We have been let down by the justice system. [**Edited by MNHQ, thread may be triggering**]

[OpiesOldLady]

I need to get this out. Some of you will recognise the details, I posted previously under a different name, but tbh I'm sick of hiding now, and being ashamed.

My son was raped and sexually abused by my step son. He also abused my daughter. He was found guilty of two counts of rape and four counts of sexual abuse. We were led to believe that the judge would send him to crown court for sentencing and a custodial sentence would be imposed.

Today he was give a two year rehabilitation order and has been placed on the sex offenders register for five years. He has basically gotten away with a slap on the wrists.

I feel so incredibly let down. My babies had to give evidence against him, he put them through that... and yet he gets to go home tonight, free.

He will get counselling and all manner of professional help, whilst I am having to fight tooth and nail to access some proper support for my children. They are on a waiting list for intensive therapy, but that could take months. In the meantime, I have to watch as my son fades away before my eyes, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And this is justice?

I want to appeal his sentence as I think it's far too lenient, but I don't know if i'll be allowed to, I'm waiting to hear back from the Attourney Generals office.

I am swinging between being so furious, devastated and wanting to kill him with my bare hands. How could he do this and just get away with it?

You're not derailing the thread at all, hartic not at all. I very much appreciate you - and others - sharing with me what must be very difficult experiences. Thank you. It gives me hope that one day we will get to a point where this isn't the centre of everything.

I have briefly looked as mosac, thank you. I'll have a proper look again when I get some time.

Today has been tough. DS's therapy session... well, I think it went ok. I don't go in with him, as it's his space. But he was adamant he didn't want to talk. When they came out his therapist told me that she had checked and he was 'nearing the top of the list' for intensive therapy. She couldn't give a timescale. I then asked if I could schedule another appointment for DS with her and she told me to give her a ring in a few weeks if I think he needs to see her. Which is hugely helpful.

The solicitor I saw about the non molestation order wasn't that helpful either tbh. It seemed to be going well until I mentioned that i have representation from another solicitors who are representing me in a civil case that social services have brought, and it turns out the woman I saw used to work there. She said she wasn't sure if they would be able to act on our behalf but she would ring me back later once she had spoken to her colleagues. She did, and she said that she is reluctant to take on our case as she thinks that legal aid would be unhappy paying for two cases on the go with two different solicitors. Her advice was to go back to my solicitor and speak to her again about getting a non molestation order, and if she proves unhelpful then to speak to the children's guardian and ask her to request that a non molestation be put in place. She said that if neither of them will do that then I could go back to her.

I don't feel especially positive about it. When I asked my solicitor shortly after the sentencing about getting a non molestation order she told me it wasn't possible, or if it was it would be extremely difficult to get. To be honest, she didn't seem especially bothered about it.

I will be seeing my solicitor and the childrens guardian on Monday, so will obviously speak to them about it again then.

So yeah. That's been my day. And I'm tired now.

On the plus side, DD's chin is starting to scab over. She's been so brave, bless her. She's a star. They all enjoyed school movie night. I enjoyed standing in the pouring rain with dd2 for 20 mins less so. But I'm drying out and they are all tucked up asleep, fasto.

for you, Opies

What a day - draining on many levels.

Low expectations are less likely to be disappointed. Or is that a bit too Pollyanna for you?

One foot in front of the other and keep breathing
Don't go to bed too late - I am v guilty of that.

I didn't want to read and run, but don't have anything profound to share / suggest, but wanted to let you know how much I admire your fight to get your children's world back to as even a keel as you can after such horrific experiences, and to let you know I'm sending you all warm thoughts and strength, as little as that is, it's the most I can do and so really wanted to be able to do that xx

I'm sorry that both meetings were far less helpful than we'd all hoped and expected them to be. It's very deflating isn't it :(

I can't believe the therapist said to call back 'in a few weeks, if you think he needs it' FFS :( If she's saying that, how the hell long is he going to have to wait for intensive therapy :(

As for the Solicitors [grr] can you not get the new one to take all of it on instead? It's just madness, it really really is.

Glad the Big Kids enjoyed the movie, shame about you and DD2 though, not much fun At All.

Anything planned for this weekend?

Hi Opies, just caught up on the thread and have emailed you too.

So sorry to hear about DD's chin! Poor little mite, hope it will heal nicely. Please don't be concerned about the rude doctor. They do make snap judgements but the school will have the incident documented so this isn't a CP issue.

I wish you were closer so we could help you properly.

Glad the kids enjoyed movie night, hope your Saturday has been more pleasant xx

Urgh. Really tough few days. I haven't been around because I needed to not think about it all if that makes any kind of sense? DS has mostly been on a pretty even keel, but DD1 and DS3 have been really challenging. LOTS of time outs this weekend as well as DS3 just completely melting down which culminated in him biting DD2 so hard he drew blood. It's weekends like the one just gone that I really hate being a single parent and I feel like I'm just failing them all completely.

