We have been let down by the justice system. [**Edited by MNHQ, thread may be triggering**]

[OpiesOldLady]

I need to get this out. Some of you will recognise the details, I posted previously under a different name, but tbh I'm sick of hiding now, and being ashamed.

My son was raped and sexually abused by my step son. He also abused my daughter. He was found guilty of two counts of rape and four counts of sexual abuse. We were led to believe that the judge would send him to crown court for sentencing and a custodial sentence would be imposed.

Today he was give a two year rehabilitation order and has been placed on the sex offenders register for five years. He has basically gotten away with a slap on the wrists.

I feel so incredibly let down. My babies had to give evidence against him, he put them through that... and yet he gets to go home tonight, free.

He will get counselling and all manner of professional help, whilst I am having to fight tooth and nail to access some proper support for my children. They are on a waiting list for intensive therapy, but that could take months. In the meantime, I have to watch as my son fades away before my eyes, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And this is justice?

I want to appeal his sentence as I think it's far too lenient, but I don't know if i'll be allowed to, I'm waiting to hear back from the Attourney Generals office.

I am swinging between being so furious, devastated and wanting to kill him with my bare hands. How could he do this and just get away with it?

I hadn't thought of a Home Start volunteer, thank you. I'll mention it to the SW when she comes later. I guess I'm just wary of yet another new face to introduce the children to, iyswim? I guess I'm slowly reaching the point where I'm beginning to think that if people aren't actually going to help us then I wish they would just leave us alone to try and start putting our lives back together. Everyone - SS, School, Kids guardian etc keep telling me how they are here to help us... but no one actually is, nothing is being done, and frankly if they can't or won't help I wish they'd just go away. I'm doing it all on my own (mostly) anyway, and they are neither use nor ornament. Does that sound daft?

There's a case conference on Monday. I am expecting the children to be kept on the CPR. On Wednesday I have to be assessed by a psychiatrist to see if I am a suitable person to keep the children safe in the future. The children's guardian thinks I am depressed She keeps saying that I have an aura of sadness around me. I think she thinks I should be all happy clappy, but jesus, I've had probably the worst year of my life. My children have been raped and abused by someone I brought into my home. The man I loved, and was married to for a whole 28 days turned out to be an abuser too. My whole world has been smashed to smithereens. I have to watch my babies shrivel in front of me because no one will help. Does she expect me to be doing the fucking can can??? I'm not sure what she or anyone else wants from me.

Sorry, I'm tired and angry today. I've just had enough.

It doesn't sound daft, wanting them to go away if they can't help, but neither does it sound healthy for you. You are stretched too far already, you do need support and help, and you need someone to provide it properly. The charity counselling services and Homestart may do a better job than you've already had, to be fair; but you still need to see the GP again as well - and if your own one is shit/unhelpful, then see a different one. I recommend crying at them at some point, looking all held-together isn't going to further your cause - you have to let them see how close you are to breaking point, even if you are exaggerating a tiny bit.

Your children's guardian sounds like she's in la-la land as well! Perhaps she ought to be treated to a dose of "this is my fucking life just now, tell me exactly which bit I should be singing and dancing over?" I mean, yes, your DC are now safe from their abuser but just because the abuser(s) have been removed from their sphere, things don't just go back to normal and they're CUCKOO if they think they do!

It's like the plate analogy - here's a plate. Now smash it on the floor. Now pick it up and try to put it back the same way as before. Does it work? Does it fuck. Now the abuser has smashed your family plates on the floor, your children's lives - you need help to glue the plates back together to some semblance of how they were before, but they will never be quite the same again.

Tired and angry - USE the anger to shout at people, let them know that you're nearing the end of your tether and that people need to properly HELP you, not just pay lip service to the idea.

And have some more massive internet ((((hugs)))) just because. x

Thinking of you, Opie. More ((((hugs)))) and don't be ashamed about bursting into tears at gp, or counsellors, HomeStart people etc. It's not wrong to let them see how pushed you are, and sometimes they need that very clear clue. Sadly.

Opies

I am pretty clued up diet wise and with various 'odd' diets, also an behaviour etc, but I hadn't heard of the one thumb mentioned!! It's totally unsurprising that you hadn't, it's certainly not a parenting failure!!

I have seen how other diets affect various children with various sn and how 'addicted' to those 'bad for them' foods they can be and if I were you, I'd ignore all the data & learning behind it, print off a copy of the list and avoid everything high on the list. It won't be easy, but just think of it as swapping the hard work of cleaning up after her and dealing with her anger/violence with the hard work of getting her to eat different food. I'd do it in a heartbeat.

As for the psyc assessment to see if you are fit to keep the children safe in the future, it feels like an insult, but I suppose the have things they have to do, to protect other children with feckless parents and sadly you're just caught up in their tick list. See if you can use it to find other support.

