This is a VERY sensitive subject, I know, but I am curious to know just how big a problem this is

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

How many people on here have been assaulted/raped and have either reported or not reported it?

I found out that the conviction rate rapes was just 6% . 6% of reported rapes. There are many many many more that go unreported. I want to know roughly what kind of figure we are looking at. Please change your name if need be, but do post.....

I'll start..

Me - unreported.

To all you very brave ladies who have contributed to this thread, I just wanted to say that you have my utmost respect and admiration. I hope you all find peace within yourselves. xxx

NannyK - I see so much of my own story in your posts. I too was abused over a numbr of years - full details were posted previously. The thing that really hits home for me is that we both denied the allegations even though we were the victims & both out of choice. I too deeply regretted my choice, but thought I was doing my best to protect my family.

My father was expected to die a long slow death & I truely dreaded being summonsed to his deathbed. Fortunately (for me) he died suddenly, so there was no 'deathbed' IYSWIM. I did, like you expect to be able to acheive 'closure' on his death, but I have to say nothing has really changed. I feel relieved that I don't have DDs to visit him, but that is about it. It has only been a few months so whether I will feel better as time goes on, I don't know. I am now having to deal with my mother wanting to know more about what happened since his death.

If you feel you want to talk more, let me know. I don't want to publish my current E-mail address as it is a bit personalised, but will get a hotmail account if you would find it useful to talk some more.

JustaName, thanks for posting again. I know exactly what you mean about the denying anything hadhappened despite being a victim. I am so ashamed to say that when my sister did tell our parents about the abuse (done by our grandfather) I was actually FURIOUS at her for rocking the boat and causing this huge commotion in our family. But I didn't see how the abuse could/would end so I continued to deny it, and was abused for another 2 years as our parents stopped my sister seeing him but no conviction was made for whatever reason so it was deemed "safe" for me to still see him, along with our much younger brother. This all ended about 15 years ago, when after my parents divorce, mum moved us kids all 300 miles away from our grandparents. I can still feel his hands running up my legs, and I often jolt awake for "no" reason. I am so aware of a childs right to protection and respect that I think that plays through in my job as my charges get older. When my charges reach age 3 or 4 I start teaching them that their bodies are special and whatever is covered by a swimsuit is not to be touched by anyone. I encourage self care in the bath, and I tell parents that I am teaching their child about the good touch/bad touch. Parents are often shocked that I would teach this to such youngsters but after my personal experience I wish I had been taught it! I just thought, like you, that it was "normal" despite the fact it hurt and it seemed wrong. I don't tell peple I was abused (this is the first time I have really fully admitted it, the anonymity helps hugely although I know at least one mnetter knows me personally) and to be honest I don't see what could be achieved by coming out now and telling people. The bstrd who did all those horrific things to my sister and I is now dying slowly and painfully. He can no longer talk so I doubt there'll be a deathbed confession. I believe what goes around comes around so this is just a taste of the punishment he is due. I agree with you about the closure issue, I can't imagine his death really will close the book, but I am (perhaps wrongly) enjoying his suffering, it is scarily parallel to my own all those years ago: lying inbed, partial paralysis, unable to talk/scream as pain consumes me. He's suffering greatly and you know what? Good. He doesn't deserve a quick death.

Sorry about the novel, it's such a release actually to talk about this happening to me instead of all the denial and watching my sister get all the help. I would like to talk more, if that's ok? Thanks for your help so far.

So many of us it is shocking.

I have posted before about my step-father. He raped and abused me over many years when I was a child.

My sister recently said to her second daughter that SHE had a really crap and bad childhood due to my step-father (her father) and my mother seperating when she was around 12.

I always knew she was a self absorbed, selfish bitch but that really took the biscuit for me )-:

nannyk it is never too late to go and talk to someone about it to try and get help for yourself.

My step-father died of cancer wasting away.

The day he died was like a weight had been lifted it is so hard to described how amazing it felt.

It's hard to say that I am glad anyone could die in agony like that (especially as DPs mum also died of cancer) but I am so glad that he was suffering at the end.

Often wondered if that makes me a bad person in some way.

Kathlean I know, I keep having all these bouts of guilt especially each time I hear of how he keeps getting iller. I wonder if I will be punished for all those evil thoughts I am having. But part of me thinks that this is his punishment for what he did. I am sorry for my grandma and my dad and my uncles, all of whom denied/ignored/ostracised my sister when she told about the abuse, but essentially they are good people who were faced with a horrible decision and took the path easiest for them to reconcile. They didn't abuse me so I am ok with them. My sister still feels they (Dad and grandma) should/could have protected her (and me) more.