You know, it's dawned on me earlier that I may say that doing this single parent thing is really hard. And it is. It really is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But you know what? I've been doing it for over 13 months now. And we're all still here. Mostly still in one piece. Still coping and plodding on because that is what we do, right? So I must be getting something right then? I can't say that I can't do this single parenting malarkey... because weather I want to or not, I am doing it.

Revelation.

Ah yes! You've already been doing it for ages, and you're all still in one piece and you're inching ever closer to things improving. You've been dealt the shittiest hand and you're doing a marvellous job, imagine how wonderful it's going to be when your DS and DD start to recover a little from their ordeal and you have a bit more distance.

I think it's also worth reminding yourself that you've been on pause all this time because of waiting for the trial, you've done so well with absolutely minimal professional help, hopefully once DS gets into a proper therapy pattern (non of this call me in a few weeks nonsense), you'll be able to make great strides.

I really do think you have the ingredients of a very happy family, a bunch of kids whose mum is their champion? Lots of families don't have that.

Well if it's any consolation, I'm not a single parent and my Ds2 (2) bit DS1 (nearly 7) so hard tonight that he nearly drew blood - it's left a mark the size of my thumbnail on DS1's back/bottom, which is turning into a blood blister. :(
The worst bit is, he seems to do it for fun. So I wonder - is it me, did I breed a psychopath? Am I doing something wrong? Or is it just his nature? DS1 is very different, a very gentle child - so it's not just me at the bottom of this - DS2's personality/character must play a part too.

I don't know how to stop him biting. I really don't - and he doesn't do it out of anger or frustration either, he does it when he's playing and over-excited, or for fun. What in hell do I do about that??

So at least that part is not down to your parenting, or being a single parent, or anything - it's one of those things that small children sometimes do, and I don't know any better than anyone else how to deal with it.

I'm glad you recognised that you are doing the single parent bit and can do it, I think most of us spend far too much time criticising ourselves and belittling the things we are actually doing, and doing pretty well at that! So definitely and for you x

Ouchies, Thumbwitch! Your poor little lad! That must be so sore :( Kids, eh?

I do seem to be in a better frame of mind the past few days. DS seems a little more settled, so I think I'm relaxing a little more if that makes sense? We haven't had as many violent outbursts which I am glad of. I also think my insulin is kicking in finally too - although it's making me gain weight - I've put on a stone in the past six weeks

I saw my barrister the other day, and she was very understanding about me wanting to get a non molestation order. I also spoke to the children's guardian and explained to her why I wanted it and she is going to push for one as well. So fingers crossed that we will get one.

DS wrote his Christmas list for me the other day. There were only three things on it. Very random things at that. He wants a double sized caretakers sweeping brush, a pickaxe and a petrol powered chainsaw. I managed to get him a brush (£5.99 bargain) but I think i'll tell him that he might get the others when he's a grown up!

So your DS is a minecrafter is he? (The pick and saw also being on my minecraft lovers lists). Theres quite a good minecraft rubber pick around, with a not so attractive price tag - cheap foam versions are probably in the pound shop.

Glad that life is a little calmer for this moment.

Yes, he's very much into minecraft, however he means a proper actual pick. With sharp ends for breaking rocks etc.

Oh glad it's Minecraft-related, his choice of presents! I thought for a minute there he was after weapons to keep himself protected!

Yes, it was indeed very sore - and made worse by another smaller bite higher up DS1's back today, and another attempt. DS1 also had a couple of half-hearted goes at biting me too - the second time, I shoved his own hand into his mouth and told him to bite that instead, see how he liked it! Of course he didn't bite himself hard enough to really hurt, so it didn't really work. All I could do this evening was keep them apart, and not let them play together :(
I have now told Ds1 that if his brother bites him again, he'll have to do something himself, not bite back, that's not going to work - but maybe just hit out at him or something. Ds1 isn't like that, and is having troubles going against everything I've told him for the last 2 years (don't hurt the baby, be careful of the baby etc. etc) - but unless he responds in a way that DS2 really doesn't like, it's not going to stop. I've tried reasoning, but he doesn't get reasoning. He says sorry then does it again the next minute!

Glad your barrister and children's guardian are pushing for the non-mol order, that should help your Ds1 settle even more if he knows his abuser can't come near him.

This reminded me from that scene in The Shawshank Redemption with the rock hammer.

Any way here's another thought on the subject junior geologists kit great for family days out fossil hunting. I'm sure that shopping around the things could be brought cheaper but the idea of the kit would go down really well with my eldest two so I may be talking myself into buying some bits.

Sorry for abandoning this thread. Things here have been a bit fraught. It appears that what I thought was DS settling down earlier on in the week was actually the calm before the storm. And what a storm!

