We have been let down by the justice system. [**Edited by MNHQ, thread may be triggering**]

[OpiesOldLady]

I need to get this out. Some of you will recognise the details, I posted previously under a different name, but tbh I'm sick of hiding now, and being ashamed.

My son was raped and sexually abused by my step son. He also abused my daughter. He was found guilty of two counts of rape and four counts of sexual abuse. We were led to believe that the judge would send him to crown court for sentencing and a custodial sentence would be imposed.

Today he was give a two year rehabilitation order and has been placed on the sex offenders register for five years. He has basically gotten away with a slap on the wrists.

I feel so incredibly let down. My babies had to give evidence against him, he put them through that... and yet he gets to go home tonight, free.

He will get counselling and all manner of professional help, whilst I am having to fight tooth and nail to access some proper support for my children. They are on a waiting list for intensive therapy, but that could take months. In the meantime, I have to watch as my son fades away before my eyes, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And this is justice?

I want to appeal his sentence as I think it's far too lenient, but I don't know if i'll be allowed to, I'm waiting to hear back from the Attourney Generals office.

I am swinging between being so furious, devastated and wanting to kill him with my bare hands. How could he do this and just get away with it?

Oh Opies, I am so full of admiration for you holding it together for your family. I know that it doesn't feel like it to you, but bl**dy hell, you are dealing with all of this and still writing in full sentences!

Do so hope that your dss therapist can get things moving for him. He so deserves a safe space in which he can talk, or not and start to heal, in his own time.

Echoing the posters who have recommended a punchbag. Do you have somewhere where you could hang something like this up for him? I would happily send it to you, if you had space, and gave your ds something to hit, other than his sister or you.

One final thought. He is angry and hurting, so is projecting his feelings out so that you will all feel angry and hurt too, so that you can see how he is feeling. You probably know that. Would it help to respond to him, as well as reprimanding him for whatever he is doing, to start off by saying "DS you are feeling very very angry, aren't you, but you can't hit DD" "DS I know that you are feeling very cross, but go and hit your pillow instead" . . . etc. Start by naming the feeling you/he is feeling then move on?

Hope that helps a bit. Thinking of you.

If you do decide to go for the punchbag, looks like one of these might be useful.

HTH

Yy to naming the feeling.

And no, not too harsh - punish the behaviour, not the feeling.
to you.

Hi OpiesOldLady,
We hope you don't mind but we have been asked to add a trigger warning to your post and have done so. We are full of admiration and hope that you are as okay as can be.

Gosh, I'm so sorry. I never even thought that I might upset someone with this thread, that was never my intention. I'm sorry. I feel so bad now. I just... it's been so cathartic having somewhere I can write it all down. I never thought that it might be upsetting for someone. I'm so sorry

Love, when you started this thread you were in no state to think beyond 'getting it out'. Don't worry about it, MN have sorted it now xx

Opie, please don't feel bad about starting the thread. You need to vent.
This thread has been here for nearly a month, without needing any editing. If Mumsnet themselves had issues with what you had written, they would have edited it many days ago.

Opies I just want to leave you some and hugs and love for you and your children.

Never, ever apologise my friend. How many times have you helped other people on the bereaved Mums thread? I know you have helped me a million and one times. I cannot imagine how you are dealing with all this. I try not to be 'soppy' on MNet but you have 'forced me into it!!!!' I know we have never met in RL - we have spoken often and late into the night on MN, we have spoken on the phone and fbooked each other - BUT if I had a problem and needed advice, if I needed a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on it would always be you.

YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB - YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN DO....AND YOUR BEST IS JUST AMAZING.

I send you my love and thanks for being the best friend I have 'never met' in real life.

Chin up....smile pinned on...one foot in front of the other and dont forget to breathe xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Don't worry about how others take your thread. You are completely safe to say whatever you need to.

Needless to say, I am horrified by the way the case has gone, and by the lack of support you and your children are (not) getting.

Also, applaud how you're handling it. Lost in admiration for you, in fact.

I actually feel quite bad now, about starting this thread. It was never my intention to upset anyone. I apologise it if has. It's just... there a only a few real life people I can talk to about this, and frankly I don't want them to feel I'm burdening them. This is all such a huge thing in my life atm, and I feel so alone with it. I feel totally responsible for this situation, and living with the guilt of it all is so constantly wearing. I really thought I was ok to vent here. Maybe I should just ask for it to be pulled. Just goes to show that my judgement once again is fucked.

I was supposed to be seeing a solicitor this morning about a non molestation order. Unfortunately DS3 has been up most of the night, poorly. He's a temp of 38.9 atm, despite calpol, and a hideous cough and lots of snozzles. I really can't take him with me, I feel bad enough having to take him out on the school run, and there is no one who could watch him for an hour at all. My appointment was for 9am, so I'm going to try ringing from about 8.30. I really hope they don't mind me postponing on such short notice

I have been so moved reading this. I experienced abuse as a child and one of the most damaging things for me was the fact that I kept it secret. These things need to be talked about.

