This is a VERY sensitive subject, I know, but I am curious to know just how big a problem this is

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

How many people on here have been assaulted/raped and have either reported or not reported it?

I found out that the conviction rate rapes was just 6% . 6% of reported rapes. There are many many many more that go unreported. I want to know roughly what kind of figure we are looking at. Please change your name if need be, but do post.....

I'll start..

Me - unreported.

Anyway vvvqv...thank you for starting this and for making me feel like what I experienced was valid. I have shed a tear that I have recieved more understandng from you, a stranger, than from a long term close (no longer I must add) friend. It doesn't feel un-important anymore. I just hate to think what my silings may have gone thru...they were all older, but there has never been anything, other than my half brother, to suggest anything else, but I guess I'll never know!

Thank you, this is what MN is all about though, isnt it?

This has made me cry - in the greater scheme of things it wasn't terrible - but still way more than I could deal with at the time. This thread is truely shocking

It is what it's all about. Friends without faces...the 5th emergency service...on call 24/7 365 days a year...all weather...greta, isn't it!

Friends without faces, but with hearts of gold and such empathy that this painful sharing has been carthatic.

Perhaps this can be a starting point for understanding the past from a different perspective, not locked in the time of the incidents (and NONE of them are trivial, they ALL caused us pain and damaged our lives.)

Self-talk, the silent conversations we think to ourselves, maybe because we have been unable to share the knowledge of the abuse with others, doesn't help us 'move on'. This thread, however, has helped me start to look at the past differently and healing to begin.

Bless you VVVQV, and everyone who has contributed here - you really have helped me so much, and I didn't expect that when I first posted. Thank you. x

only why do i feel sooo crap this weekend

been sexually assulted on train.... i know if i hadnt done what i did (stopped the train)the b**ard would have raped me...

anyway the train didnt come into the station til police were there to arrest him....

then they took their statements wrong... although i IDed him there and then all 3 police indepedantly made the same mistake of not saying i IDed him...

i wasnty asked to do an Id parade cause i IDed him at the scene...

when it came to court he "hadnt been IDed" so got off scott free

he has since attacked another innocent girl... at least one

also had main line out of london stationary for over an hour!

NAO perhaps you are in a kind of reflective mourning. When I first started reading this thread my heart started beating, before I had even read some of the responses. i always feel that way when the subject of rape or abuse comes up. Its an irrational fear of being found out on the one hand and on the other it a memory of more terrified than I can put into words. Then I always have a feeling of mourning for the childhood I should have and the all the feeling of anger and hurt come rushing back in those who didnt protect me, those who hurt me. sometimes it colour my thoughts for day sometimes just a few hours. Its like all my senses have been dulled and all my energy has gone. I felt the same when i started reading this thread even after I posted my initial post. As I kept coming back to this thread I started to feel more positive here were strangers who had been through the fear and the anguish and had survived just as I had even though their circumstances were often very different. As a result of my experience I often feel slightly disassociated from people. But for once I didnt feel like that - instead of mourning my innocence long since lost - reading these posts has been a cathartic experience. I know those black thought will probably come back again but somehow at this moment it doesnt matter. Hopefully for you this is merely a transitional mourning process from which you will start to feel more positive.

nannyl

I know I shouldn't have felt responsible for my sisters abuse, but when it was happening all I can remember thinking was how it was better to have it happen to me than her. I didn't value myself at all. I can't explain it really. Now, as an adult, I realise I could have/should have spoken up, but my theory was if the abuse had to continue (and I could not see it ending) then I would rather it happened to me than her. The perpetrator is now dying in hospital of a horrific disease and I feel like celebrating, like there is some kind of karma in the world. But of course I cannot show this as my family have no clue. My sister is openly expressing how she feels about his impending death, and I am so glad she has moved on and has a good life. My mum is out of the country and doesn't talk about any of this. I consider myself lucky though too, as I have a career I love, and my life is pretty happy and fulfilling despite what happened. So maybe it will be best to close the book when the death occurs. As for the other rape, well I don't trust guys at all, and I am too busy (deliberately maybe) to be thinking about it to much. The police officers who helped me called me every month for a year after it happened as they saw the state I was in and they could not believe there was no case to answer thanks to the lack of conclusive DNA. They are such good people who see things like that every day and still keep being strong and supportive for us, I am really very grateful for them. As a whole though it is disgraceful how few convictions are made, and how few people report their rapes. There is something seriously wrong with a system that makes women (and men) feel it is better to keep shtum rather than seek justice. This thread should be sent to Jeremy Vine on radio 2, I am sure he would have a spot on his show to publicise this incredibly common and tragic issue. It's a release to talk about it and I hope it helps others to talk too.

It may be of use to some posters to know of the shift in the power of the voice of children.
In 1984, the number of 'adult contacts' triggered by a child before the assaulter was questioned by police was 10.(ie,adults who knew of the 'allegation') Startling.
By 2000, this figure had dropped to 3.
The adult contacts included parents, adult relations, schools staff, and any other adult.

Have changed my name as too sensitive for me.

Unreported.
Had abortion as a result. 14yrs later completely broke down. Took me ages to get back to normal.
I felt guilty about the unborn, but still go cold if ever I think of the individual. I think the other thing to ask is how many are actually 'stranger' rapes, because I'm thinking a lot more victims actually know the perpetrator.

NannyK I so empathise with you, I know the position you are in WRT your abusers impending death - many of your circumstanes echo what happened to me both historically & recently. I want to say more to you, but can't right now. Please check back on this thread tomorrow evening & I will find the time to post what I want to say tomorrow.

ALAF, i gather there are quite a few statistics around that state that stranger rape is more unusual.

Judging by the posts on here, I would say that most of the posters on here, knew their attacker, or had met them recently/earlier in the evening.