DS completely lost it the other morning, over a cereal bowl of all things. I'd given him the wrong one apparently. He completely lost it, screaming, raging, throwing things and kicking and punching. I removed him into the hall and as I was dealing with him, DD started having a meltdown too. Because the school tights I'd put out for her were black not red. I have an expedit unit in the living room that I use for toy storage, and she pulled all eight boxes out and upended them on the floor. She then went into the kitchen and opened a 3 ltr bottle of blackcurrant juice which she proceeded to throw everywhere, floor, units, clean clothes... every fucking where. Whilst all this was happening I was trying to calm DS down but he was kicking and punching and kicked me accidently just under my jaw. Bloody hurts.

Eventually managed to calm both of them down then got them to school and cleaned up.

Younger DS started this morning. Bit me hard on the arm because he didn't want to wear his jumper. I've been called into his teacher every day this week because he has been hurting other children.

Then when they got back from contact DD threw a full cup of (thankfully lukewarm) tea over DS. She got sent straight to bed for that one.

I'm just about done with this week. It's been really tough. I did have a phone call earlier, from the place that gives DS and DD sporadic counselling, we're on their waiting list for intensive therapy, and when they rang my hopes shot up that they were finally able to help us. Nope. Turns out that someone had run the London Marathon for them and they were using the sponsor money to take some children to see a pantomime, and would I like to take my children? Lovely, they will really enjoy it... BUT IT'S NOT WHAT THEY DESPERATELY NEED!!!!

Sorry, I'm aware that I'm ranting now, but I'm just so frustrated. Sometimes I feel as though I'm living in a war zone and the constant having to tread on eggs shells is so bloody wearing. It's hard work.

It sounds like your children (and you?) could benefit from having somewhere to release their feelings, like the old mattress idea that a PP suggested, or maybe a sporty thing. It's totally understandable, especially if they're trying to keep it together at school, this stuff needs to be released somewhere.

If you feel despondent that you are trying to access support and protection but find your efforts are frustrated, have a break, then come back and (if you feel up to it) be the squeaky wheel, annoy the counseling services etc and let them know that they are failing you. Maybe send emails up the chain asking the difficult questions of why they won't help your family, and keep referring up to more senior management until they take notice. Just an idea.

Best wishes.

Sorry I've not posted this week.

However, YOU have nothing to apologise for. This is YOUR thread, use it how you want to. Don't feel obliged to post. It's here to HELP you, not be another 'must do' you have more than enough of those!!

I'm sorry it has been so stormy :( and what a horrible mess for you to have had to have tidied up - blackcurrant of all things I think I would have just sat down and cried tbh.

You have, you can and you have no choice about this 'single parenting lark' It is what it is! You are doing a brilliant job, you have just parented your way through a year that would have most people on their knees - you survived it!

xx

Can you ring your GP? I think your younger children are probably reacting to your Ds1's actions, but they'll keep bouncing off each other and create a whirlwind of ever increasing awfulness unless you can stop one element of it - I don't know who else you need to ring but you NEED that counselling for Ds1 desperately. Can the school help at all? I'm so so sorry it's been so awful, I wish I could help more directly.

I did sit and cry to be honest - and I'm still finding dried on blackcurrant juice in random nooks and crannies!

mipmop at the moment, there a loads of people chasing things up. My sw is ringing everywhere weekly, as is the children's guardian, their school and my solicitor. Sadly it's just an indictment of what a sad society we live in that there are waiting lists for such specialist help. And to be honest, although we desperately need help now, what's to say those in front of us on the list don't either? One thing I've learnt this past year is that you never know what battles people are facing. Yes, it would be horrendous to think of a family in a worse scenario then we are at the moment, but there may well be and I guess we just have to be patient and wait our turn, as hard as it is.

But there have been fun moments this week - it's not been all bad. I got DS his much longed for Sweeping Brush!!

I certainly didn't mean to post anything that made you feel you had to justify how often you and everyone else you mentioned are chasing things up, or explain anything about how you're handling this. I've used the written email tactic when SW departments seemed to be stonewalling a vulnerable person, and it worked in that case. I remember your situation unfolding last year. I'll wish you all the best.

In the meantime then I suggest you see if there is an area you can turn over to being the "anger release" area. If you can get a punch bag, or even a very large solid cushion, and some softish balls or beanbags that can be thrown as hard as they like without being likely to cause much damage. If it can be a whole room, so much the better, just tell them to go to the Anger room, shut the door and beat seven bells out of whatever they need to. But they're not allowed to do it anywhere else in the house.

I know you didn't, mipmop, honestly.

Aldi have a punchball set in at the moment that I'm going to try and pick up tomorrow. See if that helps any.

I'm not sure with DR, how much is anger and how much is down to her ADHD. I just know it's really tough atm.

It might not be her being angry though - it might be her reacting to the unsettled atmosphere that your DS1's anger is creating - and she might not be able to express her own discomfort in any other way than acting up too. She's probably scared of the current situation (and of course there's her own history too) and just can't deal with it.

I don't know, I'm just offering suggestions but I don't think it's coming directly from her, iyswim.

You'll be finding black current when you have grandchildren visiting

What are your plans for today?