We have been let down by the justice system. [**Edited by MNHQ, thread may be triggering**]

[OpiesOldLady]

I need to get this out. Some of you will recognise the details, I posted previously under a different name, but tbh I'm sick of hiding now, and being ashamed.

My son was raped and sexually abused by my step son. He also abused my daughter. He was found guilty of two counts of rape and four counts of sexual abuse. We were led to believe that the judge would send him to crown court for sentencing and a custodial sentence would be imposed.

Today he was give a two year rehabilitation order and has been placed on the sex offenders register for five years. He has basically gotten away with a slap on the wrists.

I feel so incredibly let down. My babies had to give evidence against him, he put them through that... and yet he gets to go home tonight, free.

He will get counselling and all manner of professional help, whilst I am having to fight tooth and nail to access some proper support for my children. They are on a waiting list for intensive therapy, but that could take months. In the meantime, I have to watch as my son fades away before my eyes, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And this is justice?

I want to appeal his sentence as I think it's far too lenient, but I don't know if i'll be allowed to, I'm waiting to hear back from the Attourney Generals office.

I am swinging between being so furious, devastated and wanting to kill him with my bare hands. How could he do this and just get away with it?

YY, what Chipping said.

And you're absolutely NOT being a drama queen, you've just got a billion things whizzing round your head like hamsters on speed at the moment, so your disquiet is completely understandable. (((hugs)))

That door is completely cheaply repairable as pp said a bit of filler, sand back and then personally I'd paint.

I had in my head kitchen cupboard door.

To be honest with all thats going on right now i'd go for a poster taped on, sticking up some of your lovely beach photos, or big reward chart for the DC, if you can't bear to look at the dents.

Don't mention reward charts!!! I am sick to the back teeth of them!! SS insisted that we have 'parenting support' come in and help with the childrens behaviour. Forgetting the fact that they have been through incredible trauma and two of them have ADHD, they insisted we use a reward chart. It didn't work. Nor did any of the many other stratergies they asked me to put in place. They eventually retreated and said there was nothing more they could do for us as they didn't respond as 'normal' children would. Sigh.

Good to know it's easily repairable. One less stress.

The big bed thing, i've so been there. I like my bed, its the one bloomin space thats meant to be mine. When it was just me and my boys and they were very little I once moved things around so i had two double mattresses on the floor. Made for much more space when they inevitably crept in with me and managed to sleep spread eagled so i'd be curled up in one corner or scared to drop off incase they fell off the bed.

Well, at least you got rid of those twats. Honest to god I wonder which planet some of them are beamed down from!

Unless it's bothering you, I wouldn't worry about the door for now either. Mind you, as I said, I'd have it off again if it's in your way. Deal with it if/when you move out. Or get DS to do it next summer when he can do it outside, good bit of therapy maybe?

Yes, I like my bed too. I even resented sharing it with manshape, nevermind an octopus, a leech and a camel.

No, the door isn't bothering me. And although it is in the way a little, it's much warmer with it up, so i'll probably leave it there, til spring at least.

And good idea about getting him t fix it next summer - I think he would like that.

An octopus, a leech and a camel...

Opies

Really, truly, I wish I could send you some flowers.

The reason this thread is upsetting is because the subject matter is upsetting: to anybody, for sure, but more so to you and yours who have to live with past events. I have quite ambivalent feelings about trigger warnings, but accept that some vulnerable people will respond more strongly to upsetting subject matter than I might, so well done to MNHQ for having added a warning (I expect they will have been asked to).

This does not mean in the very least that you should feel bad for having started this thread. It is your thread, for your support (or for ranting - whatever is needed).

Re kitchen door: put a bit poster up. Nice landscape or something funny that makes you smile. Or the kids giggle.

I hope your poorly DS will feel better soon and well done for having been able to reschedule the solicitor's appointment.

Bed = haven.
Defend at all cost IMO.
I have ended up moving myself in to one of the kids' beds after they ALL descended on mine...

This morning was much better. DS was lots calmer. So he got his permission slip to take in for the movie night tomorrow. However DD decided it would be her turn to act out.

I know I've not spoken much about her on this thread. It's not been intentional. I guess I've been focusing so much on DS that sometimes she gets forgotten about. All the abuse they suffered is truly awful, but I sometimes forget that because DS was hurt so much more by stepson, that doesn't mean that he didn't hurt her. I think I'm making a mess of what I'm trying to say but I hope you can understand. She doesn't seem as affected by it as DS does. She seems more upset about STBXH not living here anymore then she does about what stepson did to her.

