This is a VERY sensitive subject, I know, but I am curious to know just how big a problem this is

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

How many people on here have been assaulted/raped and have either reported or not reported it?

I found out that the conviction rate rapes was just 6% . 6% of reported rapes. There are many many many more that go unreported. I want to know roughly what kind of figure we are looking at. Please change your name if need be, but do post.....

I'll start..

Me - unreported.

Twice - assaulted once when I was 16 at a football match. I was standing in a really packed crowd with my dad and uncle when the man in front started touching me up. No idea why I didn't say anything, I think I was worried about what my dad and uncle would do.
Then at 19, at university, I got very drunk one night and decided that I didn't want to be a virgin any longer (yes, very stupid, I know). Went up to a bloke's room and got into bed with him but changed my mind. He carried on
Have never told anyone about the first incident and only dh about the second. As the mother of girls I am scared, angry and upset to see how common this sort of thing is. God forbid mine should ever go through something like this.

Have to add as well as abuse from my father and unreportd rape, I was groped and flashed at by my bil from age 14, this came out only 2 months ago and I now have no relationship with my sister as she is in denial and refuses to believe it.

Soapbox, I can see why you say thigns have got worse but I don't agree. I think this type of thing has always been around. Remember if I say i was assaulted aged 12 we're talking 15-20 years ago, my friend and partner were both assaulted and raped by family friends when they were children - and thats going back 20-30 years.

Assault, rape, abuse and incestual/power play abuse have been around for ever. Yes alert your children to the dangers but don't fall into the trap of assuming that its got worse, I actually think its got better. We have pepper sprays, womens refuges, internet support boards etc, and a more aware polic force.

Despite my early experience I also think there is a two way responsibility. You have a responsibility to know your limits with drink and to say no clearly. NO-ONE has any excuse for forcing themselves onto an unwilling partner however if both parties have been drinking and engaged in heavy duty foreplay it can be a bit difficult for one party to know where the boundary is if the other person DOESN'T say something

(These are my general thoughts - not aimed at anyone on the thread so please don't get het up.)

JustAName - that is a good point boys and men as well are sexually assaulted/raped.

With men who are raped/sexually assaulted they are even more unlikely to report it. Same if they are victims of domestic violence. We don't really have any idea how many of them have suffered from this

me (unreported) about 12 years ago.and a close friend of mine (also unreported ; about 14 years ago)

I would agree w/you there, riab, in light of what happened to me.

I allowed myself to go WAY over the score w/drink and alter my judgement to the point where I was pretty incoherent as far as rational thought went.

NEVER a good place to be in.

I agree Riab, my experiences were 20 years ago. Like Expat, I do blame myself for the second assault/rape, as I was very drunk. It doesn't excuse what happened, but it was definitely the reason why I didn't report it. There was nothing to prove what had happened - everyone saw me willingly go up to his room, he used a condom, I was left with no marks.

It can be not as black and white as it seems. One incident happened when I was off my face on alcohol and drugs. The man involved was also off his face on alcohol and drugs.

In that state, I may have consented, I've no idea. I don't expect he knew either. I think I probably would have had to be beating him with a stick for it to be clear that I wasn't interested. We were both barely conscious. I don't know if he remembered any more about it than I did.

I remember another incident, when I was a teenager, in which I was the perpetrator. This is awful. I basically took a chap to bed and looking back, he didn't want to be involved at all. But he didn't say anything and didn't fight me off. So I proceeded. Looking back, if our sexes had been reversed, I could have been one of those men wondering whether what I had done was wrong. I should have stopped. Years later I apologised to him and he made a joke about it - but I know that he was upset. I did a very wrong thing which I deeply regret. Sexual assault is a very confusing area, because human relationships are a very confusing area.

Im sorry, I dont want to get into an argument about it, but, I just wont accept that a "victim" being drunk gives away any culpability from the perpetrator.

I also believe that a perpetrator will use drink to aid his efforts, and as such, its too much of a grey area to talk about on this thread iykwim?

Both me and the man involved were extremely drunk.