Is there anyway DS can see a different counsellor? That one sounds like a right idiot.

As for the children's guardian?! FFS. I'd do as thumb suggested. Give her the both barrels. Really. Both barrels.

GP if you aren't getting any help there either, change surgeries. I did and the difference is immense.

Home start is a good option too.

There must be some support out there for fuck sake, this is ridiculous :(

How are you feeling (physically) today?

I honestly don't know how you are holding it all together. I am both incredibly impressed by you and dreadfully worried about you xxx

Tight hugs from me too, Opies.

I want to print out this thread and show it to your SW, ffs!!
Would you consider doing that??

I totally get what you mean wrt so many agencies and people sticking their oar in to your lives and problems, promising help, interfering, but then not actually delivering anything truly useful

Nobody can be everything to everybody all of the time - nobody.
Don't kid yourself that you are any different. I am concerned that you are burning yourself out. The local MH services here offer Telephone CBT - maybe something similar might be available to you? Worth asking about?

I hope you are managing to eat and sleep and spend a little bit of time with yourself, but being you.

And still the kicks keep coming. I am beyond furious right now.

Prior to a case conference we get given a report from SS starting how things are going and what their specific concerns are, right at this moment. This is what they say 'We are concerned that if the mother does not get the help she needs to cope in this situation, she will no longer be able to look after the children properly and they could end up getting hurt'

HOW FUCKING DARE THEY SUGGEST I WOULD HURT MY CHILDREN????

I am absolutely livid. I have spoken to my solicitor and she is furious too. The children are on the CPR because their father is a schedule one offender and poses a potential risk to them - not once is he mentioned in this - NOT because of neglect. Indeed, in this report it says the children are always clean and tidy and have impeccable manners, attend school regularly, have lovely bedrooms and a clean and tidy house. They also commended me for supporting them well during the court proceedings. I just can't understand this at all. My SW has never mentioned any concerns to this effect. I would never ever hurt them, I swear. Hell, I don't even slap them, ffs. And as for me not getting the proper support - fuck, I've only been asking for thirteen months. Last time I asked I got told to go and see my GP.

Gah. So upset and frustrated right now.

And thank you for all the good wishes, I will be ok, because I have to be x

Sorry, I've not been on much tonight and have only just seen your latest post.

I have read what they wrote a hundred times, the only thing I can think of is that maybe she thinks this is the only way to get you some help, but she should have discussed that with you first...maybe try talking to her first.

But if she feels that way, as it's written, then I'd be asking her to justify herself, in a very, very clear manner, in writing. Then I'd be asking for her neck on the chopping board. Bitch.

Oh Opies, what a pile of utter shite!! for you.
Yes indeed you need that justified, you need for her to explain EXACTLY what the actual fuck she thinks she means, eh? Followed by a detailed "THIS is the sum of the support I've had over the last 13m, DESPITE begging for more. So don't you fucking tell ME I can't look after my kids because I'M not the one letting them down!"

Sorry. I'm so angry on your behalf.

Have and and

Just read this through (& remember you from previous incarnations)
Just wondering if SW means if you don't get help they will be hurt because of their own actions & you not being able to prevent it (due to being pulled too many ways/not having the skills etc) rather than you would hurt them.
You probably know all this but my advice would be
You need to go to conference and get them to make the plan with clear SMART targets , when will help be given /how often/by who and chase it up if it doesn't happen. There's no court in the way to stop it so keep pushing. You've probably more chance whilst on CP plan than on S17 but if you're not actually endangering the children then you're lower down the spectrum when it comes to work priorities.
Good luck.

'We are concerned that if the mother does not get the help she needs to cope in this situation, she will no longer be able to look after the children properly and they could end up getting hurt"

I've been letting this sentence mature in my head for a while before I responded, because I really read it differently from you.
I thought it meant they are worried about the lack of support you've been getting and how that might be detrimental to the children in the future. I wonder whether they are trying to use the risk to the children if you/them don't get more help as leverage rather than as a 'dig' towards your ability to look after them?

Apologies if I am far off the mark.
I agree you need to engage in the case conference, do make your displeasure known, be very clear in what you do and don't need.
'Support' is such a wishy-washy word: make clear demands. Ie therapy once a week for DS, whatever it its you need for DD to help you manage her behaviour, independent counselling for you, help at home - whatever.
I think you have been fighting and battling for so long that your 'default' setting is 'attack' and feeling defensive, when really, truly you have done nothing wrong and have been a true Lioness for all your DCs.

Maybe I am reading it wrong. I don't know. I feel as though I don't know much of anything anymore. It feels like they are constantly looking for something, anything, that they can use against me. I am scared that they will remove the children if I don't jump through their hoops.

