So embarrassed I wanted to die.

[Katkins17]

So I bought my shopping in Tesco...as you do....said thank you to the cashier when she gave me the receipt and my brain couldn't decide whether it wanted to say 'you're welcome' or 'no problem' so instead it shouted quite loudly to the cashier and the whole queue behind me ...

'YOU'RE THE PROBLEM'

I just stood there, with us all looking uncomfortable and not knowing what to say .... plus a few sniggers behind.

What is the worse thing you've said without meaning to ?????

I used to work in an organisation where a large team of people was spread out across different buildings very close together around a courtyard. One of my senior colleagues called me up to let me know about an issue that had arisen and wanted to know if I was free to discuss it there and then. He was a lovely, older, unassuming, academic-sort.

"Sure", I said. And then my head simultaneously decided to ask Do you want to come to me? And, Do you want to come on over here? Of course what I asked was

"Do you want to come on me?"

It has been over ten years and I still cringe myself inside out when I think about it.

I had a near miss last week. Ex of mine out shopping with his DP. He dropped me a text to say that they had come across a branch of a shop I had previously mentioned to him (thought it was definitely his DP's sort of shop). Replied to his text "happy rummaging" but the auto* correct had changed it to "happy rimming. " That would have been a monumental "I'll get me coat" moment.

*And auto correct just tried to change auto to autistic- wtf?

I recently went to McDonald's drive-thru and ordered a large McNubbet meal. My daughter was howling laughing. The next time we went it was even worse - I asked for McNubNub.

I took a call last year from a client about his case, at the conclusion of which he said he hoped I'd have a lovely Christmas. Without thinking, I said, "You too". He was in prison.

My male university lecturer asked me to an informal meeting in the Uni bar. We bought drinks sat down and I pulled a packet of fags out of my bag on to the table beside me. Started telling him all about how I needed some extra help and an extension on an essay as things were a bit grim in my personal life. He gave me a very hard stare and was surprisingly unsympathetic. He looked really uncomfortable in fact. Some moments later I realised I’d pulled out the condom box I’d bought earlier that day, not cigarettes. Tried to back peddle and explain but I was speechless with mortification.

That’s confused me. I thought you were supposed to be able to give it to them to deter fleas??

Apparently Diana Dorrs son embarrassed her at church once. Vicar asked God to ‘save our souls’ and her young son blurted out triumphantly ‘He said arseholes mummy!’

My friend once asked for a 'McSlurry'

Probably quite apt! 😂

I hadn’t come across that previously although did google it after your comment. I’m not quite sure now, tbh — and Google seems confused too! My vets definitely say it’s poisonous but perhaps it depends on the dog/quantity…

Just remembered another one- was doing a parent's evening at a school where I was on long term supply. Had never met the parents before. The parents raised a difficulty they were having at home. I suggested a solution and then something outside distracted me and I completely forgot what we were talking about. The parent said,
"That's a good idea,"
and I responded absently
"Yes, it really is a brilliant idea, well done."

An awkward silence fell.

Garlic is one of those things that in small quantities has many beneficial properties, including deterring parasites - it can lower blood pressure, reduce certain types of cholesterol and is counter-indicated in conjuction with quite a variety of medications (though this is more 'don't take it as a health supplement in large amounts' rather than 'don't have a bit of garlic in your spag bol' kinda deal).

However in dogs, large amounts of garlic (or rather the thiosulfate in it) can cause Hemolytic Anemia - you would need to feed a significant amount over time or a HUGE amount in one go to poison your dog though.

The study that found that garlic could do this involved feeding dogs 5g per kg of bodyweight, which works out at around 4 whole bulbs of garlic for a dog the size of a golden retriever to induce changes in the blood. That is a LOT of garlic, one clove is around 3g!

So feeding a small quantity can be safe, and has its benefits (where feeding other things that are toxic but dogs like such as chocolate, has no benefit at all).

I would worry if one of mine stole a whole garlic bread, made at home, because I put frankly illegal quantities of garlic in mine and the combination of bread and butter would mean they'd eat it. But they do get small amounts from time to time and my vet is fine with that (and does the same with his own dogs). I put two or three cloves into the blended vegetable mix (blended veggies and a drop of oil then its frozen into icecube trays) batch that lasts 3 medium to large dogs about a month, with an icecube or two each day per dog.

As I get off the bus via the middle or back door I yell "thank you driver". Did it the other day as I got off the tube, other passengers must have thought I was nuts

Years ago, an old colleague had a client who was unhappy with the conclusions in a report they had written about some media campaign or another. The client asked for it to be rewritten with a more positive spin, etc., and the colleague forwarded the email to their team saying "this guy wants us to put a paper bag over this pile of shit and draw a smiley face on it" but had actually replied rather than forwarding, so included the client in the response.

After a couple of minutes of panicking and asking IT if it could be stopped, etc., the client replied "Glad to see you've understood our requirements so clearly, please crack on."

This story has just made me laugh out loud and as my house is empty (just me here) my chuckling is echoing around the room!

Thanks for resurrecting this old thread. My memory is so bad I’m reading them as if new and it’s giving me a good laugh!

Omg! 🙈🙈🙈

Ffs

Yup

When l was a teenager (fifty odd years ago now) my best friend and l had some free time in the summer and decided to follow our favourite musician's tour.
Now this guy was (unusually as it turns out, for the days then) a very decent bloke, very gentlemanly and just 'nice'.
We got to know him and his band quite well and got to go backstage quite a few times. Absolutely nothing dodgy, he used to treat us like old friends, but being mindful that we were the same age as his younger sister (10 years younger than him). But he was drop dead gorgeous and l was utterly smitten.
One afternoon before a gig we were lucky enough to be invited backstage, and we were sitting in the dressing room talking about music and their setlist.
I mentioned a song that he'd played on in a previous band, which was my absolute favourite, and l got a bit over enthusiastic about it.
I said "Oh my god, l loved the ORGASM bit on that!"
I'd meant to say 'crescendo'. Not orgasm, for god's sake.
I could have died on the spot.
Bless him, he managed to keep a straight face until my bestie totally lost it and then he cracked up completely. I was beyond mortified, l just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me.

He was very sweet, hugged me, still laughing, and said "I know what you meant, love."
I still go hot and cold when l think about it. Or when my bestie reminds me about my 'Freudian slip', which is quite often....

🤣🤣🤣🤣