We have been let down by the justice system. [**Edited by MNHQ, thread may be triggering**]

[OpiesOldLady]

I need to get this out. Some of you will recognise the details, I posted previously under a different name, but tbh I'm sick of hiding now, and being ashamed.

My son was raped and sexually abused by my step son. He also abused my daughter. He was found guilty of two counts of rape and four counts of sexual abuse. We were led to believe that the judge would send him to crown court for sentencing and a custodial sentence would be imposed.

Today he was give a two year rehabilitation order and has been placed on the sex offenders register for five years. He has basically gotten away with a slap on the wrists.

I feel so incredibly let down. My babies had to give evidence against him, he put them through that... and yet he gets to go home tonight, free.

He will get counselling and all manner of professional help, whilst I am having to fight tooth and nail to access some proper support for my children. They are on a waiting list for intensive therapy, but that could take months. In the meantime, I have to watch as my son fades away before my eyes, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And this is justice?

I want to appeal his sentence as I think it's far too lenient, but I don't know if i'll be allowed to, I'm waiting to hear back from the Attourney Generals office.

I am swinging between being so furious, devastated and wanting to kill him with my bare hands. How could he do this and just get away with it?

Of that I am certain, chipping!!

We've had a bit of a quiet one today. Went to see my dad, went shopping - got DS a punchball set which seems to be a big hit.

Planning to sort out the decorations today and tomorrow, with a view to putting them up on Monday. We have evil creepy doll elf on the shelf coming as well, so that should be fun!

Oh that all sounds nice :)

How's your Dad doing?

Is the punchball freestanding?

Yes, it's attached to a platform thingy and has a big spring in it so it bounces back. Which DS didn't realise the first time he hit it and it hit him back It came with boxing gloves too - a tenner well spent, I think

Dad's well.. dad. He bought the kids an advent calendar each three weeks ago. And he bought them one a fortnight ago too, because he couldn't remember where he'd put the first lot. Took him shopping the other day and he bought them another one each because he said he hadn't bought them one. Add that to the one each I got them... and that's 16 sodding advent calendars!! I can see us melting them down to make rice crispie cakes!! Still, you have to laugh, eh?

Does your Dad have Alzheimer's, Opies? Or has he always been a bit forgetful?

Glad the punchball is a "hit" (hahaha) - hopefully it will give him an outlet and he'll be calmer elsewhere.

A tenner? Wow, that is good let's hope the dentist doesn't cost you more

Oh bless him Opies. It's hard though isn't it :(

But right now, just laugh, because 'too much chocolate' is bearable (if you ignore why - head in sand, best place for now!!)
x

He has vascular dementia, thumb. He was finally diagnosed in March this year, after a few incidents, him having hallucinations of people being in his home when they weren't, a bad fall which included a broken nose and 60 stitches and an incident where I had to get the police to break into his house because I couldn't rouse him. Having said that, he's been fairly stable for a few months now, though his memory is obviously not what it was. I've been proactive though - I've had to be as there is only me to look after him - and I've put things in place so that he can remain in his home for as long as he possibly can. I've also got power of attorney for him, both medical and financial.

Hi, Opies, you're really being needed on so many fronts, aren't you?

Dementia is such a cruel condition . IME it is a really good thing that you have done some forward planning wrt your father's care and the legal side of it. There's no predicting when it can get worse and it's just heartbreaking.

Wrt blackcurrent covered kitchen: OMG. Just that.
You really must have the patience of a saint - I think I may have lost the plot faces with all that.

No wisdom here, just posting to say how much I admire you well you are managing in the face of so bloody much adversity. Truly.

I really don't have much patience. I'm a very shouty Mammy, I really am. I do realise that's not really a good thing, but it's just the way it is atm.

The blackcurrant incident.. well tbh that's only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to DD. Even before all this happened she was... very hard work. Her behaviour has always been very challenging and tbh I struggle. She has form for violence and destruction. She's pushed her brother down the stairs, thrown a tin of blackboard paint down the stairs which exploded halfway down (and all over my new brown boots ). Then there was the time when she was sent to her room for a time out and she emptied the hoover over her brand new carpet and poured water over it. Then put a chair on top of it. And today she got the milk out and upended it all over the recycling bags (WHY????) It just goes beyond the normal naughty. I try to tell her that actions have consequences etc, and when I speak to her she just either tells me to shut up or that she doesn't have to listen to me. Saying that though, she can be so gentle and loving and kind too. She just seems such a Jekyll and Hyde. And some days.. she breaks me.

Today has been a tough one. I've spent it mostly cleaning. Trying to tidy up and make it nice before putting the decorations up tomorrow. The children are at school/nursery then contact tomorrow evening and won't be home til six-ish, so I thought I would spend the day making it all pretty for them. We're doing Elf on the shelf creepy eyed fecker and he's just arroved with advent calendars and Santa's for them.

