Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Other subjects

This is a VERY sensitive subject, I know, but I am curious to know just how big a problem this is

1014 replies

VeniVidiVickiQV · 13/09/2006 20:40

How many people on here have been assaulted/raped and have either reported or not reported it?

I found out that the conviction rate rapes was just 6% . 6% of reported rapes. There are many many many more that go unreported. I want to know roughly what kind of figure we are looking at. Please change your name if need be, but do post.....

I'll start..

Me - unreported.

OP posts:
myturn · 15/09/2006 16:58

Me. Assaulted when I was 14. Reported. They were convicted. This thread is so horrendously upsetting. Can't put into words how much I feel for all on this thread.

liquidclocks · 15/09/2006 17:11

I started reading this thread at lunchtime and have just now finished (in between occupying DS and the washing up). It reminds me that though I may feel alone sometimes, (sadly) it's not just me, and I'm not a paranoid parent. Thank you all for reminding me why I'm bringing up DS the way I am. I told DH what happened to me, but sometimes I don't think it went in, this thread has reaffirmed how much I want to protect my boys from predators, and how important it is that I parent them so they don't become one either, no matter how much of an unsavoury thought that is.

Nappies - hope we get some advice back, thanks.

Blu · 15/09/2006 17:13

HappyDaddy - I think that was a really fantastic post - the bit about it being one of the most important things you have ever read.
Thank you.

dinosaur · 15/09/2006 17:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

PandaG · 15/09/2006 17:18

I was going to post 'me nothing, thank God', but actually I was groped on a train when I was 18 - on the way to a uni interview. Nothing in comparision to the other experiences on this thread, but pretty unpleasant at the time.

Just want to say my thoughts are with all you brave women who have posted on here.

puddle · 15/09/2006 17:21

I don't know dinosaur.

This thread is horrifying and humbling reading. It has shown me how big the issue is and how strong some people can be, to continue to live their lives well after such experiences.

I'm not sure what my dp would make of it. I'm not sure it would teach him how to keep our dd safe. I think it would make him want to lock her up and protect her forever.

NotAnOtter · 15/09/2006 17:22

camberwell beauuty and justaname

just cant read these without floods of tears...............

Blu · 15/09/2006 17:31

I think that one of the overwhelming effects of this thread is to demonstrate how much women have to live with, and face.
In all our rhetoric about freedom of women in the West, this is bubbling under like a stream of poison. I think it owuld stop most men in thier tracks.

The other thing it makes me think is 'who the hell are all these men?'. If you started a thread of all the male dps and dhs of MN-ers asking how many had raped or assaulted a woman, the answers would presumably be a teeny tiny microscopic minimum. (although I wonder about how many might have been guilty of so-called date rape). So these attackers must all be assaulting far more than one woman each.

I think kowledge of this thread would help men be more alert to challenging attitudes amongst other men.

giraffeski · 15/09/2006 17:34

Message withdrawn

JustaName · 15/09/2006 17:41

I think to a certain extent Blu you are right. Many of those posting on here have told how they know their assaulter has also assaulted others. Indeed, my father could be classed as having assaulted some friends of mine. In that case it was 'merely' showing them pornography which is a whole lot less than he did to me but nevertheless sexual assault in my eyes.

There are probably many that wouldn't own up to assault because they believe it is their 'right' to have sex with a DP/DW. They don't believe they are doing any wrong.

PeachyClairHasBadHair · 15/09/2006 18:16

Ah now if you include porn, my dad regualrly left porn where myself and my sisters (younger than me) could see it, from whhen i was about ten-a lways with money in, so we could go get sweets but we coulodn't say where we had found it or Mum would yell at us

I don't feel like a victim though, and I don't feel like anyone ruined my ife because they didn't and there is so much mroe good than there has been bad. They caused a blips, that's all, and I refuse to let it be more than that. they're not worth the upset.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/09/2006 18:40

Thats exactly it JustaName, I think that there is a thinking in some male groups that:

Being forceful, dominant, ignoring "no" etc is all part and parcel of 'normal' sex and relationships.
The assumption that the woman's 'ultimate' goal is the same as the man's (to have sex) at the end of the night/date etc.
That gentle "persuasion" is needed to change a woman's mind.
That once they get going, the woman will change her mind.
That it is "just sex" whats the harm? And anyway, who doesnt want sex?

OP posts:
ashamedshepherd · 15/09/2006 18:50

As a result of my experience when my first child was born I had issues with changing her nappy. It felt somehow inappropriate cleaning her privates when I had to change her. I had flashbacks of tepfather assaulting me as he bathed me. It took some time before I could do it without thinking twice.

Sophiev73 · 15/09/2006 18:52

This is all so sad. I am so lucky. Can't imagine feeling like I couldn't care for my babes. Makes me so angry for you.

NomDePlume · 15/09/2006 18:54

I know that feeling ashamedshepherd

peanutbutter · 15/09/2006 19:24

This thread has winded me

For me, nothing more than random gropes from age 9 or so, by strangers mostly.

