My kids got baby-bell wax all over my mother in laws new sofa.

[jennan]

Hey,
I'm not really sure how to use this website so apologies if wrong.
So I'm at my mother in laws house for Xmas and she had just brought herself this VERY expensive sofa for herself as a self gift.
she has just had it delivered today and its a brand new white sofa, as I have two boys (6 and 7) I told them not to go on it but my mother in law INSISTED they could go on it.
they had just finished watching TV and were getting ready for bed when my husband alerted me to the fact that someone had obviously eaten a baby-bell and than somehow sat on the wax, there is now a VERY noticeable red patch on the sofa.
I have removed the excess wax but there is still a stain.
my boys and mother in law are in bed now but I dont know how to remove it.
me and my husband dont have the money to replace this sofa and my mother in law doesn't really like me as it is.
Does anyone know how to remove cheese wax from a sofa?
Thanks.

Why the fuck does your MIL blame OP and not her son ?

I'd be taking my children and going home if I were the OP. How fucking dare she disinvite you while saying her son and grandchildren were still welcome. How lovely, obviously only mums are responsible for their children's messes, never their fathers. Misogyny at it's finest ... especially after she undermined OP in the first place when OP tried to tell her boys they weren't allowed on the sofa and MIL insisted they were.

I'd be raging at your husband right now, OP. How very dare he back his mother and not you in this. How dare he.

Oh, and OP you should definitely tell your DH he can get a train or a bus home, you will not be collecting him. Nor talking to his mother again.

Mil might have been equally annoyed with her son for giving the kids messy snacks on the sofa before bed. However he wasn’t there so she berated op when she woke up and came downstairs.

Ive no idea how an argument then unfolded between the two women but it seems whatever was said in that argument was the reason she asked op to leave?

Oo has a lot of resentment towards mil -neither like each other and that probably all came to the surface during the row.

It was no longer about the sofa or who was to blame for the stain.

take the kids and go. Once you’re a few kms away stop and text your dh. ‘You’re my husband and they are your children too. You should have shouldered the blame instead of letting your mum talk to me like that and joining in to blame me. I won’t be collecting you, you can make your own way home, and I won’t be part of seeing your mum again. I’m not totally sure I want to see you again right now. Your mum wanted to talk to me but you can tell her for me that of course I’m taking my children home since they don’t seem to count as your children and she’s kicked me out- they only have me I guess so they are coming with me.’
and drive home and have a wonderful time. Tell your family and friends what happened so Dh gets judged and you get support. Make sure it is 5 years before you even agree to reconsider visiting her again.

Thanks for all the comments and advice,
there are so many questions but as there are to many to answer all of them I will answer the most common ones.

1) The back story with my Mil.
Basically I’m not my husbands first wife (who obviously my mil preferred ALOT more than me) and I happened to meet him about a week before divorce (we started dating three months arfter the divorce, so we were only friends up until than) mil was quite annoyed about that.

2) Why didn’t the Mil come to our wedding.
Mainly due to the fact she didn’t like me and still believes that I was the reason of her sons divorce, and I had already had my first son and was pregnant with my second before marriage and as she is quite religious she was quite pissed about that also, my mum and dad are both religious and they didn’t mind about it what so ever so I’m just going to assume she was just trying to start arguments.

3) Your dh backed up his mum over you??
My dhs dad died when he was very young so he became very close with his mum, i have never really thought much of it as this isn’t the first time (all the other times have been over small things) but arfter him not backing me up or arguing that i should still be allowed to stay for the reunion… that’s got me debating it more.

4) who was supervising the kids when they had snacks put next to them while they were sat on the brand new couch?
As the boys had sausages and mash for tea and we had curry we decided that if the boys ate first than we could have a later tea.
While we were just serving up my mil told the boys they could watch tv as they were just playing in the dining room and making lots of noise,
before they left i told them NOT to sit on the new sofa, my mil said that they could.
i was serving food in the dining room so I’m not really sure if the boys asked for food or not but next think i know mil places a plate of picky foods next to them and tells them to stand while they eat to avoid getting it on the new sofa.
I wasn’t aware she was giving them food next to the sofa until she sat down to eat and told my dh that she had gave the boys a little something to eat and told him that she used some of the snacks that we had brought.
The boys were quiet and were watching TV so i just assumed they didn’t need supervision.
if i knew that she had placed the foods on a table next to the sofa and told them to ‘stand up while eating’ I would have intercepted and told them
to eat in the kitchen.
I just assumed she had put it on a further table or told them to move to a different sofa, I just assumed it was common sense not to put young boys on a while sofa and than to put food next to them.

Thanks for all the advice though,
i might just tell him to make his own way home but i will see how time plays.

@jennan read up on spousification!

https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/effects-of-spousification-on-a-child

OP, I think you are acted appropriately by going home after the argument with your MIL. There was no logic or discussion that could have helped at the time. I find it a bit odd though that you didn't let your DH know what had happened before your MIL did.

"My DH went out quite early to meet some of his childhood friends as he grew up here and because of that he missed our argument.
I've just got home with my boys and I've just received a text from my dh telling me that his mum explained the whole situation to him"

Aww.OP I feel for you.
It sounds like MIL is targeting you for her mistake and your OH is such a Momma's boy he'll never have your back when his mum is involved.

You're a stronger person than I to have tolerated this for the amount of time you have, but the first time I noticed anything like it, I'd have been gone. Zero Tolerance.