Thats kinda my point.

Its like the whole drink driving thing though....

Do you see what i'm getting at?

Assaulted by Uncle - unreported!

God, i've just remembered an encounter with a man in my first year at college. I had been told by 'everyone' that he liked me, and even had been told off by a friend of his that I was still going out with my boyfriend. Anyway. he came to my room for coffee, I made a move on him, not much response but I thought things would warm up, took his hand and led him to the bed, started to kiss him, got him to lie down - and suddenly realised he was shivering and crying. I had forced him into a very physical situation he was extremely unhappy with, for whatever reason - several spring to mind immediately now, but this was 18 years ago and I understood very little.

I don't know where this fits but have only just remembered it. I wonder what he thinks about it?

I think that is a good point Acnebride, that these things are not always very clear, and the man=evil perpetrator why-didn't-you-report-it? analysis is overly simple. I think it makes us uncomfortable to admit it. Assaults can happen as part of complicated relationships and there is a spectrum of behaviour we are dealing with. The question 'What is consent?' and 'What is an assault?' does not have a simple answer, because there is a lot that depends on the perception of the people involved.

me - unreported

Me - sexually assulted several times by an elderly neighbour - not reported. I knew I wouldn't be believed and I had already learnt from my past (aged 9) that it was only what I deserved. He preyed on me because I was vulnerable and lonely and he knew that no one would protect me.

Eventhough I have had various encounters with counselling there is still something in my core that feels it was my fault.

At times when I feel that I'm not as good as the next mum etc I just wish there was a window into my past so that people wouldn't judge my failings.

I was assaulted at 27 by a stranger who climbed in through the window while I was asleep next to my boyfriend. I didn't actually realise what was happening and thought it was my boyfriend kissing me and feeling me up for the first 10 seconds - till my boyfriend woke up, the stranger gave him a smacking black eye and leapt out again through the window.

We did report it, and I have to say the police were very good (even ignored a huge lump of hash lying in the middle of the room!) but it got nowhere because there was no way of identifying it. It was a hot summer and there were two men - one blacm, one white - doing this climb through the window act in Brixton that year.

Oddly enough it was much easier to get over than other sorts of assault would have been; it was so very bizarre. But I felt very guilty for 'encouraging' him.

Posted last night but couldn't read other peoples posts. Have just read some now and will enlarge on my experience as so many others have been brave enough to do so. When I was 15 I was gang raped. Me and 2 other girl friends used to hang out with about 5 boys from the age of 10. All from the same vicinity, mostly from the road I lived on. One night the boys thought it would be funny to pin me down and rape me. My friends ran off because they didn;'t want it to happen to them. The culprits thought it was funny and before long the whole school knew and thought I was a tart, not one person asked if I was ok. 6 years later I met DH. Turns out one of them was his brother. Last year I got an email from one of my friends from that time inviting me to a reunion. I went, they were all there and never mentioned it, probably they had forgotton all about it and it made me so angry - it took a lot for me to go.I waited for everyone have a good drink, then told them all what I thought of them. It felt good. It had led to Pelivic Inflmmatory Disease and miscarriage. My tubes were that blocked and twisted i needed an operation on them before dh and i could concieve. I have never enjoyed sex, it is a chore but i carry on as it isn;t dh's fault. Not long after i started drinking a fair bit and went out with a friend. I came home, got in bed with dh asleep and woke in the morning to find myself naked and an empty condom packet by the bed. I had no recollection of having sex with dh. All he said was - you must have had a fair few last night, you were dead to the world. Maybe he is more like his brother than I thought.

Sorry, this is long. Regret posting already but here goes.

This thread is horrible just to think what some people do to others.

I think myself lucky it has never happened to me, nearly a couple of times but i have managed to get away.

MP. The 'definition' of 'consent' is much clearer after the 2003 Act (see post of mine below).
It is not a question of 'did you say 'no'? The burden has shifted to "did you say yes?" If a woman doesn't say "yes", verbally, or in writing (not just a wink, or 'come up and see me'), then the accused is on a very sticky wicket.