She acts out a lot. But it's difficult to know if its a reaction to the abuse, or if it's because she has ADHD. She presents typically as a girl with ADHD would. She has no impulse control, no reasoning and is totally literal. She can be very very full on and sometimes I'm glad to get her to school just for a break. That sounds awful, but it's true. I love her so much, but she is very hard work at times and constant. She's a strong force of will and if she doesn't want to do something, she certainly won't. She can be very violent too, and when she rages we all know about it.

Saying that though, she's truly amazing. So headstrong and wilful and she knows her own mind right enough. She's confident and loud and isn't afraid to try anything. She's the kind of girl you'll find climbing trees whilst wearing a tutu and fairy wings. She scourges the life out of her brothers (and me!) but will then slide onto your lap for a cuddle and makes your heart melt. I am so proud of her.

She's struggling with STBXH not being here. She cries daily for him. She knows he can't come back here, and why. She misses him dreadfully. He's the only daddy she's ever known.

Gosh, that's been quite an essay! I guess I'm just rambling now, but it's helpful to get it out. I feel at a loss at the moment. Things are happening around me and I have no control over them. Control of things is hugely important to me.

Have you heard of/ used the support of SNAPCymru?

They are a support group for parents of special needs children (whether or not they have a diagnosis). They do lots of stuff, you can see on the website, but something they do really well (i speak from personal experience) is help you work through the minefield of educational support needs for your children. They will provide someone to attend meetings with you and help ensure that things are handled properly and professionally with regards to getting full support for your DC.

Has your DD had any CAMH's appointments? Have you ever considered possible autistic traits in parallel with ADHD? It presents slightly differently in girls and they tend to mask it more.

I've heard of SNap yes, they helped me fight and win an appeal to get DS3 statemented.

Am currently sat in A&E with DD waiting to have her chin sewn up.

Oh no, what happened?

Sorry, got to go, should have already left for the school run! Will check in as soon as I get internet coverage...hope you're both as ok as possible xxx

Oh, no, poor chin, poor DD and poor you - I hope they'll be able to glue her chin instead of suturing it.

You have to prioritise - in practical stuff and emotionally too. You cannot be all things to all people all of the time - none of us can.

"Control of things is hugely important to me" - it is heartbreaking to read you saying that when control has so thorough been taking from you by past events . Maybe it would make like a bit less draining just now if you could accept that some things by their v nature are beyond your control?
Mindfullness an'all that - there's some useful stuff online if you are interested.

Hope you are out of A+E quickly

You know what got to me most about being abused? The lack of action, support or anything really, from my family. That's what screwed me up.
You have and continue to be amazing.. you are in a awful, horrific situation, it isn't fair, it isn't right and it is not your fault.

Your children will come through this. It won't ever go away, but it won't be the whole of their life.
I was abused for a long time as a kid. I'm married now, have a senior role in a company and I have two beautiful children. It doesn't define me. It won't define your son either.

Opies - have just done quiet crying reading hartics message. So much truth in just a few lines. I know it doesnt feel like it right now but it will be OK - I know it will - never, ever perfect but OK sounds pretty good to me. xxxx

Hartic It's heartbreaking that so many kids go through what you went though x

Opies I hope you weren't stuck in A&E for too long x

Thank you so much for your messages, so so personal. Thank you for sharing what must be extremely difficult things to talk about, with me. I've had some lovely PM's too, which I'll reply to in a moment.

We got back from the hospital about 5.30 last night. DD had fallen in the yard at dinnertime and had cut her chin. I got a phonecall to say I needed to pick her up and take her to A&E, and I almost flew to the school. She's taken a lump out of the underside of her chin, and after almost 5 hours at the hospital, they cleaned it and then declared it was too wide to either stitch or steri-strip and too jagged to glue. So they decided to do nothing, and let it scab over instead and hope it doesn't scar. She's saying it's very sore so have given her calpol, but she wants to go to school today and is happy to go, so I'm sending her. Plus it's movie night tonight, and we have a rule that if you aren't well enough to go to school, then you aren't well enough to go to school functions etc

I can't say that the experience in A&E was altogether pleasant. Obviously, my children are on the CPR due to the risk that STBXH poses, and as the Dr treating her was finishing up she asked why I hadn't told them that she was on the CPR. I said I wasn't sure how it was relevant given that it was a facial injury that happened whilst she was in school. Apparently it was. She asked why she was on the CPR and I told her of STBXH conviction etc, and then she wanted to know was he still living at home etc. I wouldn't normally mind, but she was quite brusque and judgemental. Also everything would already be in her notes seeing that she was seriously ill in HDU last Christmas so everything would already be noted then. I guess I can expect a follow up from my SW now.