I should add my sister never really knew/witnessed my abuse as we were always in seperate rooms. I knew it happened to her though as she used to cry and I could hear everything. He always "warmed up" with her and then came to me. I tried telling her recently and she just looked at me blankly and said "It couldn't have, you would have said something because you were older than me." I think that is a conversation I will save for another day.

It really is shocking how many people have been abused by family, and how little seems to be done about it. I regret not speaking up when I had the chance. I feel so sad for everyone who this has happened to nearly everyone has had something happen to them, it's just awful. You're all so, so brave.

Does child abuse count?
If it does - me too, unreorted.

Oh and just to add insult to injury - my very hungover mother is trying to text me as I type.
If she wasnt so fucking drunk all the time when I was a little girl then maybe she would have noticed it was going on.
Even now she says she still drinks because it is too painful for her to realise what has happened to her dd.
After all these years I even dreamt about him last night. he appears as various "monsters" in my dreams. Last night he was camoflaged(sp - sorry) into this huge sofa, was upside down, naked and had black skin. He had a hugely grotesque penis and was staring at my pregnant belly like he was starving.
I cant type anymore. I fucking hate him.

Haven't had a chance to read all of these posts. Have experienced 2 flashers, a masturbator, and been trapped in some akward situations which I've felt bad about afterwards (not assault or rape).

The most obvious (unreported) experience I have is being 'felt up' (i.e. hand up the jumper and feeling for breasts regularly) by a friend's father (at age 11-13). It was done in a 'jokey' way, his wife was aware, and so was my mum who regarded it as a just a 'joke'.

I didn't like it, but thought I must be over-sensitive to feel that way - after all it was done in a public space. Only when I met my dh did I realise that it wasn't 'normal', and that my feelings were right. He would gladly strangle this person. My mum no longer lives in the same area, but if she ever mentions his name my dh has to try very hard not to have a go at her!

What I wanted to say was that I did report one of the flashers and that the best thing the police said to help me through it, and see why it was important, is that this person could do something more serious to someone else. I thought that it didn't matter because it hadn't done me any 'damage', I hadn't thought about what might happen to someone in a more vulnerable position, or at another time if people don't report what happened.

With my own dd (4) I think I will try and tell her to trust her instincts, that if she feels uncomfortable about any kind of behaviour (sexual or otherwise) she can say 'no', and that telling is not getting someone else into trouble but could help someone who is not as strong as her.

(((((Hugs)))))) MoreSpamthanGlam, How horrible for you

My mum drank a lot too, but her way of "coping" with what happened to my sister (she doesn't appear to know about me) was to move far away from all of us. Drinking was my escape at university, when all these guys wanted something I was too scared to give, so Vodka became my best friend. I feel awful for you, to have to deal with not only the abuse and the after effects (that I totally understand, and experience alot too) but also your mum drinking. I fought really hard to beat the drink, and I did. I hope your mum will get some help, it sounds like she really knows she has a problem and all the guilt she must feel too. I don't want to sound like i am supporting your mums behaviour in any way, but I can empathise a little in that i denied my own abuse, and felt like i had failed my little sister by not protecting her from her abuse, all that guilt had to go somewhere and I used/abused drink for a while to anaesthetise (sp) myself. I really hope that you can find peace somehow, its so hard to keep sane some days, but i have found I need to be kept busy doing something I enjoy and then my past doesn't feel quite so immediate and raw. I hate my grandfather, yes. But I don't let him consume me any more as it would destroy me. He is dying and i am glad. I won't ever, ever forgive or forget, but my focus is not on what happened, it's on what i am doing today and tomorrow. I don't know if that helps you at all, I am sorry about talking about me, me, me. I just feel so much empathy for those who have gone through such horrible, tragic abuse and it makes me cry just looking at photos of myself at 5 years old knowing what was going on, yet I look so normal and happy. It is a f*cked up world when a grown man can look at that same 5 year old and think/do such horrid, disgusting things.

I just wanted to send you hugs anyway, to let you know you are not alone. it seems like there are hundreds of us even on this site alone that have experienced this. The tip of the iceberg. very, very scary.