I've also been trying to deny it, but I'm going into flare. I have osteoarthritis and every so often it flares. Today it's flaring and I'm not expecting to be able to do much tomorrow. If I wasn't on my own with the kids I would take all the good meds and go to bed, but I have to make do with co-codamol and naproxen until the kids go to bed then I can take some stronger meds and go to bed.

I have to ring my solicitor tomorrow to see how things are progressing with the non molestation order tomorrow. I've got quite a list to get through.

Opies, look after yourself, really, do prioritise yourself a little bit. If you collapse in a heap you are of no help to anybody, so it's not a 'selfish' act to do what you can for yourself .

My DS2(10) has anger issues, no fuse at all, gets physical with v little warning or build up, I have seen him kick his 4 years younger brother across a room . He IS improving with increasing maturity, but… I know with him it's down to v low self-esteem, really does not like himself, v much works with 'attack is the best defence'.
We had great support (repeatedly) from a Primary Care Counsellor attached to his school.

It is so, so hard when behaviour is so outside 'normal' naughtiness or just ill-considered actions and I have no pertinent advice, just hope that you have some support for DD and yourself. Does she have a diagnosis of any particular behavioural problem?

I hope tomorrow is a productive day which brings results and the OA settles right down again pronto x.

Oh Opies - she does sound hard work, yes. I am also a shouty mummy - I tried for a while not to, but although it worked fine with DS1, DS2 just took it as a sign that I was going soft
Toddlers! Who'd have 'em...

I know this isn't the right time for you to really have to think about this, but have you noticed at all if there are any food triggers that make her worse? Or are there any fruits or veg that she particularly eats lots of? A friend of mine has a 6yo who is sensitive to salicylates and if he has too much it sends his behaviour up the wall - violence, destruction, aggression, not knowing what to do with himself, really, emotionally volatile, you name it. Once he went low-salicylate, his behaviour improved massively - so did his communication ability (he has dyspraxia and had verbal apraxia, although that's improving all the time).

Happy to discuss it more, either here or on PM, if you want to - but as I said, might not be the right time.

She's been put on the ADHD pathway. She seems to present as a girl would and I would be very surprised if she doesn't have it. She is so impulsive and has no control of herself a lot of the time. Simple things cause huge meltdowns - I forgot to bring her a drink up to bed last night, cue huge meltdown at 4am which then woke everyone up. Much to my annoyance, she will not eat much fruit, except oranges and occasionally melon. She does like veggies though - carrots, green beans and broccoli being favourites. I try and get as much as those into her as I can. She's funny about food - mash potatoes are too soft, boiled potatoes and chips 'aren't soft or hard, just yuk'. Consequently we eat lots of pasta and rice. It's funny, because my DS3, who is also on the ADHD pathway won't eat anything that's chrunchy or too hard. They are like Jack Sprat and his wife.

I'm just having some quiet time before attempting to put the decorations up. I love it when I'm here on my own and theres no noise and it's totally quiet. Bliss.

And there it is - broccoli. One of the top "indicators" for salicylate sensitivity (apples is another but you said she doesn't eat those).

salicylatesensitivity.com/about/ if you want to read more - luckily green beans are low in salicylate so you can keep feeding her those, and if she'll switch to cabbage or cauliflower instead of broccoli that would be better. Carrots are "moderate" so need to be limited more, if you want to try her on this to see if there's an improvement. salicylatesensitivity.com/about/food-guide/vegetables/
salicylatesensitivity.com/about/food-guide/fruits/ Oranges and melons are both high in salicylates, oranges are in the highest category. :(

They love these things because they crave them - but the food they crave is bad for their behaviour. :(

If she will only eat those very limited few fruit and veg, I can entirely understand why you would decide that it's too hard to try and change things - but it might help her behaviour, and once the effects of the salicylates are removed, she might consider trying some other (low salicylate) alternatives.

Broccoli is High, on that list, but carrots are moderate and beans are low. I was wondering if you can find things on that list which are moderate, low or negligible which you can gradually introduce in small amounts with higher rated things that she does like, and gradually change the proportions of each. It would take a while and quite a bit of planning, but if you do it carefully, it might make it easier than just going straight to cold turkey, as it were.

What do you think Thumb? You know more about this than I. Would you say slow gradual substitution or large fast change works best? (this is a question for my own interest, I'm not expecting you, Opie, to just go along with any of it! No pressure - you've got quite enough of that.)

I'm no expert but generally I would say that doing it gradually could be problematic because the high-intensity foods are still present; so you wouldn't get the obvious behavioural changes that you get when you go cold turkey, meaning that you wouldn't know if there was a problem there or not. From the child's point of view, they might also refuse to eat anything but the favoured foods if they're still on offer, and it becomes easier to just give in and carry on, so long as they're eating something.

Cauliflower is a good alternative to broccoli because you can sell it as "white broccoli" and it looks quite similar in plant form, yet it is low in salicylate. I wouldn't remove the carrots at the first stage, but I would definitely discontinue the broccoli and oranges completely, and only offer carrots maybe 3 or 4 times a week instead of daily. Beans can be daily though because they're low.