I feel incredibly frustrated. They (ss etc) are banging on about support and helping me... when in fact they actually aren't. I have been crying out for support and help for the past thirteen months and nothing has been forthcoming. I rang SS when DS told me in March that he wanted to kill himself. I was told that someone would ring me back. I'm still waiting. I tell them that I'm struggling to cope with a suicidal little boy and they twist things 'Oh you mean that you can't cope with your children anymore?' That really wasn't what I had said. I've never dealt with a child who is suicidal before. I'm not sure how best to help him.

This week will be ten weeks since the trial finished. I was assured that as soon as it had finished there would be provision waiting, ready to help the children straight away. Obviously that hasn't materialised. It seems like SS think that me needing support is a new thing, when in fact I've been asking for it - and been promised it - since the beginning of all this.

What exactly do they want from me? I've engaged with them as much as I can, I've done everything that they have asked of me. Yet it's still not enough, is it? It's never enough, it's never going to be.

I feel so tired of it all. So defeated.

Maybe that's something that needs clarifyi Conference , ask how the SW feels they would be hurt? Do you have someone supportive with you? (I know it's too emotional at times to get your point across clearly)

Yes, two of my best friends will be there with me. One is training to be a SW herself and is horrified at how all this is being handled. They are both very articulate and assertive and won't hesitate to say what they think. I love them both very much, they have been a great source of strength and support even though they've been going through a lot of their own shit too.

Yes, you do need to insist that this gets clarified - I can be in no way certain that what I read in to it is correct.
And get concrete about what kind of help you need, I cannot stress this enough. Stop allowing SS to waffle about support and get them to make commitments.

Sorry, got distracted.

Put in writing what you need.
Ask for time frames and insist on written confirmation about when what is going to commence.

Of course you are exhausted, you poor thing.
I am glad that you have some RL from your friends - another set of eyes and ears at the meeting is a v good idea. Take notes during the meeting. Before the meeting write questions/needs down as they occur to you - it is very easy to forget important things in the heat of the moment.

I wish we could all rock up with you - wouldn't that be a sight to behold

I hope it goes well today. I'm glad your friends are going with you. I, too, wish we could all be there with you! we will be in spirit. Xx

Thinking of you today and your family.

Best wishes.

I have nothing useful to say, but I just wanted to say I'm still thinking of you and your little ones. I am so sorry that the system that is meant to protect and support you is failing you all so spectacularly. I really hope that the conference turns out to be useful and that they finally get a move on with the support you all need

Sorry for not updating yesterday. Tough day, so I did what I usually do and went to bed early in an effort not to have to think about anything. It didn't really work as I lay there for ages because my mind would not switch off.

Upshot is that the children remain on the CPR for another six months. Though the school and my HV clarified with me that the only reason they think that is a good idea is because they fear that if SS pull out of our case now then we would be left floundering even more then we are now - if the children remain on the CPR then at least it means SS have to do the things they say they will. Even though they actually aren't atm.

Before we went to conference I got a phone call from my SW. It didn't go well. The children have asked me to ask the SW if daddy could come and see them on Christmas day. They know that if he did, it would only be to see them open presents/have dinner and then he would go again. This happened twice last Christmas - once on actual Christmas day - I was in hospital with my DD who was seriously ill - and once at the beginning of January when we had another Christmas so that DD could celebrate. It was all agreed with the SW we had at the time, and her supervisor, and stbxdh's stepfather agreed to supervise - he signed a full disclosure form, a certificate of expectations and was told exactly what stbxdh's offence was. The contact went well, and he left after his allocated two hours. The children were completely ok about this. However, this years request has been denied. SW has spoken to the childrens guardian and she feels that it would be too confusing for the children and they would be upset by it. I am really not happy about this. Not for my sake - but for the childrens. God, they have had a horrific year, and they just want to see daddy on Christmas day. That's all. They know that he is never coming back here to live with us. They do understand that. The guardian is coming out to us tonight. I just can't understand how she can make decisions about my children when she doesn't actually know them. She has never been to case conference or core group, and has only met them three times. Yet she has so much sway, it's worrying.

Gah - drama from the kitchen, will finish updating when I can

FFS how on earth can they have so much power?! You should simply have to say that it will be happening again, who is able to supervise (stbxh's stepfather and....)? They're probably saying no so that they don't have to find someone on Christmas Day.

I hope you get through to the guardian today.

Did you get to the bottom of your SW's comment?

Back now, sorry.