Been reading this for a few days, has took me ages as keep needing to stop. Can't comment on everyone who has posted but wanted to say a collective 'go girl' type of thing (or 'go male' but don't think there has been any).
VVQV I would like to thank you for starting this thread. On Friday night I tlaked with DH and this has relly helped me - thank you and thank you for every person who has posted on here.
I have reported nothing that has happened here.
The first incident I can remember was when I was about eight, I was playing in the street where I lived, it was getting late and my friend was called to go to bed. There was just me and an older boy (think he was about 10). He sat on top of me, facing away and touched me, I don't know if he used his fingers or otherwise I seemed to have blocked that out. I get very confused about this as he was just a boy himself but he never spoke a word while doing this so he probably did know this was wrong.
I think in some way this has affected me and I ended up in a relationship at 15 with someone who used to spike me for entertainment, start touching me up and more when I was asleep and having sex with me when I was obviously crying. I then felt similar to some of you posters here and was a little promiscous (sp?) I had no regard for my own body at that point. And I feel used as a result of something I did.
I've been flashed at when I was about 14 but regarded that as pathetic, reported this to the school as the boy was in our year.
DH is my saviour but after I opened up to him he told me he had suffered abuse at the hands of his brother and his brothers friends for years. He is angry at me for putting up with sh!te from men as I was an adult most of the time and could say no type of thing. As a result of the above I still sometimes get depressed but am slowing getting better, I am ashamed to admit though that I still sometimes self harm. I am angry now that I have let this affect me or happen to me in the first place. I am angry it affects normal relationships, that with my DH and when it comes to my DDs who they stay with (DHs brother still lives with DDs grandparents).
Anyway this thread has helped somewhat so thank you all.

Thank you nannyk.

It was pure coincidence that i saw this thread today and had the dream last night and that my "I promise to be supportive this time" Mum could barely talk through her hangover.

I know it must be hard for a parent or sibling to cope with the guilt, but sometimes I just wish it wasnt all me me me. I dont have a drink problem do i? So i just see it as yet another excuse. There were plenty of reasons my step dad gave me that were my fault (of course they were not).Most days I just get on with it.

But I am sure all the women on here will agree that some days are worse than others and something can just trigger off a bad day or an overreaction.

The same thing happened to close friend of mine. She reported it years later and went to court. He was convicted, but appealed and got away with it. That was 4 years ago - his friends and her mother still hurl abuse at her in the street. So would I report it? Whats the point?

VVVQC I dont know whether to thank you for raising awareness or scream at you for reminding me that its still not over.

I think thank you is best for letting me know Im not a freak...am I?

You can scream at me if you wish MSTG

This is not everyone's cup of tea, thats for sure.

NannyK - can you CAT me your E-mail address? I can't send CATs, but I think I can receive them. I don't really fancy putting my E-mail on a public forum.

Cheers

VVVQV
I wont scream. I just think the less I talk about it the more a distant memory it becomes. Then low and behold there it is sneering at you in the face again. Almost vapour like. You can see it but cant punch it in the face and it appears when you least expect it. I hate the powerlessness of the whole thing. Think thats why I am acontrol freak now.

Ha! That would be a good one - of those of you that have suffered some kind of sexual abuse in younger years - who is now a total control freak?

Definately control freak here.

NannyL - my rape was on a train in London, the police were sure he had done it before. I just wonder.... xx

OK JustaName I will do that shortly.

I am a bit of a control freak too. I hate not feeling like I am in control. I also often (ie 99% of the time) will put others' needs and approval ahead of my own in order to keep the peace. Kind of a paradox really.

This is such an important thread. It's heart breaking to read it but raising awareness of awful attacks against women (and men) is a major step.

I don't have any experience of this other than some old twat feeling me up (breasts and fanny) at a night club and a tube driving a lorry and flashing me and my mate. We were in a coach on the motorway at the time. He was overtaking us and playing with himself at the same time. (How many crashes have been caused that way?)

My x attempted it and I never reported it. I didnt think it would hold up in court as we were living together and I was pregnant by him.

Mustadd I havnt read the whole thread yet!

Have CATed you JustaName, hope it works!

NannyK
How strange is that? A total control freak, but always for others benefit. Want everything just right and so for everyone else.
Why are we like that I wonder?
I am exhausted today after this. Not stopped crying and just asked DH to leave work early. And totally despising my Mum who is now trying to be Mum of the century. Wish she would sod off. Reminds me of him.
I am so angry - why dont we do anything?. The arrogance of these abusers, and the egos is beyond belief.