I'm taking DS to see his therapist this morning. He got quite angry when I told him he was going, saying that he was fine and there was nothing wrong with him. If only that were true. After that I've got an appointment with the solicitor about a non-molestation order. I asked my SW about stepsons address and was told that she would have to ask the legal team if she was allowed to give it to me.

I hope DD's chin heals ok x. Poor wee mite. At least it's on the underside I guess < sigh >

Bloody jobs worth at the hospital. Far too easy to use a bit of common sense and decency. Twat. Try not to dwell on it x

I hope DS gets on ok with the therapist and can allow her to help. It might take a while, but I'm hopeful she can make it worth it.

Good luck at the solicitors, I hope that's all positive!!

It's the weekend
Xx

Oh dear Opies - DS1 took a lump out of his chin when he was 4 and we'd just got a trampoline - DH "forgot" to close the zip while they were both on it and he sailed out of the gap onto the concrete. Lucky it was just his chin that got damaged! Anyway, I couldn't really clean it well because he was wailing and shivering and crying "help me" all the time, but I cleaned it as best I could and attempted fake steristrips with Micropore - it got infected, of course, so by the time we saw the doc 2 days later (it was NY) it was a bit oozy. Got some Fucidin ointment which fixed it up fine, and he's now nearly 7 and you can't see it unless you go looking for it. It was a bit lumpy for a while though (due to the loss of tissue, I imagine, we're not keloid scarrers) but even that seems to have eased over the years.

Hope DS1 opens up to his therapist when he gets there - he's probably trying to tough it out at the moment, hence the violence and resistance. Has anyone at his school been saying anything to him, do you know?

My DB has 3 scars on his chin, all acquired between ages 2-5 years - he was a bit of a hard-to-control climber . 2 were sutured and one was left to heal by itself because he lost too much skin skidding along the pavement (ouch!). The scars are all but invisible now and only discernible if he lifts his head and shows off his chin.
I hope it will all heal up well for your DD too and that it's not too sore today.

I had been thinking of your DS this morning - I hope the session at the therapist went ok and he finds it helpful, whether or not he is currently able to speak about the actual events. He may be protecting himself by NOT wanting to talk about it at present.

Friday afternoon - the weekend has officially started here

I hope your DS got on Ok at therapy today. I have therapy on Friday's and I must say I thought of your DS before my own session today and sent good vibes... is that weird?
I can imagine he may be a bit up and down this afternoon.

Your poor DD.. and poor you too. Just another added stress and worry that you don't need. I am sorry you were treated badly there, it must seem like a personal attack.

Lots of us out here thinking of you and your family.

Thank you chipping and shabs.. shabs I didn't mean to make you cry! And you are right, it won't be perfect, but OK is wonderful. Happiness and freedom can be found after abuse.

Happiness and freedom can be found after abuse.

I nominate this phrase as Thread Motto.

hartic, you are a strong, lovely person to share your experience after abuse here

I've got a scar under my chin from stitches aged 7 (I went down a very steep hill on a bicycles with no breaks, whist wearing flip flops. It didn't end well.....). It doesn't show :)

Hope the therapy for ds went well today and that dd is scabbing up nicely :)

Thank you.. I don't want to derail the thread though.. I hope no one thinks that. I just wanted to provide a light at the end of the tunnel I suppose, show that it can and will get better, no matter how horrible it is now.

Things change, when you feel so bad and think it just won't get better, you just have to hold on for a little bit longer, because those feelings and those things will change. Nothing stays the same forever.

Take one moment at a time.

Have you tried www.mosac.org.uk. ? They are there to support parents of abused children. I am sorry if it has already been mentioned.

I'm so sorry for what you and your children have been through I think you are doing a brilliant job in a horrific situation. There aren't any words that don't sound trite, so I shall just send you my very best wishes as you all try and heal from this