I assumed that she’d left the house and driven home, giving MIL time to contact DH with her side of the story whilst OP was driving.
OP - is DH still at his mother’s house? I could maybe understand that he stayed yesterday for a while to see his family but I would be very cross that he stayed overnight and if he chooses to stay until Monday then it would be game over for me. He has shown where his allegiance lies, and it’s not with you.

I'd be rethinking your dh if he doesn't stand up for you over a stain that was basically your mil fault. Your mil is crazy. Did you actually leave and miss the reunion? The fact your dh thought that was OK tells you all you need. I'm so sorry op

Her reasons for not attending your wedding and not accepting her son’s life choice would’ve been my line in the sand. She was very lucky to be included in her grandsons life after that. She needs to realise words and actions have consequences and your husband needs to have your back else your sons will be pulled into her dysfunctional matriarch outrageous behaviour and be crushed.
Love is not about walking on eggshells and accepting someone’s bad behaviour and not daring to put boundaries down for fear of being expelled from the family. Your husband has you and his boys to protect and if he can’t or won’t then thank goodness they have an awesome mum who won’t stand for the disrespect and dysfunctional ways of MIL.

I wasn’t aware she was giving them food next to the sofa until she sat down to eat and told my dh that she had gave the boys a little something to eat and told him that she used some of the snacks that we had brought.

So she chose the snacks, put them next to the kids, having told them they can sit in the white sofa and just told them to stand while they ate (having been a parent herself so presumably knowing that’s unlikely to happen) and then blamed and disinvited you?

What on earth is her rationale? Did you shout at her? Call her names? Punch her in the face? You must have done something to warrant this bizarre behaviour. If not then she is a monster.

This.

Your husband needs to start valuing you and putting you ahead of his mother especially when she is blaming you for things just cos she doesn't like you.

It makes me wonder why his first marriage broke down and how much his mother was a factor in that.

I would absolutely not be picking him up after he's blamed you for everything and continued on his jolly leaving you with the kids.

He doesn't respect you at all.

Your husband is an enabler, I wouldn’t be surprised if your MIL has form and is the main reason H’s first marriage failed, her first dil probably experienced similar to you and her respect and love eroded over husband's enabling his mum to rip her to shreds and get away with it with no back up.
He need some kind of therapy to see he is not his mum’s little soldier anymore and he needs to step up else his boys will end up from a broken home because he won’t back up the family he created. His mother is the one creating sides for him to choose and he can’t expect you to turn the other cheek just for his peace of mind.His greatest fear is probably abandonment but unfortunately for you all his mum is trying to make sure he either loses his wife and sons or her which is pure malice on her part and not love in any form just about controlling people.

I just assumed she had put it on a further table or told them to move to a different sofa, I just assumed it was common sense not to put young boys on a while sofa and than to put food next to them.

Tbh I probably would have checked at this point/told husband to.

After all wherever the kids & snacks were there was still a white sofa in the room!

She didn't go to your wedding because she doesn't like you-I don't know why you or your husband have anything to do with her at all!

He was already getting divorced when you met & yet she blames you & he accepts that & expects you to?

All kinds of fucked up!

I also agree he genuinely needs some therapy to see how unhealthy / wrong this is

Your update makes it even worse MIL-wise: this is entirely on her. Entirely.
She insisted they sit on the new sofa; she brought them food to eat; you weren't even in the room.

Your DH backed her and not you. I'm not surprised now he had a first wife; I imagine she wasn't impressed with the 'mummy can do no wrong' behaviour either.

I wouldn't pick him up. Tell him to stay at his mother's if that's who's back he has.

Thanks for all the advice though,
i might just tell him to make his own way home but i will see how time plays.

Maybe look up some books - games people play and Toxic IL - for tips on how to handle situations as it does sound like MIL may be setting you up and understanding that perhaps you'd have gone and checked on situation and circumvented entire situation.

Honestly though I don't think any of her behavior is acceptable and outright telling her - and your DH - that may help - as frankly what can you lose at this point.

But it was mother in law who gave them the snacks in the living being room. So really it's all her own fault. It certainly isn't OPs fault.
I do agree though this goes deeper than a stained sofa.

I’m surprised mil didn’t notice the stain after the dc went to bed.

She must have gone to bed really early and left snacks out? If you had a new sofa then before bed surely you’d tidy a bit, and brush up crumbs, clear away snacks and at least glance to admire your new sofa?

No it’s looking increasingly likely dh sat on the sofa eating a late night cheese snack after the boys and granny were in bed.

He was the one who stood up from the sofa at bedtime and said Bollocks! Someone’s sat in a Babybel wrapper!

He was the one desperately looking for an iron and scraping it off..and he even drove to Morrisons to buy ice in the night.

He acted like he was guilty as sin the next day- leaving without speaking to anyone?

Check his trousers 🤔

You could be right!

So your MIL gave the boys the babybels and left them unsupervised with them, but this is all your fault, @jennan? She doesn’t have any common sense of her own?

I get that it is annoying when something new and pristine gets stained, but she didn’t have to give them snacks, or to countermand you when you told the boys to stay off the sofa - either of which would have prevented this issue.

Now I just want to start chanting 'CHECK HIS TROUSERS!'

Well well well. MIL gave the boys snacks and left them unattended. Shock, horror, we didn't see that coming oh wait half of us had inferred that from early on only to be shouted down by grinches who were determined to slate the OP amd conveniently forget that her H also is responsible for his children

It's the new Cancel the cheque!

... pity the "D"H is still at mummy dearest's until Monday, plenty of time to have dealt with the trousers.