I think I counted less than 10 out of the many many many rapes/sexual assaults, that were committed by complete strangers that "jumped out" at them.

So sad and shocked about these posts.Am lucky to have only have had a (very mild) groping experience.Have read these posts with tears in my eyes.You brave ladies.Makes me wish to never let dd out of my sight.Love and respect to you all.

Why did you ask VVVQV? If thats not a personal question

You mean, my OP?

This thread has been a real eye opener for me.
The numbers are shocking.
Me, taken advantage off when drunk, raped, unreported as many of the details were hazy.
Been in a few situations when I was drunk where I found myself having sex but was too drunk to stop it happening, had I consented in first place, not even sure.
I dont drink these days.
This thread started a topic on an Irish website I am a member off.
Heres the link
www.magicmum.com/phpBB/assaulted-or-raped-reported-or-not-shocking-discussion-vt35610.html

Was just looking at that hidden and just about to post a link....

Im glad its spreading. I dont plan to let this lie.

magicmum.com

Unreported. I was a 16yr old virgin on a nightout in the very small town I lived in. I got very drunk and while in a friends car driving to their house passed out. I awoke briefly to find the car stopped in my friends garden and a male I knew vaguely, having sex with me. I was really confussed about what was happening and passed out again. There were a few other people at the house who knew what was happening and did nothing. I eventually woke up, sobered up enough and walked home. The next day I was disgusted by what happened and probably in shock too but didn't really know what to do. I just stayed quiet, I felt it was probably the best thing to do. One of the people who was there that night then spread the whole story about town and my reputation was in tatters. As a result I lost all of my friends, they were all "good Virgins" unlike me and I became very isolated and just stayed at home all of the time where I didn't have to face anyone.As soon as the oportunity arose I moved away and have never lived in that town again, I'm not even in the same hemisphere!! I can now look back and although I hate what he did to me, I am (almost) greatful that I was drunk and don't remember any details. I am also glad that I ran myself out of town as I have had so many wonderful experiences and oppourtunities which I would not have had if I had stayed. I could have become like one of the small minded so called friends who blanked me, who have never been anywhere or done anything but thrive on small town gossip.
The only real issue I have is that after I told my Mum about it a few years ago, which she was very supportive about. She told me that my sister-in-law had an experience with this same male when she was young. He didn't have the chance to assualt/rape her but he tried to coax her into a situation where he would have been able to. It worries me that he has hurt other girls/women and I could have stopped that. But when you know better you do better.
I am now very happily married to my DP (who I told this story to recently) have a beautiful DD and expecting a LO next year.
Thank you for your time.

For the statistics I haven't been assaulted or raped.

I am truly shocked at these stories and I really don't know what to say.

Since the birth of ds1 I have had this nagging thought at the back of my mind about 'family members'. When we read in the news about children being sexually abused by a family member I always think the mother of that child would not have left him/her with the abuser unless she trusted him (or her ) 100% - I trust dh and my brother and my dad 100% but then so did the people I read about surely... does anyone else think like this???

vvv did you expect this kind of response when you started this thread.....

its shocking the amount of times its bumped up everyday...

Having read all the posts since my own, I'd like to make an observation.
It seems that most of the people who let you all down, family, friends, etc, CHOSE not to believe you, rather than actually not believing you. There's very much a "let's make light of it and it will go away" feeling from the people you should have been able to trust.

Also, this thread has made me realise, even more fully, the worries that my DW has about DD. Some worries that i think are a little over the top, now seem perfectly rational. Thank you again for helping to open my eyes.

sorry i didn'come back last night. finding it difficult staying on MN for too long at mo, its very emotive and 'of screen' i still have to keep going.More than just this thread but this thread was the trigger - not your faultat all

Yes, i meant why the OP VVVQV. I was just curious thats all.

Well, there had been one or two threads lately covering this kind of thing. One a few weeks ago, where people were talking about if they remember who they lost their virginity with etc, and a few things came up there. I ended up speaking to someone about her experience, and became more and more aware that people were burying it. Women (and men) are ashamed of this, and admitting this. Why should this be? Why did I feel this too? There was then a thread the day before I started this one, where someones SIL had "suddenly" mentioned to family members that their father had abused her at a young age, and the immediate reaction from several posters was that it should be "verified" that she was telling the truth. Although I understood that the posters who questioned her "motives" meant no malice, I couldnt help thinking why people had this attitude to rape and abuse. Why is it automatic to question the victims motives - firstly whether she is tellign the truth at all, then why she is reporting - what her motives are, what she did that may have encouraged it, was she drunk. All pretty standard responses IME.

Having been through some experiences myeslf, I have been finding this type of response more and more unacceptable, and quite frankly, very hurtful. I have been wronged, and before people even know the facts, they are thinking the things I listed above. Or, you say the word rape, and people think the classic knife-weilding-bush-jumping-dark-park scenario.

I had also been discussing issues with a friend who works towards rehabilitating sex offenders, which is great - am absolutely all for it. Hoewver, this friend mentioned that normally, by the time they get to see someone that has been convicted for an offence, they have committed many others before then.

So, knowing the conviction rates, I wanted to then know how many rapes/assualts/abuse were happening to get a bearing on just how poor the conviction rate was in comparison to all offenses committed - not just the ones reported - if that makes any sense? I honestly wasnt expecting this....

Although, I am glad for the effect it has had, and I hope it continues. I want to do more with this as well.

I have seen that this thread has been linked to already (see the post lower down by hidden). I hope you all dont mind me linking it to a few other websites so that people can see just how significant this problem is, and the horrors that women put up with everyday, feeling like they are completely alone with it.

Thanks again for ALL the responses here. YOu are all fantastic.