Dh was raped as a boy but never reported it.

nuttymum1 · 15/09/2006 19:43

i have only read some of this thread
me never
my sister was over a period of about 7 years by her step-dad also the father of our 2 youngest siblings
she reported him it went to court first time hung jury (couldnt decide) second time he got NOT GUILTY
the justice system is shit my mum had a breakdown started drinking and doing drugs ect so put the kids in care vouluntry and has now fighting to get them back and coz my mum has done some silly things since it all happened the kids could go to HIM and that scares me
i went to the court hearing and there are some things kids pick up about sex ect but there was things she said (i wont go into detail) that no way could have been made up
wel done to all of you on here if you reported it or not i can only imagion what you went through (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) to you all xxxx

drosophila · 15/09/2006 19:51

Don't feel like reading other threads after this. I am so saddened by it.

I have had the odd what you might call assault (groping of genital area) by strangers when I was younger. I have also had a man masturbating under a newspaper sitting beside me on a train when I was about 18. I cannot imagine what some of you have gone through.

The thing I keep wondering is WHY the Men/Boys do this. I wonder how many men have forced themselves on someone or assaulted a woman. It seems so common that we all must know men who have done it.

My Aunt was raped or assaulted and my Dad met the man later in a pub and in talking it came out what he had done but do you think my Dad did anything -No.

My thoughts are with you all!!!

HelloMama · 15/09/2006 20:00

There were occasions when I was a teenager when things happened, which had I been sober, would definitely not have happened. I look back now and i think, what were those men thinking, taking home a young girl too pissed to do anything, let alone be a great lay? What is it about drunk, incapable women that these men find attractive? But then again, I think that a lot of peoples comments on this thread demonstrate it isn't about sex at all, it must be about power, because that isn't good sex, if you can't even tell the bloke that you're having a good time, and that you're enjoying it as much as he is, etc. In fact, you can't even tell him your name, how old you are, etc. And this is the problem I think our society needs to address. Why does this happen, why does it seem acceptable for men to be so predatory on a saturday night, picking up incapable women? I just don't understand it.

At one of the places I used to work (family planning clinic), we would routinely ask women if they have ever been (or currently are) a victim of domestic violence or sexual assualt / abuse. The amount of women who would say yes was shocking (much like this thread really). And those were just the women who could tell me about it.

NomdePlume: Obviously I don't know anything about your experience with the Locum GP, but I would say that from what you have said, that does sound like a routine pelvic exam which is ruling out PID. I'm not excusing the way he went about it, or the fact that you weren't offered a chaperone, etc, but from what you described, that is how it is usually performed. I often tell women they can remove their tampon in the room (although i give them a choice and certainly dont watch them doing it). I'm sorry it made you feel so awful, and I'm definitely not defending this GP's manner, etc, but I just wanted to say that I wouldn't have considered his reasoning, and the examination he did as inappropriate (but perhaps the way he went about it etc was not correct) IYSWIM?

Bucketsofdinosaurs · 15/09/2006 20:05

I was going to suggest that this survey be extended to our menfolk but see some have already been mentioned. Yes a lot of the things mentioned can be put down to misogyny but most assaults are about power and victim gender can be merely incidental.
I have to say I'm gobsmacked by the leaving porn around with money in it thing Peachyclair. That's a really twisted mind to get a kick out of that.
I really want my DH to read this because I feel it's going to shape the way I bring up our kids and want him to understand but I think he's too chicken. I'm really grateful to you all for opening my eyes.

Bucketsofdinosaurs · 15/09/2006 20:08

Anyone else have an urge to go out this Saturday night with lots of cash and steer pissed up girls into taxis?

ashamedshepherd · 15/09/2006 20:09

ndp i m glad but saddened that i am not the only one who felt like that about nappy changing.

here, as a survivor of abuse, are a few more things that go through my head.

  • is my dh a potential abuser, i find my self looking for signs in my children - what signs I dont really know.
  • will my son (3) be a rapist - he is obsessed with his willy. he is curious about dds minis'. -every person male or female could they be an abuser.
  • Anyone who consistently compliments my children - they have fab hair- is under suspicion.

These thoughts are always there, some more obvious than others. as I try to appear normal. I have just bought the 'right touch' a book which was recommended on mn. not content with one book - have purchased 3 others. I am obsessed with the 1 in 7 statistic and find myself looking around the playground at school thinking how many of these children will have to endure as children or adults the pain and shame that I had to endure.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/09/2006 20:10

Yes buckets......

OP posts:
JustaName · 15/09/2006 20:14

In my case it was not about leaving porn 'lying around'. It was being actively shown to me. Mags & Vids. I can't see the point of this in the context of the other acts I was part of...

NotAnOtter · 15/09/2006 20:14

ashamed shepherd i empathise with alot of what you say

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.