So embarrassed I wanted to die.

[Katkins17]

So I bought my shopping in Tesco...as you do....said thank you to the cashier when she gave me the receipt and my brain couldn't decide whether it wanted to say 'you're welcome' or 'no problem' so instead it shouted quite loudly to the cashier and the whole queue behind me ...

'YOU'RE THE PROBLEM'

I just stood there, with us all looking uncomfortable and not knowing what to say .... plus a few sniggers behind.

What is the worse thing you've said without meaning to ?????

It was Sunday lunch with the family. I doubt she meant literally every day; like she’s swigging Chardonnay in the doorway of Greggs before popping in for a pasty.

Everyday. Needing A glass of wine before noon. That’s an alcoholic.

God so many weirdos round here. Needing is your word. @Kittensat36 never said 'needing'. She also never said 'every day'.

She said she normally has a glass of wine before lunch in the context of her story. She's probably talking about Sunday lunch at her parents but even if she isn't, there's nothing wrong with it. Lots of people have a glass of wine with or before a meal.

You really must be the type of person desperate to latch on to anything to exaggerate it to allow you to enjoy criticising someone else.

This is a lovely, very funny thread. Why would you need to spoil it for people?

Another one, xh was admitted to hospital for vertigo, the nurse checking his info asked, "are you heterosexual", horrified he replied "no, I'm married" 😂

What's wrong with that?

Not really a big deal but yesterday my colleague brought in her 3 year old son. He had a peter rabbit toy and he showed me it and told me he had a tail. I then asked the kid jokingly 'Oh, and do you have a tail ?' and I noticed a few of my other colleagues smirking and trying to hide smiles !

One Sunday evening with a craving for roast beef that we didn’t have to cook, drove round quite a few local restaurants asking at each if they had any roast beef. Went into one and asked to which they cheerily replied yes, my partner responded ‘okay thanks, bye!’ Turned round and walked out. I think the hunger got to his head.

Someone wished me happy birthday and I replied same to you, I felt a right twat ffs.

Took dd1 to look round a local secondary school open evening. One of the girls there I recognised as an older sister of a boy in dd's class. I said "Oh hi! How are you? Which school are you at now?" She replied "this one". What a fool I felt!

In A Level English class of 8 of us, I called the teacher to get their attention but instead of saying their name I said ‘Mum’. The rest of the class cracked up and MR Smith has a good chuckle.

To a lady apologizing for standing in my way in the supermarket aisle...
I tried to say 'You're grand!' and You're OK!'
And instead proclaimed
'You're gay!'

@Ivehearditbothways context is everything..

The poster you're quoting discusses having been out on a Saturday night and drinking too much - therefore the lunch and hangover are on Sunday. A glass of wine before a Sunday lunch is pretty normal!

When I was in labour the midwife asked if she could examine me. For some reason I decided to say in a low sexy voice “you can do whatever you like to me”. She looked very nervous and I was mortified - still don’t know why I said it and my toes curl whenever I think about it.

In History class, our (rather new and wimpy) form teacher popped in to quieten our class down as our teacher wasn't there... someone had drawn a very detailed cock and balls on the blackboard... he looked at it and just raised an eyebrow, told us if we couldn't behave, could we at least be quiet...

He had a brief word with my friend and I (both in his form) as we were sat at the desk right by the door, on his way out.. I'd got new specs, key point as my old ones had been smashed the previous week, which he knew.

I don't know what exactly was on his mind, but I'd guess it was the very detailed testicles attached to the aforementioned speed-nob illustration..

Because instead of saying 'Oh, nice new spectacles Widdlin'...' he said 'nice new SPESTICLES'...

Spluttered and dashed out the door!

After that friend and I just had to mutter 'spesticles' at him to get him to go a funny shade of pink.

Your post made me die OP 😂
I’ve loudly thanked a cash machine before.

Went into a shop after a busy day working in retail, to buy a few bits and some cigarettes, paid, assistant passed me my cigarettes, brain farted, looked at them dead in the eye and went "here's your receipt would you like a bag?" We stared at each other in mutual confusion for a good 15 seconds before i simply turned silently away and left. This was years ago...it still haunts me.

Hahahaha!

So I'm not Catholic but was at a Catholic funeral when the priest asked us turn to people beside us and say ,"Peace be with you". I heard it as " Pleased to meet you" and was saying that!
This was 10 years ago and still go hot when I think about it.

I'm reading this in bed and am having to stuff the duvet in my mouth to stop the noise of my laughter !
Thank you every one who posted.

Depends whether it was red or white.....

I was on a health related call trying to get every detail correct

Receptionist " please spell your last name slowly and clearly

Me: O as in zebra

I hung up and waited to call back the next day hoping to get a different receptionist

years ago I said to my then manager that the work was coming in in “sits and fart” instead of fits and starts, I still cringe.

Oh god - I need this today. I’m doing that hysterical, hiccuping laughter that hurts your throat 😂

On our first date 13 years ago, I walked my now DH back to the the train station where he told me he’d had a brilliant time and he’d love me to come to his city where he could show me all its best places as well. I had a whole mildly humorous, self-deprecating convo in my head about how rubbish I am following through on plans but all that came out was a bright and cheery, “Don’t hold your breath!” then I walked away. It took me several steps to realise that I hadn’t done the first bit and turned round but he’d gone.

I was shocked when he called me a few days later to suggest meeting up again but I stayed schtum and went along with it, very glad that he was far nicer than I would have been in the same situation. When I finally brought it up a few years later, it turned out the station was too noisy and he never heard me so had assumed I’d said something normal like “sure, that sounds great!” If he’d heard me, he said there wouldn’t have been a chance in hell that he’d have ever called me again. Thank god for drunken Thursday night mobs in Manchester Piccadilly!

Haaaa! This brings back an old uni lecture where a tutor picked on me to answer, “and what is viscosity?” I panicked, fumbled and went, “it’s the measure of a material’s…erm…gloopiness.”

He was very lovely about it but did note that while essentially correct, it probably wouldn’t score me many marks in an exam. That was me, flying the flag for all female engineers on a mostly male course 🤦‍♀️

my friend told me of the time she was listening to a fire and brimstone preacher in Northern Ireland and he did that. Came out with spits and farts instead of fits and starts!