Yes, did get to the bottom of the comment. After she told me about the Christmas contact being denied she asked if I had read her report and what did I think of it. I told her that it was ok, apart from the bit where she said that I would hurt my children. Apparently I was reading it wrong. As far as I know reports from SS should be clear in what they mean - there should be no room for interpretation. But, what she apparently meant was that I was vulnerable and she was worried that I would end up getting back together with stbxh. That is NOT said anywhere within her report. Anyway, we exchanged cross words on the phone, and she said that all she was trying to do was support me - I told her that sitting on my sofa once a fortnight asking me if there is anything I'd like to ask her really wasn't particularly supportive. She then asked me what exactly I wanted her to do. So I told her - either do her job and get my children the support that they so desperately need, or leave us alone. I don't think it went down well.

We then went to conference and she didn't say boo to a goose. Spoke maybe three or four times in the entire two hours and that was it. She couldn't even look at me. I feel any working relationship that we had has been badly damaged, and I think she knows it.

But in other news - DS has FINALLY been allocated a keyworker from New Pathways. Waiting to hear when he can be assessed by her, and once that's been done, proper therapy for him can start!! I won't breathe out until it's actually in place and he starts, but we're moving forward, albeit slowly.

More good news is that DS has finally started to make good progress in school. The friendship issues he was having seemed to have resolved and school say that he seems much more settled and relaxed, which is a huge relief.

And I think I've found something that is going to help his confidence tenfold. Last weekend on our local radio they held an auction of things that local businesses have donated to raise money for charity. The last hour on a Sunday evening is when everything goes for pittance and I managed to get a years scholarship to a local stage school for him - instead of it being £270 I paid just £20!! I really hope it helps him gain some confidence in himself. I think it could be just what he needs.

Good work, Opie, sounds like you gave her both barrels.

Really good news that a keyworker has been allocated, that gives you a point of contact, doesn't it. I'm sure you feel better knowing that at least one wheel is turning.

Also, very good news about the friendship issues, and the drama club. I've done lots of work with drama groups for young 'uns, and they can be brilliant for confidence, and also making more friends. Great.

I'm confused about the role of children's guardian. Is she the one who said that the Xmas contact shouldn't happen, or your new SW? Is the guardian someone that you chose?

A way up the thread I remember you were considering whether going NC with your STBXH was something you'd want to do, but you were keeping contact for the children's sake. How do you feel about that now? Is the person who is suggesting cancelling the Xmas contact perhaps looking at that as the start of minimising or stopping contact?

Sorry if these are daft questions and I've misunderstood something.

What reason did the guardian give for her belief that Christmas contact with the children would "confuse" them? And I agree, she shouldn't make such decisions without a bit more knowledge of your children, hopefully her coming out to you might resolve that a little better. The most awful aspect of it is that you can't even over-ride that or you will be in breach of the child protection order yourself, which could have devastating consequences :(

Can you appeal that decision?

I'm glad the SW clarified her point but FFS, you are absolutely right, she should have been completely open about what she meant! Ambiguity is a terrible thing to have in documents like these. I hope that the kick up the arse you gave her had some effect on her future working practices, even if she doesn't work with you any longer. Do you think it had any impact on your DS being allocated his key worker? For which, HURRAH! and I hope they get to assess him VERY SOON.

These guardians worry me; you're not the first person who has one who seems to be a bit of a loose cannon. I can see that a good one would be worth their weight in gold, but otherwise....

Is there a mechanism whereby you can negotiate with her?

Well, today has been a cluster fuck from start to finish tbh. I am beyond raging right now. If I could get my hands on that gobshite of a SW I would throttle her, I really would.

I took DS for a therapy session this morning. We arrived and his therapist said she couldn't see him, but would give me a ring later to tell me what was going on.

She finally rang late on this evening to say that DS had been given an appointment to have an assessment, prior to him starting intensive therapy.

The appointment was for 2pm YESTERDAY.

SW knew all about it though - BECAUSE SHE MADE THE FUCKING APPOINTMENT!! Yet completely neglected to mention it to me, even when asked directly by me and eight other people yesterday. She said not a fucking word.

His case worker is now trying to fit him in somewhere, but it could well be another couple of weeks.

Livid would be a complete understatement.

First thing tomorrow I shall be contacting her manager and requesting she be moved off our case. I have not trust or faith in her now. I shall also be putting in a formal complaint against her.

The came the guardian. Who is a court appointed guardian. Apparently there for the best interests of my children.

We clashed.

She is adamant that she doesn't want stbxdp here on Christmas day. I asked her why he was allowed last year - and she told me that if she'd have been on our case then, he wouldn't have been. She said she was thinking about what was best for the kids - I told her that given she's only met them three times, doesn't come to core groups or conference, who was she to tell me, their mother, what was best for them. Apparently her thirty years of doing this for a living does. I feel that they have me over a barrel completely, and they know it. She then told the kids it would be unlikely that daddy would be able to see them on Christmas day. DS was not impressed. She's coming out on Thursday to speak to me alone. Joy.

Fuck, it feels like I'm fighting against everyone this week. The Psychiatric evaluation tomorrow. Fun.