree with www, prostitution, like rape, is among other things, an issue of sexual power (but of course that doesn't mean they're the same).