Your Dc have been heard and believed and you have done and are doing everything you possibly can to try to make things right. This will mean so much to them on their road to recovery.

A therapist once told me that all abuse survivors have scars, but it's a question of how well those wounds have been tended, nursed and healed. It sounds like you are doing the best you can by your Dc.

Could you have a phone consulation instead of being there in person?

Consultation sorry .

Sweetheart, don't feel bad about starting the thread. It's exactly what MN is for. MNHQ have sorted it with a tweak to the title: you and your dcs deserve all the help anyone can give.

Yy to asking if you can do the appointment by telephone.

Best of luck

I've managed to rearrange the solicitors appointment for after DS's therapy session on Friday morning. Huge relief.

Ds took a hammer to my kitchen door earlier. Any ideas how I can fix it? Some of the holes have gone through to the inner.

Please don't feel bad about starting the thread. It would be more upsetting if people read content like this and weren't shocked and upset for you. Don't forget people are also full of admiration for how well your coping and how strong the human spirit can be, this is quite inspiring and can even help to gain a sense of proportion on other issues in life. On this thread we've read about some of the worst human behaviour and we're seeing the the best in the love and nurture you're providing to your little ones.

As you know yourself when in an emotionally heightened state sometimes you feel you just can't cope with anything else, the straw that breaks the camels back springs to mind, i'm sure for some people who are in a very bad position emotionally themselves at present they need mumsnet for momentary distraction, if such a thing is possible, or even similar threads of their own. Its just too much to know that this is happening to someone else. The trigger thing gives those (hopefully very few) people that option to not feel more emotional stress and navigate through the boards. Thats my interpretation of it anyway. Its not to in any way intended to stop those who need to express and work through things like yourself.

On a very selfish note, talking to you here about things does make me realise I'm not in the darkness anymore. I am planning again and have started to realise that i can stop and breathe and its okay to feel a bit content. Self indulgent, when you're in such pain, but it has helped me and for that I'm grateful (not that i would wish pain on anyone else to enable me to realise life is moving again)

Regarding illness and children, you have my sympathy. We have a tummy/ fever bug doing the rounds. DD had it Sat- Mon, DS2 mon, tues and DS1 announced he is not right this morning, so he's now off from school.

I would dearly love a great big pause button that I could pause the world, catch up on some sleep, get many practical things done, get a bit of shopping in etc then unpause and have caught my tail.

Regarding the kitchen door, if its a painted finish and you can colour match a big pot of filler goes a long way. Stuff the bulk of the whole with scraps of wood/ cardboard then overfill very slightly, leave till properly dry (48 hrs) if its deep then sand back to smooth and paint.

If its not painted new doors aren't terribly expensive if you can get a similar match. If you don't know the make upload a picture of the door and dimensions and i'll do a web search for you.

Do you uave an old mattress and a safe space outside? DS needs to be able to express his anger in a safe way, but he - quite reasonably - has so much inside him that he can't keep it in and it's coming out violently. (I know you know this.) If he had something that he could lash out at, in a place that is safe for him to do so, it might help him offload some of it.

I know people will be horrified that you allow him to be violent, or encourage him to be so, but it is a temporary measure to allow him to let off some of that steam safely. Extreme solution for an extreme situation. I am quite prepared to be told I am totally wrong.

Opies Stop, just stop. You haven't done anything wrong posting here, nothing. It's not as if your title was triggering, let it go.

Sorry to hear DS3 isn't well, hope he picks up soon & glad you could rearrange the solicitors for this week.

The door, what construction is it?

Have you taken longtallsally's offer up? I would if I were you!
X

On the upside, he listened about not hurting anyone else, it's only a door. Not ideal, granted, but not you or one of the kids x

Opie - you needed to vent, this is a space to vent, you are allowed to do so. Your thread is for your support - please let it stand. OK, someone found your OP triggering - and has asked for MNHQ to adjust the title to reflect that - but that is down to them to deal with, you have to remember that.
and

Sorry to hear about your door - and yes, what type of door and finish is it?

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be such a drama queen. I just struggle with which way is up at the moment. I will leave the thread here. I need it.

I want to reply to everyone directly, but that will have to wait until later - I'm exhausted today. DS2, DS3 and DD2 all slept in my bed with me last night. If DS3 had not been laying on me I would have gotten up and gone and slept in his bed. I dislike bed sharing immensely, but it seems to have happened anyway. I guess it is what it is, and i'll suck it up. I so need a bigger bed though.

Re the kitchen door. It's just a standard issue council one. I've only just hung it back up as it was easier not to have a door there, but the council thought it was a fire hazard so I put it up again.

And yes, I'm glad he hit the door with the hammer, as opposed to anyone.

Oh it's not too bad, a bit of wood filler and varnish will have that sorted. How often are the council there? If it's in the way, I'd remove it again. They don't live there.