Wow, it all sounds so complicated. To be honest, I've never heard of any of this before, but I will give it a go. There was I thinking I was doing something good, giving her lots of veggies that I know she would eat, when all the time they may have been harming her and contributing to the terrible behaviour I will try cutting it out completely and see if it makes a difference. She really doesn't like cauliflower at all, but will eat a bit of cabbage so will try that instead. Sigh. Just another parenting fail, another of many.

No no no - you weren't harming her, not at all! Not a parenting fail if you didn't know about it, how could it be? Unless someone helps you to this knowledge, you can't possibly know about it, so you do the best you can with the knowledge you have.

You are still doing a really great job, doing the best for your children. The bad things that have happened have been outside of your knowledge and control, so they cannot be counted as "fails" - as soon as you have the extra knowledge, you act on it - what more could you hope to do? xx

No it's not a parenting fail at all.

When I was a baby the cot was painted with lead paint. I used to eat the paint off its railings. Was that a fail on my parents' part? No. All paint had lead in it, and the dangers weren't known in the 50s.

When dd was small we were encouraged to give lots of fruit, now we're not because fructose is so bad for teeth. I wasn't failing for giving her fruit, any more than you are failing dd by giving her what pretty well anyone would think was a good diet, and which for most people would be.

We do the best we can, with the knowledge we have. So much of this is new knowledge.

Yes, yes it is. And sometimes it feels like my mind is going to explode with it all. I am so so tired and I just want to stop thinking. But I can't. My mind doesn't ever seem to stop racing.

I rang for another appointment for another appointment for DS to see his therapist today. The earliest she could see him was a week today and was quite offish, asking if I was sure he needed to see her. Meh. It has now been nine weeks since the trial, and we were led to believe that the specialist help that he so badly needs would be waiting in the wings ready to pick him up as soon as it was over.

I'm not convinced that the therapist your DS is seeing quite knows her job, tbh! I hate to cast aspersions on her professionalism, but really? does he "need" to see her? YES, you tit, he DOES! (her being the tit, not you, obviously)

Opies - what support are you getting? Has anyone offered or suggested counselling for you? It sounds like you're in a bit of a tailspin yourself just now and you need support QUICKLY.

Have you seen your GP recently for yourself? (you might have said, I can't remember, sorry ). If not, please do go, sob all over them if you have to, but you need to do it because if you break, then there won't be anyone left to pick up the pieces. :(

I still wish I was close enough to help you practically but I'm not. All I can do is be here for you through your night. x

Yes, I am beginning to wonder about her tbh... but it's a case that without her there is literally NOTHING. I suppose something is better than nothing, though I am beginning to wonder.

I'm not actually getting any support tbh. I was told that I would have therapy when DS was having his, but that never happened. I asked SS for help and they told me to go and see my GP - by this time I was already on AD's - and saw a counsellor advisor who said he thought I would benefit from counselling and sent me away with a handful of leaflets and told me to ring them to arrange something. Firstly, I just haven't had the time to arrange something, secondly I have no childcare to look after the youngest, and thirdly I simply couldn't afford to pay for it myself. I guess this is my therapy atm.

Childcare is definitely an issue, but your GP might be able to set you up with some NHS counselling (I know there's a waiting list etc but still, might as well get on it) and if they did, is there anyone at all who you'd be able to leave your youngest with for an hour or so?

There are quite a few charities around these days which finance free or low cost counselling for people. I went to one organised by a local church - it took place in the church but that was as far as churchiness went. I 'negotiated' a price with the counsellor which amounted to me saying what I could afford and her saying Ok. I saw her for nearly 2 years and she was FABULOUS.

Sometimes surgeries know about those sort of services, but not always. Sometimes leaflets are left lying around in church entrances or shops. Sometimes you'll fond something via the net. If there's a branch of a charity, not a charity shop, but some sort of community service place, ask in there. Your local council may have a list too.

I am so, so sorry for everything your family has been and is still going through. Regarding counselling/childcare, have you considered a Home-Start volunteer? Although we are not supposed to act as babysitters, this is absolutely the kind of situation where we would be able to help, by taking care of your youngest so you could access counselling, or even by coming with you to the appointment if you felt you needed moral or practical support. You are eligible for HS support if you have at least one child under 5, and you can either self-refer or ask your HV/GP for a referral. In our area we have more volunteers than families at the moment, and if the same is true in your area you should be matched pretty quickly.
Here's a link for you to find your local branch: Home-Start
It's not much I know, but I hope this helps.

Opie, I second the Home Start suggestion, they can really be of help. And also about counselling, NHS waiting lists move in strange ways, so make sure you're all on it. In the meantime, there is likely to be a charity counselling service in your area. Many will be run by religious organisations but won't have any 'religiosity' to the counselling. And they will work at a price that you can afford. It is really important to have a good counsellor. In some cases, a bad one can do more harm than good.
See if the school/GP can make any suggestions to point you in the right direction.
Hope you can get something in the pipelines. Thinking of you all. x